This video is a soon to be classic. Its been months since we’ve been able to be all “You guys, Paula Abdul is on something, for real.” Realizing this, and seeing as American Idol is kicking off its new season next week (in a 4 hour premiere, good God), she’s bringing drunker back and better than ever. Just… watch this.

Tight-black-shirted American Idol judge Simon Cowell added insult to injury when he went on record claiming that Bob Dylan’s music is “boring”, then explained how a non-commercial failure like Dylan would destroy all the artistic and popular credibility of his culturally-vital show:

“Do I prefer Kelly Clarkson’s music to Bob Dylan’s? Yes. I’ve never bought a Dylan record. A singing poet? It just bores me to tears,”

“I’ve got to tell you, if I had 10 Dylans in the final of ‘American Idol,’ we would not be getting 30 million viewers a week. I don’t believe the Bob Dylans of this world would make ‘American Idol’ a better show.”

According to Cowell, the world would aslo be better off if every restaurant were an Applebees, all clothing came from Wal-Mart, movies were only directed by Michael Bay, everyone drove a Chevy SUV, President Bush was crowned Eternal Intergalactic Leader, and the planet was inhabited only by “totally macho” metrosexual meathead dudes with catty British accents and a penchant for Kenneth Cole’s leprechaun shoes.

What do you do when you’re the morbidly obese fake winner of a reality show, and you’re sick and tired of being upstaged in your seemingly inexistant music videos by the skinny struggling dancers grinding all up in your grill? Why, you start a modeling agency for fat people naturally. This is exactly the tactic being used by the Ruben “Like the Sandwich” Studdard, who is probably sick and physically tired that fat people aren’t featured as back-up dancers in more music videos. We think he might be on to something… his vids would be much more believable if instead of some beautiful unknown actress pretending to sleep with him, it was instead the always lovely Kathy Bates. That being said, Ruben Studdard’s Modeling Agency is simply shrieking “reality show hit!”

Going further with this idea, we would absolutely love to see Clay Aiken start a modeling agency for really, really ladylike, creeptown closet-gay guys, with which to surround himself in his vids as an attempt to butch the bitch up a crotch.

Weird Al, who has been BWE-certified as Cool Again, is back with a new video over at JibJab, this time lampooning American Idol’s captain of the Soul Patrol, Taylor Hicks, who I also found to be more than a little bit creepy. Check it out!

This is one of the most difficult challenges Details has ever posed. Judging from a small portion of a person’s face, you have to guess whether you are looking at an American Idol contestant… or a porn star. Seems easy enough, right? Not really, when you consider that nearly every man and woman from the hit Fox reality show is painted and frosted to look almost exactly like a porn star. Even Elliot Yamin ya’ll… There is one obvious difference here. Most of the girls from American Idol would still be working had they gone into porn. And the good news: Neither Ruben Studdard nor Clay Aiken are featured… though we’d like to submit the picture at right for consideration.

Halloween is one of the most joyous times of the year for Pagans: It’s the one day slutty older women show their true colors, the one day plushophiles can fulfill their fetish outdoors, and a day when morbidly obese children can eat candy in the open rather than binge eat in hiding as per yoozh. In addition, the littlest ones can dress up as their favorite cartoon character, neighborhood hobo, ghost, or something else equally innocent…

OR SO WE THOUGHT. Apparently, dressing up like a slutty old lady has now infected even the tiniest of girls. Because now, young “ladies” can dress up like an American Idol contestant, replete with tacky tops, fishnet sleeves, flared pants and platform sandals marked with the American Idol insignia.* And the best news? Now your toddler can look like the littlest failure in the country! But don’t fret, fellas, Clay Aiken is available also. Our one real problem is that nobody seems to offer a Bo Bice costume… oh, no, wait… never mind.

*Mini-side-note: What is the world coming to?

Some genius transcribed each of the opening speeches given by the designers from this morning’s Project Runway Season 3 runway show at Olympus Fashion Week, and then set the entire collections to music (we think) from the American Idol Soundtrack. (We said genius.) It really helps understanding each collection, and makes you feel like you’re there, listening to one of the worst CD’s you own. We’ll kick it off with Laura’s, because it incorporates one of our favorite Kelly Clarkson covers, but you can catch the other three videos after the jump. (*Our fingers are crossed.)

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(As everyone is freaking out about utterly unsuprising developments in Paris Hilton’s ongoing struggle with existence, news stories as AMAZING as this one are in danger of falling through the cracks, which is why we have decided to present this to you in its entirety, un-edited with the exception of our bolding emphasis, and without further comment. Also, the headline above is the actual one used in the story.)

RALEIGH, N.C. - Clay Aiken is in line to be named to the President’s Committee for People with Intellectual Disabilities, the White House said Wednesday.

Aiken, a Raleigh native who gained fame as a runner-up on “American Idol,” once worked as a YMCA counselor.

The committee’s Web site said it advises the president on issues pertaining to people with intellectual disabilities. The committee was established in 1961 by President John Kennedy as the President’s Panel on Mental Retardation.

A White House press release said President Bush intends to make the appointment. Officials did not say when. The singer’s new album, “A Thousand Different Ways,” is due out later this month.

Making a joke here would only be redundant.

Robbers looking to make a quick buck in Las Vegas instead found themselves with a hyperventilating diva on their hands. It won’t be hard for fans of American Idol to remember Mikalah Gordon, the nasal 16-year-old who Simon Cowell desperately wanted to bang. Some hoodlums approached Gordon and a male friend in Las Vegas Tuesday night, ordering her to lie on her back, slamming her head into the ground, and groping the now 18-year-old singer. But Gordon’s instincts kicked in, and the girl started having a major panic attack — picture The Nanny climbing Mt. Everest — luckily scaring off her attackers.

But what concerns us most is this: They only got away with a cell phone and five bucks. FIVE DOLLARS. Is that how much money Mikalah carries around at 3:30 in the morning? Is the 19 Entertainment contract really that bad? Or was this some sort of Clueless-esque ruse to garner Gordon some extra time in the spotlight? (Las Vegas = Sun Valley; “male friend” = this dude.) While authorities are still on the lookout, we have four words for who is responsible: John Michael Karr, obvs.

• Who knew that Matt Lauer was packing all that twisted steel and sex appeal under his tasteful blazer and khakis? Who you callin’ glib now, b*tch?
• Hulk Hogan in a thong at the beach might just be the scariest thing I have ever seen. One glimpse at this and you’ll need to gaze at Matt Lauer’s toned physique for hours just to feel normal again.
• Legitimate rappers seem to be surprisingly apathetic towards K-Fed and his hip-hopping exploits. They must’ve missed his totally gangsta, earth-shattering performance at the Teen Choice Awards.
• Chris Daughtry’s surprising early dismissal from American Idol was voted as the best TV moment of the past season, which he’s totally stoked about, since being a reality show plot twist pays so much money. Sometimes there’s only one set of footprints in the sand.
• The members of Isis, the band opening up for Tool on their latest tour, say they’re “ready to be booed by meatheads”. Guess those guys in Tool can be pretty tough on the newbies.

American Idol auditions are right around the corny, and this season is (cue publicist’s dummy) sure to be the best one yet. For the first time ever, producers of the show are giving the American songwriting public a chance to pen the big closing number sung on the show’s final episode. Because we care, we’ve put together a Mad Libs style song entry, so each and every one of you can enter. Get out a pen and paper, write down a word for each number. Then, after the jump, plug it into your new hit song, and mail it off to the show. We’ll let you know which one of you wins in about 7 months time.

1. Object; 2. Location; 3. Body Part; 4. Verb; 5. Adjective; 6. Noun; 7. Verb; 8. Noun; 9. Verb; 10. Noun; 11. Name; 12. Exclamation; 13. Noun; 14. Exclamation; 15. Noun

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There’s been a lot of talk lately about how the fighting in the Middle East is going to lead to World War III, and up until today, we’ve been skeptical. That is, until, we read this headline: “Idol Stars To Provide Relief At White House Middle East Talks“. Then we realized… this is it. The Official End of the World. When Taylor Hicks is called into the White House to act all constipated while you kick back with your Capitol Hill brahs… well, we picture Terminator 2-style nuclear playgrounds in the near future. Hopefully, a Seacrest-1000 from the year 2056 will be sent back in time to prevent this little concert from taking place.

• America finally started caring about soccer when Zidane proved that soccer players don’t even use their hands for fighting.
• Former American Idol contest DJ Boyd went all R. Kelly on us, and not in a musical way.
• Jeff Goldblum is heading off to camp. It should be a fun summer!
• Finally, it looks like we’re going to get some hot, raunchy pictures of Lindsay Lohan. Sorry, I meant to say *more* hot, raunchy pictures of Lindsay Lohan.
• We learned the true identity of the banker on Deal Or No Deal. I always suspected it was Pat O’Brien.
• The Real World’s Paula showed us what happens when she stops being polite, starts acting real. She knocks motherf**kers out!

What else happened this week? Well, tune in to Best Week Ever tonight at 11 and all weekend long to find out. Come on, you know you want to.

It’s one thing for an aspiring hip hop artist to emulate R. Kelly’s career, but DJ Boyd seems to have taken that admiration just a bit too far. You probably don’t even remember who DJ Boyd is, and you shouldn’t, so here’s a quick refresher - after making it to the “Top 70″ on the 5th season of American Idol, Boyd was dismissed and joined the ranks of rejects deemed unworthy of competing against the likes of Clay Aiken. But back home in Utah, Boyd held onto his dreams of musical stardom - he signed to “Big Fedi” records, released an album you’ve probably never heard, and constantly reminded people that he was once on TV for a few moments. Nothing too impressive, unless of course you’re two teenage girls who he has just filled with booze, in which case you might have found him attractive enough to have sex with, even allowing him to videotape the encounter. But when that Smirnoff Ice buzz finally wore off and you woke up hungover with the realization that you’d just slept with some J-list reality show failure, you might have regretted your decision so much that you called the police and reported to what this 27 year-old sleazebag did to you and your friend (who happens to be 15, a year older than yourself), resulting in his arrest and a possible judgement much harsher than even the nastiest thing Simon Cowell could have said to him. As the local court justices he’s now facing probably won’t be nearly as drunk as Paula Abdul, this wannabe Idol could be in some serious trouble.

Remember when Taylor Hicks won on American Idol and David Hasselhoff got more than a little misty-eyed? Star Jones does. On today’s episode of The View, Hasselhoff answered Star’s question as to why he was brought to tears that night. The reason he gave no doubt made her wish she never asked. Nice one, Star.

Remember last month when Chris Daughtry, the American Idol cast-off, was asked to join the band Fuel? Everyone thought he’d heartily accept the offer to be the band’s frontman, but Daughtry said he’d have think about it. (Which is the rock equivalent of responding to an ‘I Love You’ with a ‘Thanks’).

Well, after a month of deliberating the pros and cons of joining a one hit wonder 90’s band, Daughtry has an answer for Fuel: hell no. “I’m going to be doing my own thing,â€? Chris explained sympathetically to Fuel via the press. He “expects to announce his next career move in a few months, probably after the ‘American Idol concert tour ends this summer,â€? and hopefully after the band’s broken heart has mended. Meanwhile, Fuel is back to looking for a new lead singer. If they’re searching for more unchartered TV talent, we recommend they check out America’s Most Talented Kids on PAX. Those kids are a little more in Fuel’s league.

Your American Idol Taylor Hicks dropped by the BWE studios this week to thank his beloved Soul Patrol for all their love and support. Judging by Taylor’s glossed over eyes and exhausted demeanor, it’s been a loooooooong week. Hey, nobody ever said being an Idol was easy.

If you’re a member of the Soul Patrol, this one’s for you. WOOO!

• QUESTION: “Let’s talk about Paula Abdul… did you get lucky with her?” -Minnesota Twins announcer Bert Blyleven to AI’s Ace Young. (Deadspin)
• HEADLINE: Son hits mom during ‘American Idol’ discussion. This kid really didn’t like Katharine McPhee. (The Press Republican)
• NSFW PICTURE GALLERY: The girls of CSI. Like I said, NSFW. (Phun.org)
• MISPRINT: NME named Oasis‘ Definitely Maybe the best album of all time. Weird, because I figured they would’ve gone with Standing On The Shoulders of Giants. (NME)

In the biggest shocker of the year, American Idol winner Taylor Hicks has landed a record deal!! Hicks has been contracted to record an album debuting later this year and will release his two singles “Do I Make You Proud?” and “Takin’ It to the Streets” on June 13, 2006. But here’s the really big surprise, after mulling over his options and researching the industry, he’s decided sign a deal with 19 Recordings Unlimited, the label managed by Idol creator Simon Fuller! What a coincidence, wasn’t he on that show created by Simon Fuller and didn’t he win the grand prize of a record contract with Simon Fuller? What a funny and strange twist of events.

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have asked American Idol runner-up Katharine McPhee to sing at their wedding. According to sources, “Actress Holmes reportedly met McPhee at Los Angeles’ Church of Scientology, where the singer allegedly attended courses with her boyfriend, and has since become a huge fan.” McPhee is expected to sing her now famous cover of Somewhere Over the Rainbow from the Wizard of Oz. I guess Tom’s just really big fan of Dorothy.

• Dave Grohl tells press I’m not dead. Passive agressive way of saying pay attention to me.
• Check out pictures of Taylor Hicks in high school pre-dad hair circa 1994 1964.
• Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton in a pub fight…with buxom vampire cartoons.
• Beyonce loses 20 pounds for a film role. Still bootylicious but half the calories.
• David Spade and Heather Locklear back together. But only until Richie and Denise breakup.
• 7th Heaven star makes out with his brother’s girlfriend, Stacy Keibler. Rev. Camden, want to take this one?

There are certain readers of this blog, let’s call them “Claymaniacs” for lack of a better term, who get very angry with us whenever we even implicity call into question the sexual preferences of their beloved almost-Idol, Clay Aiken. They leave comment after comment, incredulous as to how we could possibly get these wacky ideas that Clay is anything but the paradigm of woman-loving masculinity. Well, to those people, we submit this video, possibly the gayest thing I’ve ever seen outside of cutoff denim shorts and military boots. I mean, Ryan Seacrest is the straightest thing happening on that stage, if that tells you anything. Enjoy this performance of a song made famous by Elton John, George Michael and Freddie Mercury - as sung by Clay Aiken and his loving male counterpart: