About Me: Tall, thin, mediocre-looking DJ 2 THA STARZ. I go by DJ AM to my fans, Adam Goldstein to my Jewish summer camp friends, and “that strung out guy” in the tabloids. My parents have finally agreed to let me change my middle name to “Music.” Looks-wise, I’ve been compared to John Travolta (if his face was made of wax and left over an open flame), or a Hebraic Ewan MacGregor. My personality is dope as hell. I used to be one of the top DJ’s in LA, until some little skinny bitch dropped my ass… anyway, I was in a band! Called Crazy Town! (We reached our musical peak with our hit song “Butterfly”) You can bet that L.A. will be a “crazy town” with DJ AM on your arm.

Who You Should Be: Famous. Just really, really famous. Partially dead/decomposed wouldn’t hurt either, but it’s not a requirement. Fame Famey Fame Fame. Those ladies interested can beep me at 323-CHIN-DIMP. Paaaayce!

Gallery Of The Absurd is putting together their own little dysfunctional winter wonderland, complete with Vicodin elves and overly intoxicated Santas. It’s just like being home for the holidays!

Head over there now to see for yourself. And while you’re there, don’t forget to scroll down and check out the great Christmas tree ornaments and menorahs inspired by the events of 2006. I wonder if it’s too late to order a pink Bald Beaver. It’s the perfect gift for mom & dad. Especially dad.

With 2006 down to its final 13 days, everybody is rushing to put out their Best Of The Year lists. Going from site to site and magazine to magazine to find out what the 10 Best– well, everything is– can get a little tiring. We want to make things easier for you. Over the next two weeks we’ll be giving you the 10 Best 10 Best Lists of 2006. No need to go anywhere else. Here’s the first one: The 10 Best Celebrity Body Parts of 2006.


10. Matthew McConaughey’s chest
It used to be a safe bet that Pamela Anderson would be the most frequently photographed topless celebrity in a given year. This year, Matthew McConaughey took the torch. Rain or shine, it didn’t matter; like a mailman, Matthew always delivered the goods. And he delivered them topless (and probably high as a kite.) (iFilm)
9. Anne Hathaway’s nipples
Celebrity nip-slips are supposed to be a beautiful thing. However, when Anne Hathaway dropped by Ellen and talked about how her see-through nipple pics made her cry, we felt really, really bad. For about 9 seconds. Then we went online and googled “Anne Hathaway + nipple” for the 8,765th time this year. (YouTube)
8. Lindsay Lohan’s ass cheeks
It seems like ages ago that Lindsay Lohan was known for her incredible rack. In 2006 she showed us another side of herself. The bottom side. We miss the good ol’ days.(Egotastic)
7. Clay Aiken’s hand
Clay’s hand was at the center of a big controversy this year. It caused Kelly Ripa & Rosie O’Donnell to fight, and it led to discussions about homophobia and politial correctness. Imagine what that hand could accomplish if it didn’t have such a weak wrist supporting it. (YouTube)

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You all know that Best Year Ever airs tonight at 11. But before we look back at the year that was, let’s look back at the past 5 days.

• Losie O’Donnerr was forced to aporogize to the Asian American community for Ching Chonging on The View.
• We saw two sides of Scarlett Johansson… and both were incredibly hot.
• We pondered “Who will become Britney’s next bad influence.” Then we did the math and realized it may be her new boyfriend.
• Nicole Richie learned that it might not be the best idea to inhale a bunch of drugs and drive the wrong way on the freeway.
• And the Bush administration finally scored a big victory… by defeating The Dixie Chicks.

So that was this week. But if you want to see an anti-Semetic Mel Gibson, a newly single K-Fed, a trigger happy Dick Cheney and a whole lot more, tune into Best Year Ever tonight at 11 and all weekend long. You don’t want to miss it.

• Truly earning her crown as Miss USA, Tara Conner ironically might actually lose the title because she’s kiiiind of a drunk slut. Donald Trump should be ashamed of himself.
• Sacha Baron Cohen narrowly escapes having his throat slit while attending a Holocaust Denial conference in Iran as the most beloved Jew hater in all the world, Borat. Here’s one thing we can’t deny: He’s hilarious!
• George Michael plans his first U.S. tour in 15 years, including requisite HJ’s in truckstops nationwide.
• We’ve always thought so, and here’s more proof: Martha Stewart kicks ass. She held her own against Howard Stern, as well as admitting to owning a (UNIVERSAL SHUDDER) vibrator.
• Nicole Richie might have to go to jail because of her recent DUI arrest. For some reason, we’re having no trouble picturing her hanging from shackles nailed into a brick wall in some dungeon somewhere… (sung) because she’s already a (beat) skeleton!

• FLATTERY: They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Consider us flattered. (Radar Online)
• MUGSHOT: Nicole Richie, welcome to the club. Take a seat next to Rip Torn, will ya? (TMZ)
• PLEASE JUST STOP: Paris Hilton took some kinky photographs with sister Nicky. Seriously, hospitalized preemies don’t require as much attention as this woman. (Egotastic)
• SERIOUSLY?: Cincinnati Bengals’ QB Carson Palmer wants the new K-Fed CD for Christmas. More proof that professional athletes should not be role models. (Deadspin)
• POSTER CHILD: Silly Lindsay Lohan, strawberry Quik is for kids. And not for your nose. (Gallery of the Absurd)

Nicole Richie– daughter of Lionel, girlfriend of Joel, friend of Paris, enemy of carbs– was arrested for driving under the influence at 4:50 this morning. According to TMZ, two motorists called 911 after spotting her SUV driving the wrong way on the 134 freeway in Burbank, California.

FOXNews reports: When the California Highway Patrol responded, Richie was stopped in the carpool lane and was alone in the vehicle. When cops approached the vehicle, Richie was on her cell phone.

“She failed the field sobriety test at the field, so she was placed under arrest,” Workman said. “And she provided a sample for testing later on.”

Perhaps more disturbing than the fact Nicole allegedly admitted to smoking pot and taking Vicodin before getting behind the wheel is the fact that the booking sheet reveals Nicole is 5′1″ and 85 lbs. 85lbs! How heavy is that? Here are some comparisons–CLICK BELOW!
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• Lindsay Lohan’s latest rambling letter to no one in particular falls somewhere between “homeless guy yelling about the apocalypse on a street corner” and “Michael Richards screaming the N-Word” on the Crazy Talk scale.
• Meanwhile, Britney Spears’ lastest missive of truth encouragingly suggests that the starlet has finally come to the realization that we’re all tired of seeing her vajooj every time she exits an automobile.
• Across town, Kevin Federline’s latest plea for continued relevance informs us that the wannabe rapper is doing great despite, you know, not selling any albums, getting divorced, having no money and being regarded as America’s Biggest Douchebag.
• Then we’ve got Joel Madden and Nicole Richie forming an unholy union of who gives a sh*t.
• And can someone please tell us why Britney is borrowing bad ironic T-shirts from her bodyguard?

In an effort to prove that their hatred towards celebrities is almost equal to their love of animals, the folks at PETA have put together their annual Worst Dressed List. But this year, rather than simply name the celebs who enjoy walking around in fur, they enlisted the help of a guy who sounds like he’s auditioning for a job as Perez Hilton’s ghostwriter. Here’s his list, complete with catty (can we say catty? is that offensive towards animals?) commentary:

1. Nicole Richie: This pelt-wearing party girl is all animal skin and bones. She’s an incredible shrinking woman with the heart to match.
2. Ashley Olsen: Wearing fur does add 20 pounds, but if Ashley wants to fill out her frame, we suggest using a fork instead.
3. Christina Ricci: Disregarding the holiday season’s “Peace on Earth” message, Ricci recently posed for a magazine cover wearing fur from slaughtered reindeer. At least she’s not into fur hats: Imagine how many more pelts it would take to cover that forehead.
4. Eva Longoria: You’d think she’d be more sympathetic to the plight of rabbits considering the way she screws around like one on Wisteria Lane.

Me-ow! (again, can we say that? we didn’t offend any cats out there, did we?) Nicole’s a bitch, Ashley’s anorexic, Christina has a giant forehead and Eva plays a whore on TV. If those aren’t reasons to stay away from fur, I don’t know what is. Thanks PETA!

Nicole Richie fired her stylist, who fired back claiming that she left voluntarily, which pissed off some publicists, and blah blah blah, Nicole wrote this on her MySpace blog:

BLIND ITEM: What 35 year old raisin face whispers her order of 3 peices of asparagus for dinner at Chateau everynight, and hides her deathly disorder by pointing the finger at me, and used her last paycheck I wrote her to pay for a publisist instead of a nutritionist?

HINT: Her nickname is lettucecup…

BLIND ITEM: What 26 year-old blogger doesn’t remotely give a sh*t about some spoiled trainwreck celebutard’s idiotic feud with her drug-addled ex-”stylist”, and feels ashamed for humanity that such inane garbage could possibly be considered “news”?

HINT: He regretfully wrote this post.

• After a recent Jay-Z show in Vegas, a drunken Paris Hilton got up to lip-synch through a couple of her songs, but her impromptu performance was cut short after she vomited onstage. Paris’ music apparently has the same effect on her as it does the rest of us.
• Nicole Richie has fired her stylist. While Skeletor is sad about having to return to Castle Greyskull, he shrugged off the bad news by saying, “Eh, it’s been a good run,” then laughing maniacally.
• During his wedding reception, Tom Cruise serenaded Katie Holmes with a rendition of “You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feeling”, which she likely remembered from seeing Top Gun when she was nine. No word on whether Tom slapped a nearby bar-back on the ass and told him he could “ride his tail anytime, Iceman”.
• The Game was arrested for impersonating a police officer. Authorities caught onto the rapper’s ruse when they observed him harassing himself for no apparent reason, then putting on handcuffs and roughly throwing himself in the back of his own car.
• OJ Simpson’s wanton molestation of his dead wife salacious book and TV interview deal have been cancelled, leaving us all with no choice but to figure out who killed Nicole Simpson and Ron Goldman all on our own.

• An Italian priest has refused to wed Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes because Tom is twice-divorced. Oh, and because their relationship is a sham. But let’s go with that divorce thing, okay?
• Kevin Federline has turned to cigarettes and alcohol to help him get over Britney Spears. Of course, since all Kevin did when they were together was smoke cigarettes and drink alcohol, it’s unclear as to whether this technically qualifies as a coping mechanism.
• Val Kilmer confessed he’d rather get with Oprah Winfrey than Nicole Richie. In other news, hey! Oprah producers! Val Kilmer is totally available and would love to do the show sometime. Did you hear him say that he’d f**k her? Come on, give him a call.
• Two frat boys who made racist and sexist comments in Borat are prepared to sue 20th Century Fox for making them look stupid on camera. This follows the lawsuit filed against their parents for making them look stupid in life.
• Cameron Diaz wants a nose job because she can’t breathe. Coincidentally, that’s the same reason Justin wants to dump her.

Ayayay! So much pain in Hollywood these days! It is no secret that I’ve always had a mini-fetish for animals in casts. A tiny animal, small cast, sad face… what’s not to love? Which is why we a-literally died when we saw Nicole Richie hoisting her pet cat in all his broken-pawed glory. The cat survived an incredible 10-story suicide attempt last week, and is now back to the lizard-like embrace of its owner. We feel bad for the feline, but being Nicole Richie’s cat ain’t such a bad gig: The two can share jeans, spoon on cold nights, and split a single serving of Tender Vittles for breaky, lunch and dindin. Pop Quiz — can you tell the difference between Nicole’s arm and her cat’s paw? If you know anything about eating disorders, you know the fur isn’t an immediate giveaway.

We wish her cat a speedy recovery, and offer up one tip: Next time, aim the barrel of the gun towards the brain. It almost never fails. (Photos via X17 Online.)

Finally, an answer to the question you’ve been asking yourself for months: Is Nicole Richie slowly transforming into an adorable animal you’d find on CuteOverload.com? The answer, according to CityRag: Unfortunately, yes. Check out their newest post, Dying To Be Cute. It’s the most intelligent observation regarding skinny celebrities you’ll ever read on a blog, beating out the second-most intelligent blog observation: “OMG, they’re so skinny!!! I bet they snort coke & never eat! LOL!”

• XMAS TREAT: Little Jimmy will think you’re the coolest Dad on the block this Christmas when you wrap his red firetruck in “Rapping Paper”, giftwrap with rap lyrics on it: “If there was a problem yo I’d solve it. Check out this hook while the DJ revolves it.” Don’t forget to say Word to your Mother, Jimmy. (Si Hill Design via BoingBoing)
• STORY ARK: The first trailer for Evan Almighty is out. At first it’s like “Steve Carell and animals? Sounds High-larry Clinton!” Then you watch the trailer and it’s like “Criiiiinge.” (AOL Movies)
• 3 MONTHS OF HOBRIETY: Lindsay Lohan has been spotted with a “Ninety Days” AA chip around her neck, indicating how long she’s been sober (side note: Pshhhyeah.) T-minus-4-Days til Claire’s stockpiles them in every color. (Faded Youth)
• GESTURE: Tonight, sit down and take a few minutes to send Jay Leno a thank you note for turning down the opportunity to host the Oscars. (E! Online)
• RETCH GIRLS: Katherine McPhee continues schooling America on shark jumping, telling Nicole Richie to call her if she needs support for her eating disorder. (Star Magazine)
• CLIPGASM: The O.C. is on tonight. Sans Mischa Barton. Watch this clip reel and never forget. (TVGasm)

It would seem that the various pressures of feline fame finally became too much for Nicole Richie’s cat to bear, as Monday night The Simple Life star’s little whiskered friend plunged ten stories from the balcony of an apartment building in an unsuccessful attempt to take its own life. While we are delighted to hear that the cat is still alive (it must have accidentally landed on its feet), one can only imagine the prolonged period of sadness that could have driven a cute little kitty-cat to such a tragic end. Could it have been the sudden return of Paris’ punk-ass chihuahua to its life? Or the tabby’s ongoing concern over the welfare of its rehab-ridden owner? Maybe the puss was just starving (if Nicole can hardly manage to feed herself, one shudders to think how well she keeps her pets nourished). No matter what the reasons, this is the most tragic thing to happen to celebrity house pets since “Buddy” Clinton was hit by a car and turned into Republican roadkill.

• LATE NIGHT GIMMICK: Don’t forget to catch Conan tonight — it’s in Skelevision! Take a shot of gin every time a Nicole Richie joke is made. (Jam! Showbiz)
• HOT COUPLE: Ivanka Trump and Topher Grace spotted canoodling at her birthday party. Now, if they get married, what are the odds he’ll change his name to Topher Trump? Cause we really like the sound of that. (The Superficial)
• HALLOWEEN COSTUME: This year, Kate Bosworth dresses up in the classic “Someone Who Goes Supermarket Shopping” outfit. (A Socialite’s Life)
• PLINKOH-NO!: Bob Barker is leaving The Price Is Right!!! Hopefully, Pat O’Brien is up to the molesty challenge. (TMZ.com)
• PREFERENCE: Paris Hilton prefers eating over sex. Things she prefers above eating: Shopping, Lying and Lying. (PR Inside)

• Nicole Richie, who’s supposed to be in rehab last we heard, reportedly passed out at Hyde Nightclub in the wee hours of Sunday morning. The first step is admitting you have a problem, and the second step is getting wasted and passing out.
• MEANWHILE, in another dark corner of West Hollywood, Lindsay Lohan was spotted “out of it” and “freaking out” about two men in a 4-Runner she seemed to be convinced were “chasing her”. Sounds like someone didn’t pay their dealer!
• Check out these exclusive shots of Mischa Barton showing up to work on The OC set and then having the real-world implications of her character’s onscreen death explained to her.
• In a startling revelation, it seems that K-Fed’s upcoming show at NYC’s Webster Hall is not enjoying the “Beatles Reunite With the Ghost of John Lennon” type of ticket sales we originally expected, and might end up getting cancelled altogether. Now we’ll NEVER get to experience the magic of “America’s Most Hated” live in concert!
• Salma Hayek will be guest-starring on Ugly Betty this week in a cameo appearance as Ridiculously Hot Maria.

Guys, anyone with an Internet connection knows that Paris Hilton hasn’t been tight-lipped about anything since she was about sixteen.

• This year for Halloween, Nicole Richie will be the Queen of Denial, as she spends time in a treatment facility for her inability to gain weight (seriously).
• To kill time on the Babel set, Brad Pitt would “yank up his pants to give himself a wedgie, stick out his rear and waddle about like a duck.” Thank God for our mallard fetish — we’d still totally “do” him.
• Sharon Osborne accuses Madonna of treating her adopted orphan like “getting a Louis Vuitton handbag.” The only difference being in a few years lil’ orphan David will be able to carry more.
• Jessica Simpson is addicted to online dating. She prefers JDate, because she thinks the “J” stands for “Jessica.”
• Anna Nicole Smith’s alleged baby daddy, Casey Affleck, sends the grieving mother his sympathy and a fraud suit.

OhNoTheyDidn’t . Yes. They did.

If you’ve ever wanted to read the MySpace comments of your favorite celebs (your favorite celebs who aren’t too old to actually have MySpace pages, that is), today’s your lucky day. A new MySpace hack allows you to view Comments left on private MySpace pages. So whether you want to learn more about Ashlee & Jessica’s relationship (they miss each other) or you just want to stalk your ex-girlfriend with the private page, odds are you’re not going to get a lot of work done today.

Have fun. Some might be fake, but here are a few to start you off:

Paris Hilton / Nicole Richie / Lindsay Lohan / Mischa Barton / Ashlee Simpson / Hilary Duff / Mary Kate Olsen / Nicky Hilton

• Mel Gibson’s worst nightmare? Zach Braff’s Apocalypto.
• Mel Gibson’s second worst nightmare? Celebrity Translator on his Good Morning America interview.
• Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie become buds again. T-minus 3 days until they fight over who gets the “BEFRI” half of the platinum “best friends” heart necklace.
• Google buys Youtube for $1.65 billion. The Youtube dudes then film a “thank you” video that cost them a few puka shells and an old Beta-max player to produce.
• Avril Lavigne writes an easy-to-follow guide on How 2 B Punk Rock.

Have a great weekend, all! We’ll see you back on Monday.