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Carnaval Brasilero
Saturday Feb 05, 5:00AM
Palmer Auditorium , 400 S. First , 472-5111

www.sambaparty.com

Now is a really good time to schedule one of those two teeth cleanings per year allotted on your dental plan. No time like the present, and even if you don’t relish the idea of having a trade school grad in an untinted welding mask ravage your tender gums with jagged, spiky implements, you’ll probably thank yourself years later when your cribbage mates at the retirement home are soaking their choppers in glasses of Efferdent. Ever try to gum your way through a Salisbury steak? It ain’t pretty. You’re better off taking your chances with an epileptic dental hygienist. Even if you don’t end up with a tight, white grill, you’ll at least have the memories and the cold sweats to keep you awake nights. Don’t have a dental plan? Maybe you should have voted, Snagglepuss. Four more years of Shrubbery and you’ll be lucky if you don’t have to drive down to Nuevo Laredo for an affordable emergency appendectomy. There are however, a few perks to be gleaned from the current rogering that masquerades as affordable health care. For instance, free samples: prescription and non-prescription drugs provided pro bono (which, for you red staters, is not a veiled reference to Cialis but rather a latin phrase that means “for the public good”) by pharmaceutical manufacturers in piddling amounts just sufficient enough to get you hooked (thanks for getting our back, Glaxo). Sure there are naysayers, whiners who would complain that free samples aren’t a lagniappe of the finest health care system in the world but rather an insincere, weak-hearted reach around from the greed whores giving it to us in the rear, but that argument falls completely to pieces with dental floss. Nobody gets hooked on dental floss, so any gratis dissemination of dental floss must be for the public good, right? The only people who really use dental floss are either A) neurotic or B) putting together a thong for this Saturday’s Carnaval Brasiliero at the Palmer Auditorium. Though it may seem strange that one of Austin’s most skintacular events takes place every February, think of it this way: Colder weather means smaller pasties and banana hammocks, and no one wants to fritter away precious days crocheting a huge nipple doily, now do they? Besides, the dermal real estate left uncovered by floss can be taken care of with a colorful array of paint, beads, feathers, and fake flora - if you want to be a prude about it. Unlike its Brazilian counterpart, Austin’s Carnaval Brasiliero isn’t about getting in a few days of debauchery before the fasting and piety of Lent. No, it’s basically about the debauchery, so if you’re uncomfortable with an abundance of T&A;, you may want to use your floss on something else, like your teeth.

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