• David Beckham asked buddy Tom Cruise for advice before signing with the L.A. Galaxy. Tom reportedly pushed him to take the money, move to Los Angeles, and stop wearing those bothersome shirts in public all the damn time.
• Newsweek obtained a chapter from O.J. Simpson’s “fictional” book If I Did It that describes how he *might* have killed his ex-wife if he was the murderer. The pages were mailed to them in an anonymous envelope labeled “If I Wanted To Drum Up Publicity For My Book/Confession, Here’s How I’d Leak A Few Pages.”
• Kelly Osbourne says being Ozzy’s daughter ruined her pop career Because her average looks and subpar voice would’ve taken her so much further if her daddy wasn’t a famous musician. Naturally.
• Britney Spears and her new boyfriend reportedly spent the night together in the $40,000/night Hugh Hefner suite at the Palms in Vegas. Coincidentally, K-Fed spent the night passed out with a Playboy magazine open across his face on his friend’s couch in Fresno.
• Jimmy Fallon says he’s done performing good deeds after a recent act of heroism went unappreciated. America now desperately waits for Jimmy to announce he’s done performing, period, after his recent act of awfulness went unappreciated in Taxi.

• AMERICAN IDOL: The 8-year-old boy who caught a glimpse of Jessica Alba in a bikini is having the best life ever. Now if only he understood why. (DoubleViking)
• HUMAN TOILET: Kim Kardashian allegedly engages in water sports on her rumored sex tape. And just like that, Paris Hilton becomes the “classy” friend.(IDLYITW)
• PRIVACY SHMIVACY: I don’t care if John Mayer is a private person– if you’re dating Jessica Simpson, it’s your duty to start bragging. To EVERYBODY. (A Socialite’s Life)
• SURPRISE SURPRISE: O.J. Simpson’s girlfriend allegedly dumped him because he was paranoid and jealous. Let’s jump ahead a bit and report this before anybody else– O.J. Simpson murders another white woman! (Celebitchy)
• F YOU BALTIMORE: The language is NSFW… which is why this is probably the funniest thing I’ve seen all week. Enjoy. (Collegehumor)

• A clip of Britney Spears burping and babbling about her belief in time travel was the #1 celebrity viral video in 2006. It kind of makes you long for the good ol’ days of One Night In Paris, doesn’t it?
• 50 Cent has given up golf because he just isn’t any good at it. Yet for some reason he continues to act.
• Kate Moss has banned Pete Doherty from releasing an album he made with his ex-girlfriend. It wasn’t hard, though, since Pete has absolutely no recollection of making it. Or of his ex.
• Judith Regan, the publisher behind O.J.’s unreleased “If I Did It” book, has been fired. She has already begun working on her own book, “If I Were To Get Fired For Giving A Murderer A Book Deal, Here’s How I’d Do It.”
• The Spice Girls may reunite to perform at the Princess Di memorial concert next year. Come on– haven’t the people of England suffered enough?

• RIP HIM A NEW ONE: Next time you’re in England, ixnay on the ack-The-Ripper-Jay jokes. Oliver Stone will tell you, it’s not a good idea. (Drudgereport)
• REMEMBER ME?: Kato Kaelin thinks O.J. should of left the word “if” off his book “If I Did It.” Thanks Kato… you’re just 11 years too late. (TMZ)
• NO MORE DIXING AROUND: The Dixie Chicks might be breaking up. Score another one for the Bush administration. (A Socialite’s Life)
• ONE UP, ONE DOWN: Amy Poehler is getting her own Nickelodeon cartoon. And, today a topless Amy Poehler picture popped up on the web. What a day. (Egotastic)
• HOLIDAY SALE: Who wouldn’t want a Nick La-Che T-shirt for Christmas? Well, besides Jessica. (BWE.TV Shop)

• FAT LOL: Ruben Studdard has turned vegetarian… and 2,200 turkeys wipe the sweat off their combs in relief. (US Magazine)
• DIVORCE COSTS ARM AND LEG: Heather Mills claims that she would rather lose the rest of her limbs than go through her divorce with Paul McCartney again. We kind of wish she would’ve lost her larynx instead of that leg. (BBC News)
• SECOND SEINFELD TRAGEDY: First Michael Richards, now Jerry Seinfeld’s ex-girlfriend Tawny Kitaen has been arrested for felony drug possession after police found cocaine in her house. We know her other ex-boyfriend O.J. Simpson is connected to this somehow, but we’ll give Seinfeld a small Thanksgiving break. (Yahoo News)
• PURSE-ECUTION: First daughter Barbara Bush had her purse stolen last week while dining out in Argentina. We wouldn’t be surprised if President Bush launched “Daddy’s Payback War” and sent 10,000 troops into Buenos Aires tonight. (CBS News)
• NSFWWWWW!!!!!!!: Someone is brave enough to review the Screech Sex Tape. We nearly didn’t link to this, as it’s a holiday weekend, but maybe you’ll put down that second helping of Grandma’s Fudge Pie after reading it. See, we’re helping you help you! (Have we mentioned it’s Not Safe For Work?) (Fleshbot)
• EYE CLEANSE: We can’t end on that Screech tape, so here’s a little Thanksgiving Brain Cleanse, from us to you! (Thanksgiving Cats and Thanksgiving Dog)

We’ll be enjoying the long weekend, and will return on Monday, November 27. Have a Happy Thanksgiving!

• Tom & Katie spent their final week living in sin before the big wedding; we offered some suggestions for what to get them.
• A newly single K-Fed wrote something that people were actually interested in reading– a f**k you note.
• A big dumb frat guy on MySpace got upset because Borat made him look like a big dumb frat guy in a movie. The nerve!
• Emmitt Smith proved he can not only beat you in football, but also on the dancefloor. Suck on that, Slater.
• Dreamgirls will cost $25 a ticket during the first ten days of its release. Here’s why.
• On The Office, team Karen started beating the s**t out of team Pam. We loved every second.
• O.J. Simpson half-heartedly pretended he didn’t kill somebody… soon in paperback!
• And the internet celebrated its Super Sweet 16.

For that and so much more, make sure you tune into Best Week Ever tonight at 11 (and all weekend long.) In the words of Aerosmith, from that cheesy movie that’s about to become a reality, you don’t want to miss a thing.

Mike Tyson - The one-time rapist agrees to take a job as a male prostitute at Heidi Fleiss’ new brothel for women.

O.J. Simpson - Reminds everybody that he did, in fact, murder his ex-wife ten years ago through a “hypothetical” book titled “If I Did It.”

Emmitt Smith - Wins Dances With The Stars, upsets every Dallas Cowboys fan who owns a Smith jersey because now they’ll be stopped at shopping malls by women who want to know if they voted for him too.

Tough call. Leave your answer in the Comments.

Five years ago the idea of football legend/murderer O.J. Simpson writing a book titled “If I Did It” seemed absolutely proposterous. It seemed as likely as The Juice returning to the NFL or killing another blonde woman (ok, fine… a little less likely than killing another blonde woman.) Well, O.J. was able to find another way to surprise us all (the first way: killing his ex-wife) and “If I Did It” will actually be coming out soon. Who would’ve thunk it?

The people over at Cracked have offered up title suggestions for his next 16 books. Most of them are downright hilarious. Take a look, and if you have any other ideas to help our pal O.J., leave them in the comments. He could use all the help he can get.

According to MSNBC, murdering football legend Orange Juice Simpson has reportedly been paid 3.5 million dollars to a write a book called If I Did It, described as a “hypothetical” confession of the crimes he “hypothetically” could have committed, including disturbingly accurate “hypothetical” descriptions of the non-hypothetical murders of his ex-wife Nicole Brown and her boyfriend Ron Goldman. However, Simpson will not have to worry about a hypothetical scenario in which he would have to share his blood money with the families of the people he hypothetically murdered, as he plans on spending the payment as quickly as possible. We wish The Juice the best as he burns in hell. Hypothetically, of course.