Hey Rachel Zoe! We know you must be feeling pretty down lately. Nicole Richie dumps you. She then basically accuses you of having an eating disorder and/or asparagus pee. Oh, and she calls you a raisin face. Mischa Barton hardly even texts anymore. You’re embarassed, you’re stressed, you’re certainly not eating… you need a rebound celeb. A young starlet so desperately in need of fashion advice, that you alone will be given sole credit for her complete transformation. Someone you can revamp, makeover, re-style and re-fabulize. Well, Rachel Zoe, sit down and let us introduce you to your next lump of clay…

Ms. Dakota Fanning! Dakota Fanning will be 13 years old in a couple of months, and yet, she insists on leaving her house looking like Little Bo Peep meets Lampshade McGinty. She needs a guru, Rachel, a “big sister”, who can hold her hand through the likes of Barneys New York and swaddle her petite but shamefully growing frame in all the season’s hottest 50-yard wraps. Need more proof?

Let’s see how lil’ Dakota would fare with Rachel’s help…

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Nicole Richie fired her stylist, who fired back claiming that she left voluntarily, which pissed off some publicists, and blah blah blah, Nicole wrote this on her MySpace blog:

BLIND ITEM: What 35 year old raisin face whispers her order of 3 peices of asparagus for dinner at Chateau everynight, and hides her deathly disorder by pointing the finger at me, and used her last paycheck I wrote her to pay for a publisist instead of a nutritionist?

HINT: Her nickname is lettucecup…

BLIND ITEM: What 26 year-old blogger doesn’t remotely give a sh*t about some spoiled trainwreck celebutard’s idiotic feud with her drug-addled ex-”stylist”, and feels ashamed for humanity that such inane garbage could possibly be considered “news”?

HINT: He regretfully wrote this post.