What could Pamela Anderson’s vagina possibly have said to disgust her so? “I’ve seen a lot a d*ckheads in my day, but did you really have to marry this latest one?” The possibilities here are endless.

• Samuel L. Jackson’s follow-up movie to Snakes on a Plane is called Black Snake Moan. Jackson plays a musician who cures a young nymphomaniac, played by Christina Ricci, of her addiction. While producers of BSM won’t admit to using the publicity from Jackon’s other snake movie to boost ticket sales, it’s kind of odd that the movie’s tagline is “Get my motherf***in’ snake out your motherf***in’ brain, bitch!”
• The New York Times gives a lesson in Celebrity Gay Denial 101: 1. Say you’re not. 2. Laugh it off. 3. Come out on the cover of People.
• Is Pamela Anderson already pregnant? You know her breasts are gonna be soooo jealous when the new globe growing out of her body starts getting all the attention.
• Speaking of which, is Britney Spears pregnant with a baby girl? And, if so, do they make thong underwear for fetuses?
• Patrick Swayze, clearly outraged by the sentiments of Rob Schneider, stands by his old buddy Mel Gibson and says he’s a good man. We see this for what it really is: A clever ruse to get Gibson to co-star in Road House 2.
• Mary-Kate Olsen is smiling! Looks like somebody drank the blood of orphans this weekend!

After making a name for herself as a rite of sexual passage for every hair metal has-been with a hit song between 1983 and 1989, Carmen Electra is using her pseudo-celebrity sex appeal for a much greater purpose: selling “the world’s first weight loss beauty pill”. So if any of you ladies have low self-esteem, feel fat and ugly, and are willing to do whatever is necessary to conform to the unrealistic expections society has placed on your appearance, there are now drugs you can buy that will magically transform you into a sultry sex object for eyeliner-wearing unemployed rockstars, just like Carmen Electra! This miracle drug is available for $49.99 a bottle, and can be found right next to Anna Nicole’s TrimSpa at any store selling useless products that don’t work. Side effects may include nausea, night terrors, mental retardation, manic depression, anorexia, bulimia, nymphomania, syphillis, herpes, loss of dignity and respect, low self-esteem, sex tape appearances, constant burning sensations, and ending up in a ridiculous marriage to some guy with lots of tattoos whose entire vocabulary consists of the words “dude”, “party” and “rock”. But you could also enjoy the same successul results of the product’s very first customer - Pamela Anderson Lee Rock!

Website Gayz of Our Lives (no relation to websites “All My Gay Children” or “Gayneral Gayspital”) has received exclusive pictures from Pam Anderson and Kid Rock’s nuptuals in St. Tropez. Unsurprisingly, Pam makes the ideal blushing bride, and Kid Rock absolutely reeks of… charm. Yeah, that’s it. Charm. We think the pictures tell a beautiful story, and have put them together to form a beautiful narration of the wedding events. Peruse the photos for yourself, sip some Hypnotiq out of a empty breast implant, and take a free trip to Romance Island, courtesy of Best Week Ever.

Read the rest of this entry »

• After he conquers the music industry, K-Fed wants to break into the movie business. Either as a ticket taker or a projectionist, depending on who’s hiring.
• Pamela Anderson is launching a line of ethical hair products for people and their pets. Though it’s unclear which category Kid Rock falls under.
• Marie Osmand was hospitalized after having a bad reaction to medication– not because of a failed suicide attempt. So basically it’s a little bit country, not so much rock and roll.
• Star Jones is not getting divorced. Sorry guys.
• Bruce Willis has signed on to make a 4th Die Hard movie. Tentative title: Die Hard w/ A Senior’s Discount.

• Mel Gibson Week continues with the release of the actor’s mugshot from the night of his arrest. Not quite a Vanity Fair cover, but the jail’s stylist should be given proppers for that swell 50’s-greaser-curl thing he’s got going.
• Paris Hilton, apparently concerned about all the negative media attention Mel Gibson has been stealing from her, issued a press release proclaiming that she’s back together with shipping heir ex-boyfriend Starving Nachos. If the Mel Madness keeps up like this, we can probably expect Paris to light herself on fire live on Access Hollywood by week’s end.
• Corey Feldman celebrated his 35th birthday the only way Corey Feldman knows how: playing a 2 hour concert with his band at House of Blues, featuring bikini-clad strippers, one of the Nelson brothers, drunken Ron Jeremy, a conga player, silly string and a brand new song he wrote that’s “against the war”. Then my alarm clock went off and it was time to get up for work.
• Kid Rock and Pamela Anderson’s first installment in their series of classy wedding ceremonies took place on board a yacht, which is where Rock first met Pammy while masturbating to her Tommy Lee sex tape back when he lived in his parents’ basement.

• CONSPIRACY THEORY: Ashlee Simpson was replaced with a better looking model. You know, kinda like they did with Becky on Roseanne. (Collegehumor)
• BIZARRE COVER: Sounds like U2 is covering a track by Albert Hammond Jr. from The Strokes. Shouldn’t it be the other way around? (The Modern Age)
• BIGGEST LITTLE BASEBALL CONTROVERSY: If you tell your fans you have the last living Munchkin from The Wizard Of Oz, you better damn well have the last living Munchkin from The Wizard of Oz. (Deadspin)
• DON’T QUIT YOUR DAY JOB: Kevin Federline- Male Model. Don’t worry, it’s only a part-time gig. (J2)
• 4th TIME’S A CHARM: Pamela Anderson & Kid Rock will have four separate weddings. Kid hopes to remember at least 1 of them. (D-Listed)

Britney and Kevin are renewing their vows. Paris Hilton swore off sex for a year. Lindsay Lohan has already hooked up with everybody in Hollywood so nothing surprises us anymore. And Nick & Jessica’s post-marital affairs would be a lot more exciting if they didn’t involve That Girl From TRL and That Comedian Everybody Liked Until They Saw Tourgasm. Things are looking bleak for our A-team… which is why the B-team is stepping up.

Yesterday Pamela Anderson stepped up and announced that she was marrying Kid Rock, presumably because Tommy Lee was busy with Supernova and said “pass.” At the same time, somewhere else on this world wide web, Fred Durst– remember him?– announced he was getting married too. Yeah. Sorry ladies. Now, to top that, the news got out today that Eddie Murphy is all set to marry “Scary” Spice Girl Mel B. They say it’s what they want, what they really, really want.

We should enjoy the time we have with these replacement players because you never know what’s going to happen. Paris and Nick could start dating tomorrow and cause a huge media frenzy, leaving Pam, Fred, Eddie and Scary in the dust. So let’s let the B-team relish their time in the sun. They kind of deserve it. Kind of.

And now it is time for a very important BWE After School message, in which we warn our younger readers about the various dangers they might soon be facing. This week, we’re taking a look at an epidemic that’s currently sweeping our nation from Hollywood to Manhattan - the party girl.

Phase One: Initial Seduction

Young, fresh-faced, newly-famous and still innocently untainted, you are easily seduced by a glamorous life of excess and luxury, never knowing the debasement and despair that awaits you once your good looks are finally gone.

Read the rest of this entry »

• GOD: Samuel L. Jackson, muthaf**kers. At least he will be in the new Audio version of The Bible (Contact Music)
• SIGN THERE IS A GOD: Somebody is going to win a date with Jessica Biel. Time to start praying again. (Hollywood Tuna)
• NEXT UP, THE CHICKEN: More than 35 million eggs will be used as billboards for CBS. Little, tasty billboards. (Defamer)
• AT LEAST SHE FLOATS: Pamela Anderson fell out of a boat. That of course begs the question; when a Baywatch lifeguard drowns, who runs in slow motion to save them? (The Bastardly)
• TIME WASTER DESTROYER: Every episode of South Park. Ever. Wow. (All South Park via Gorillamask)

• We’re still trying to get over how cool Tak is. The general consensus: So Cool.
• Also cool: the second wave of Mac ads starring Christian Finnegan and Nick Kroll. Which one are you: a PC or a Mac?
• Lindsay Lohan delivered a couple of grade-A American bombs to the British… but not before doing her best Christina Aguilera impression over here in the states.
• Hennessy & Nike = fun to rap about. Build A Bear stores and Chia Pets = not so much.
• Barbara Walters, Joy Behar and Elizabeth Hasselbeck meet an African American woman for the first time; act accordingly. Poor Brandy.
• And what do Jessica Biel, Kristin Cavalleri, Pamela Anderson and Michelle Rodriguez have in common? They were all photographed at the beach this week, and they’re all on display for you to judge over at our Upgrade/Downgrade: Hot Bikini Beaches.

Make sure you’re tuning into Best Week Ever tonight at 11 and all weekend long to learn about everything else you may have missed this week!

• I THINK IT’S CALLED PUBERTY: A freak accident left this man obsessed with sex. (Daily Mail)
• TAKE TWO: Kid Rock and Pamela Anderson, together again. You can sleep easy. (Cityrag)
• CRAZY QUOTE: “Women should know their place.”- James Brown. I think their place should be ‘far away from James Brown.’ (D-Listed)
• POST TO MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER/WORSE ABOUT YOURSELF: National Enquirer made a list of the best and worst celebrity beach bodies. And they didn’t stop there. (Celebitchy)
• INSIDE JOKE: PapaZao was a joke! K-Fed is a genius! He’s going to blow us all away, you just wait and see! For reals! (Tabloid Whore)

• PROTEST: Pamela Anderson would rather be naked than wear fur. Hey, I’d rather her be naked than wear fur too! (WWTDD)
• GOOD NEWS/ BAD NEWS: Madonna is giving up acting… but she’s taking up directing. So close! (Hollyscoop)
• GOOD NEWS/ GOOD NEWS: Pulp is reissuing three of their classic albums this summer, complete with B-sides, demos & rarities. Yes! (Pitchforkmedia)
• BELIEVE IT OR NOT: It’s actually more entertaining to read about So You Think You Can Dance? than to watch it. (TVGasm)
• OUTFIT: Jodie Marsh sported a belt to the premiere of Just My Luck in England… and that’s about it. Thumbnails are NSFW (A Socialite’s Life)

• THE SO-NOT-ENTERTAINING-IT’S-ENTERTAINING CONCEPT: The Worst of YouTube. (Dinnerpartyhead)
• MISTAKEN IDENTITY: Matt Dillon mistaken for crazy knife-wielding maniac. Though he was just happy to be recognized. (BlogNYC)
• DIE HARD, PUNCH HARDER: A paparazzo claims Bruce Willis attacked him. So… where are the pictures then? (TMZ)
• DISTURBING PARENTING NEWS: Pam Anderson says her kids use the stripper pole in her bedroom more than she does. Don’t even ask about the handcuffs. (WWTDD)
• CANDY: Chocolate Covered Penis… if you’re David Gest, that is. (Tabloid Whore!)