Remember when we told you how Jenna Elfman and her husband accosted director John Roecker for wearing a “Scientology is Gay” T-shirt?” We thought the most bizarre part of the story was that Jenna asked Roecker if he ever “raped a baby.” Well, apparently that phrase isn’t just something she picked up on the set of Dharma & Greg. The Scoop explains:
What on earth was Jenna Elfman referring to when she asked film director John Roecker, “Have you raped a baby?” The “Keeping the Faith” star reportedly asked the question of Roecker when she saw him wearing a T-shirt mocking her religion, Scientology. “It’s one of the questions Scientologists are asked by Scientology leaders when they’ve misbehaved,” a source familiar with the religion explains.
So there you have it; it’s just a normal Scientology phrase. Now whoever said that that religion was weird?
Tom Cruise has been actively recruiting Hollywood super-couple Brangelina ever since they had their baby. He’s offered Angelina humanitarian awards, and Brad paternal advice. He’s even lent the couple his private jet. But no matter what he does, beautiful, successful, emotionally-fulfilled Brangelina just won’t join Scientology.
Of course they won’t, they don’t need to. Tom’s heart’s in the right place, but he’s going about things in the wrong way. Every religious leader knows the best converts are people in crisis. Just ask Jesus, he’s already got his celebrity quota in the bag. Today drug-addled rehab-bound Pete Doherty told press he’s been talking to the big C, who told him to “pull himself together and repent his sins.” Now that’s the what we’re talking about, Tom, tough love on down-and-out celebrities. That’s the only way to play this crazy religion game. It also couldn’t hurt to drop the whole the alien thing. It’s kind of creeping people out.
In a bold move that would likely have sent Tom Cruise into an apoleptic seizure of furious furniture-bouncing, LA “punk” film director John Roecker wore a T-shirt with Cruise’s face - along with that of fellow Scientologist John Travolta - that read, “Scientology Is Gay, Very Gay”. This ballsy fashion statement did not go unnoticed by the minions of the church, as he was soon accosted by Jenna Elfman and her husband, also Scientologists, who angrily scolded the director and inexplicably demanded to know whether or not he had ever “raped a baby”. I’m not really sure what that particular query had to do with the situation, but the good news is that Roecker escaped the confrontation without harm to anything other than his chances of directing M:I4. And after a few sessions of intense auditing and Thetan-cleansing, the Elfmans were able to safely continue on with their day. So all is well that ends well.
Not sure where you can get the T-shirt.
According to always-reliable Enquirer, Tom Cruise has embarked on a new mission– the pint-sized actor wants to convert Angelina Jolie to Scientology.
The action star personally called Angelina and Brad Pitt in Africa to congratulate them on the birth of Baby Shiloh — and he even invited them to his Beverly Hills home when they return to the U.S., pals say. But before the conversation ended, Tom tossed out the idea of Angie and Brad coming to check out the Church of Scientology.
This is not good. Don’t you see what he’s trying to do?? If he can get the newly born messiah to convert to Scientology, we’ll have no choice but to follow. We’re talking about the all-knowing Shiloh here; what that baby says goes (once she can talk, that is.) Let’s hope Tom doesn’t get his hands on her. We NEED Brangelina to protect that baby… our future depends on it.
After a year with Katie Holmes, Tom Cruise is back to his famous womanizing ways. The irrepressible bachelor is now going after new mom Angelina Jolie! Reports are in that Cruise called to congratulate the Tomb Raider star on her new baby with whatshisname and then offered an open invitation to the Scientology center when she returns to LA. He even promised to give her a Scientology award for her human rights work, if she’d just stop by the center. While critics say he’s trying to snag Angelina for his cult-like religion, we know Tom better than that. He just wants to get close to the buxom actress and implant a sub-particle micro-chip in her brain so she’ll do and say exactly what he commands. Oh Tom! You dawg, you.
Tom Cruise is currently training Suri to be a superbaby. According to reports, “Tom Cruise has purchased all of the Baby Einstein DVDs and books to begin baby Suri’s “enhanced learning” program.” He also purchased so-called ‘genius toys’ and flashcards, and tossed aside the two month-old’s regular infant toys. While Katie Holmes is reportedly upset about Tom’s rigid schooling, we think he just wants to give his daughter every opportunity out there. You know the Scientology Center doesn’t accept just anyone.
Yes, Mission Impossible 3 only finished up the weekend with“disappointing” $48 million. But who cares? I want you to forget about the casual movie goer and forget about “normal people.” M:I3 was a big hit amongst the one group of people that matters the most- Scientologists.
Or was it…
People in Holllywood have noticed an “unusual pattern of ticket sales” at the Arclight Theater… a movie theater conveniently located right next to the Church of Scientology Celebrity Center.
…an ArcLight employee did confirm to me just now that “people have been buying dozens of tickets at a time” for MI3, which is definitely an extraordinary sales pattern for the movie theater (or any theater, for that matter).
Hmmm, interesting. I’m not sure if I buy the conspiracy theory, though. What would you expect Scientologists to buy dozens of tickets for? RV? Come on now.
So far, Katie Holmes pregnancy has been increasingly surreal, packed with over-enthusiastic smiles, questionable stomach bumps, personal sonograms and promises of a an absolutely silent birth. But according to Tom’s directorial vision, this birth still isn’t David Lynch-y enough.
So with his obscure eye for social commentary, Cruise has decided to stuff the pre-natal Holmes not only with loads of spicy Indian food but also with an adult sized pacifier (and we don’t mean Vin Diesel). Just imagine the haunting image of Katie in a noise-reduction chamber, chewing on a curry-flavored pacifier, surrounded by Scientologist handmaidens. Now if he could just get some embryos to fall from the ceiling (a la Eraserhead) the birth of little Cruise Jr, could be canonized in college level film classes everywhere.
This week it seems that with the help of the best deprogrammer money can buy, the Patriarch of the Holmes family just might get his daughter back. In this upcoming litigious edition of Life and Style , the tabloid reports that a) Tom and Katie’s made it seem like they were buying a house in Ohio for the benefit of the paparazzi b)Katie hates Tom’s obsession with his own image c)Katie’s dad hopes the two are over for good and he plans to make sure she gets custody of the kid and the cash.
While we’re happy that Katie will be returning home soon, we think think this kind of behavior merits a grounding for at least two weeks.
