• SIMPLE EXPLANATION: We knew there was something… different about Jude Law lately, but we just assumed it was his $2 combover. (YTMND)
• HIS RAPPER NAME IS 2-SOON: Andy Dick sees if the “N”-word is funny again, finds out it isn’t. (Defamer)
• ON-AGAIN, OFF-AGAIN RELATIONSHIP LITERALLY NOBODY CARES ABOUT/CAN FOLLOW: Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn to remake The Break-Up privately and in real life. (Page Six)
• TONIGHT, AFTER WHILE JUDEN WERE OUT: We can’t wait to see Trading Barracks on TLC… Paige Davis looks completely at ease! (Yahoo News)
• PAYBACK: If I had to listen to my mother read to me over the phone the entire article about that woman whose farts nearly brought down an airplane, then you have to read it too. (WBIR.com)
• SWEET OR HILARIOUS?: President Bush breaks down and sobs while talking about Jeb. Fine, it’s the older one, but a must see. (CNN)

Brody Jenner– a man who’s famous solely because of his uncanny ability to date D-List actresses– has done it again. UsWeekly has confirmed that Mr. Jenner is currently hooking up with Laguna Beach’s Lauren Conrad (or LC, if you’re ‘in the know’). Now, hooking up with LC is hardly newsworthy… hell, you’ve seen Jason, clearly she doesn’t have high standards… however, what makes this great is the fact that Brody used to date LC’s Laguna co-star, Kristin Cavalleri. What a guy!

Now granted, Brody dated Nicole Richie in between Laguna babes, providing a small (note: really small) buffer, however going from Kristin to LC is quite an accomplishment. It puts Brody in that elite Adam Duritz dating both Courtney Cox & Jennifer Aniston category of celebrity. It’s not an easy feat to accomplish, so for that reason we congratulate Mr. Jenner. Now enjoy the drama.

• Hilary Duff has filed court documents claiming that she is in “mortal danger” at the hands of two stalkers. Aww don’t worry, Hills - I’m sure your boyfriend Mr. Brass Knucks Necklace Edgy Punk Rocker Tough Guy will protect you!
• Jennifer Aniston went on Oprah to deny reports that she has split from boyfriend Vince Vaughn, once again pulling the football away at the last possible second, sending us flying into the air and back to the ground like the naive fools we are.
• Tara Reid’s latest movie is being released direct-to-download on the Internet. But in her defense, we’ve heard great things about Screeched, and we really can’t wait to see what she’s done with the role of Defiled Poop Moustachioed Bukkake Whore #2.
• The brave police officer who got a drunken Mad Mel off the streets of Melibu is now under investigation for leaking the official arrest report. But I don’t think it was so much “a leak” as it was an attempt to get the truth out on why all the world’s wars keep happening.
• RIP Hyde Nightclub (2006-2006). Cause of death: Kato Kaelin being granted entrance. That guy is the Orange Juice Simpson of trendy LA nightclubs.

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According to the latest issue of Us Weekly, Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston have broken up again, which is approximately the 57,821st time the unhappy couple has decided to part ways (not including their onscreen split while co-starring in The Break Up together) in the course of their year-and-some-change long relationship. Here’s what the venerable tabloid rag had to say about it:

After weeks of distance both emotional and real, the relationship ax fell the week of September 9 for Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston. A source close to Vaughn tells Us that the split happened just before the actor left for London to begin work on his holiday comedy, Joe Clause. “It’s not common knowledge, but we’re not together anymore,” Vaughn told the insider September 13, adding that they solidified the breakup in a long phone conversation. “We’ve split up.” Confirms an Aniston pal: “They’re 100 percent done.”

From the mouth of babes, folks. They’re over until they get back together again.

Another day, another likely false break-up rumor started by second-tier gossip rag. Today’s Mad Libs style celebrity loneliness news is thanks to the magazine preferred by monocled gents of the highest regiment, Life & Style, which reports that Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn are no longer an item. Says one highly-suspect “pal”, “They’ve tried taking breaks before, so this time she went one step further — and ended it!” Funny how this “pal” sounds “exactly” like every other fake “news source” in tabloid “history!” says one insider.

Strangely enough, we would be willing to believe that these two have broken up (prove us wrong L&S), but just when you start to believe the hype, the tabs go one step too far. In this case, that Jennifer Aniston actually has her sights set on Matthew McConaughey. Another “friend” rats her out: “Jen has a mad crush on Matthew.” Hold on — let’s forget about Janiston’s love life for a second — girl, it sounds like you need better friends. “Mad crush”? Whose Myspace blog did they steal that from? Mine? Oh, right. Text me!

Read the entire Press Release after the jump.

Read the rest of this entry »

• Britney Spears and K-Fed are rumored to have named their new baby Sutton Pierce Federline. They’re really holding on tight to those SPF initials, aren’t they?
• Jay-Z is coming out of retirement to release a new CD. The CD will be titled “I’m Retiring Again… Now!”, and will be topical and timely until his inevitable return in 2009.
• Jennifer Aniston has topped People magazine’s annual Best Dressed list. However, just to knock her down a few pegs, they named Angelina Jolie “Best Undressed”.
• Paris Hilton is all set to hit up Oktoberfest in Germany. She’s looking forward to the opportunity to drink a lot and act stupid for a change… in Germany.
• Lifelong Yankees fan Jack Nicholson refused to wear a Red Sox cap in his new film. No joke here; we just included this to remind you that Jack Nicholson is the f**king man.

You know, many people say “art is dead” (mostly pretentious idiots), but those people have clearly not seen a bronze statue depicting Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston engaging in hot 3-way sex. That, my friends, is art that is very much alive. According to Digital Spy (via TV Squad), Brooklyn-based artist Daniel Edwards, who you might remember as the master behind the Britney Spears Birthing Sculpture (so I was wrong about that whole “end this trend” thing), and who is quickly becoming the Picasso of the paparazzi-whores, is applying his visual talents to something the world actually wants to see: 3 hot people boning. So simple it just might be genius. Just as long as the piece doesn’t depict Vince Vaughn sullenly beating off in the background.

• 50 Cent is looking to duet with Elton John. In a related story, 2 Live Crew is still sitting by the phone, waiting for Celine Dion to call back.
• While you may never actually lay eyes on Suri Cruise, one artist is finally giving America a sculpture of what it really wants to see: Suri’s Bronzed Baby Poop. We poop you not.
• Waaaaaay before Jennifer Aniston weddorced Brad Pitt, way before she was earning the GDP of Pakistan for each episode of Friends, way before her hairstyle was a point of national and international intrigue, Jennifer Aniston wore Mom Jeans.
• Posh Spice claims she is just the girl next door. Assuming you live in a Prostitute Cul-de-Sac.
• Today’s Award for Worst Pun Headline goes to The Sun, who reports that the lovely Ms. Paltrow has gone Gwyn-dow Shopping.

• SPORTS ENDORSEMENTS: While Madonna is busy designing cheap polyester track suits for entry-level pimps, Jennifer Aniston collaboes with Nike… and not in an ad for Tampax, thankfully.
• REMINDER OF LIFE’S CRUELTIES: The Academy Awards won their 34th Emmy yesterday (which, in our opinion, is like giving a Webby Award to the Nobel Prize website), making the Oscars only second to Frasier, who has the most Emmy wins at 37. And somewhere, a shriveled, miniature David Hyde Pierce sheds a tear for his livelihood.
• EERIE-TO-AMAZING RESEMBLANCE: At first, we were upset that Ashlee Simpson would dare alter her natural beauty with plastic surgery. But hell - the girl looks like Heidi Klum! Sign us up.
• BECAUSE CLEAVAGE HAS TO GO SOMEWHERE: Clothes Off Our Backs is already auctioning off Emmy dresses from last night. Don’t worry, gents, you can even buy Jeremy Piven’s sunglasses! (Hair plugs not included.)
• BLOGGER THANK YOU: We realize you’ve been inundated with Emmy coverage today. As a thank you, enjoy this video of a dog walking in boots. (with thanks to The Apiary)

Here is what we learned this week, kids:

• Gwyneth Paltrow tries to be a good friend by saying “Hey guys, I’m overweight!.” Obviously, we see right through her.
• Jared Leto has Gout, a disease we only knew about because of Adam Sandler’s song Lunchlady Land.
• Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn breakup, get engaged, and end their engagement, all while having no idea that any of this was actually happening.
• Steve Guttenberg reminds us that without him, our heartlight will remain permanently in Off mode.
• David Hasselhoff needs a mate… actually, he just needs a new nickname! Basselhoff is still winning, people… get your entries in!

Have a good weekend, all!

Remember many years ago, when Planet Hollywood was like a “hot destination” to grab a club sandwich and a diabetes cocktail? One of the highlights of the experience was the placemat, which featured yearbook photographs of your favorite celebs. You would see that certain heartthrobs were as poorly coiffed as you were at 16, and certain actresses you just knew were horrible people looked the part in their cheerleading skirts. It was a 1990’s version of “Stars, They’re Just Like Us”, and we felt better about ourselves.

Well, prepare to flashback to that fantastic feeling. People Magazine has a little featurette about stars before they were famous. Note how Nicole Kidman looks older at the age of 5 than she does now, and marvel at the expert face transplant given to Jennifer Aniston. Plus, there’s something about Brad Pitt makes us wanna “Jump Jump.”

No matter what Us Weekly tells them, Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston insist they are not in fact engaged to be married. We wish these stubborn lovebirds would just accept the decree the tabloid mag has made and show us the ring already, so that the paralyzing suspense will finally be over, allowing us to move on with our daily lives.

This morning, we were blessed with the news that Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn were a-finally engaged. Team Aniston rejoices. They just want to see Jen happy.

Then Star Magazine comes out. Announcing on its cover (in a harsh looking Arial Bold) that Angelina Jolie has moved out of the house with the kids! And that Brad Pitt is “freaking” out! This is like Team Aniston winning the World Series. This is huge.

Although considering that Star also “reveals” that Matthew McConaughey is Jen’s new boyfriend — and now knowing that isn’t true — well, don’t believe everything you read in $1.99 tabloids. Still, we hate to think about those three gorgeous Pitt children grow up without Brad. We’re dying to see what kind of Daddy issues Shiloh ends up with.

• Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston are officially engaged! Vaughniston for life!!! Or at least until he wants kids.
• Tom Cruise will release pictures of baby Suri shortly. They finally found a child actor to play the part.
• Newly single Dave Navarro is reportedly dating porn star Jenna Jameson. BWE congratulates Dave for rebounding with the one woman who could make Carmen Electra insecure.
• Lindsay Lohan has admitted that she lies to the press about her love life to make things interesting. But everything she says about not doing drugs is totally, totally true.
• Diddy has given Justin Timberlake permission to use his catchphrase, “sexy.” Whew. The last thing you want to do is use the word “sexy” without the expressed written consent of a man who calls himself Diddy.

• If Jennifer Aniston is seriously calling herself “The New Jen” (following her alleged break-up with Vince Vaughn), she has officially morphed into the oldest, saddest woman in Hollywood.
• Madonna plans on getting crucified in Rome. And that’s before the reviews! Befooore the reviews! Two, three…
• Bob Saget worries that his new movie Farce of the Penguins is so extremely drrrty that no theater will release it. As long as it contains your standard “Penguins Raping the Olsens” footage, we’ll see it.
• American Soldiers in Iraq are posting unedited video footage of the horrors of war, usually set to thrash metal music. I personally prefer my unedited video footage of war set to the smooth jazz stylings of flautist Nestor Torres.
• Penelope Cruz with a Z claims to have seen Suri Cruise with a Seriously She’s Not Real. Cruz confirms previous reports that the baby has two eyes, breathes air, and is small.
• Police seized 82 cats from a California home on Wednesday, after neighbors complained the couple was leaving The View on too loud.

Every day, magazines and blogs wax ho-etic about celebrity break-ups. Who’s together, who’s apart, who’s cheating, who’s so coked out of their brains they don’t even know what year it is. Here are today’s top 3 celebrity break-up rumors:

1. Jennifer Aniston Dumps Vince Vaughn. Likelihood? Nil. Aniston needs a big hunk-o-man to cry on, and Vaughn fits the bill perfectly. While the chemistry between these two is highly questionable, comedically and romantically, we’re convinced that another break-up in the public eye would drive normally nicotine-addled Aniston to murderously-sadistic levels of madness.

Read the rest of this entry »

We-he-hell. Look who’s crawlin’ back to the masses: Jennifer Aniston! We remember back to last year when the newly divorced Aniston refused to get together for a Friends reunion, citing that she wished to “distance” herself from her character, Rachel Green. For weeks, America fell to its knees, begging with a deafening insistence “Jen! Please! Come back to us! We need ya!” But she left us cold, dreaming of simpler days, days of easily-copied haircuts and wading through city fountains with our best buds.

But now, Aniston is whistling a different tune. All of a sudden, she thinks it would be “fun” to do a Friends reunion. Fun! She speculates that she might enjoy a Thanksgiving reunion. Hey, Jen, do you think we’d forget? Forget how callously you left us hanging? Why don’t you explain to the hole in my heart where you’ve been for the past two years, eh, Jennifer? How dare you toy with the hearts and souls of the American people like that? Didn’t you hear? There’s a war going on. Yeah - a war. This is no time to drop rumors that maybe you might be interested in a Friends Reunion special.

Oh God. What have we done? Jenny, baby, doll, we’re kidding! We need you. The world needs you! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be rocking myself back and forth in the corner of my bedroom crying with Matt LeBlanc.

• Justin Timberlake has a new track out on the Internets. It’s not bad, but I’m sure that right now Britney Spears is somewhere in Malibu, thanking her lucky stars that she ended up with the mastermind behind “PopoZao” instead of that talentless Timberlake hack.
• Russell Crowe apparently stopped punching people long enough to hop onto the Hollywood baby bandwagon (procreation - it’s so hot right now). I’ll never understand what exactly qualifies a celebrity baby for media obsession, but the dude won an Oscar and everything - the least you could do is pretend to care about seeing “exclusive” pictures of the kid.
• Lindsay Lohan freaked out on some paparazzi before sobering up long enough to realize that they’re really the only reason she’s still famous, at which point she was so overcome with guilt that she offered them beers. And once again, life comes full circle and balance in the universe is restored.
• Nicky Hilton has decided to get into the family business that isn’t prostitution. But no matter what happens, she always has that as a fall-back.
• Is Vinnifer ever going to get married? If they did, what would Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie and Regis Philbin think about it? Do you think their wedding vows would be funny? And most importantly, now that their movie has come and gone, is it finally okay to stop caring?

Aniston vs. Angelina– the battle never ends.

By sheer coincidence, Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie tied for 35th place on Forbes’ Celebrity 100 Power List. I mean, seriously, what are the odds? Luckily, one of my favorite must-visit-several-times-a-day sites, Blog NYC, put together an incredibly detailed, intricate checklist to see who’s actually winning the game of life.

You can’t argue that, people. It’s science.

• Charlize Theron wishes she had X-ray vision so she could see people naked. We feel the same about her.
• People Magazine buys Getty Images’ pictures of Shiloh Nouvel for $4.1 million. Luckily, they had a coupon for 10% off.
• At her premiere Jennifer Aniston clutches a mysterious, furry charm for good luck. Co-Star Vaughn clutches it for different reasons.
• Four American Idol finalists get record contracts, but only one can say he turned down Fuel.
• David Spade and Heather Locklear get some sun, but for pasty-white Spade not nearly enough.
• Nick Cannon is haunted by a possible sex tape. Coincidentally also called Wild n’ Out

1. So the experiment worked. Blend Vince Vaughn’s smart-alecky frat guy humor with Jennifer Aniston’s generic feminine appeal, add a heaping spoonful of manufactured tabloid gossip, and you have a great recipe for tricking enough people into the theater to put an otherwise forgettable romantic comedy on top of the box office chart - $38.1 million

2. Just because this movie made less than a quarter of what it did last weekend, doesn’t mean director Brett Ratner will be any less over-rated, or any less determined to continue making his masterpieces of mediocrity - $34.4 million

3. Over the top CGI movies about talking animals who sound conspicuously like movie stars are like ATM machines for movie studios - $20.6 million

4. I think the public has finally cracked the code and discovered the truth about how much this movie sucks - $19.3 million

5. After this weekend’s huge numbers, the movie is now only about 2 million dollars short of reaching it’s goal to gross as much as the studio spent promoting it. Helicopters and sports cars ain’t cheap, people - $4.7 million

It looks like divorcees Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt are finally making amends. Aniston reportedly reached out to Angelina Jolie and Pitt to congratulate them on the birth of their new bundle of joy messiah, Shiloh. According to Life and Style Weekly : “Jen got the news late on Saturday afternoon… After some debate with Vince, Jen decided to call Brad’s manager and give congratulations from them both.” Brad’s manager was reportedly touched, but refused to apologize for running off with Angelina.