Words - Jun 19, 2004 - Printable Version
- Owed Ode on a Commode
by bill faulk (01/10/95) Friends disagree.
Some say it has been five years; some: eight;
Since our commode was securely fastened to the floor.
So be it.
Field of expediency
Born of creative poverty,
Utilizing shims and a bicycle inner tube, cleverly,
Made our commode able to be rode,
Just a matter of sitting steadily,
You see.
The floor beneath,
Weakened by wet rot, lunatic termites and decades
Of decadence,
Was a source of worry to mate gaining weight
And not a throne upon which to read a heavy tome,
Lest a vessel, passenger aboard, plunge to purgatory
beneath the floor
Never to rise again.
(I say: Are you all right down there?)
The most remembered feature of our commode, however,
Was its flushing, if flushed to be.
Let it be stated simply and irrefutably stated
That the flushing mechanism contained in the compartment
Convenient for leaning,
Was irreparable and irreplaceable
To which many friends in frustrated attempts to show friendship,
Will testify
So be it.
We flushed by bucket from the bathtub.
We took daily baths and never drained the tub
Except by bucket.
Field testing has shown that two buckets of used bathing water;
Approximately equals one day of commode flushing,
Unless it is a heavy visitor day
Especially of beer drinkers.
This is okay, you know, with regulars who know the drill.
But first time visitors, who often arrive with regulars,
And are always bright-eyed, well dressed naive American females,
Or so it seems,
Always cause a lull in the conversation when they ask me sweetly:
"Do you have a bathroom?"
Not where is the bathroom, you notice,
But do you have one.
Now, there is complete silence.
Everyone wants to hear how I handle this.
"Yes", I say, pointing in the correct direction,
"Through those doors. Can't miss it."
I try to time it so that she has just entered the door
But not yet shut it.
"The flushing mechanism on the commode doesn't work,"
I shout.
"When finished, use water from the bathtub to flush."
Girls from Texas always giggled and said, "Got you, man."
There were other reactions, of course,
Including one young lady who returned and said,
"I can wait."
Recycling?
We did our part.
So be it.
PART II
One day one of my sons, Paul, approached me and said,
"Dad, I know where there is a chocolate-covered commode
Not being used.
How about if Darrel (Darrel shares half a big house with Paul)
Darrel and I bring it over and install it for you for a
Father's Day present?
Darrel's good at things like that"
Well, Paul's an attorney, you know,
So I naturally asked how come this commode
Happened to be available.
"The guy who had it," Paul said,
"Replaced it with a white one because he didn't like the color."
Only in America.
Well, the idea of a chocolate-colored commode
rather appealed to me,
Especially if it worked,
I being the commode-cleaner of the establishment.
What a great Father's Day present!
Sure, I said.
Love it, Paula said.
(She'd always been embarrassed by the bucket in the bathroom routine.
I mean, how can you have a party?
Take a lot of baths?)
Well, days passed and water poured.
Suddenly one Saturday morning Darrel and Paul arrived
in Darrel's pickup,
(Attorneys don't drive pickups)
And in the back was the long-awaited and now famous
Chocolate-covered commode.
What a lovely sight!
Paula and I marveled to look at it.
"Now just go in and sit down, Dad.
We got it."
I can handle that.
Well, it took somewhat longer than they thought, I believe.
Darrel replaced the whole flooring under the commode
So no one is in danger of dropping through, anymore.
But it came to pass.
That evening Paula and I admired our own new, working,
Chocolate-colored commode.
She tried it. It flushed.
I tried it. It flushed it.
We loved it.
The next morning, Sunday.
Paul and Darrel arrived in Darrel's pickup.
In back was a gleaming, white, brand new, not yet uncrated
Commode.
"Darrel said that chocolate-colored commode isn't a workable commode, Dad," Paul said.
"So we're going to replace it with this new white one."
America, you know.
"It seemed okay to us, last night"
"Just take Darrel's word for it, okay, Dad.
He knows about these things.
Just go sit down. We'll be in and out of here."
They were in and almost out when I stopped them.
"Paul, I didn't mean for you to be buying me a new commode."
"it's okay, Dad. Didn't cost much. Bottom of the line."
Well, we live bottom of the line, you know.
Didn't know there was any other part.
Darrel, I say, "Let me pay you something toward your endeavors.
"No," he says. "What I want you to do,
I want you to write a poem about it."
Well, I covered my ass, you know.
"What if it's not a good poem?"
"That's okay, just give it your best shit --- shot."
Well, time passed.
People came from miles around to flush our new gleaming-white
Commode.
This Christmas, my oldest son, Mark, arrived one day and tiled our bath area.
Then, a good friend, Arney, dropped by with a new front door
That just happened to lying around in Weatherford.
Paula laid down two new carpets.
Another chair arrived in the front room.
Shucks, I had to get teeth to go with the damn decor.
Yes, things are looking up.
Our bathroom is a gleaming white palace with a throne.
It's so hip that copies of the New Yorker are scattered
Tastefully for the quick-witted but slow mover.
However, Paul advises me that Darrel is going to confiscate
Our new commode
If i don't keep my part of the bargain.
Holy shit!
Maybe it ain't an ode
Or maybe it ain't even poetry.
But the event of the chocolate-colored commode
And the glistening white commode
Is now immortalized in the annals of American literature.
Thank you Darrel.
Thank you, Paul.
Owed ode on a Commode
Is no longer owed.
I have kept my artist's license.
-bill faulk (1931-2003)
Voice your opinion on our message board (you don't have to sign up to post), or post in our guestbook.
Words Archives:
Recently - 1998 (bill faulk, Mar 19, 2004)
Incarceration (Lauren Zuniga, Apr 12, 2004)
Run Clear (Robin Carty, 1991, May 12, 2004)
Political Science (Randy Newman, 1968, May 30, 2004)
Owed Ode on a Commode (bill faulk (01/10/95), Jun 19, 2004)
Thoughts On The Way Home (Mark Faulk, Jun 29, 2004)
Mr. President (Have Pity on the Working Man) (Randy Newman, Aug 2, 2004)
This Single Child (bill faulk (1969), Aug 26, 2004)
Lament In 2008 (Robin Buckallew, Sep 8, 2004)
Onstage (Kelsey Faulk, Sep 21, 2004)
You Weep For Me (sean faulk, Oct 1, 2004)
Shepherds of the Nation (Ray Davies, Oct 12, 2004)
There's a Place to be (Kelsey Faulk, Nov 1, 2004)
Young Conservatives (Ray Davies (The Kinks), 1983)
Ozymandias (Percy Shelley, Nov 27, 2004)
Two Stories (Russell Tharp, Dec 8, 2004)
Three Simple Words (Kelsey Faulk, Dec 19, 2004)
Big Hat, No Cattle (Randy Newman, Dec 26, 2004)
You Are What You Eat.... (Robin Buckallew, Lillian Annabella Constantine lll, Kelsey Faulk, Zola Zook, and Mark Faulk, Jan 6, 2005)
The Wind in the Trees (Mark Faulk & Sheralyn Faulk, Jan 18, 2005)
When Will They Realize? (Mark Faulk, Feb 19, 2005)
Leap of Faith (Jonathan Larson, Mar 3, 2005)
Rise of An Evil Empire: Part 1 (Now With Added Destruction!) (sean faulk, March 19, 2005)
Roman Numeral 5 (Lillian Annabella Constantine lll, Mar 29, 2005)
I Like For You to be Still (Pablo Neruda, Apr 26, 2005)
If You Forget Me (Pablo Neruda, May 8, 2005)
Day After Tomorrow (Tom Waits, May 21, 2005)
Looney Balloon (Ray Davies, May 31, 2005)
Swandive (ani defranco, Jun 13, 2005)
Simple Twist of Fate (Bob Dylan, Jun 22, 2005)
I, "The Fly" (R.P. St. John, Jr. , Jul 4, 2005)
Just a Look (Russell Tharp, Jul 13, 2005)
Shangri-la (Ray Davies, Jul 18, 2005)
When The President Talks To God (Conor Oberst (Bright Eyes), Jul 23, 2005)
Warning Sign (Coldplay, Jul 30, 2005)
the sound of a breaking heart (Russell Tharp, Aug 10, 2005)
Presidential Rag (Arlo Guthrie, Aug 15, 2005)
Louisiana 1927 (Randy Newman, Aug 29, 2005)
Oceanside (The Decemberists, Sep 23, 2005)
Misfit (Ray Davies, Oct 10, 2005)
the lost baby poem (Lucille Clifton, Oct 12, 2005)
names and dates and times (ani difranco, Oct 29, 2005)
The Sun and The Moon (Salvador Zapata, Nov 8, 2005)
Pumpkin Seeds (Devendra Banhart, Nov 23, 2005)
The story of life (part one) (Russell Tharp, Dec 6, 2005)
It's Money That Matters (Randy Newman, Dec 11, 2005)
|
|
|