It’s been all over the news that the U.S. embassy has asked the Bush twins to leave Argentina. Thanks to this video, we finally know the real reason why.

I’m no conspiracy theorist… but this makes perfect sense! Though I think I’m going to need to see the video. You know. As evidence.

Please take 12 seconds out of your day to watch President Bush speaking at a memorial ceremony for Dr. Martin Luther King, and then imagine what the world would be like if it would’ve been Dr. Meth who “had a dream.”

(Link via Video Dog)

Just because the President of Venezuela, Hugo Chavez, thinks that President Bush is the devil, it doesn’t mean that he’s all piss & vinegar. Everybody has a weakness. For Mr. Chavez, it’s a certain Columbian pop star whose breasts are small and humble so you don’t confuse them with mountains. From Yahoo News:

President Hugo Chavez welcomed Colombian pop singer Shakira to his country on Saturday and said he may go undercover to watch the hip-shaking superstar perform. “Shakira’s arrived. … Welcome, Shakira,” Chavez said during a televised speech. Chavez said that the other day he’d put on a wig and not even his bodyguards had been able to recognize him. “Maybe I’ll put on a wig and go see Shakira,” he quipped.

Putting on a wig to go see Shakira? Sounds like somebody is just begging to be Lanced.

• Britney Spears appeared upbeat in New York City just hours after filing for divorce. Ex-husband what’s-his-name also appeared somewhere feeling something, but already nobody cares.
• Lindsay Lohan was reportedly involved in another car accident caused by the paparazzi after leaving Hyde last night. She’s now been rear-ended outside of Hyde almost as often as she’s been rear-ended inside.
• John Kerry told an audience in Philadelphia that “attacking Patrick Murphy for his [military] service is a little bit like Jessica Simpson attacking Albert Einstein’s IQ.” He then took a pause, looked around the room, and added “Take my wife, please!”
• President Bush announced that he planned on staying up past his bedtime to watch election results last night. It was the first time he saw the sunset in 6 1/2 years.
• Simon Cowell was booed offstage while giving his best man speech at a friend’s wedding. Ahh… sweet, sweet revenge.

The producers of Jesus Camp should send New Life Church leader Ted Haggard one of the male hookers he loves so much for helping them out by ostensibly admitting that he pays for man-love at the precise time they release their documentary - in which the preacher is prominently featured - about the hypocrisy of the Evangelical Right. Haggard, who is a personal friend of President Bush and President of the National Association of Evangelicals (representing over 30 million voting Christians), has preached about the “evils” of gay sex on numerous occasions (including the clip below, taken from Jesus Camp), and now has admitted to purchasing crystal meth and “massages” (mostly in and around his genitals, we’re sure) from a male prostitute. Now that he’s resigned from his position as head pastor in shame, we find Ted Haggard most deserving of the holy honor of being baptized today’s Daily Douche.

UPDATE: Here’s video of the lord’s servant explaining that he was only leaving messages on male escorts’ answering machines to buy meth. Meth that he would later throw away instead of snorting it and having hot sex some rented boy.

It’s time to raise the terror alert to the hot pink “Celebrity Danger” level, because according to this report, our beloved Brangelina is in danger of being attacked by al-Qaeda! In what might be the terrorist organization’s most brazen move since September 11th, the threat to the well-being of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie is so significant that they’ve been put on “Y category security” (whatever that means) by the government of India, where Angelina is currently shooting the film A Mighty Heart. Once the crippling terror wears off, we’re left wondering how President Bush will retaliate to this obscene attack on everything this country holds dear. We need to be tough, none of this pus*y-ass “invading and demolishing a country that had nothing to do with it” stuff - it’s time to nuke India, people. We must take a firm stance and tell these heathen cowards once and for all - you can terrorize our people, but not our famous people!

This clip from a CNBC interview with President Bush is just priceless. Our Dear Leader says he uses “the Google” sometimes (ever try googling “miserable failure”, W?), and admits to being particularly impressed with the Google Maps satellite technology, which he uses to keep an eye on his ranch in Texas (and is also, presumably, his secret weapon for hunting down Osama and other terrorists), but says he “never uses e-mail” over concerns about what people could be sending him (guess it’s above and beyond the capabilities of the US government to get the President a secure address safe from all those Nigerian Attorneys trying to rid themselves of dubiously aquired fortunes - you know he’d fall for it). While it seems almost laughably absurd that our own president is terrified of a technology my 80 year-old grandmother mastered 5 years ago, at least we don’t have to wory about him “Pulling a Foley”.

An American-born alleged terrorist who was imprisoned in a United States Torture Dungeon Happy Fun Place for over three years is now claiming that American soldiers used drugs such as LSD and PCP as “interrogation tools” to frighten and confuse him during torture sessions. Now, we know that there are those of you bleeding-heart liberal types out there who would say that such methods are “Cruel and Unusual”, but we happen to be of the opinion that they’re “Awesome”. I mean, if I were indefinitely stuck in a nightmarish misery chamber without a right to attorney or fair trial, I think I’d like to do a little government-sanctioned candy-flipping myself, and turn that death camp into the biggest groovetastic rave party the world has seen since San Francisco in the late 90’s. Though I don’t know if tripping your face off while watching footage of mass Iraqi genocide intercut with George W. Bush giving speeches from an aircraft-carrier would be my idea of a “chillout room”.

There’s been a lot of talk about Barbara Streisand lately — and not just surrounding her oddly come-hither rack. During her record 47th Farewell Tour, Babs attempts some SNL-worthy humor by bringing out a George W. Bush impersonator and a whole lot of political angst. Yentl then had the moxy to tell one heckler to “Shut the f*** up.” Wonder what all the controversy is about? Take a look at some of the cutting edge comedy happening in your parents’ world. We’re still waiting to see Celine Dion riding a tandem bicycle with Condoleeza Rice while singing “Power of Love”.

It been a long time since the brilliance of Jon Stewart and The Daily Show has been some kind of secret, but certain nights they manage to outdo even themselves. This segment, in which Jon laments the double-speak applied to President Bush’s ever-changing job description, hits the ball way out of the park.

When somebody calls your son “the devil”, how do you respond? Well, if you’re former President George H.W. Bush, you go on Larry King Live and call him an “ass”. Oh snap! I’d be careful though, guys. Men have fought wars for less. Much… much less.

Being a person who happens to think that most of the current “Bush bashing (you over the brain with obviousness)” comedy is about as funny as the situation in Darfur (and less subtle), I was surprised to find myself chuckling at this simple-yet-effective “A Life In Pictures” promo for recently released Destined For Destiny: the Unauthorized Biography of George W. Bush. Say what you want about him, but the guy really does have friends in some pretty high places.

• Nick Carter announced that he lost his virginity to a future sex offender. No, not Paris Hilton, a different sex offender.
• Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban declared that only a “moron” would buy YouTube. He then offered them $150 million.
• Secret Service agents wouldn’t let Borat set foot in the White House to invite President Bush to a screening of his new movie. Not because they didn’t find him amusing, but because they were worried W wouldn’t get it.
• Pink has become the face of a campaign urging gay people to come out. Because there’s just something about a heterosexual musician who’s married to a professional motocross racer that screams “I’m Queer!”
• The lead singer of The Killers admitted that he hit a man with a car once, badly injuring him. He didn’t actually kill him, though, because that would’ve been soooooo cliche.

From the website: Because he wants to find out as much about you as possible and to get inside your most personal business, we figured we would offer you the opportunity to show him where the sun don’t shine.

You can buy the Bushplug here. And thanks to Fleshbot… for oh so many reasons. Leave your Captions in the Comments now.

There is just so much completely f’ed up stuff about this ABC News piece on a “Jesus Camp” where kids speak in tongues, pray to end abortion and worship a picture of George W. Bush, I can’t even bring myself to make a joke about it. Yet another reason why Civilization Is Doomed.

President Bush addressed the U.N. today to urge world leaders to do more to build Democracy in the Middle East. Poor guy. It seems that he can’t get through a speech anymore without somebody leaving their mic on.

Now that’s just a shame.

With the (glorious) nation of Kazakhstan all up in arms about Sacha Baron Cohen’s Borat character again, we were curious what on Earth they’d be so upset about. Then we watched this 25-minute long compilation of the Best of Borat from the British Ali G show. Now we get it.

Still, can you believe our President is taking the time out of his day to discuss this guy? Yeah, we can too.

• MAKING HER POINT: Paris Hilton proved stars really are blind (and not very picky) by making out with Travis Barker. (Egotastic)
• MURDERER: CNN’s Nancy Grace straight up killed a bitch. Well, okay, maybe not “straight up”… but kinda/sorta. (Breitbart)
• HITTING THE NAIL ON THE HEAD: Here’s a list of five comedians who have lost it. And yes, don’t worry, Eddie Murphy is included. (Cracked)
• SAVE THE DATE: If you’re a freshman in college, you need this list of the important dates to remember. Make sure you commit these to memory… especially November 10th. (Collegehumor)
• CELEBRITY TRANSLATOR: The Daily Show teaches us how Bush’s speeches would be so much more enjoyable if Little Richard was there. We couldn’t agree more. (YouTube)

(As everyone is freaking out about utterly unsuprising developments in Paris Hilton’s ongoing struggle with existence, news stories as AMAZING as this one are in danger of falling through the cracks, which is why we have decided to present this to you in its entirety, un-edited with the exception of our bolding emphasis, and without further comment. Also, the headline above is the actual one used in the story.)

RALEIGH, N.C. - Clay Aiken is in line to be named to the President’s Committee for People with Intellectual Disabilities, the White House said Wednesday.

Aiken, a Raleigh native who gained fame as a runner-up on “American Idol,” once worked as a YMCA counselor.

The committee’s Web site said it advises the president on issues pertaining to people with intellectual disabilities. The committee was established in 1961 by President John Kennedy as the President’s Panel on Mental Retardation.

A White House press release said President Bush intends to make the appointment. Officials did not say when. The singer’s new album, “A Thousand Different Ways,” is due out later this month.

Making a joke here would only be redundant.

Everybody’s giving CNN’s Kyra Phillips a hard time for leaving her mic on during Bush’s speech yesterday. But lest we forget, this has happened once before.

That was straight from the files of Police Squad, naturally. Naturally.

Nip slips and Conan and awkwardness, oh my! Last night’s Emmys delivered all the amusing insanity of which Hollywood is uniquely capable. One of the evening’s choicest moments came before the show even started, in the form of this utterly uncomfortable exchange between E!’s personality-less red carpet personality Billy Bush and Entourage star Jeremy Piven, who casually humiliates the grinning tabloid trash-talker with the same smug cynicsm he would be awarded for bringing to his character Ari Gold later in the evening.

Ask him about prison torture, the gas crisis, escalating violence in the Middle East or long division, and George W. Bush will mumble some mispronounced catchphrases and give you a blank stare that is part confusion, part resentment and a lot of sheer terror. But if you ask him what he thinks about Braveheart getting busted for boozin’ on the road, suddenly the guy is cracking one-liners like he’s Conan O’Brien. Of course he still manages to dodge the question of Mel’s guilt or innocence, but that’s just what he does - and something tells me he’s seen The Passion of the Christ more than once. Also, have you noticed how all Bush’s attempts at levity with the press end up being more awkward than having Mel Gibson over for Passover?