Blogfest 2005 - May 23, 2006 - Printable Version
- MySpace is the Devil (Redux)
by Mark Faulk (Editor's note: In our usual "lightyears ahead of the Corporate Media" style, we posted this article way back in December of 2005, before it was fashionable to bash MySpace. It was written as satire just a few days after we set up a MySpace account as a way to reach a few more suckers....I mean "readers".....for The Faulking Truth, but it seems that much of the perversion we discussed back then has been the topic of numerous articles and newscasts the past few weeks. Now? I can actually see the upside of MySpace, both as a networking tool, and as a way to meet new people and reconnect with old friends as well. As this little commentary illustrates, however, it's the fact that there is no division between those who are there to merely connect on a casual basis and those who wear adult diapers (or worse) as a means of deviant sexual gratification that's the problem. Even in video stores, they don't put "Debbie Does Dallas" next to "Barney: Camp Wanna Runna Round." Duh. So here it is, back by semi-popular demand, "MySpace is the Devil.")
MySpace is the Devil. It's true. I used to think that cocaine was the Devil, then I was convinced that it was television, and for awhile, I even had delusions that Satan lived in my refrigerator, hiding somewhere between the moldy cream cheese and the jalapeno jelly (exp. date 07/13/04).
I was wrong, and Bobby Boucher's mama was wrong too. MySpace is the Devil.
Let's examine this from a serious academic viewpoint (disregarding the fact that I just made a reference to Adam Sandler in "The Waterboy"). Satan is described in the Book of Revelations as a fallen angel who was "hurled to the earth" to "lead the whole world astray." Even in Islam, the primary characteristic of the Devil, besides hubris, is that he has no power other than the power to cast evil suggestions into the heart of men. And hubris? In Ancient Greek it refers to a reckless disregard for the personal space of other people coupled with lack of control over one's own impulses.
Now to put it all together: the Devil's job is to lead the world astray, using only his power to cast evil suggestions into the heart of men (we'll include women in that statement for obvious reasons), and Iblis (the Qur'an's version of Satan) displays a reckless disregard for the personal space of other people coupled with lack of control over one's own impulses.
He has no regard for your or my personal space. My (personal) space. My-space. MySpace.
Bingo!
The Devil is in your computer. I just set up this MySpace for our website six days, six hours, and six minutes ago...what the?!?!?!? Six-six-six.
666.....the Mark of the Beast. And....my name is Mark. This is totally freaking me out. Coincidence? I don't see how.
Don't believe me? Oh, there's more, my moribund fallen friends. Listen: No matter where you are in MySpace, you're only six degrees of separation from temptation, perversion, and ultimately, unequivocal eternal damnation. I should know.....I mean, I know a guy who knows a girl who knows.
Here's an example:
1) I signed on to MySpace and checked my messages.
2) There was a message from some totally random person asking me to fill out a survey to see if she was "bangable."
3) Of course, out of common courtesy, I had to click on her profile to see if she was, indeed, "bangable." (unrelated sidebar: she was)
4) On her "top 8" friends list, there was a girl who goes by the name "diapergirl" (not her real name, I'm guessing), wearing a...you guessed it...adult diaper. I repeat: an adult diaper. Against my better judgement, I clicked on that profile (Could it have been the "evil suggestions cast into my heart" by, oh, I don't know?.......SATAN!)
5) On her homepage, there was a list of the MySpace Groups she was a member of. Among the groups: "Adult Babies and Diaper Lovers" and "Diaper Girls Looking for Daddies."
6) Now too far into the Devil's lair to turn back, I was sucked in by Lucifer himself. It was like watching a car wreck, or a particularly disgusting episode of Fear Factor. It was disgusting, but I just had to venture at least a glimpse of Beelzebub frolicking in his own backyard, I had to see the Devil in diapers.
One glance of the freakish assortment of "adult babies" was all I could handle. Suddenly, every demented fantasy that I had ever entertained seemed as normal as.....as normal as adults wearing underwear. I turned off my computer, and took a long, hot shower in an attempt to wash away the sordid images that had sullied my mind.
Feeling only slightly less unchaste, I dried myself off and got dressed....in grownup clothes. Adult boxers, jeans, and a shirt that I buttoned all by myself, like a grownup. Then, I spent the rest of the day reading Better Homes and Gardens and watching the Food Network, taking extra care to avert my eyes from all baby product commercials and ads.
Now don't get me wrong here, I'm no prude, just ask anyone.....well, not ANYONE, but you know what I mean. There's very little that I won't try when the planets (and the respective body parts) are in proper alignment. I'm as sexually adventurous as the next person, unless of course the next person happens to be wearing size 34 Pampers.
*Shudder*
There's that unnecessary visual again....
Satan, thy name is MySpace, and thy minion is Diapergirl.
(Editor's Note: Visit the Devil's Playground, courtesy of The Faulking Trruth, at www.myspace.com/faulkingtruth . Don't say we didn't warn you.)
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Blogfest 2005 Archives:
Keep on Blogging in The Free World (Mark Faulk, Sep 21, 2004)
"It's the Issues, Stupid" (Mark Faulk, Sep 21, 2004)
The Trust Factor......mmmmmm, donuts (Mark Faulk, Sep 30, 2004)
The Vice-Presidential Debate Primer (Mark Faulk, Oct 5, 2004)
Is Bush a girly-man? (Mark Faulk, Oct 7, 2004)
Kids! Time to come in and get dressed for war (Mark Faulk, Nov 1, 2004)
"I Think We're all Bozos on this Bus" and "Dude, Where's My Bong?" (Mark Faulk, Nov 5, 2004)
"We're mad as hell and we're not going to take it anymore!" and "The Ministry of Truth Strikes Again" (Mark Faulk, Nov 9, 2004)
Vacation....Had to get away (Mark Faulk, Nov 11, 2004)
A 'Tribute' to Steve Martin (Mark Faulk, Nov 14, 2004)
How Long Can You Tread Water? (Mark Faulk, Nov 17, 2004)
"Give the People What They Want" (Mark Faulk, Nov 22, 2004)
Home on the Range..... (Mark Faulk, Nov 27, 2004)
Coping With Loss: How to Deal With the 2004 Election (Mark Faulk, Dec 7, 2004)
Peace Kills (Mark Faulk, Dec 21, 2004)
A Tale of Two Psychos (Mark Faulk, Dec 27, 2004)
Hurtling Headlong Through the Blogosphere (Mark Faulk, Jan 4, 2005)
The Faulking Truth Gone Wild (Mark Faulk, Jan 6, 2005)
Palestinians Elect Abba by Wide Margin (Mark Faulk, Jan 9, 2005)
"Look everybody, we've found WMDRPAs!" and "Supporting the Inauguration Day Boycott.....Sort of" (Mark Faulk, Jan 12, 2005)
Confessions of.....a Christian (Mark Faulk, Jan 18, 2005)
Seven Degrees of George W. Bush (Mark Faulk, Jan 20, 2005)
Dear IRS...... (Mark Faulk, Jan 25, 2005)
What Democracy Means to Me (Johnny Carson, Feb 5, 2005)
"I love you...no, really, I do...." and "Have a Crappy... I Mean... Happy Valentine's Day" (Mark Faulk and Kelsey Renee Faulk, Feb 14, 2005)
"THE END OF BLOCKBUSTER!" (Mark Faulk, Feb 19, 2005)
The Poor get Poorer..... (Mark Faulk, Mar 8, 2005)
Refinancing your home the 'hard' way..... (Mark Faulk, Mar 19, 2005)
A Fall From Grace - How Bush is Alienating Mainstream America (Mark Faulk, Mar 26, 2005)
I'm not schizophrenic....and neither am I (Mark Faulk, Mar 31, 2005)
Pope Dies of old Age (Mark Faulk, Apr 4, 2005)
America to Dateline: Tell the Truth Now! (Mark Faulk, Apr 7, 2005)
How I Spent my Weekend (Russell Tharp, Apr 18, 2005)
How Many Lesbians Does it Take to Screw in a Lightbulb? (Mark Faulk, Apr 27, 2005)
Four Dead in Ohio (Mark Faulk, May 4, 2005)
Some Mother's Son (Mark Faulk, May 8, 2005)
"lalalalalalalala.....I can't hear you!" (Mark Faulk, May 22, 2005)
The Man on the Crane (Mark Faulk, May 28, 2005)
NOW Do You Feel Secure on the Internet? (Mark Faulk, Jun 1, 2005)
Taking the Faulking Truth to the Airwaves (Mark Faulk, Jun 17, 2005)
Wall Street: Destroying the Evidence (Mark Faulk, Jun 21, 2005)
And now....Page two (Mark Faulk, Jul 1, 2005)
Help Wanted- President Seeks New Brain (Mark Faulk, Jul 11, 2005)
Bush Picks "French Fry Judge" for Supreme Court (Mark Faulk, Jul 19, 2005)
Praying for a Miracle (Mark Faulk, Jul 23, 2005)
Send in the Clowns (Mark Faulk, Jul 28, 2005)
"What's Wrong With This Picture?" or "Gas Prices Set Record High.....Win A Free Hummer!" (Mark Faulk, Aug 15, 2005)
Pat Robertson's Case for the Assassination of President Bush.....I mean, Hugo Chavez (Mark Faulk, Aug 23, 2005)
The Faulking Truth...in (Black) and (White) (Mark Faulk, Aug 25, 2005)
They're Trying to Wash Us Away.... (Mark Faulk, Aug 31, 2005)
"Not Acceptable" (Mark Faulk, Sep 2, 2005)
And I'm looking forward to sitting on the porch (Laughter.) (Mark Faulk, Sep 6, 2005)
Who Says FEMA Can't Relate to Blacks, Yo? (Mark Faulk, Sep 15, 2005)
Faulking Truth to Senator Shelby: PUT THE DAMN FIRE OUT! (Mark Faulk, Sep 21, 2005)
George Talks to God..... (Mark Faulk, Oct 8, 2005)
For the Greater Good..... (Mark Faulk, Oct 27, 2005)
Coalition....What Coalition? (Mark Faulk, Nov 21, 2005)
Confessions of a White Gentile (Mark Faulk, Dec 4, 2005)
The World Just Got A Little Less Funny (Mark Faulk, Dec 10, 2005)
MySpace is the Devil (Mark Faulk, Dec 18, 2005)
Desecrating Christmas (Mark Faulk, Dec 29, 2005)
Srecna Nova Godina....od tim Faulking Truth (Mark Faulk, Jan 1, 2006)
On Kurt Vonnegut..... (Mark Faulk, Jan 8, 2006)
Taking it to the Streets (Mark Faulk, Jan 14, 2006)
Desecrating History (Mike Bohling, Feb 4, 2006)
Congress Uses "C Word" (Mark Faulk, Mar 13, 2006)
Conspiracy....or Conspiracy Nuts? (Mark Faulk, Mar 18, 2006)
Roddy Boyd: Choosing up Sides (Mark Faulk, Mar 28, 2006)
Emotional Casualties of War (Mark Faulk, Apr 28, 2006)
It is a very mixed blessing to be brought back from the dead. (Mark Faulk, May 10, 2006)
MySpace is the Devil (Redux) (Mark Faulk, May 23, 2006)
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