We’ve spent the greater part of the past year laughing at Kevin Federline. Be it his hilarious “PopoZao”-ing, his adorably unjustified confidence, or his sheer skankiness, K-Fed has secured his spot in the pantheon of great comedic entertainers alongside the likes of Patrick Swayze, Corey Feldman and Vanilla Ice. But did you know that Kevs got his comedy break on the criminally-overlooked Vh1 late night talkshow Late World With Zach*? The clip below, retrieved and restored through the miracle of YouTube, depicts a pre-Britney K-Fed dancing alongside hilarious comedian Zach Galifianakis in the star-crossed show’s finale:

*BONUS “DID YOU KNOW”: Late World With Zach was produced by Fred Graver, the man who created and produces Best Week Ever!

Check out this clip of Weird Al sitting down and rapping with the one person in the world whose hip hop flow is even funnier than his own: Kevin Federline.

According to Page Six, Britney Spears‘ frienship with Paris Hilton has come to an end. After leaving friends, family, fans and casual observes scratching their heads over her downward spiraling career following a marriage to deadbeat gold-digger K-Fed, her subsequent major in vagina-exposing and minor in partying ethics from Paris Hilton University, and her recent public displays of disgusting affection with LA Greaseball Douchebag Guy, Brit’s at a crossroads once again, as she must choose the NEXT person who will help ruin her life, and considering the kinds of sleaze she’s already surrounded herself with, our girl’s really going to have to outdo herself this time. Not everyone can fill K-Fed’s wifebeater. To help her out, we’ve compiled the following list of potential New Scumbag Best Friend/Boyfriends for Britney Spears:

Girls Gone Wild creator Joe Francis

PROS: His skills in making “Drunk Chicks Flashing Their Tits” videos could really help Britney break into that prized “Blacked Out Frat Guy” demographic. Makes Brandon Davis seem “classy”.

CONS: Probably date rapes. A lot.

Anna Nicole Smith

PROS: Is on pace to become an even bigger trainwreck than Michael Jackon (who, incidentally, might also be worth considering).

CONS: Just too depressing. Read the rest of this entry »

I know we’ve given K-Fed a lot of sh*t over the past few years about being a worthless, good-for-nothing gold-digger with no real skills or abilities, existing solely as a parasite upon the naive sensibilities of an impressionable young Britney Spears. But according to this report by The Scoop, it would seem that Kevs is turning over a new wifebeater and finally applying himself to some much-needed scholastic enrichment:

K-Fed is prepared to write a steamy, scandal-filled book about his estranged wife that could include shocking details about wild drinking, alleged drug use, her sexual attraction towards other women — as well as her supposed belief in time-travel…

While we’re not surprised to learn that Kevin is planning to wring every last drop of exploitative cash out of his marriage to Britney, we are both shocked and proud to learn that he is finally going to get around to conquering literacy. Now that he will be able to communicate in means other than ill-conceived rap rhymes and fake gang signs, who knows what sort of profound insights Kevin will have to offer?

• Lindsay Lohan’s latest rambling letter to no one in particular falls somewhere between “homeless guy yelling about the apocalypse on a street corner” and “Michael Richards screaming the N-Word” on the Crazy Talk scale.
• Meanwhile, Britney Spears’ lastest missive of truth encouragingly suggests that the starlet has finally come to the realization that we’re all tired of seeing her vajooj every time she exits an automobile.
• Across town, Kevin Federline’s latest plea for continued relevance informs us that the wannabe rapper is doing great despite, you know, not selling any albums, getting divorced, having no money and being regarded as America’s Biggest Douchebag.
• Then we’ve got Joel Madden and Nicole Richie forming an unholy union of who gives a sh*t.
• And can someone please tell us why Britney is borrowing bad ironic T-shirts from her bodyguard?

Excuse the grainy home video footage, but we have finally located the only two rappers in the world who are actually worse than Kevin Federline. In what clearly has to be a part of our government’s reinvigorated immigration reform initiative, a couple of Immigration and Naturalization Services Agents use some fresh beats to bust out the 411 on how to find a better life in the US, without getting yourselves reported. If there’s one thing the swarthy heathens understand, it’s dope rhymes!

• Paris Hilton has backed out of hosting the Billboard Music Awards on account of her unwillingness to makes jokes about her peers they might consider “hurtful or embarassing”. Besides, Paris’ peers prefer thier hurtfulness and embarassment to be self-inflicted.
• Britney Spears turned 25 on Saturday. She celebrated by hanging out with Paris Hilton and having a paparazzi pop out of her vagina, then take their picture.
• Kevin Federline is trying to put together a reality show about his life after Britney, tentatively entitled, “Please Continue To Pay Attention To Me - I Promise I’ll Do Lots More Dumb Sh*t For You To Laugh At”.
• Speaking of “moving on”, Kid Rock has replaced one bimbo with two.
• Oprah’s pal Gayle King suggested that they occasionally use the “N-word” in the privacy of each other’s company. Specifically, when they’re on Oprah’s plantation, and Gayle hasn’t done her daily chores, Oprah has been known to drop a few N-bombs.

Jason Alexander (not Costanza, but the trashball who was married to a pop star for a few hours) was sapping off of Britney Spears back when K-Fed was still doing the Roger Rabbit onstage as a 98 Degrees backup dancer. And now, during Britney’s time of post-marital vagina-exposing crisis, apropos of nothing, Mr. Alexander is bursting back onto the scene to offer his underinformed opinions on matters that have next to nothing to do with him, enlightening us with approximately zero things we didn’t already know:

On K-Fed’s custody battle:
“The custody thing is to up the amount he gets from her. There is no way that he will get it. It’s all about the money.”

On Britney’s potential bi curiosity:
“She found other girls attractive, yes, but we never did anything about it. Our relationship was about us. We just weren’t together long enough for that to come up really. That’s not to say that I don’t know anything about threesomes.”

On her plastic surgery:
“She had a tummy tuck after the birth of her second child”

K-Fed’s a money-grubbing douche, Brit might kinda maybe sorta be into chicks if she was drunk (though he’s not positive - but he DOES go out of his way to let us know that he’s had a threesome before, probably in Louisiana, probably with a couple skanks who were in some way impressed by his 15 milliseconds of fame), and famous people occasionally have mild plastic surgery. With startling revelations like these, Jason should really write a book. Oh, wait:

“It’s a about a small town guy and all the crazy events that happened. It focuses on all the stuff that no one knows…It does feature our sex life. It does feature having sex with her and what that was like.”

Of course.

Let’s take a quick look at who is faring better in these post-divorce days!

PHYSICALLY: The above comparison should say it all. K-Fed has tossed his cornrows to the wind, slapped on some cufflinks, and affixed the lucky diamond earring Brit no doubt bought him for Valentine’s Day. His Esquire duds work for him. Britney Spears, sadly, isn’t one of those girls who looks trashily hot when coked out of her brains. It’s more of a beaten hooker vibe. (Paris’ manhands really leave a mark.) At least she’s shaving! WINNER: K-Fed.

ROMANTICALLY: Britney’s latest squeeze is the ostrichian Paris Hilton. We won’t even get into details because you probably already know too much about their budding relationship. K-Fed isn’t crying though, as he’s scored his own eff-buddy in former porn star Kendra Jade. This one really comes down to which squeeze has less venereal diseases… aaand we’re guessing porn star. WINNER: K-Fed.

FINANCIALLY: Britney came out of the divorce with a water-tight pre-nup and top crotch lawyers. K-Fed can always stretch his last remaining diamond baubles to last at least a few more months. Still, this one’s easy. WINNER: Screwge McF**k, i.e. Britney.

Keep reading for more highly astute in-depth analysis.

Read the rest of this entry »

According to this TMZ report, Britney and K-Fed are planning to release a joint statement insisting that the home sex tape they are rumored to have made together in fact does not exist. Now, to the untrained eye, this is just your garden variety bad news. But anyone who knows anything about celebrity press manipulation immediately recognizes the alternative possibility: that there was a sex tape, and Britney bought it back in order to save what’s left of her public image. So, dear readers, in your amateur celebrity assessment opinions, do you think there never was a filmed account of these two trash cans bumping nasties, or do you think K-Fed is set for life? Vote in our poll, then leave any further theories - or speculated dollar amounts - in the comments section.

• Tom & Katie spent their final week living in sin before the big wedding; we offered some suggestions for what to get them.
• A newly single K-Fed wrote something that people were actually interested in reading– a f**k you note.
• A big dumb frat guy on MySpace got upset because Borat made him look like a big dumb frat guy in a movie. The nerve!
• Emmitt Smith proved he can not only beat you in football, but also on the dancefloor. Suck on that, Slater.
• Dreamgirls will cost $25 a ticket during the first ten days of its release. Here’s why.
• On The Office, team Karen started beating the s**t out of team Pam. We loved every second.
• O.J. Simpson half-heartedly pretended he didn’t kill somebody… soon in paperback!
• And the internet celebrated its Super Sweet 16.

For that and so much more, make sure you tune into Best Week Ever tonight at 11 (and all weekend long.) In the words of Aerosmith, from that cheesy movie that’s about to become a reality, you don’t want to miss a thing.

Our friends at Us Weekly obtained this EXCLUSIVE!!! photo of an angry missive from Kevin Federline, scrawled on the shower door of his dressing room after a recent House of Blues show nobody probably went to. Thus spoketh the Federdouche:

Today I’m a free man
Ladies look out
F*ck a wife
Give me my kids B*tch!

You ladies should indeed “look out”. There’s now a wife-beatered trash can with delusions of rap grandeur and a sharpie on the loose. His sperm is powerful, his prose is ridiculous, and he will not hesitate to attack you with life-ruining impregnation should you allow him to get get too close.

I don’t think anyone could be more stoked about Britney giving K-Fed his walking papers than Jason Alexander and Shar Jackson, the unhappy couple’s respective exes. If only everyone could know the transcendent pleasure of watching the person who broke their heart suffer through a self-destructive, two-year long meltdown, in front of hundreds of millions of people. Sure beats burning a few polaroids.

“Here’s a note to stars: When you make a sex tape it always comes back to bite you in that certain area you chose to bare on screen. You follow?”

I couldn’t say it any better myself, completely disposable FoxNews anchor. With a rumored Britney/K-Fed sex tape about to rear it’s ugly (and we mean ugly) head, the people over at Fox report Mr. Fed has already been offered $50 million for the 4-hour long tape. Me? I find it hard to believe Kevin Federline has ever worked for 4 hours on anything.

Video via Gawker

• CALL IT A COMEBACK: Tara Reid looks… good. Wait, what? How are we supposed to deal with this? (Hollywoodtuna)
• K-Fed finally found a place to go where he’s appreciated: Wal*Mart. Maybe they’ll hire him. (TMZ)
• THEORETICAL QUESTION: If somebody makes a “You’re with me, leather” reference on a show that nobody watches, did it ever happen at all? Apparently. (Deadspin)
• GOOD NEWS FOR PEDOPHILES: Dateline has fired 17 employees, making it even trickier to Catch A Predator. (The Huffington Post)
• GOOD NEWS FOR MUSIC SNOBS: What are your favorite indie-rockers listening to? Now there’s an easy way to find out. (PopCandy)

The document wranglers over at The Smoking Gun have obtained a copy of Kevin Federline’s Hospitality Rider, which lists his various demands for the backstage area of his under-attended live performances. While the contents are not particularly surprising (Doritos, cigarettes, Vodka & Red Bull, etc.), what you might not know is this is only the FIRST page of the rider. Through our shadowy network of backstage operatives, BWE.tv has managed to obtain the SECOND page of the document, from which we will share a few of K-Fed’s additional demands:

KEVIN REQUIRES:

A minimum of fifty (50) audience members, paying or otherwise; AND
At least three (3) of which who genuinely want to be there and swear they are not attending to be ironic or funny
One (1) more chance to change Britney’s mind; OR
One (1) capable Divorce Lawyer willing to work pro bono, or in exchange for royalties from sale of future rap songs; OR
One (1) female with functioning genitalia who will voluntarily pleasure Kevin; OR
One (1) paid female escort who will pleasure Kevin for compensation; OR
One (1) porno movie, with no plot, and a few weeks’ worth of Kleenex

ABSOLUTELY NO:

Heckling, Name-Calling, Insult-Hurling, or Any Other Verbal or Physical Abuse
Fed-Ex packages or logos anywhere, ever
Challenges to Battle by means of Rapping
Posting negative reviews of the show on Craigslist
Use of the phrase “Vanilla Ice”
Discussion of Kevin’s future plans
Text messaging of any sort

When photos surfaced two days ago of a newly single, carefree Britney Spears skating around Rockefeller Center in a newly purchased Gap v-neck and oddly childish white knit golf cap topped with a pom-pom, everyone marveled at how adorable Britney looked. “She’s back!” we cried, pumping our fists in the air, shredding our angry letters to K-Fed asking him to dial the douche down a crotch.

Last night, while K-Fed was off rapping some fresh beats to the deaf wing of a Children’s Hospital somewhere, Britney was “out on the town” in a little black minidress and… the same, knit white golf cap. Then, this morning, she was (gulp) spotted (cotton mouth) wearing the very same… (dry cough) white knit… (sandthroat) golfcap. Mind you, it’s a balmy 68 degrees in New York today. She’s not wearing the hat to remain anonymous, as clearly she’s the only person ballsy enough to purchase it. So what is it with that hat? Is its innate goofiness just wacky enough to make Britney feel like a kid again? Or is this some sort of security blankyish device to make her feel cozy? Or is it actually hiding a tin-foil yarmulke used to prevent the CIA from reading her thoughts? So many choices.

K-Fed performed at Chicago’s House of Blues last night for the low-low price of Free. When he wasn’t revelling in his newly single status or asking ladies if they want to “dance with a pimp”, apparently he was battling with his “fans.” Like this guy from craigslist’s “Rants & Raves” section:

I wore a FedEx shirt and cut out a piece of a big fedex box and brought it in with me. Nice, eh? So Gay-Fed goes on stage and I manage to work my way up through the 400 people or so, to within 5 feet of the stage. The first song is some bulls**t song about sticking the middle finger up…well, I did, along with the FedEx sign. haha, so during the song, mr. fed looks at me and just says “f**k you” ah, I gave it right back to him…

…Soon I was grabbed by the shirt and pulled out of the show. Security explained to me that “Mr. Federline” took a break to talk to them and wanted me removed from the show, it wasnt their (House of Blues) decision but his(Federline).

Read the rest of it here. There’s no way to tell if this Craigslist story is true (just like there’s no way to tell if that girl you’re supposed to meet through “Casual Encounters” will actually be a woman), but we hope it is. Oh, and in case you were wondering, the guy who was thrown out didn’t let the incident impact his feelings about the performance.

“BTW his music f**king blows.”

Fair enough.

If there’s one thing Britney Spears was never given much credit for, it was her brains. But yesterday’s shocking divorce proceedings from hubby K-Fed, and the details of the couple’s water-tight pre-nuptual agreement, proves that maybe the baby-producing pop star isn’t as dumb as we thought. In fact, to prove this point, we’ve compiled a list of people that Britney Spears is smarter than. There are plenty of surprises!

Britney Spears Is Smarter Than…

• Paul McCartney. His divorce from one-legged sometime soft-core porn model Heather Mills is adding up to be the most expensive divorce settlement in history. Mills could hobble away with anywhere from $200 to $400 million dollars!
• Steven Spielberg. In the 1980’s, Spielberg weddorced actress Amy Irving (best known as Izzy in Crossing Delancey, i.e. unknown). Luckily, she’ll never have to work in that town again, as they never signed a pre-nup! “True love” quickly turned into “The $100 Million Mistake” for Steven.
• Reese Witherspoon. Sure, Reese might be a better actress than Brit, but Reese’s southern hospitality is soon to bite her in the ass, as ex-huz Ryan Phillippe looks to earn a pretty penny in their divorce settlement.
• Harrison Ford. Imagine you’re a hot young action star. Imagine you’ve made millions swinging from vines and protecting your children from the IRA. Now imagine some woman (who happens to be the mother of your children and wife) is all “this isn’t working out”, and then takes half of your Indiana Jones money, or roughly $85 million. You would also have a mid-life crisis.
• Christina Aguilera. Kidding. We just wanted to rile you.

The name of the show is Best Week Ever… however when your wife leaves you, your debut album sells only 6,000 copies and there’s such little interest in one of your concerts that the venue is literally giving tickets away… yeah. Um. Hmm. Not sure what to say. Hey! Look at this cool logo! At least one good thing came out of all this! Cheer up K-Fed, it can only get better!

• DAMAGED GOODS: Britney Spears, when one takes a gander at the pics “Before and After” K-Fed laid waste to once fertile lands. (CollegeHumor)
• CRAPPY SERVICE: A Greyhound bus emptied its latrine in traffic, covering an Ohio family in human waste. And we thought nothing could be more disgusting than sitting next to the drunk old hobo who just peed himself. (The Smoking Gun)
• FOLEY FACTS: The Unit’s Scott Foley is engaged. Washington’s Mark Foley is still a pedophile. (People)
• GOOD NEWS FOR POST-APOCALYPTIC JEWS: Mel Gibson will not be reprising the rold of Mad Max in the fourth intallment of the film franchise. (DigitalSpy)
• BWE PANELIST PASTIME: Giving interviews to comedy blogs, such as Frangela on The Apiary and Christian Finnegan on Dead Frog. (The Apiary, Dead Frog)
• IN TOO DEEP: Genesis is reuniting, but “not for the money”. It’s actually more for the things they will be able to buy with the money. (BBC)