• After a recent Jay-Z show in Vegas, a drunken Paris Hilton got up to lip-synch through a couple of her songs, but her impromptu performance was cut short after she vomited onstage. Paris’ music apparently has the same effect on her as it does the rest of us.
• Nicole Richie has fired her stylist. While Skeletor is sad about having to return to Castle Greyskull, he shrugged off the bad news by saying, “Eh, it’s been a good run,” then laughing maniacally.
• During his wedding reception, Tom Cruise serenaded Katie Holmes with a rendition of “You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feeling”, which she likely remembered from seeing Top Gun when she was nine. No word on whether Tom slapped a nearby bar-back on the ass and told him he could “ride his tail anytime, Iceman”.
• The Game was arrested for impersonating a police officer. Authorities caught onto the rapper’s ruse when they observed him harassing himself for no apparent reason, then putting on handcuffs and roughly throwing himself in the back of his own car.
• OJ Simpson’s wanton molestation of his dead wife salacious book and TV interview deal have been cancelled, leaving us all with no choice but to figure out who killed Nicole Simpson and Ron Goldman all on our own.

Upset at the lack of video coverage from Tom & Katie’s magical wedding this weekend? We’ve obtained some exclusive footage courtesy of SimsGamer.com. It’s quite beautiful, actually. And exactly how you imagined it.

Link via The Huffington Post

• Tom & Katie spent their final week living in sin before the big wedding; we offered some suggestions for what to get them.
• A newly single K-Fed wrote something that people were actually interested in reading– a f**k you note.
• A big dumb frat guy on MySpace got upset because Borat made him look like a big dumb frat guy in a movie. The nerve!
• Emmitt Smith proved he can not only beat you in football, but also on the dancefloor. Suck on that, Slater.
• Dreamgirls will cost $25 a ticket during the first ten days of its release. Here’s why.
• On The Office, team Karen started beating the s**t out of team Pam. We loved every second.
• O.J. Simpson half-heartedly pretended he didn’t kill somebody… soon in paperback!
• And the internet celebrated its Super Sweet 16.

For that and so much more, make sure you tune into Best Week Ever tonight at 11 (and all weekend long.) In the words of Aerosmith, from that cheesy movie that’s about to become a reality, you don’t want to miss a thing.

It’s been reported today that America’s Queen© Oprah Winfrey has not been invited to Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes‘ wedding in Rome. We’re not sure why this is such a revelation — perhaps in some cultures jumping on one’s couch is a symbol of everlasting loyalty and friendship — but it doesn’t seem like Oprah minds all that much. In fact, she appears much more perturbed about what to give to the happy couple as a wedding gift! Well, fear not, Oprah. We’ve put together a handy little gift-giving guide for you that will make both Tom and Katie smile like the day they became contractually obligated to love one another.

1. Cuddle Chimp. Double your Suri’s for only $24.99! Katie will certainly appreciate the gesture, as Suri will have hours of quiet fun playing with the toy in her air-tight isolation chamber. Most little tykes give this toy a 10 on their e-meter — entertainment meter, that is!

The list continues after the jump!

Read the rest of this entry »

According to MSNBC’s The Scoop, in the final hours of her life outside of matrimony, Tom Cruise & Scientology’s bride-to-be Katie Holmes spent $3,000 on “lacy underthings” during a recent pre-marriage shopping spree in LA. While this news is most certainly adorable, it would seem that our naive little darling is either a) under the misconception that marriage will have a negligible impact on Tom’s sexual interest in her, or b) making one last desperate attempt at convincing herself that Tom’s “tendencies” can be controlled by $3,000 worth of panties. Either way, we wish her the best of luck and hope that, if the skimpy new skivvies don’t work out, not to give up entirely - there’s always roofies.

• “So what? Mah– (hiccup) mah baby’zh gonna be juh… juhsht fine. It’sh only a — (waving us closer and whispering) — a little red wine. (Slips off her stool onto huge belly.)” — fake quote courtesy of actress, mom and wine enthusiast Rachel Weisz.
• Ellen Pompeo got engaged to her boyfriend of three years, Dr. McScreamy.
• Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt’s (wax figures) have have called off their wedding!!! Sources say her heart is melting — ahh-liiiiihterally.
• Speaking of weddings, Scientologist ministers offer new grooms a play-by-play instruction book for “What Women Want” during the marriage ceremony: ““Now, Tom, girls need clothes and food and tender happiness and frills, a pan, a comb, perhaps a cat.” A cat is a great idea — Katie Holmes will need something to keep her warm in bed these nesxt 3 or so years.
• Page Six offers up two blind items, and without giving too much away, here is what we learn: Rhymes with Shmilly Shmoel is a cheap bastard of a drunk, and (surprise!) Shmitney Shmears was forced to have a Cesarean lest her baby be born wearing a coat of syphillis.

Here are some of today’s most memorable pictures. Click the orange “left and right” arrows to flip through them all.

• An Italian priest has refused to wed Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes because Tom is twice-divorced. Oh, and because their relationship is a sham. But let’s go with that divorce thing, okay?
• Kevin Federline has turned to cigarettes and alcohol to help him get over Britney Spears. Of course, since all Kevin did when they were together was smoke cigarettes and drink alcohol, it’s unclear as to whether this technically qualifies as a coping mechanism.
• Val Kilmer confessed he’d rather get with Oprah Winfrey than Nicole Richie. In other news, hey! Oprah producers! Val Kilmer is totally available and would love to do the show sometime. Did you hear him say that he’d f**k her? Come on, give him a call.
• Two frat boys who made racist and sexist comments in Borat are prepared to sue 20th Century Fox for making them look stupid on camera. This follows the lawsuit filed against their parents for making them look stupid in life.
• Cameron Diaz wants a nose job because she can’t breathe. Coincidentally, that’s the same reason Justin wants to dump her.

• According to People, Katie Holmes and Brooke Shields are new best friends. Aww, it’s nice to see a good brainwashing bring two people together like that.
• Madonna has devised a genius marketing method for her new children’s book: “Read it or I’ll adopt you!”
• And this year’s award for best celebrity Halloween costume has to go to Britney Spears for her bold “barely incognito and somewhat bloated spouse of douchebag rapper” ensemble.
• Flavor Flav has successfully produced his seventh offspring. Too bad it wasn’t with his current Flavor of Love sweetheart, because Deelishis Flavor would have been an excellent name.
• Is McDreamy a McWifebeater? You decide!

• K-Fed, possibly worrying about maintaining his Gamma Male dominance while on tour to support his ill-fated album, has forbidden Britney from hiring any male back-up dancers, lest one of them take a page from his own gold-digging playbook and insemintate their way to fame and fortune.
• Anna Nicole Smith’s lawyer has dropped his client, saying he completely supports the embattled bombshell, but he just received a call from Satan, who’s apparently been picked up on DUI charges (again).
• Nicole Kidman reportedly helped calm Katie Holmes’ pre-wedding jitters, softly cooing to her, “Don’t worry sweetie. I know he’s weird, but at least you’ll never have to have sex with him.”
• The Simpson Sisters are warning people about the dangers of plastic surgery, which is pretty much the equivalent of Mel Gibson telling you not to drink and drive.
• Dear Sienna Miller: When in “Shittsburgh”, do as the “Shittsburghers” do. Do NOT stomp your feet and pull a “Do you know who I am?”

• KNIGHT RIDER: Sister, Sister star Brandy has fallen for… Project Runway’s Michael Knight! Sure, it’s likely 99 percent fake, but aww! (Star Magazine)
• CONTRADICKTING HEADLINE: “Scarlett Johansson takes two HIV tests a year but says she’s not promiscuous.” Well, we take one every month and haven’t been laid since the Kennedy Adminstration, so who’s to judge. (The Daily Mail)
• COLONIC: Bo Bice has emergency intestinal surgery. This is like Barbara Streisand getting a nose job, folks. (People Magazine)
• MOTHER: Suri Cruise ain’t even a year old yet, and already Katie Holmes wants to have another baby. How could she possibly stand another 16 month pregnancy? (Female First)
• DELETED SCENE: Want to know why Evan Almighty is becoming the most expensive comedy in the history of film? (Even surpassing the big-budget Harold Lloyd epic pre-talkie Safety Last?) Well, judging by the deleted scenes from Bruce Almighty, pyrotechnics might have something to do with it. (Defamer)

Victoria Beckham nee Posh Spice claims to “look really awful naked,” according to an interview in Australian Harper’s Bazaar. Following the birth of her three children, Brooklyn, Staten-Island and Da’Brahnx, Posh says the weight fluctuation has left her belly saggy, her skin orange, and her breasts high and globe-like. Katie Holmes‘ newfound Be-Fri is also the first to admit that despite airbrushing techniques used to make her look like Anna Wintour’s older sister, she has no ass at all. We always thought Posh had a fantastic figure, and were surprised to learn about her shortcomings. Especially when an anonymous source calling themselves “Ms. Paint” forwarded us a photo showing the singing sensation in nearly no clothes at all. After the jump, take a look at naked Posh for yourself — she’s not looking half bad! Read the rest of this entry »

According to ubiquitous fly-o-the-wall Perez Hilton, Kathy Griffin has broken the news that (friend? fellow d-lister?) Tori Spelling is pregnant, we assume thanks to husband Dean McDermott. While the news isn’t official yet, we happen to peruse some recent photos of Tori, and we definitely notice a unusual belly protuberance from the normally stick-thing Spelling. She’s also been sporting maternity wear, folks. This worries us: Seeing as Tori is out of her billionaire father Aaron Spelling’s will, how on earth will she afford the Gucci bassinet, chinchilla diapers and the illegal-nanny farm the family has been using for generations? We’re willing to give her $20 for first dibs on the baby pics, and she should be grateful for the offer.

In other baby news, Katie Holmes is laying down the common law with baby daddy Tom Cruise: You wanna ‘nother kid, you bettah put a ring on this finger! Katie refuses to have Tom’s second child until marriage. Right on, Dead-Eyes Watson! It’s never too late to be a lady.

You can’t say we didn’t predict this: Chevy Chase has been hired by Law & Order to portray a “celebrity who is pulled over for drunk driving while wearing blood-soaked clothes, and whose religious prejudice comes out after his arrest.” Blood-soaked clothes? Was there something that happened during the Mel Gibson arrest that the Malibu sherriff’s office didn’t tell us? Did Mel hit a deer and attempt to resuscitate it or something? Nice twist L&O! Way to take an actual item from the news and throw in an element of surprise to make it yours. We can’t wait for some of the other Law & Order’s upcoming eps:

• Beefy, ex-TV star makes frantic call reporting daughter’s suicide attempt. Turns out the teenager was lightly scratched by the family cat… only the family cat is a mountain lion.
• A South African alligator hunter is mysteriously killed when he swims directly into the mouth of a whale. Accident… or is it?
• A cultish white movie star marries a fellow-white woman with glass eyes who births a little black baby.

No, that last one is more of a Maury Povich episode… from our dreams. The Mel Gibson/L&O fiasco will air on NBC Friday, November 3, at 10 pm.

While I usually like to post these gossipy tidbits in the classier “royal we” voice, I fear my compatriots would not stand behind my decision to add yet another Suri Cruise posting. Well the hell with ‘em. I’m gonna come right out and say it.

Suri Cruise is the cutest baby I have ever seen. There. It’s out. Yes, it’s even cuter than this. I don’t care if a thetan-mobile hangs over her head, or if her poor sunken-eyed mother wasn’t allowed to make a peep as the child’s glorious mop of hair came poking out of her hindquarters. The kid is absolutely stunning! I can’t get her out of my mind. Everything I did today was punctuated with the thought of Suri. Get a cup of coffee Suri. Flat iron my ankle hair Suri. Call all of my ex-husbands and beg them for a thimble of their seed Suri.

Look at these pictures! No wonder Tom and Kat”i”e didn’t want to release the pics. They best lock that kid up if they knew what was good for it! I’ve got a papoose with a gaping hole of loneliness inside just begging for a tiny blue-eyed eskimo. And, of course, I demand more pictures. In fact, I want my October issue of Vogue to weigh at least 15 pounds, and when I crack it open, the inside of it should be hollowed out to reveal a real life baby. Listen, when you think of how many babies have to be put to sleep at the Humane Society every year, it’s really the right thing to do. I’m sure Anna Wintour can make it happen.

(See more of the Vanity Fair pics here!)

We are in the best mood! Why? Because the Suri Cruise Vanity Fair hit the newstands with a thetan-heavy thud this morning. While the magazine is being a little Vanity UNFair, in that they’re not allowing certain photos to be published, we’ve already purchased enough issues to completely shellack our foyers in its borderline-creepy-photoshopped goodness. Yes, we think the real father might be Jackie Chan, and yes, the below picture really is straight up “baby toupee“, but look at that face!! Maybe it’s our chronic constipation (aka “food baby”), or maybe it’s our biological Tivo ordering a season pass to loneliness, but celebribaby-mania has really made us yearn for a little cyborg of our own. Now, if you’ll excuse us, we need to register our profile on BeMyBabysDaddy.com.

Suri Cruise has been revealed! (Click on thumbnails to enlarge) Katie Couric made her debut on the CBS Evening News tonight, and as part of all the hoopla, the network got an exclusive first look at The Second Most Famous Celebrity Baby in the World©, Suri Cruise. And, sad to say, the baby is not an alien, as we had predicted. No, in fact, she’s pretty gorgeous. Which is why we’re so pissed. This is what we were waiting for? A beautiful, peaceful, human baby, void of any third eyes, cleft palettes, or Edward James Olmos-like acne scarring?! We have now officially placed all of our bets on dyslexia… but we’ll have to wait a good 11 years to find out for sure. And now, without further ado, blurry pics of Suri Cruise:

Oh, and if this post is down in the morning, and no one ever hears from me again, please assume I have been snipered by some very high powered lawyers/scien… well, you know. We’ll have better versions of these pics tomorrow when they’re “officially” released.

The first reports of the highly-buzzed Vanity Fair/Suri Cruise photoshoot are out… and, well, hopefully the baby really is an alien, as the photos sound fairly bland. One shows Suri nestled against Tom Cruise’s neck, in an angle we only hope screams “Suri-Goiter”. Another shows Tom and “wife” Katie Holmes laying in bed with lil’ Sur. (It should also be noted that recent photos of Katie prove the girl is way past the verge of a nervous breakdown.) You know, now that we think about it, these photos sound veeeery similar to those of another highly anticipated baby. Yes, veeeery similar…

Those artistic geniuses over at Gallery of the Absurd have done it again, this time bringing us a Michael Lohan-inspired cartoon drawing by Katie Holmes, who clearly seems to be trying to tell us something. It’s sort of like when psychologists have little kids draw pictures that explain the abuse they’ve suffered, except in Katie’s world, psychologists don’t exist and “suffering” is just another word for “in need of extensive Thetan-cleansing”.

• STIGMATA: The Pringles Man appears in the form of a saddlebag sweatstache on some guy’s pants. Millions of overweight sports-fanatics flock to the man’s ass to cry, pray. (Cityrag)
• OVERHEATING STARLET: Jennifer Garner is rushed to the hospital while filming The Kingdom in Arizona, after a bout of overheating. Lindsay Lohan immediately Blackberrys her, asking for tips on how to make her next incident “more authentic.” (E! Online)
• SIDE-BOOB: Speaking of LiLo, the girl exposes yet more of her noteworthy side-boob, this time while wearing a burlap sack with armholes made for a condor. Her breasts don’t even look human anymore, rather like those dolls made of pantyhose and cotton balls. We’re thinking googly-eyed nips. (Hollywood Gossip Whores)
• FAKE RESCUE: A couple who got into a car accident got some celebritay-tay-assistance when Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes stopped to help them out, while Suri Cruise remained clamped into the backseat, baby-Hannibal-Lecter mask in place, plotting. She’s always plotting, Clarice. (Defamer)
• GOLDEN GIRL LIVES!: Betty White is Alive!!! And she hasn’t aged!! At all!… Seriously she looks the same. Maybe she’s been laughogenically frozen. (Perez Hilton)
• HEADLINE: “How the Nazis Gave Us Disco.” We may have just given up on life. (UK Telegraph)

• A million fantasies come to a close, as Hugh Grant gets engaged to socialite girlfriend Jemima Kahn. Probably had something to do with her pancakes and batter, if you know what I’m sayin’! Which is that she makes delicious breakfast.
• Christina Aguilera’s trademark secret? Maker’s Mark. Oh, and she tucks.
• Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes shlepped Suri to a party at the Will Smith mansion, where the baby was supposedly “Getting Nonexistent With It.”
• A true Hollywood miracle: Snakes on a Plane toast.
• Nothing is coming up Milhouse, as The Simpsons have been banned in China. Well, what are the coolest, most hilarious kids in China gonna quote now to prove their razor-sharp wits?