Sometimes, life seems so damn hopeless...so terribly hurtful, I wonder why I go on. Most everyone, at one time or another, feels a little down over his or hers own particular life circumstances, but there are a few that battle against the crushing weight of depression every day of their lives. Some find the inner strength to go on, others rely on the latest drugs to alter their brain chemistry, yet there's always a few that eventually succumb to the pressures and take the "great escape".......suicide.
Unfortunately, I seldom go a week without the thought of "offing" myself, but I never take that little voice in the back of my head all too seriously. (After all, it sounds a whole lot like that other little voice that keeps telling me, I've just won a million dollars.) If it was only me, maybe I would take the plunge, but how could I ever put my family and loved ones in that position? No matter how tough it gets, I need to be around to support and protect them. For me, there is no choice but to be strong, shoulder the weight of these burdens, and tell that mouthy little demon bastard in the back of my head to fuck off. But then, most of you would probably ask, "Why would anybody even consider such a thing?"
Just this last week, local papers told the story about a 48 year old man who was discovered hanging from a tree, near the interstate, by truckers and other early morning motorists, including a school bus loaded with children. (The word is, the children didn't happen to notice.) This poor man had recently come to the area to visit his children who were living with his ex-wife in a nearby town.
Apparently, he first tried hanging himself with three belts that he had strung together but the belts gave way. His second attempt with his jumper cables was successful, making unnecessary his obvious third choice, a single edge razor blade which was found on top of his car by police officers.
Years ago, I personally knew a young woman who decided to "check out" early. I had seen her a month or two before and she somehow seemed a more humble person than the one I had known for over five years, but I still had no idea of her plight or her plan to end it. (I learned later that she had purchased a dress she wanted to be buried in and had the store hold it until "someone" picked it up.)
I always felt a little guilty about her. I think she was "reaching out" that day, and I didn't offer my hand. Of course, I never realized the extent of her situation (the conversation was nothing abnormal), and I don't know that I could have done anything positive.......but maybe, I could have tried. Just maybe.
Then, there was the story, told to me by the middle-aged mother of a girl who had embezzled funds from her employer's company. As I recall, it was some thousands of dollars but nothing that would rank among the corporate thieves we see every day in the media, and certainly not enough to kill yourself over.......but that's exactly what this young lady did. With a ten year prison term hanging over her head, she climbed into a warm bath, put a pistol to her head and pulled the trigger.
Her mother stood before me, her voice cracking and tears streaming down her cheeks, telling me how she, herself, cleaned the bathroom. I couldn't imagine the pain.
Even my own brother, confronted with the ravages of AIDs upon his body, decided to end it all quietly with a cocktail of pills, cheating the disease out of it's final, destructive chapter. I know he did this, not only for himself but to spare his loved ones from further anguish.
People will always ask the question of why...but for some, maybe it's a question of why not? For some of us, tomorrow is not always something to look forward to. It's just another day of defeat...another day of loss...another day of pain.
So, what keeps my finger off the trigger? What stops me from downing that magic cocktail of pills? What gets me through this weariness that beckons me to lasting sleep?
Maybe, it's those song birds, singing the glorious praises of a new dawn, each day, and watching those giant puffy white clouds roll by in that great big beautiful blue sky above. Maybe, it's because I can't bring myself to desert the people I love, knowing they not only love me but truly need me to stay. Maybe, it's just the faith that life is merely a test, a gauntlet to run through with peace and happiness waiting on the other side. I suppose much of it is simply holding onto the unrealistic hope that if things are so terribly bad, now, they can only get better.
Whatever the reasons one might have for hastening their own demise, I would only hope that they too, might find a reason to go on. Be it for your loved ones...be it for your God, don't be too quick to "go into the night". Things could just get better. As Scarlet O'Hara said, "After all...tomorrow's another day".
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Down The Middle Archives:
"Wanted: Dead Or Alive" and "Will Bush Give Us The Lottery Again?" (Down The Middle and To The Left, May 31, 2004)
Shock and Awe or Shuck and Jibe? (Down the Middle, Jun 17, 2004)
"Reefer Madness?" and "Let Freedom Ring!" (Down the Middle and To the Left, Jun 27, 2004)
It's John John (Down the Middle, Jul 21, 2004)
Wanted: An Alternative For Drug Offenders (To The Left, Aug 3, 2004)
WAR IS OVER ...If You Want It (Down The Middle, Aug 23, 2004)
Drug Store Cowboy (Down The Middle, Sep 6, 2004)
"George Bush's 'Other Woman' "and "Count Your Children" (Down The Middle and To The Left, Sep 15, 2004)
John Wayne Died at the Alamo (Down The Middle, Sep 26, 2004)
"The Last Time I had Bush" and "Bush Secrets - Did You Know?" (Down The Middle and To The Left, Oct 3, 2004)
Don't Want to Lose Ya in Fallujah (Down the Middle, Oct 15, 2004)
When Left is Right and Right is Wrong (Down the Middle, Oct 25, 2004)
The Day the Music Died (Down The Middle, Nov 3, 2004)
"Goin’ Up North...Fo’ Freedom" and "Religion or Spirituality?" (Down the Middle and To the Left, Nov 9, 2004)
Scott Peterson Attacks Fallujah (Down The Middle, Nov 14, 2004)
It Can't Happen Here (Down The Middle, Nov 17, 2004)
Natural Born Liberal (Down The Middle, Nov 27, 2004)
Mister, Can You Spare a Dime? (Down The Middle, Dec 2, 2004)
The Monster (Down The Middle, Dec 8, 2004)
And So This is Christmas (Down The Middle, Dec 18, 2004)
"Man of the Year" and "Tribute to a Cowboy - Happy Trails to You" (Down The Middle and To The Left, Dec 26, 2004)
"The Pursuit of Happiness" and "Woman" (Down The Middle, Jan 1, 2005)
"Live Fast, Die Young" and "Social Insecurity" (Down The Middle, Jan 8, 2005)
"George Bush’s Viet Nam" and "The Religious Wrong" (Down The Middle, Jan 15, 2005)
Next Stop, Iran! (Down The Middle, Jan 23, 2005)
"Letter to my Friend, S.K." and "It's the Bomb!" (Down The Middle, Jan 30, 2005)
Strange Days, Indeed! (Down The Middle, Feb 7, 2005)
The Dogs of War (Down the Middle, Feb 20, 2005)
Revolution #9 (Down The Middle, Mar 10, 2005)
With a Little Help From my Friends (Down The Middle, March 19, 2004)
Live and Let Die (Down The Middle, Mar 25, 2005)
Bush's Third Term (Down The Middle, Apr 3, 2005)
The Pope and I (Down The Middle, Apr 12, 2005)
You've Been had....Again! (Down The Middle, Apr 19, 2005)
Hey!!! They're Stealing My Wind! (Down the Middle, May 3, 2005)
Freedom! (Down The Middle, May 28, 2005)
The Big Chill (Down The Middle, Jun 4, 2005)
Support Our....Oops! (Down The Middle, Jun 21, 2005)
The Worm Has Turned (Down The Middle, Jun 25, 2005)
Bushwhacked! (Down The Middle, Jul 3, 2005)
The Coming Wars (Down The Middle, Jul 14, 2005)
Hey, O! Wa S'up? (Down The Middle, Jul 21, 2005)
JFK Assassin Identified! (Down The Middle, Jul 25, 2005)
Say Cheeeese! (Down The Middle, Jul 30, 2005)
The Sun Also Rises (Down The Middle, Aug 9, 2005)
Ten Years After (Down The Middle, Aug 20, 2005)
My Brother's Keeper (Down The Middle, Aug 29, 2005)
Baghdad on the Bayou - The Cavalry's Coming! (Down The Middle, Sep 5, 2005)
Return of the Dragon (Down The Middle, Sep 17, 2005)
OKLAHOMA! Where The Bombs Come Sweeping Down The Plains (Down The Middle, Oct 4, 2005)
U.S.S. MAINE EXPLODES IN THE PERSIAN GULF! WAR IS DECLARED ON IRAN! (Down The Middle, Oct 17, 2005)
In the Eye of the Eagle (Down The Middle, Nov 25, 2005)
Let the Eagle Soar (Down The Middle, Dec 5, 2005)
Dr. Rumsfeld or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (Down The Middle, Jan 10, 2006)
Where Eagles Dare (Down The Middle, Jan 21, 2006)
Through the Looking Glass (Down The Middle, Feb 12, 2006)
Beware the Ides of March (Down The Middle, Feb 23, 2006)
The Last Patriot (Down The Middle, Mar 6, 2006)
Beating the Bushes ...and the Clintons (Down The Middle, Mar 16, 2006)
By Dawn's Early Light (Down The Middle, Apr 11, 2006)
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