Today show
Updated: 2:37 p.m. ET April 6, 2005
Lying and cheating are issues that all parents must face at some point. Whether it is lying about breaking a toy or cheating to get a better test grade, parents must be firm in explaining that it is unacceptable behavior. "Today" contributor Ruth Peters shares her expert advice for parents, along with tips from educational consultant Michele Borba.
Why children lie
Children develop through progressive stages of moral development. Two-year-olds may not understand the concept of truth versus deception, but children over three certainly can. They may not like to own up to it, but preschoolers know right from wrong, truth from falsehood, and certainly don't like to be lied to. However, many don't seem to mind stretching the truth at times, especially if it gains them attention or a coveted treat, privilege or reward.
Of course, especially with little ones, imaginary friends often engage in pretend, and false, actions. This is necessary for play and is an indication of creativity and imagination. However, when you ask your preschooler if she made her bed and she tells you she did but her "friend" must have messed it up, it's time to teach her the difference between playful teasing and lying in order to avoid responsibility for completing a task or for misbehavior.
What to do
If you catch your child in a whopper, try not to overreact and to give unwarranted attention to the misdeed. Understand the child's motivations and reasons for the lie — was it to get out of doing a chore, to avoid punishment for breaking an object, or a call for extra attention? Let him know that you care about his behavior as well as his needs and that not only do you want to understand them but that you want him to understand his behavior as well. The goal is to help your child to develop a sense of conscience so that he can be his own guide in the future when you are not always present to supervise his actions.
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Also, recognize that not only are your children watching you when you are altruistic, honest and caring, but they have very annoying radar when it comes to noticing your indiscretions. They are watching your behavior and how honest you are. So, the next time you consider trying to talk your way out of receiving a traffic ticket, telling a telephone solicitor that you're just the baby-sitter or lying about your kid's age to get the reduced rate ticket at Disney World, reconsider! It's confusing to kids to see their folks fudging, fibbing and telling even "white lies." It's hypocritical at best and can be downright harmful. The lesson of "Do what I say but not what I do" just doesn't cut it when trying to teach kids honesty and truthfulness. You must live it in order to get the message across clearly to your children.
Why children cheat
The urge to bend the rules is often seen in children both at play as well as at school. Most of us like to win, and kids enjoy being seen as achievers, meriting others' approval. Children will cheat at games, often denying that a rule was broken, or claiming innocence by saying they didn't really understand the rules to begin with.
Although they may indeed win the game or receive an "A" grade on a test, children and teenagers don't seem to understand that they are really cheating themselves, not just their classmates or competitors. Kids who cheat academically tend to not understand the material and fall behind their classmates in terms of grasping the concepts.
What to do
Clarify exactly what cheating is. Many kids would agree that copying others' answers during a test is dishonest, but may not consider bringing in a "cheat sheet" to class or writing an acronym on their hand as a memory aid to be deceitful. Some children even consider these as "victimless crimes" — they are not taking anyone else's answers, so who's hurt by it? Another area of cheating that is often seen as acceptable by children is to skim a book, or to not even read it, and to pass off a quick review as a book report. Let your child know that not completing the work, taking short cuts or passing off someone else's product as their own is indeed cheating, and therefore is unacceptable in your household.
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