• COMPLETE BULLSH*T THING WE WISH WERE NOT: A Jessica Simpson sex tape. Riiiiight, and be sure to look out next week for the Jessica Alba/Biel/Simpson lesbian 3-way video. Besides, everyone knows Jessica’s dad only shoots stills. (Gullible Bloggers)
• VAN DAMMIT: Jean Claude Van Damme will not be starring in Rush Hour 3, which means we will not be seeing Rush Hour 3. (Empire Online)
• CASUAL ENCOUNTER: Some Fortune 500 CEO gets understandably blackmailed by a hot young thing he met on Craigslist. (The Smoking Gun)
• HARD TIME: OJ Simpson isn’t nearly as good at golf as he is at murdering people. (TMZ)
• PORN FOR PARIS HILTON: Here’s how cocaine is made. Keep hoovering it up, kiddies! (Cityrag)

“I’m a cheesy pop star. I am. I sing pop music, pop music is cheesy.”

Jessica Simpson was recently interviewed by Jane magazine. The folks over at Janemag.com have some audio outtakes from her interview. So head on over there right now to learn more about Jessica than you ever thought you would. Fun facts like:

• Dolly Parton is her idol.
• She’s into photography.
• Listens to Judy Garland’s “Somewhere Over The Rainbow” every single day.
• She sees a white butterfly every single day but she can’t figure out what it means.

I don’t know why, but I have a feeling that knowing these things may save your life someday. You’re welcome.

Here are some of today’s most memorable pictures. Click the orange “left and right” arrows to flip through them all.

• This year for Halloween, Nicole Richie will be the Queen of Denial, as she spends time in a treatment facility for her inability to gain weight (seriously).
• To kill time on the Babel set, Brad Pitt would “yank up his pants to give himself a wedgie, stick out his rear and waddle about like a duck.” Thank God for our mallard fetish — we’d still totally “do” him.
• Sharon Osborne accuses Madonna of treating her adopted orphan like “getting a Louis Vuitton handbag.” The only difference being in a few years lil’ orphan David will be able to carry more.
• Jessica Simpson is addicted to online dating. She prefers JDate, because she thinks the “J” stands for “Jessica.”
• Anna Nicole Smith’s alleged baby daddy, Casey Affleck, sends the grieving mother his sympathy and a fraud suit.

We really don’t give Jessica Simpson enough credit. For a girl whose father is this side of Molesty Culkin, she is unbelieeeevably normal. Daddy Joe Simpson is a frosty-tipped publicity gigolo who, for an ex-pastor, has absolutely no problem taking photos of his daughter in pure ex-coital bliss. Let’s kick off the creeptown train and reminisce to 2004, when Joe waxed hoetic to GQ Magazine about Jess’s rack: “She’s got double-D’s! You can’t cover those suckers up!” In his defense, Jessica tells Jane:

We’re Podunk Southern. And my dad is very open about his ideas and…it’s disgusting that people would actually think…people are making a judgment on something that is false.

Is it disgusting, Jessica? Is it? Because, judging by the above photograph, taken by your father, a bedsheet barely covering up your bathing suit places and an indentation in the neighboring pillow that just screams Premarital Sex, we think your father should take a long hard look at his insanely puppet-like features, run his fingers over that rhinestoned WWJD bracelet he so loves, and reconsider what exactly his motives are. Feel free to talk about your huge rack J, but please, keep it outside of the family.

If Jessica Simpson starts working on her hacky stand-up schtick, she could have a bright future on the red carpet once all the Botox has finished its total annihilation of her face.

OhNoTheyDidn’t . Yes. They did.

If you’ve ever wanted to read the MySpace comments of your favorite celebs (your favorite celebs who aren’t too old to actually have MySpace pages, that is), today’s your lucky day. A new MySpace hack allows you to view Comments left on private MySpace pages. So whether you want to learn more about Ashlee & Jessica’s relationship (they miss each other) or you just want to stalk your ex-girlfriend with the private page, odds are you’re not going to get a lot of work done today.

Have fun. Some might be fake, but here are a few to start you off:

Paris Hilton / Nicole Richie / Lindsay Lohan / Mischa Barton / Ashlee Simpson / Hilary Duff / Mary Kate Olsen / Nicky Hilton

Because you can’t get enough of Ashlee and Jessica. Because you’ve often wondered what it’d be like if Ashlee had a wheelbarrow full of fast food and Jessica was lobbing hot dogs at her. And because you’re really really really bored at work. That’s why you want to play A Family Affair, the latest VH1 Game that pits Jessica against Ashlee. Or something. I haven’t exactly figured it out yet.

Anyway, this game should keep you busy for LITERALLY minutes on end. So go ahead; make like Joe Simpson and start playing with them girls.

Filing Nick Lachey under “D for Douche” is sort of like calling Paris Hilton “a little promiscuous” - it just goes without saying. But some d-bags are d-baggier than others, and when Jessica Simpson’s c*ck-loving cuckold told David Letterman that he deals with his divorce from that brainless boobjob by “throwing himself into a little bit of booze to kind of numb the pain”, he’s pretty much slamming his fist down on the bar after half a beer and drunkenly announcing to everyone within earshot, “I AM NICK LACHEY, AND I AM A PATHETIC DOUCHEBAG!” like the total Sorority Girl that he is. The mental image of that blonde-tipped baby crying into a bottle of Smirnoff Ice over the inevitable failure of his publicity stunt marriage makes it so much easier to understand why wifey would want to be the meat in the middle of a Jackass sandwich. Anyways, congratulations Nick - you’re today’s Daily Douche. And a total pussy.

• K-Fed, possibly worrying about maintaining his Gamma Male dominance while on tour to support his ill-fated album, has forbidden Britney from hiring any male back-up dancers, lest one of them take a page from his own gold-digging playbook and insemintate their way to fame and fortune.
• Anna Nicole Smith’s lawyer has dropped his client, saying he completely supports the embattled bombshell, but he just received a call from Satan, who’s apparently been picked up on DUI charges (again).
• Nicole Kidman reportedly helped calm Katie Holmes’ pre-wedding jitters, softly cooing to her, “Don’t worry sweetie. I know he’s weird, but at least you’ll never have to have sex with him.”
• The Simpson Sisters are warning people about the dangers of plastic surgery, which is pretty much the equivalent of Mel Gibson telling you not to drink and drive.
• Dear Sienna Miller: When in “Shittsburgh”, do as the “Shittsburghers” do. Do NOT stomp your feet and pull a “Do you know who I am?”

• NEW FRIENDS: Meet Screech’s sex-tape partners. Their faces are blurred, which is unfortunate, but not nearly as unfortunate as leaving Screech’s face unblurred. (TMZ)
• REASON TO LIVE: Terrell Owens has really been through a lot lately… but judging by what Philly fans are going to throw at him next week, it’s only just the beginning. (Kissing Suzy Kolber)
• RETIREMENT PLAN: Brad and Angelina have hired David Beckham as Maddox’s private soccer coach. He must need the money. (Daily Mail)
• PROVE IT: Jessica Alba has been named the “most kissable” celebrity. We challenge her to prove it. (Hollywoodtuna)
• WONDERLAND: Jessica Simpson’s body, which John Mayer may or may not be exploring. (A Socialite’s Life)

• Jessica Simpson’s dad, Joe, wants to “beat the crap” out of Bam Magera for bragging that he slept with Jessica.. Because nobody is allowed to talk about having sex with his daughters but him, dammit!
• Charlie Sheen is set to become TV’s highest-paid sitcom star for his role on Two And A Half Men. Friends, family, and local L.A. whores are incredibly excited about the news.
• Analysts estimate that MySpace could be worth $15 billion within three years. Suddenly Tom just got a little more attractive, didn’t he ladies?
• Rod Stewart has vowed to get a vascectomy after he fathers one more child. No joke here; just included it because we wanted you to think of a 107-year-old Rod Stewart having sex. You’re welcome.
• Pete Doherty, who has vowed to stay clean for girlfriend Kate Moss, was spotted shopping for syringes just 15 hours after leaving rehab. When confronted he responded, “I meant to say I’ll keep my syringes clean for Kate. It’s a start.”

Take a look at this photo. On the right, a new and improved Ashlee Simpson, or as we chose to call her, “Heidi Klum 3000.” Now, look a little to the left… that ashen-faced dead-eyed deer you see is actually Jessica Simpson. Jessica was seen supporting sister Ashlee’s debut in the London production of Chicago. Our initial reaction was to get the paddles out, scream “clear”, and jolt some electricity back into her sad, deadened heart. But could this all be part of some ingenious campaign to illicit sympathy for the girl who seemed to have it all? Because (pause for boiling hot shower and thorough de-licing) we think it’s working. You can peep more of the opening night pics here. What has happened to America’s darlings?

Cityrag stumbled upon this gallery of old candid celebrity photographs on Flickr and reminded us of something we had completely forgotten about: old famous people people used to be fun! Tom Cruise, Mel Gibson and Jodie Foster weren’t always crazy, anti-semetic and boring as all hell. They were like Zach Braff, Colin Farrell and Lindsay Lohan… but talented! What a world!

So that begs the question: which current actor or actress is going to grow up and become a restrained, boring Jodie Foster-of-a-celebrity? Jessica Simpson? Paris? Steve-O? Whoever it is, it’s probably going to surprise us. What’s your guess? (For the record, I’m going with Hilary Duff. Just a hunch.)

• Jessica Simpson is planning to open a chain of “Daisy Duke” themed restaurants, in which scantily clad waitresses will serve scantily brained men scantily flavored food (how novel). The waitresses will also engage in degrading sex acts with the jackass stoner dishwashers who light themselves on fire for fun.
• TMZ caught Lindsay Lohan on the streets of Hollywood, having an impromptu rehearsal for her upcoming role in Karate Kid 5: Firecrotch Kicks Back.
• I now present the most profound statement Paris Hilton has ever made: “I’m not like that smart”. That sh*t could bend spoons.
• Lou Diamond Phillips was charged with Domestic Battery after an August incident in which he allegedly “pushed and dragged” his girlfriend across the house. Guess someone shouldn’t have gotten so mouthy about their real opinion of Stand and Deliver.
• What Would Jesus Drive? Probably a pimped-out U-haul covered in “graffiti art” and promo ads for Stephen Baldwin’s new book.

• A plastic bag has been spotted floating near a shuttle in outer space, thus completely blowing the minds of stoned college kids who think American Beauty* and 2001 are, like, so deep man.
• While visiting boyfried Pete Doherty in rehab last week, Kate Moss reportedly “got it on” with him in the public garden, proving once again that these two are the Romeo and Juliet of drug-addled enablers. Oh bag of blow, bag of blow - wherefore art thou bag of blow?
• Jessica Simpson says shooting her movie Employee of the Month “got her through a tough time”. Yes, nothing brightens the days of bitter divorce quite like Dane Cook doing cartwheels while holding his crotch and making fart noises.
• You know what else healed the wounds of Jessica’s broken matrimony? F*cking some Jackass whose entire life’s work consists of binge drinking, lighting himself on fire and letting crabs dangle from his tongue.
• To mark the 15th anniversary of Nirvana’s landmark album Nevermind, Courtney Love busts out one of her old classics, “Still Shamelessly Exploiting My Dead Genius Husband For Personal Attention After All These Years”.

*Seriously, it’s a f*cking bag.

The studio behind Employee of the Month took a pretty interesting approach to selling their movie to “the kids on the MySpace”, with the following ad currently appearing on the front page. I suspected this movie would be full of plastic sex objects who can’t act, but I didn’t realize it was actually hardcore porno…

UPDATE: My obvious (and rather poor) photoshopping of the first panel of the ad somehow made it appear that they were salaciously using sex to sell their movie, which they clearly would never think of doing. For clarity, the ad actually reads, “Dane Cook is HARD at work”, not “Dane Cook is HARD”. There’s a difference. Also, the Jessica Simpson part reads exactly as displayed.

We never thought we’d say it, but poor Jessica Simpson. Paparazzi snapped a photo of her browing the magazine racks at her local supermarket, and lo and behold, there she is on the cover of Us Magazine with a huge “DUMPED” headline stamped by her face, like a mugshot of failure and heartache. And we still can’t decide what’s worse: Going to pick up some OJ and finding your deer-in-headlights expression on the cover of a checkout mag, or the realization that there is someone photographing you at the very moment you notice it.

In the scheme of “celebrities are actual people”, this picture kind of blows our minds. And for a brief moment, makes us pity her. No wonder she went ahead and bought 5 dozen roses for herself.

Harry & Lindsay remind Jessica that it’s good to check for lumps at least once a month. Or whenever you’re feeling lonely.

Your turn. Leave your Captions in the Comments now!

When Jessica Simpson lost her voice last week, it threw a wrench in her plans to promote her new album A Public Affair. She had to cancel a few performances, which her record label (and father) couldn’t have been happy about.

Today, Jessica was scheduled to usher in the Rosie O’Donnell era of The View by performing on the daytime talk show. Jessica nailed the interview and sounded incredible during her performance; everything was going great. That is, until Rosie came over to talk to Jess following the song… when we learned her mic wasn’t on.

Rosie, welcome to The View. Jessica… welcome to hell.

• TONGUE: Rosario Dawson’s. I think it may be larger than the pair of underwear she’s about to lick. (Celebutaint)
• EXCITING HEADLINE: Optimus Prime Finally Revealed. Who doesn’t get pumped up reading that? (Popoholic)
• TIMEWASTER: This will a) keep you busy for a while and b) make you think you’re artistically inclined. Don’t let it fool you. (JacksonPollock.org)
• IRONIC ‘YOU’RE FIRED’: Carolyn, Donald Trump’s assistant who helps him decide who to fire on The Apprentice got the ax. That must’ve been awkward. (A Socialite’s Life)
• PHOTOSHOP ENTRY: We had a ton of great ones, but this one (right) takes the poofy-coated cake. Congrats Tricia!

Jessica (thankfully) still doesn’t have a voice, which means this photoshop contest (thankfully) still isn’t over. Call it a win-win.

Since we’ve gotten so many great submissions, we’re going to give away a prize to our favorite one at the end of the day. So email your photoshops now to contests@bwe.tv; the winner gets an original F*ck Stereogum T-shirt.

So click below to get the picture to work with and check out some of the best ones we’ve gotten so far. Good luck!

Read the rest of this entry »