OhNoTheyDidn’t . Yes. They did.

If you’ve ever wanted to read the MySpace comments of your favorite celebs (your favorite celebs who aren’t too old to actually have MySpace pages, that is), today’s your lucky day. A new MySpace hack allows you to view Comments left on private MySpace pages. So whether you want to learn more about Ashlee & Jessica’s relationship (they miss each other) or you just want to stalk your ex-girlfriend with the private page, odds are you’re not going to get a lot of work done today.

Have fun. Some might be fake, but here are a few to start you off:

Paris Hilton / Nicole Richie / Lindsay Lohan / Mischa Barton / Ashlee Simpson / Hilary Duff / Mary Kate Olsen / Nicky Hilton

• Jessica Simpson’s dad, Joe, wants to “beat the crap” out of Bam Magera for bragging that he slept with Jessica.. Because nobody is allowed to talk about having sex with his daughters but him, dammit!
• Charlie Sheen is set to become TV’s highest-paid sitcom star for his role on Two And A Half Men. Friends, family, and local L.A. whores are incredibly excited about the news.
• Analysts estimate that MySpace could be worth $15 billion within three years. Suddenly Tom just got a little more attractive, didn’t he ladies?
• Rod Stewart has vowed to get a vascectomy after he fathers one more child. No joke here; just included it because we wanted you to think of a 107-year-old Rod Stewart having sex. You’re welcome.
• Pete Doherty, who has vowed to stay clean for girlfriend Kate Moss, was spotted shopping for syringes just 15 hours after leaving rehab. When confronted he responded, “I meant to say I’ll keep my syringes clean for Kate. It’s a start.”

Once again, Sacha Baron Cohen has proven that he’s funnier than just about everybody else on the planet. Check out Borat’s MySpace page to learn all about your favorite Kazakh reporter. What will you learn? Well, you’ll learn all about his goals (“It my ambition one day to eat a delicious hamborger!”), his family (“I have 3 sons [Bilak [12], Biram [12], Hooeylewis [13]] and I have 17 grandchildrens. Hooeylewis is my most favourite son, Bilak is my least favourite son”), who he’d like to meet (“like meet nice men, as friend - no sexytime”) and so much more.

You should add him as a friend right now. Assuming you’re not Jewish, I bet he’ll accept! Jagshemash!

I didn’t think there was anything more annoying about Ellen DeGeneres than that stupid little “smiley dance” thing she does at the beginning of her show until today, when shortly after doing said dance, Ellen launched into a painful soliloquy about her utter befuddlement over the concept of “blogs”, and people “sharing their personal thoughts online”. To learn more, she turns to audience member “Kayleeeee”, who explains how she uses this “blog thingy on the MySpace” to write about her trip to Disneyland. Ellen’s startling incompetence and awkward rambling somehow makes Tony Danza’s daytime talkshow musings look like Shakespearean monologues. Sh*t, Rosie O’Donnell is already a blogging legend.

ALSO: We’re not unaware of the brain-bending “meta-ness” of this post, so save it.

A celebrity with a MySpace account is nothing new. Everybody from Jenna Jameson to Jon Lovitz has one. So when MetaDish pointed out that Ashton Kutcher has a page, we didn’t think anything of it. Until we delved deeper.

A self-described “28 [year-old] with a step daughter in college”, it’s obvious that Ashton is trying to be just like the rest of us. He includes a picture of his favorite football player (Walter Payton), as well as pics of him with his bud, his dog, and his famous movie star wife. The Kutch is one of us! See for yourself. While you’re there, here are a few other things to look for:

• Ashton calls Kevin Costner “a stud”.
• Not even Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore are able to get good seats at a football game.
• He won’t refer to his page as “my space” because MySpace totally sold out.
• Ashton LOL’s like the rest of us!
• And suprisingly he only has a few hundred friends. Though he’d probably have more if not for The Butterfly Effect.

If morbid things weird you out, prepare to get weirded. MyDeathSpace is a new website offering a place to peruse the MySpace profiles of people who have passed away. At first, we thought it was a joke, and gave the creators credit for the attention grabbing idea. But further perusal has us wondering… is MyDeathSpace real? In a way, it can be a nice (if not sick) way to honor the lives of those passed. Then again, we find the Hot Topic-style buttons they’re selling to be taking an interesting idea into a pretty sick joke. Now, if you’ll excuse us, we need to update our profile — we’d hate to pass on and leave the world thinking Mrs. Doubtfire is our fave film evs. The stakes have been raised! (Link via Popgadget)

Sure, you could pay thousands of dollars for one of those highfalutin “publicist” people with their big words and horn-rimmed glasses, but why bother wasting that kind of time and money when MySpace provides you with the perfect forum through which you can publicly announce the demise of your marriage in your own misspelled, gramatically incorrect words? In the past couple of days, the world has been shaken to its core with the news that the holy matrimonies of both Jenna Jameson and Shanna Barker have turned out to be shams, leaving us all wondering just what is left of “family values” in America when a porn star and a gold-digging groupie whose first names both rhyme with “banana” can’t even manage to maintain healthy marriages? Luckily, the answers to these tough questions can be found on their respective MySpace blogs, which Jenna and Shanna have both utilized to incoherently communicate to fans about their true feelings during this tough time.

Our friends over at iFilm pointed us to this AWESOME music video. Who cares if He was one of us, what we really want to know is, “What if God had a MySpace“?

Some unknown indie-rocker who goes by the name Bob Dylan is the latest musician to use MySpace as a DIY way to get the word out about their music. He doesn’t have nearly as many friends as legitimate talents like Tila Tequila and Dane Cook and his picture is pretty emo, but this Dylan guy’s little songs “Mr. Tambourine Man”, “Like A Rolling Stone”, “Lay Lady Lay” and “Knockin’ On Heaven’s Door” are available for listening on his profile page so you can decide whether or not he’s worth an add. Here’s what one commenter is already saying about him:

The folks over at Defamer discovered the MySpace page for the upcoming Oliver Stone move World Trade Center. Sure, some might consider this to be in poor taste, but honestly with all those horrible emo bands out there this isn’t even the most offensive thing I’ve seen on MySpace today.

Currently the WTC only has 133 friends, which is kind of shocking; I could’ve sworn that 9/11 was more popular than that. Right now the best comment on the page is courtesy of a lovely young woman named mmmBUTTER, who states “thys movie l0oks pimp. ima definitely see it!!” Expect to see that quote in Variety real soon.

So add WTC today! I always knew there was some sort of connection between Tom and September 11th.

If you’re on MySpace, chances are you get a lot friend requests from people you don’t actually know. Crappy bands, wannabe Maxim models and Dane Cook are always trying to sucker you into supporting their pitiful careers by adding your profile to their pointless collection of so-called “fans”. Well the latest desperate friend-seeker trying to cash in on this trend is none other than the US Marine Corp! Apparently frustrated with the waning success of traditional recruiting methods such as hanging around outside of high schools in poorer areas and showing those ridiculous TV commercials that make the military look like an episode of Alias, the Marines have taken their efforts online. If you approve them, maybe you’ll get verbally abusive comments from Full Metal Jacket-esque drill sergeants, fun bulletin surveys that look suspiciously like psychological examinations, and constant event invitations to this “awesome beach party” they’re throwing over in sunny Iraq. Hey, military recruiters - thanks for the add (and trip to Baghdad)!

GeoffreyG dropped a new Mario In MySpace cartoon. This time, Mario and Luigi debate the pros and cons of expanding your Top 8. This is, without a doubt, the funniest MySpace parody involving characters from 1980’s Nintendo games EVER. Don’t believe me? See for yourself.

Got something of your own you want to share? Drop It now!

If there’s anything that says hip, edgy, finger-on-the-pulse of youth culture, it is, of course, Wal Mart. That’s why it comes as no surprise that the retail giant is launching The Hub, a totally rad new place for teens to “express their style” by “making their own page” and then “showing it to the world” and just maybe “winning some fab prizes”. I mean, who needs to hang out with those lame-o’s over at MySpace (ugh, SO last year!) when they could be partying with the popular kids and doing “school your way” right here at Wal Mart? And the best part is - no creepy pedophiles! Unless, of course, the door “greeters” manage to find their way online - but they’re poor and can’t afford computers, so that shouldn’t be a problem.

How many times have you watched attention-starved reality ’stars’ trading their dignity for fame on your favorite shows and thought to yourself, “Gee, I really wish I could get know these people a little bit better, perhaps through an Internet friendship.”? Well today is your lucky day, because the guest blogger over at Jane Magazine has done the legwork for you and provided this extensive list of MySpace profiles for cast members from a number of reality shows including Survivor, The Real World, and America’s Next Top Model. So if you’ve ever wanted to tell Pumkin from Flavor of Love just what an inspiring beacon of classiness you think she is, give her an add and leave comments until your heart is content! Before you know it, your top 8 could look like a cast from The Surreal Life. Desperate fame-whores need MySpace friends, too - so get out there and help them keep it real!

Forget solicitation and child pornography, the biggest problem with Myspace is that it’s cluttered with fake celebrity pages. How am I supposed to know what’s Nicole Richie’s real myspace page with all those cheap imitations out there? I mean I know this and this aren’t real, but this one and this one may be. But how can I be sure? Well now there’s a way: Confirmed Celebs Only . This myspace page was created to help celebrities and their stalkers eliminate cheap imitations.

The page features pictures of celebs like Adrianne Curry, Stephen Coletti and various porn stars holding signs that bare their real myspace addresses. You can also check for real celebrity myspace pages added to their friends space. And if you have a celebrity myspace page that’s questionable, you can submit it to be checked for authenticity, here. I know there have been some great inventions in the past 100 years, but seriously this is up there with sliced bread and body shots.

For those of you respectable folk who don’t visit Kevin Federline’s MySpace page regularly, here’s an update. Britney’s trophy husband, drunk with power, set off sparks on his site by demanding approval of all comments posted. Whereas once you could leave any comment you wanted, now he’s policing posts to make sure everything is K-friendly. While his fans are outraged by their lack of freedom of speech, Kevin is telling them it’s for their own good.
Here’s what he posted Monday on his Myspace blog:

if you all didn’t use my comment section to dis each other i woulda kept them without approval…but all that shit was stupid. i don’t care if you don’t like me but respect each other.

We’ve run this statement through our trusty celebrity translator and discovered the true meaning of Kevin’s word. Here’s what we think he’s saying:

You hurt my feelings when you say mean things about me. I really, really want to be loved by everyone but in particular porn stars and rappers. From now on, if you want to post a comment on my MySpace page you can write A)”You’re an amazing lyricist” or B)”thanks for the add, sexy”.” C) “You Suck Balls” is no longer an option.

I’ll admit it. Since the advent of sites like Google, Technorati, Friendster, MySpace and Facebook, I have spent many wonderful hours utilizing the Internet to stalk ex-girlfriends, current girlfriends, people I want to be my girlfriend, people I went to school with and pretty much every other human being I’ve ever come into contact with.

But the old way of cyberstalking was just so demanding. I had to visit each of these search portals individually to see whether or not the girl who works down the hall has an online presence. It was almost more difficult than stalking people in real life. But not anymore! Thanks to the amazing Stalkerati, I can now search for people on all the aforementioned websites from a single handy website. My days of searching across the entire web for that girl who used to be my lab partner in 7th grade are long gone!

It’s nice to know that Mario and Luigi have the same MySpace dilemmas as the rest of us. In the next installment, I hope they tackle the issue of when exactly you’re obligated to update your status to “in a relationship.”

Thanks to GeoffreyG for Dropping this. Now go ahead and Submit something of your own!

(Related: BWE’s own “thanks for the add” t-shirt in glorious blue.)

• TomKat attend another little league baseball game. They love their sports.
• Paris Hilton suffers nipslip while shooting her video. We’re sure she’s mortified.
• Madonna thinks cross stunt would make Jesus proud. Makes fans yawn.
• Cate Blanchett to play Bob Dylan in biopic. She also has a man in her.
• Mormon mom Marie Osmond discovers daughters’ sexually explicit myspace pages. Hilarity ensues.
• After years together Jack White finally picks up leaves Detroit for good. Men.
• Gisele Bundchen doesn’t want to be photographed with younger models. Unless they’re plus size.

Last Month, K-fed got in hot water for stealing riffs from Thomas Dolby’s She Blinded Me With Science on his track America’s Most Hated for his upcoming album. At the time he was forced to remove the track from his MySpace page, a site that featured a cornucopia of Federline tracks and playa pictures.

Well, we’re sorry to say that K-fed’s home base at Myspace has been deleted. The cached version of the page shows his last log in was April 28th. We really hope this doesn’t signal problems with the release of his upcoming album, Playing with Fire. But where his MySpace music player once listed three blazin’ Federline singles, it now says simply “That Artist Does Not Exist.” Five more chilling words have never been spoken (except “Will You Marry Me, Britney”).

UPDATE: After a brief blip in the universe Kevin’s MySpace Page is back up and better than ever. Not only is legally embroiled song America’s Most Hated back on the player, but the pictures of Kevin sipping bubbly have been replaced with photos of a more sober “artist” sipping cola. Welcome back K-fed. Don’t ever scare us like that again!!!

• Tom Cruise, yelling to Kanye West on TRL today: “Hey Kanye! See you in Harlem, brother!”. Nothing glib about racially stereotyping your “boy”, folks.
• In other Cruise News, TomKat have finally signed the prenuptial agreement their lawyers have been battling over for so long. She agrees to pretend she loves him, he agrees to pretend he’s got a grip on reality, and they both agree to pretend he’s not gay.
• Donald and Ivana are quibbling over who has the rights to the “Trump” brand, and all the vapid, idiotic materialism it represents.
• Flea is crying about “all the downloading” of the latest Red Hot Chili Peppers album. Luckily he has all those $100 bills to dry his tear-stained eyes with. Meanwhile, Neil Young totally sells out and offers his music online for free.
• K-Fed is seeking a threesome with Jessica Alba. In a related story, I am also seeking a threesome with Jessica Alba.
• MySpace-enhanced cell phones: now high school kids can further remove themselves from actual human interaction - on the go!

This one comes to us from reader uncletupelo1. If you’ve ever wondered what it would sound like if Old Blue Eyes had covered The Pixies classic “Monkey’s Gone”, if The Bee Gees had taken a stab at “Wave of Mutilation”, or best of all, if Prince had given the royal treatment to “Hey”, check out this dude’s MySpace page.

Who says MySpace isn’t punk rock?