WFMU's Beware of the Blog

Einstürzende Dead Mosquitos

I hear the Germans have a good chuckle at the American tendency to view Blixa Bargeld as some mysterious, dark and dangerous creature.  The man we know best as the firestarting sledgehammer-wielding Einstürzende Neubauten shriek'n howling Bad Seed with S&M themed performance & fashion aesthetic is better known to his country volks as a national institution: Movie Star, Urbane Gentleman, Celebrity Chef, and now, the face of the German equivalent of Home Depot.

Fabio Roberti, aka Our Fobsie, host of Strength Through Failure, shows us the following award-winning German television commercials, starring our hero:

• Blixa recommends a strong mosquito killer.
• Blixa can't get enough of these new paving stones.
• Blixa not love a power drill?  Pshaw!
• Blixa on paint.

You're invited to further nosh on Neubauten.  Herewith, my interview with Blixa (RM link) on April 28, 2000.  I was scared shitless.  It was my first radio interview ever, I was intimidated, and it was my birthday.  I desperately needed to smoke cigarettes and drink beer. We did, and it went fine, though I'm sure I'd be humiliated to hear it now.

And here once again is Our Fobsie, hosting (RM link) another Neubauten, Alexander Haacke.

And finally, here's an mp3 download of the song you hear playing in all those commercials --
12305 Te Nacht (5.7m), from the album Tabula Rasa.  Yippee ya-ya yippee yippee yay.

We Suck, But We're Free! More Scare Tactics From the NAB

With Howard Stern moving to Sirius Satellite Radio in less than a month, the National Association of Broadcasters (NAB) is stepping up its scare tactics to keep people away from alternatives to broadcast radio. Here is another spot the NAB recently released to commercial stations all over the country (MP3), including the NAB introduction. It doesn't mention Sirius or XM by name, but you know who they're talking about. (Here's a previous post about the NAB's last scare-spot.)

In this spot, the NAB paints an absolute nightmare scenario for its core constituency of male radio listeners: during a baseball broadcast, it's two out, bottom of the ninth inning with the bases loaded, when a hit is headed out of the park - it's going, going, when suddenly the broadcast is interrupted by an a long distance operator requesting 25 cents for the remainder of the broadcast. The horror! What more proof do you need that the good Lord ordained that radio should be free?

The spot is remniscent of the famous Heidi incident in 1968, when NBC cut off a New York Jets game during the critical game-deciding moment so they could cut start the TV version of the movie Heidi on time. The ensuing outcry changed the nature of sports television in the US forever.

Clearly, the NAB sees Sirius as a huge threat. My colleagues in non-commercial radio see podcasting as a bigger threat than Sirius or XM. People who work in radio are running scared, which makes sense, if you see new technologies as a threat instead of the opportunities they could be.

Z Channel's Freeform Movie Mayhem

Seeing Xan Cassavettes' recent documentary Z Channel: A Magnificent Obsession I became somewhat jealous that I didn't grow up in LA and have the access to this amazing independent pay-TV service that programmed the most eclectic films imaginable. Z Channel, started in 1974, was freeform defined, broadcasting everything from never-seen-on-TV foreign films to celebrated Golden Turkeys to kitschy softcore, often showcasing single directors or actors for a given week. They were unafraid to air the epic 15 hour Berlin Alexanderplatz. Ratings were not an issue, quality was. And it worked; Z Channel reigned supreme (kicking both HBO and Cinemax's collective asses in the LA area), influencing many minds and breathing life into many overlooked films that the promo machine just didn't work correctly the first time around.

New York Noise Features WFMU This Week

New York City's Channel 25 TV spotlights WFMU this week on it's great music video program New York Noise, giving an insider glance at the Record Fair that went down earlier this month at the Metropolitan Pavilion. Music and Program Director Brian Turner, most likely picked for his uncanny similarity in appearance to Adam Curry,  hosts some video clips from his own collection (including Afrirampo, Lightning Bolt, Devo, Captain Beefheart (!), Deerhoof and Serge Gainsbourg), plus there are cameos from WFMU DJ's Trouble, OCDJ, Mac, and Small Change. Tune in if you're in the New York area, the show is on both broadcast and cable TV, and the episode runs Tuesday, November 29th at 10PM, Friday December 2nd at 9PM, and Sunday December 4th at 10 PM.

A Diagram of the Home

(hommage mineur à Bil Keane)

Mother(s) Rage

Jesus, what's up Internet?  I know you go through your phases, but what's with this white-ladies-of-the-American-south-flipping-their-lids kick you've been on lately?  What?  You've always been obsessed by them?!  Hmmm... so you have.  And it's not just you?  I guess you're right.  Well, TV may have started it, but you've gotta admit you're sort of harvesting them.

Exhibits:

Margaret Perrin She's the one that seems to have started all this. Click to view a gag-reel of her show-saving turn on Fox's "Trading Spouses".  (Oh please, no booing, you're better than that!) Margaret is what you might call a "Good Christian Woman from Louisiana".  You are what Margaret would call a "Gargoyle from the dark side". 

Parking Lot Pariah (NSFW): And over here we've got the potty-mouthed secular (also southern) version of Mrs. Perrin.  (both of these vids via break.com)

"You should've asked me nicely, Mom" (link to clean Realaudio version, or download the totally choad-licking obscene mp3).  This is some unhinged Mom (from the south) and her dickwad 16-yr old kid, which I found on The Internet someplace.  She started screaming at him to let her use his car, so he turned on his webcam.  You only need to hear the audio.  I hear some of our DJs have tried this tactic, only to fail when the parental ass-whupping commenced.

Speaking of parental ass-whuppings, here's a thing someone wrote back in 1998, and it's all about being a mom and raging at your kid - way back in 1998!  What's more, she says all mothers got rage -- so this kinda thing's been going on since 1998, and The Internet is just now catching on? Shame on you Internet!  Tho I grant, it's not really your territory until it becomes porn -- hey, what's that?! A site that fetishizes that movie "Locked Up: A Mothers Rage" starring Cheryl Ladd as a raging mom who smokes cigarettes!!  (For what it's worth, here's Realaudio of my kid Lila flipping the tables and raging at her mother, accompanied by Nurse With Wound.)

Of course, one need not be an actual mother to be in possession of Mother Rage; no, mother rage makes plenty of allowance for human complexity.  We celebrate (flip) now with two versions of the "Dyketactic" classic from Kathy Fire, "Mother Rage".

(F:) Drive Video Vault

Rarely do my worlds collide with such hilarity as in this clip from grindcore band Dying Fetus.  To see the Blue's Clues "face" and other images from popular children's TV used in this fashion brings me great joy.  (Everyone knows that Death Metal vocals started with the Cookie Monster, anyway.)  Go on, play this video for your kids—with the given indecipherability of the lyrics, I'm sure no one's in danger, despite the title.  Here's more information about the band and the album, plus guitar tabs for the song.  [Dying Fetus - Kill Your Mother Rape Your Dog mpg]

Since there seems to be a Fall renaissance going on, it's timely to view these clips of the band in their salad days.  First, one of the earliest lineups performing "Psychomafia" and "Industrial Estate" (plus some interview footage), taken from the What's On? program in 1978.  Note the presence of original keyboardist (and Mark E. girlfriend) Una Baines.  The next clip is a raucous live performance of the song "Smile" from 1983, when the band was featured on the BBC's The Tube.  BBC Radio icon John Peel appears briefly in the intro; Peel waived his hosting fee, with the agreement that The Fall could perform on the show.  All this should make you ripe and ready for The Wonderful and Frightening World of Mark E. Smith, an outstanding 2005 BBC4 documentary that is so good, the lack of a subsequent DVD release would be criminal.  (RSM contributed)  [Fall clip 1] [Fall clip 2]

How cool were The Stranglers?  Look at Hugh Cornwell—you wish you were half as cool as he is in this Top of The Pops clip, where the band apes to their version of Burt Bachrach's "Walk On By."  Not the greatest lip syncher, but still way cool.  Start with a base stock of Roxy Music, add some Ray Manzarek keyboards, fold in four creative, decadent minds and stir, with lots of grit and sweat from the pub floor and voila! — one of my all-time favorite bands.  Why are The Stranglers not as heralded as some of their contemporaries from the UK punk explosion?  Was it Dave Greenfield's refusal to leave the prog era behind and cut his hair?  Perhaps they were too dark, too literary or too sexy for their own good.  The Stranglers still perform and record today, albeit without Hugh, who's busy with his solo projects, including two books and a touring/recording band.  [The Stranglers - Walk On By mpg]

3 Videos: Subway Car Video, Ali Snubs Bush and Al Qaeda Cartoon Outtakes

Here's how to turn a subway car into a film projector, using only suction cups, mirrors and a laptop. The perpetrators in this case pulled it off in Berlin. Had they tried this stunt in New York, they'd be facing charges right now. Quicktime video for download via del.icio.us/tag/video

Last week, President Bush awarded a Presidential Medal of Freedom award to Muhammad Ali, calling The Greatest "a man of peace," and "the greatest of all time." Ali responded by making the internationally accepted "this guy's nuts" sign as Bush tied the ribbon around his neck. Windowsmedia video for download

The Family Guy started off a recent episode with a great idea - what would the outtakes from an Al Qaeda "death to infidels" video look like? Of course, it ends with Stewie kicking some Al Qaeda ass, which would never happen. If anything, Stewie would join up. Windowsmedia video for download (last two via theync.com)

Seats to Fill at the FCC

It looks like the Bush administration may soon allow the FCC to get busy with their tremendous backlog of work on controversial topics... W. is expected to announce his nominations for the 2 open seats on the commission: one of which was created following Chairman Michael Powell's resignation earlier this year  (Kevin Martin, then a commission member, moved on up, leaving an empty seat), and the other is from Michael Copps' 5-year-term coming to an end.

FYI: The commission is made up of 2 democrats (Copps and Adelstein), 2 republicans (Abernathy, whose term will end pretty soon and does not seek renomination, and the empty seat), and a hood ornament (Martin, a republican).

Bush is expected to renominate Democrat Michael Copps, a man so uptight that he's issued separate statements detailing his personal dissent from indecency cases that the commission as a whole had dismissed. Deborah Tate, Director of the Tennessee Regulatory Authority, is rumored to be W's pick for the empty republican seat on the commission. However, conservative lip-zipper Ted Stevens is ever so eager to come up with his own FCC nominee that he can force down the administration's throat.

A fast confirmation of both appointees might give Chairman Martin a short window of time (before Abernathy's departure) to use the commission's republican majority to his advantage: possibly making headway on controversial issues that the politically split FCC could not tackle. Might we see indecency revisited during this period? The Senate Commerce Committee has already scheduled a forum on broadcast decency...

Indecency Complaints Up Again, Briefly

O, what a swarthy, smutty summer we endured... The FCC just released its quarterly report (PDF) from the Complaint Dept, and the numbers indicate that July 2005 was the most scandalous month on record since January of 2004. Surprised? Me, too. I mean, I feel like I must have missed out on some party.

The Super Bowl nipple mishap that rang-in 2004 inspired 138,652 Americans (95% of whom were affiliated with the Parents Television Council, or PTC) to file complaints with the FCC. Since then, the numbers of broadcast indecency complaints have drastically decreased; numbers of complaints leveled off around the 2,000 mark for most months... Until July hit, that is. The network TV broadcast of the Live 8 concert prompted a whopping 23,547 folks (PTC members represented the overwhelming majority of these people) to tattle on ABC for airing an unedited live performance of "Who Are You" by The Who. The classic tune contains the questionable lyrics, who the fuck are you, which has aired countless times over the radio, unobjectionably unedited, for years and years.

The good news is that in the subsequent months of Q3 2005, indecency complaints were back to low numbers and the American people, exhibiting normal levels of apathy, have let up. We hope that this issue continues to fizzle out before lawmakers attempt to pass some ugly legislation...

That Boy Jumpy Sure Can Dance

Hello, Everybody—Nice seeing you again.

The WFMU Record Fair this past weekend was the most fun ever. Everyone had been waiting a year for it, and folks were ready. There were great live acts, and bizarre entertainment in the AV Lounge, and album cover modification procedures, and dancing, and food—and, of course, tons of vinyl, CDs, and stuff. So much stuff. Usually I can’t even buy anything at the Record Fair, because when I’m confronted by that much recorded material the acquisitive part of my brain overloads and shuts down. I walk up and down every aisle, and then I leave. But this year I was on a mission to find a recording that featured washtub bass, and I want to thank that one dealer who came down $5 on the price so I’d have enough money left to get home. But still … there was a lot of stuff.

I don’t know anybody who doesn’t have a lot of stuff, huge accumulations of pop-cultural detritus: comic books, plastic toys, baseball cards, books, records, CDs, 8-track tapes, shoes, hats, teapots, watches, fountain pens, videos, art, little bits of metal picked up off the street, shopping bags, postcards—anything—everything—all of it at once. I never thought of myself or my friends as being participants in the great American consumer economy, but when I look at our itty-bitty living spaces stuffed full of crap, I have to reconsider.

I think there are various categories of stuff, or that stuff is acquired for several different reasons. There are things that are useful, but I think most stuff is not acquired to be used. One very nice wristwatch is a useful thing, but 37 assorted wacky watches hanging from nails on the wall constitutes stuff. People who collect things may take solitary pleasure from their collection: a philatelist can sit down and leaf through his stamp album and enjoy the collection. But stuff often seems to require an audience. The thing I enjoyed most about my collection of jackalope postcards was the reaction of people who appreciated the humorous aspects of anybody having a jackalope postcard collection in the first place.

This Week in Sex: Sucktastic

Last week in sex:

• Recycle your holiday pumpkins into sex toys. Big, orange, un-sexy sex toys. (How will the diy sex toy people recycle christmas trees?)
  
• Check out what dildos went as for Halloween, and what the dildos did before that.
• Dirty laundry update: Last week we told you about vagina underwear (specifically, we told you not to wear it). This week it's frozen ground beef panties. Again, we ask you not to wear them, and we are backed up by the federal government (finally, some support here!) because the beef may have been contaminated with E. coli. Hats of Meat, however, are still tasteful and fashion-forward, wear well in the winter, and should be fine long as you don't get them near the dirty meat panties.

Last century in sex: U.S troops in London in WWII no match for "young sluts." But really, who is?

Color me horny. "Adult" paint by numbers, which is good because I don't understand the letters on that site. But that's OK, because the pictures are in the universal language of porn.

Nip/tuck. Do dogs know when they've been de-balled? I don't know if ball-replacement surgery helps, but having your owner wear a necklace with fake balls on it has to be a downer when you are trying to be a stud on the dog run.

Belly dancers. I'm not going to make fun of the 7th Annual Women's Belly and Womb Conference, where we will learn to love and know the power in our bellies and celebrate the magic of our womb today. As conference organizer ALisa (sic) Starkweather puts it, "Belly and Womb. Belly and Womb. You've got to know what's down in there. Belly and Womb. Belly and Womb. You've got to heal what you think you can't bear. Belly and Womb. Belly and Womb. Listen to your body. She speaks what's true. Belly and Womb. Belly and Womb. Honor the wisdom deep in you."  I'm listening to my belly and she wants to hurl. I'm going to honor that wisdom.

You're in trouble. They call it Urine Gone, but Urine Trouble would have been better. Order it "as seen on tv" and you get a black-light stain detector as seen on tv shows like CSI. And if you don't know why I mention this in a sex post, you aren't thinking about how gross/fun it would be to play detective in a motel room with that thing.

A blog of their own. Salon started a blog for the ladies, and lady-readers must be majorly pms-ing 'cause they HATE it. Maybe after a few days, a few pints of Ben and Jerry's, and a handful of Advil, they'll chill. One lady thinks it's "astoundingly sucktastic" to find some weird or funny or interesting tidbit in the news, add snarky comments, call it a blog, and think anyone besides your friends would care. Yeah. Right. OK. Are we meeting at the movies later? Call me! Bye! 

[You have to sit through an ad to get to Salon. Sucktastic!]

thanks to Corinna and SM Ken

The Fall Vs. Jools Holland

BBC's Later With Jools Holland (which can be seen on BBC America as well) often features an eclectic variety of live music performances, though, to be honest, the average viewing finds usually about one or two bands I really care enough to watch. It's such a weirdly formatted show as well: the taping runs pretty much without pause while Holland points to the bands in a P.T. Barnum-like way to play, while they are enclosed in cubbies as part of a large semi-circle before the studio audience (some of whom intermingle in cafe-like surroundings around said artist). Usually when the performance is done, Holland will pop out and may or may not really address the act, though if it's someone like Alicia Keys or Robert Plant he'll plop down next to them and they'll probably be granted two songs. But it's certainly better, I guess, than being forced to lipsync on Solid Gold around their dancers. Enter Mark E. Smith and company on a May, 2005 show where they performed a medley of "Pacifying Joint" and the Move's "I Can Hear the Grass Grow", as well as a follow-up track "Blindness." (rm video file for download). Under giant hulking letters spelling out "Fall", Smith warbles, barks, tampers with his wife's keyboards, and is, in other words, great. The band's lumbering, repetitive din quickly takes command of the BBC set and for seven minutes takes it outside the parameters of your average-act-promoting-new-hit-on-TV, and no doubt that both the audience and fellow guests all knew something quite different was afoot that day.. Allegedly there was an off-camera advisory from MES to Jools to "not join in on any boogie-woogie piano" and fellow guest Robert Plant supposedly got called "c***ty" out loud. Ah, Mark. But cheers to the show for giving up 7 minutes of time for the Fall; amidst a sea of flash-in-the-pan bands aping their moves these days, it's heartwarming to see the Fall still great after 28 years of riding several peaks but no valleys whatsoever. Their newest LP Fall Heads Roll (Narnack Records) is enjoying some heavy WFMU airplay not surprisingly, and Castle/Sanctuary continues to roll out deluxe reissues of some classic albums like Room To Live and Hex Enduction Hour with extra discs of bonus material.

Music From Your Mothers

I'm on a real Mothers of Invention kick lately, and nothing could be better than the quintessential 1968 lineup (Don Preston, Roy Estrada, Ian Underwood, Jimmy Carl Back, et al.) performing King Kong.  What gene pool made these guys?  Largely classically trained, oversexed, jaded intellectual too-cool-to-be-hippie motherfuckers - they simply do not make bands like this anymore.  They inspired so many, and were narrowly rewarded for their efforts.  Of course, Frank Zappa's post-Mothers career and all-too-short life is well documented, but it's the Mothers era that never ceases to amaze me.

Note Frank's comment at the top of this clip thanking the BBC for "allowing them to do things..." - the US hasn't changed that much, if at all; we still have the worst artist-censoring record this side of Iran.
King Kong.rm

This Week in Sex: Shorts

We didn't take our medication this week, so welcome to the short-attention-span edition of TWiS.

I'm not a doctor, Jim, I'm a pedophile. An article in the Huffington Post suggests that there is a connection between watching Star Trek and being a pedophile. Trekkies get hot and bothered by the idea. (I know trekkies like to be called trekkers, but trekkies are not the boss of me.)

How to measure your penis. Is it really that hard? Apparently this diy project might involve, like, math. Math + boner = need for detailed instructions.

Queerty in pink. New gay blog queerty. Check out Little Joe "Walk on the Wild Side" Dallesandro, be surprised he is still alive, and wonder what he looks like now.

News of the nude: Everyday nakedness in the Netherlands, where everybody who is naked is also white. That shaggy dude who walks around England naked got arrested again. Whatever.

Life is a cabaret again in Seattle. A temporary ban (that lasted 17 years) on new "adult cabarets," aka strip clubs, in Seattle was finally lifted. [thanks Liz]

Singing Lesbians to Rescue Opera House is my favorite headline of the week.

Tell your wife: it's not porn, it's art. Christie's auctions sexploitation posters.

Dirty laundry. Museum exhibition about underwear. Tell your wife: it's not underwear, it's culture.

He said, she said. In the tradition of other great games, like "Lesbian or Midwestern?" or "Gay or European?" it's "Female or Shemale: Can You Tell?"

We share DNA with these folks. I mean the people watching the monkeys having sex.

Can't. Stop. Playing. Monkey. Slots.

Let the Finger-Pointing Begin

Read this hilarious report that Pat Robertson is blaming Hurricane Katrina on the Academy of Television Arts and Sciences for choosing sexual deviant Ellen Degeneres as this year's host for the Emmy Awards. Given Robertson's latest loopy outburst, I didn't put it past him. In fact, I still believe that the parody's author must have accessed Pat's innermost thoughts and desires through a secret wormhole.

Be sure to check out the rest of the Dateline Hollywood site for some good ol' fashioned satire to relieve your weary mind from the increasingly sobering real news.

Thanks to Irwin for encouraging us to believe.

This Week in Sex: Vegetarians.

In the interest of fair play and a balanced diet, which are not interesting at all, we're following up last week's This Week in Sex, a delicious array of meat, with this week's This Week in Sex, a skimpy side of veg. Enjoy. But you won't enjoy it as much as the meat.

Sex advice from vegans compiled by Nerve. A big topic of discussion: is swallowing semen strictly vegan? My theory: as long as you don't kill the guy to get the semen, it's fine.

Eat me. And by "me" I mean vegetarian foods that are aphrodisiacs. Or dirty baked goods. While you ponder this: Do you think handing out vagina-shaped candy might actually be a publicity stunt?

Drink me. Make your own beer cozy sex toy. [thanks Daniel Robinson]

The Vegan Vixen Show asks the age-old question, "What happens when a bunch of sexy vegan girls get together?" The age-old answer, "A TV show no one wants to watch." Producer Sky Valencia says "We wanted to appeal to the male audience, the hunters, the dogfighters, the burger eaters - you know, the guys who love Stuff and Low Rider magazine as well as Jack Ass and Howard Stern." You know what appeals to those guys? In a word, meat. And dog fights, but that's two words. (Apparently dog fights are big part of he-man culture.)

Vegetarian personals. The best part is being able to call up a map of everyone on the site. Perfect for vegetarian stalkers.

Tree huggers. I already wrote about these eco-porn people, and I still think they're stupid. The words eco-porn make me want to club a seal.

Vegetarian Radio. The words vegetarian radio make me want to club the seal next to that eco-porn seal.

Put down the gun. Oh, that's not a gun?  DC Comics told an art gallery and a website to stop showing paintings of Batman and Robin being gay. Which they are.

I mean not. Totally are not. Don't send me a cease and desist letter. (But they do make a nice couple.)

It's the end of the world. No, wait, in Malta they have come to realize "it is not the end of the world if one admits to browsing explicit sites on the Internet or buying sex toys." They have their own Maltese sex store, which is pretty much the same as other sex stores, but smarter, because it has the disclaimer,"These products are not intended for use by mindless morons."  This would effectively kill a business in the U.S., where all products are intended for use by mindless morons. Go Malta!

[Yes, I know those last couple got a little off-topic. Don't send me a cease and desist letter.]

Next week: Monkeys!

Courtney and Coogan breed

Far be it for Beware of the Blog to become the source for seedy Hollywood gossip, but the Guardian's confirmation of the coupling of Steve Coogan (star of Factory label honcho Tony Wilson's fantasy/biopic 24 Hour Party People, and the extreme genius Alan Partridge BBC series) with the former Mrs. Cobain is enough to turn our heads today. Courtney reports that a baby is on the way, as of posting, Coogan's management denies all.  The couple are rumored to have had an affair for two weeks in July after meeting in a Hollywood hotel, and according to the article Love (who just re-entered rehab this week) alledgedly told friends "What does it make me look like that I have slept with Alan Partridge? Given the grade A stars I've dated it's embarrassing. I mean...Alan Partridge?" One can only guess that the wooing of the Widow Cobain included taking personal, large dinner plates to all-you-can-eat buffets, and a bedroom display of air bass guitar mime to Level 42 songs.

UPDATE 8/24: COURTNEY NOW ANNOUNCES SHE IS NOT HEAVY WITH PUP

Eugene Mirman Videos

New York comedian Eugene Mirman hosts 18 hilarious videos on his webpage and you should watch them all. Once you're done with those visit his Show & Tell section where you'll find a spot on impression by Stella's Micheal Showalter, and if you're not watching Stella you're mad.

What Really Happened...

...to Natalee Holloway?

How does someone just up and disappear?  Why can't they "tune up" murder suspects in Dutch territories?  How long can a European rich kid keep quiet?  These and other questions may plague us forever, but we can be pretty sure that it's unwise to get drunk in a foreign land and make out with a sadistic rich boy that you just met, however cute he may be.

I would like to see her returned to her family alive and unharmed, but with the passage of time, a positive outcome seems less and less likely.  Still, judging by the seemingly everlasting media coverage of the Holloway case (particularly by the always "compassionate" Fox News), one would think this were a global tragedy of tsunami proportions.  Get some perspective:  In the United States alone, more than one million people are reported missing each year; most of them do not have three Dutch F-16 warplanes with lasers and special cameras looking for them, either.

Chances are good that the Bad Thing has happened to young Natalee.
Running the acknowledged risk of extraordinarily bad taste, I offer these alternative possibilities:

-Shot by disappointed office seeker

-Harem girl at Brunei Palace

-Managing Aruba Denny's

-Drowned self, despondent over Terri Schiavo passing

-Drowned self, despondent over Jackson verdict

-Drowned self, despondent over choice in America's Top Model 2005

Will Smith Does Ozzfest

OK, not really, but he's there. America's favorite ex-rapper, Mr. Will Smith is traveling on this year's Ozzfest. Why? His wife, Jada Pinkett-Smith is the lead singer of a "metal" band called Wicked Wisdom who is playing the second stage daily. Sigh. You know where this is going & it's gonna be ugly. So first, let's briefly talk about Ozzfest. 3/4ths of the performers on the 2nd (smaller) stage have to pay Sharon/Ozzy/Ozzfest Inc. the sum of $100,000 for the privilege of playing. Sound like a good deal? On the surface it seems like perhaps it could be worth it for the exposure (it doesn't to me, but someone's gotta play Devil's Advocate), but your money could be better spent on a publicist for a couple of years for that dough. The "second" stage starts at 9:30am, so whoever plays first (The Haunted the day I went) gets no new audience. Aside from whether or not it's a good idea to pay the money to play, Ozzfest has spots that are coveted by metal bands, new and old.

Quincy Core: No Scum Like the Human Race

"Why would you listen to music that makes you hate, when you can listen to music that makes you love?" This was the question posed by Jack Klugman's famed Quincy character to Dr. Emily Hanover in the now-legendary Next Stop Nowhere episode in 1982. Yes, network TV's depiction of the relatively new phenomenon of punk rock remains one of the more hilarious moments in dated cultural observations, but as Jay Hinman's Agony Shorthand blog points out, it was only one of quite a few instances of the mainstream media looking at punk through skewered goggles. Giving the goofball punk band Mayhem from Quincy a run for their money was the aptly-titled Pain, who made a mortifying showing on an episode of CHiPs (documented a bit here), where apparently Erik Estrada gets the crowd to stop moshing when he sings Kool and the Gang's "Celebration". Jay's piece on the media's view of punk rock also reprints a great Time Magazine article from 1977 that served to introduce Mom & Dad's America to punk, and also cites LA intolerant TV ranter Wally George for doing punk a good service by adding fuel to the fire with guests like the Mentors' late El Duce. But without doubt, the Quincy episode reigns supreme, with some Quicktime video and Real Audio clips for the uninitiated here, as well as an article written by an actual extra from the episode. I also throw in a vote for the punk club scene in Valley Girl with Nicholas Cage  (people slam to the Plimsouls?) and Dennis Hopper's great Out of the Blue (where his delinquent underage daughter takes up with a Rollins-looking meatheaded drummer). SCTV's Queen Haters performance of "I Hate the Bloody Queen" is without a doubt my all-time fave. And don't forget Nelson (above), ready for that upcoming Misfits show at CB's.

Horror Auteur: Dante Tomaselli

Dante Tomaselli is a director of films that you, the WFMU listener, the inveterate hipster, ought to know about.  While many modern films are described by critics as homages to 70s horror/fantasy, Dante Tomaselli is a true son of creepy 1970s and 80s genre films, as well as being a son of Northeastern NJ.

His two films currently available on DVD, Desecration (1999) and Horror (2002), both stand as visually engulfing nightmares torn from the psyche of a middle-class suburban kid not unlike yours truly.  Desecration deals with religious and family archetypes via mysterious happenings at a convent school, while Horror is an LSD-tinged crazy quilt of hallucinatory occultism populated by a group of misfit adolescents, also starring The Amazing Kreskin in a lead role.

His latest release, Satan's Playground (2005), involves a vacationing family's encounter with The Jersey Devil.

Dante was kind enough to submit to an e-mail interview, the transcript of which follows:

Wm: First of all, Dante, thank you for taking the time to answer a few questions.  I believe there are a great many film fans here who would benefit from knowing about your work.

DT: Thank you.   

Wm: I own your first two films, Desecration and Horror, on DVD, and have watched both several times with great enjoyment.  Your work seems to be imbued with a vibe that is so specific to coming of age in the 1970s, watching medium-to-low budget horror/fantasy, as I did.  Films like The Sentinel, Don't Be Afraid of the Dark and Jack Woods' Equinox are deeply imprinted on my memory and personal aesthetic.  Can you speak to that influence a bit?

DT: I was 7-years-old when I saw The Sentinel at a Drive-in in 1977. It was a blasphemous film, yet stylish, gothic. And I saw Don't Look Now around that age too. It left a very deep imprint. That knife wielding grinning death dwarf has to be the most nightmarish sight — ever. There is just something about films from that time. They were no-holds-barred. Totally unhinged.

A Week Imagined

If you're old enough to recall seeing the Beatles on Ed Sullivan (as I do), or If you remember when it was widely accepted that marijuana would soon become a nationally decriminalized (and ultimately legalized) substance, YOU know– the world HAS changed.

But no matter what age you are, you can turn the clock back a few paradigms and get a taste of that more daring and open era by watching a few episodes of the Mike Douglas Show-- Specifically by taking a look at a week of programs from 1972 when Douglas invited John Lennon and Yoko Ono to co-host his afternoon TV show.

Mike Douglas, former big band vocalist and all around affable guy, was no hipster. And his weekday program (syndicated nationally from 1965 to 1984) was produced by future right-wing media guru and now the head of Fox News, Roger Ailes. However, the world was a much different place 33 and a third years ago, and letting a former member of the fab four and his avant-garde wife take over your popular TV show must have seemed like a pretty good idea at the time. And the fact that Rhino has released the entire week as a box set of videos pretty much proves that the entertainment value of the unlikely match up of Mr. Douglas and the arty celebrity couple has actually appreciated over the years.

Through the week of shows, Lennon and Ono chain smoked their way through conversations with Ralph Nader, Black Panther Bobby Seale, George Carlin, Yippie Jerry Rubin and many others. Although he never pursued it seriously, Lennon had a natural talent for broadcasting (listen to him on the radio in 1974 here), and he has a blast playing talk host and bringing some pretty radical politics and ideas to a nationwide audience.

The Immortal Yi Soon Shin

Hello, Everybody—nice seeing you again.
I never thought I would want to visit Korea, but now I do. Now I want to go stand in the middle of Sejongo in Central Seoul, and I want to go to Tongyeong City to see Historical Site No. 113, and I want to visit the village where the 100-episode Korean Broadcasting System’s historical TV series about a 16th-Century Korean naval strategist was filmed. The TV show is called “The Immortal Yi Soon Shin” and it is the greatest television show ever made. What “War and Peace” is to novels, “The Immortal Yi Soon Shin” is to television shows—except it’s all true.

I don’t watch TV very much, except for sports. I’m not a TV snob or anything, it’s just that most of the shows don’t interest me. But I’ve always enjoyed the leased-time programs: Greek music videos, Italian news reports, Bollywood film reviews. The cheese of other cultures is at least different, and therefore more engrossing, than our own. Luckily, when Sluggo and I had our income malfunction and had to cut back to broadcast basic cable, we still got WMBC, channel 55, out of Newton, New Jersey. That’s the station that has the KBS soap operas every Saturday night. For a while we were watching, off and on, some historical drama about Medeival Korean politics—not every week, but if we happened to be home on Saturday night and not doing anything else, we’d look at it. I don’t even know what the name of that show was. The best thing about it was that there was one character who was called the Archfiend, although he didn’t look anything like Jessica Simpson. Other people would call him Archfiend to his face, like that was his name or his title or something. I’m not even sure if he was supposed to be the villain.

Take Warning

Sure, many disclaimers contain important information meant to preserve life, limb, and the American way, but let’s face it, we’ve long since passed a fork in that road and are now obsessed with stating the obvious. There are two more cases to add to the “if you spill hot coffee on yourself, you may get burned” file:

Soft drink disclaimers. Wait, back up the train, soda contains sugar?

Hillary’s outrage over Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. You can download a hack for the video game that shows cartoon sex. Big surprise. The game’s disclaimer reads as follows: Rated Mature, for ages 17 and older, due to intense violence, blood and gore, strong sexual content, strong language and use of drugs. ‘Nuff said, Hillary. And anyway, if you are so determined to see virtual peg-people gettin' it on that you go through the trouble of searching out and downloading a program that mods your video game, then by god, you should be rewarded for your efforts with some pixillated porn.

Rock Dinosaurs Get Flack for Fuck

The uptight christian group (Parents Television Council, or PTC) fond of complaining to the FCC about everything from cartoon butts to 4-lettered expletives has waged war on ABC and The Who via a complaint to the FCC. The band's Live 8 performance the classic song "Who Are You", which contains the lyrics who the fuck are you, was broadcast on ABC unedited. This tune is the unofficial freebie in the world of radio; every classic rock station nowadays unabashedly airs the unedited version of "Who Are You", multiple fucks intact.

Fuck resurfaced a few months ago, but the FCC has been alarmingly quiet about indecency lately (probably because the commission chases its tail on the issue).

The Cable Report 07/05/05 (TV That Scared the Crap Out of Me)

In tribute to TV Land's "Greatest Made-For-TV Movies Of All Time" campaign (this week, and next, I believe), I'm firing up a Cable Report.

The Day After
The preceding parental advisories were more than warranted. I've begun to mentally compile a list of grocery store freak out scenes, and The Day After has a spendid one. Watching this again, I was knocked back by the unrelenting bleakness, the degree of bickering insanity amongst the characters, and the special FX are not too shabby - look for the signature explosion scenes in which victims are x-rayed as if part of a cartoon. Additionally, who can argue with ANY Jason Robards appearance.

V.
This mini-series did nothing if it didn't convince me that my parents were face-peeling aliens. The scare lasted weeks, and was eventually replaced by the belief that my Mom was trying to abandon me in the middle of Sears.

Salem's Lot
I'd venture a guess that some of you didn't even know! It sucks so bad now, because it was a TV movie then. Not to discredit TV movies as a whole, but you wanted scary and gory, and this is neither. To note: Salem's Lot did prominently feature Geoffrey Lewis, father of Juliette, and the ultimate on-screen sidekick. Speaking of character actors, and as such, getting completely off track here, who knows the name Michael G. Hagerty? Let's end with a nod to Michael G. Hagerty:

For years, I was hell bent on the misconception that Michael G. Hagerty was John Candy's brother. The pop-culturally semi-literate will know him as the Mike Duffy in the "AAMCO" episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm. His bio on IMDB.com reads as follows:

"Graduated from the University of Illinois. He worked at Chicago's Second City. He now lives in Los Angeles.

Often plays vendors or merchants."

Zappa Kids Jamming with John Tesh!

Check out this awesome video clip from a monumentous episode of the Conan O'Brien show back in 1995: Dweezil and Ahmet Zappa cover Black Sabbath's "The Wizard" with keytar-wielding John Tesh (real media video download).

Thanks to Mike B. and the AZDZ site/group

Crazy Eddie Rides Again

Anyone who grew up near a television set in the NYC area probably remembers the commercials for the discount electronics and record chain "Crazy Eddie". Thanks to WFMU Listener Pete from Boston (and NJ) for discovering the acerbic TV spots that were an immense point of pride for us tri-staters now have a tribute page online.

Victory for Fake News

In defiance of the FCC’s recent decision to lay the smack-down on Video News Releases (VNRs), fake news has risen from the ashes of near-defeat, unrelenting. A House panel failed to strike down an amendment that would prevent government agencies from producing fabricated news segments and articles using paid journalists.

This decision seems to contradict the FCC decision on VNRs (which are pre-produced faux-news pieces paid for and provided to TV stations by companies, organizations, and government agencies), where the issue raised was a lack of sponsorship disclosure. Some may argue that allowing government agencies to continue propaganda production is simply answering to the current marketplace demand for fake news.

Although critics of fake news point out potential dangers of this particular genre of information, the facts cannot be ignored: fake news fans are smarter.

Seek and Ye Shall Find

In an effort to document cases of liberal bias at PBS, a consultant was secretly hired by republican CPB Chairman Ken Tomlinson. Guess what he found? Liberals, you betcha.

The content investigation was more of a scorecard, rating guests on PBS programs as either “pro-Bush” or “anti-Bush” (after much debate, this dichotomy was found to weed out pinkos faster than a “pro-mayonnaise” vs. “anti-mayonnaise” analysis). Unfortunately, this seemingly failsafe lefty sniping method had an alarming loophole for false positives: conservatives who do not support the President on all of his policies. Poor old republican Senator Chuck Hagel (NE) was incorrectly painted red by the consultant, thrown into the liberal pile based on his views concerning the Iraq war, which do not precisely line up with W’s. If that doesn’t discredit the findings of this investigation, surely the consultant’s conservative ties will squelch any doubt concerning his true motives.

Just today, 16 senators have called for Tomlinson to step down from his position, while media watchdogs have issued separate statements in protest of Tomlinson's cursory selection process for the hiring of a new Chief Executive of the CPB (a decision is expected tomorrow, the leading candidate is former Republican National Committee Co-Chair Patricia de Stacy Harrison).

UPDATE (6/23): Indeed, Patricia de Stacy Harrison was just named the new President of the CPB. Read the announcement here.

Multi Cult-y

Super volunteer Taso alerted me to these Real Audio links for each track of L. Ron Hubbard's album, The Road to Freedom, celebrity vocal lineup included. Listen at your own risk:

"The Road to Freedom" performed by John Travolta, Leif Garrett, Frank Stallone, Lee Purcell
"The Way to Happiness" performed by Leif Garrett, Gayle Moran, Nicky Hopkins
"The Worried Being" performed by Amanda Ambrose
"The Evil Purpose" performed by Frank Stallone
"Laugh A Little" performed by Michael Roberts, Pam Roberts, Margie Nelson
"The Good Go Free" performed by David Pomerantz
"Why Worship Death?" performed by Chick Corea, Julia Migenes
"Make It Go Right" performed by David Pomerantz
"The Arc Song" performed by John Travolta, Karen Black, Jeff Pomerantz, Frank Stallone, Lee Purcell, Gloria Rusch
"L'envoi, Thank You for Listening" performed by L. Ron Hubbard

I'm counting down the days until Hubbard releases a collection of B-sides and unreleased material, as we're obviously missing "Get Famous, Get to Heaven First," "$360 Gs to Salvation," and "(Shout Shout) Get the Aliens Out."

Click here for access to a boatload of mind-control MP3s that are sure to make you obey, including one of L. Ron Hubbard's hits. Or check out this post for an expose on our favorite celebs that roll with L. Ron.

PFFR & Wonder Showzen: More Biting Than the Tics On Grover's Fur

Years ago I picked up an odd-looking CD called Rock, Rocker, Rocketh by a group called PFFR in a 99 cent bin and was curious about who they were; there was a definite post-Butthole Surfers ethic at play with absurd, dark, monsterlike, and potty-fixated songs while utilizing the cheapest in cheapo gadgetry. It became revealed that they were from Brooklyn, and in 2002 released another disc called United We Doth on the Birdman label which quickly became a heavily played FMU hit (some real audio samples from Charlie's show here and Terre T's show here). We almost had them out to play as well, though schedules didn't gel unfortunately, and then the band got busy on producing an MTV2 show.

Well, the show debuted in March, stuffed away into a Friday 9:30pm Eastern slot, and not only is it a more elaborate continuum of what the band sought out to do with its albums, it's one of the most what-the-fuck things to happen on TV since the early Ren and Stimpy shows (I dare say often bypassing South Park in jawdrop factor). Wonder Showzen, written by PFFR's John Lee and Vernon Chatman, is the satanic TV equivalent to Greasy Kid Stuff, and the big fat disclaimer coming on after each commercial break warning to keep your kids away from the set "or else you're a terrible parent" could be damn well some kind of statement to support. The theme song is even a bunch of youngsters singing/taunting: "kids' show...kids' show...change the channel...".

The 911 Operators

Almost everyone agrees, September 11, 2001 was a really lousy day in America. Thousands died horrible and violent public deaths– in airplanes, in burning and collapsing buildings, and by jumping out skyscraper windows. All of us around New York City who watched two of the tallest buildings in the world burn and fall will never forget seeing something macabre and previously unimaginable take place that morning.

It was easy to take it personal around here-- Photocopy posters everywhere bearing the photos of the missing, people spontaneously sobbing on the street on in the subway, and the sick smoldering stench that lingered around here for months. It wasn’t until weeks later that I realized that people all over the country were probably just as affected by the replaying of slickly edited movie-trailer style videos of the day's disasters on television. (You can download and watch a couple mpg versions here and here)

While the smoking hole downtown is gone and most of the mess was cleaned up years ago, the memory remains ugly, distinct, and powerful. And what’s worse, despite Bush’s promise to “smoke” out the “evildoers” responsible for all the American death that day, nobody has been caught or tried for those ghastly crimes. Sure, we were immedietly told the attacks were the work of a vast network known as “Al-Qaeda” led by a guy named Osama Bin Laden. but the billions spent there hasn’t been any fresh leads on capturing these alleged terrorist masterminds since our forces inexplicably let Bin Laden escape from Tora Bora over three years ago.

The FCC Wants You! (to do their dirty work)

In response to public outcry over paid programming messages that air sans sponsorship disclosures, the FCC has decided to rail against payola (click here to read the FCC’s payola factsheet). As with indecency complaints, the feds are relying upon citizens to report suspected violators.

This comes on the heels of a recent investigation of video news releases (VNRs), which are pre-packaged, pre-produced “news” stories (that sometimes employ actors as reporters) supplied to stations by private companies, organizations, or sectors of the government. It was discovered that many stations were airing these announcements unedited and without disclosing their source(s) or sponsors. Read more about VNRs here (PDF).

Mistrust of the news media is reaching new heights among the American public; bolstered by the recent Newsweek retraction and the lack of coverage concerning the Downing Street memo, this bug has even bitten public broadcasting, as NPR and PBS now face content investigations intended to weed out instances of bias. Earlier this week, the Supreme court overruled a 2003 FCC decision that would have allowed large broadcast empires to acquire more TV stations and newspaper companies to purchase broadcast stations (read the article here). Of course, all of this uproar over journalistic integrity and media ownership is diverting the FCC’s precious energy away from their rampage against indecency, and that's fine by us.

Gainsbourg meets Whitney

In honor of the June 30th premiere of Bravo's Being Bobby Brown series, here's a short clip (realvideo download) of pop icon Serge Gainsbourg meeting the future Mrs. B. on a French TV chat show in the late 80's. After the events that transpired here, Gainsbourg would never be invited to appear on live TV again, while Whitney, needless to say, would go on to make Serge's behavior seem pretty fucking sedate in comparison. Funny how the pop biz can be.

Chairman Mao fronting Roxy Music

Thought everyone would enjoy this video clip (realvideo download) of Chairman Mao, inexplicably rising from his deathbed to perform a rather faithful rendition of "Virginia Plain", taking Bryan Ferry's place in Roxy Music. Well, it's not really Chairman Mao, nor Roxy Music, but rather the troupe from the BBC comedy series Big Train, one of the best and weirdest sketch shows to come out of the UK in the late 1990's. Kevin Eldon (Mao) and Mark Heap (Eno) later appeared in the incredible Chris Morris series Jam, and Heap was also a character in the sitcom Spaced which also featured Simon Pegg (the Phil Manzanera of the band) who's also gotten some notoriety for his Shaun of the Dead film last year. Big Train is also worth seeing for no other reason than the sketch where Islamic terrorists kidnap George Martin, who continues to incessently prattle on about his experiences in the studio with the Beatles, even bound and stuffed underneath a transport truck and thrown in a cell. They also recreate the birth of Frankenstein in another skit, with the monster awakening to reveal himself as Kevin Rowland of Dexy's Midnight Runners.

Funding for Public Broadcasting on the Chopping Block

Public television and radio broadcasters may be facing major budget cuts. Yesterday, a House Appropriations subcommittee approved a bill that would chop funding for public TV and radio in half, and relieve the Corporation for Public Broadcasting (CPB) of 25% of their annual budget (UPDATE: as of 6/23, the House has voted to restore the $100 million potential cut to CPB's 2006 budget; the vote will now go to Senate, which is generally more supportive of public broadcasting). Click to read the article.

Although this bill is not yet in its final incarnation, this decision does not bode well for public broadcasters. PBS and NPR have recently been targeted by conservatives: content investigations have been instituted, right-wing commentators have been added to the programming roster, and we won't even go into that whole uproar over the cartoon bunny interviewing a lesbian couple's kids... More on the changing public broadcasting climate available here.

Buffies (First Season)

LINK: Quicktime Movie, 9.7 MB
Every utterance of the word "Buffy" made during the first season of "Buffy The Vampire Slayer," totaling nearly one minute.

It's an artwork by the great Chuck Jones (the Chicago-based aritst, not the also-great animator). Be sure not to miss his Isolation Studies which include audio edits from the TV Show "Loveline" (MP3s) Names, Numbers, No and Yes, Alright, Okay, Goodtimes. There's tons more great stuff to explore including Jones' original MP3s of  State Songs and the bizarre Penguin Rants. Finally, check his series of bizarre links pages starting here.

All About the Benjamins

Comprehensive listing of pop songs (and plenty that are sacred to the underground) featured in TV commercials (tunes are organized first by company name, then by product, THEN song title and artist). Beware: the song links that say "click to sample" actually lead you to the amazon page for purchasing the CD (with links for sampling tracks at the very bottom)...

It really makes me long for the days of ad jingles, when competitors were referred to as "Brand X," and the pre-pharmaceutical marketplace. Now we have product placement embedded within itself. Do you prefer Kraft mayonnaise because you dig Grand Funk Railroad, or are you drawn to Grand Funk Railroad because you think Kraft mayo is tasty?

For Fun And Prophet

Forget the news. Aren’t you sick of all the reports of U.S. torture of foreign nationals, and how our country has been caught red-handed launching an illegitimate war? And who hasn’t had enough of the all the news cycle sucking sideshows– the runaway bride, the Motown Pedophile and the recent revelation of the real “Deep Throat”? It’s all so depressing and messy.

If you’re as distraught about what's going on in the world today as I am, then I may have some good news for you. The saucers may finally be on the way.

That’s right. All the painful political bickering and mind-numbing non-news may soon be reduced to forgotten trivia. The mother of all current events may be on the horizon– first contact.

A man who goes by the name of “The Prophet Yahweh” (a.k.a. “The UFO Summoner,” or just “Ramon Watkins”) claims that over the next few weeks he’s going to call down a bunch of spaceships over Las Vegas, and America, for the news media to film and fawn over. And while it all sounds kinda fantastic, the prophet did offer a taste of his powers to an ABC affiliate in Vegas the other day. And well, whatever happened it’s a pretty wild bit of news video. Download the windows video file here. And to really find out what this holy guy is up to, you can read his press release right here.

30 Seconds Over Deadwood

For those of you go-go types who don't have enough time
for Ken Freedman's brilliant 7 Minutes in Deadwood,
I offer this excerpt from Communication Breakdown #1:
click here for 30 Seconds Over Deadwood (mp3, obscenity-crammed).

Mötley Crüe Drags Indecency to Court

In an unfortunate turn of events, Mötley Crüe has decided to bring the issue of indecency to the courts. The band filed a whiney lawsuit against NBC, who blacklisted the band from appearing on the network ever since frontman Vince Neil let "happy fucking New Year" loose during the New Year's Eve 2004 broadcast of The Tonight Show. Mötley Crüe claims the ban is illegal and seeks damages incurred as a result of it, accusing NBC of censorship in an effort to dodge scrutiny by the FCC.

Although it's high time that the nebulous definition of indecency was tested in the courts, this particular case is not a very strong one. NBC is going to claim that Mötley Crüe violated the network's own internal policies regarding indecency, leaving any FCC-related concerns by the wayside. Not to mention the absurdity of suing a TV station because you weren't invited to appear... Following that line of logic, most of us would have a case against NBC.

We were hoping that both artists and networks would combine their efforts to challenge indecency in the courts, since it's always good for any cause to be backed by a wealthy multi-national media empire or two. Hey, the networks are the ones being fined, so it is definitely in their interest to push the envelope in favor of nailing down a real definition of indecency. For examples of stronger cases that we wish would make it to court in place of the Mötley Crüe suit, read Station Manager Ken's brief history of the FCC's flirtation with fuck by clicking here, or read this post for info on other broadcast incidents worthy of a challenge.

Seven Minutes In Deadwood

The TV show Deadwood has taken the art of cussin' to new heights. Fans of the show are even known as fucknuts. But despite what you may have heard, Deadwood is not all blowjobs, cocksuckers and titlickers. Specifically, in a sample 60 minute episode, 53 minutes of it were 100% curse-free! I painstakingly edited out all the clean phrases and passages from one episode of Deadwood, distilling the show down to its brilliant essence. I now present to you Seven Minutes In Deadwood (mp3, not safe for shit - wall to wall cursing and ethnic slurs). (For fans of the show, this is episode ten of season one, the episode known as Mister Wu.)

Capsular Reviews of Anything 1.0

Murphy’s Law (1986) (edited for TV version)

It is a wonder that I can continue to find points to make about Charles Bronson. He cannot pull off the drunken, washed-up cop, but does deliver some of his best zingers: “Can you count to five?” “Yes” “How ‘bout with no teeth?!?” The forty three year age gap between Kathleen Wilhoite’s Arabella and Bronson’s Jack Murphy make for disturbing sexual innuendos, and in the scoured version, her expletives are replaced with the timeless “Barf Bag!!” and “Dog Snot!!” An odd-couple-on-the-run classic.

Crash (2004) (new Tony Danza vehicle, not Ballard adaptation)

For a preachy, wallowing, disappointing, predictable, Magnolia Jr., this is not bad.

 
Prom Night (1980)

Old men arguing with one another: 97% Actual horror: 3%

DIY Dr. Who Theme

Click here for an interactive Dr. Who theme song generator.

(Dr. Who was the longest running sci-fi series in the history of TV (1963-89), and the BBC just started airing new episodes this year)

via Metafilter

Many Infinite Planets

A very special presentation.
[35 MB QuickTime, 18:30]

A didactic singing alien and "Chip the black boy" team up with James Quall's special Bible voice for this Christian Science kids' show.  Today's lesson includes the Book of Enoch, and the exposition is so absorbing, the Technical Director has a 30-minute-long grand mal.

Just kidding, of course.  His seizures are because he doesn't unbelieve in seizures enough.  He better hit the books.  Also, green is grey.

via Screenhead

Chiller Theatre Expo - Not So Scary (well, maybe) Seen Report

Movies, Toys, washed up tv celebs, full fledged rock stars, idolized actors, people in costume, special effects gurus, bats - real ones, tattoo notaries, magazine publishers, and the dorky collector who only comes out of his cave to collect more crap & then store it in mom's basement (where they still live) - they were all there 3 weeks ago at the Spring 2005 Chiller Theatre Toy, Model & Film Expo in Secaucus. It takes the entire weekend to sift through everything - here's the rundown; I hope you have a hour...  There are several innovative toy manufacturers now, one there was Living Dead Dolls  - a ghoulish twist on the girly doll; pictured here is Redmond Gore, a Teddy Scares creation - cuddly and scary - each bear has it's own bio... Redmond, for instance used to be a bus driver and his favorite color was BLOOD RED. Redmond, of course, is dead. Other vendors there specialized in Nightmare Before Christmas goodies (yes, still), japanese toys; even welded action figures. On to the meat of the show; the dreaded celebrities; Tonya Harding was there, selling ice skates, boxing trunks and I'm sure her mother if you'd take her.

Fuck fest

After an inexplicable absence from the headlines, fuck has resurfaced...

Just today, a news reporter on WCBS in NYC let "What the fuck is your problem, man?!" slip during a live broadcast, after being punk'd by a few XM satellite radio shock jocks. Oh video footage, where art thou? Alas, it must be too soon for the mighty google to retrieve that nugget.

The Canadian Broadcast Standards Council (their version of the FCC) recently ruled against fuck on the radio. FM station CHOM was slapped on the wrist for airing the song “Locked in the Trunk of a Car” by the Tragically Hip during the daytime, which contains the following objectionable lyrics:

Morning broke out the backside of a truck-stop
the end of a line a real, rainbow-likening, luck stop  
where you could say I became chronologically fucked up.

The Simpsons as Described by WGBH

MP3: Simpsons episode with "DVS" audio captioning for blind people.

The other night, I turned on The Simpsons, only to find that the program's audio had a weird narrator describing almost everything that was happening. At first I thought that The Simpsons were parodying the voice-over approach from another Fox show, Arrested Development. It turns out that my broken VCR was picking up an additional audio channel instead of the main one, and in the case of The Simpsons, I was hearing the DVS, or blind captioned version of the show. DVS stands for Descriptive Video Services, and it's the audio equivalent of closed captioning for the deaf. Here's a large MP3 of the DVS version of The Simpsons "Rapture" episode from May 8th (right click to download).

More Disturbing Canadian TV

A bold and innovative television public awareness campaign about domestic violence will not be shown on Calgary television stations due to an unfavourable ruling from the Television Bureau of Canada (TVB). You can watch these public service announcements yourself, but please make the children leave the room first:  Boardroom and Restaurant (right click to download mpg files). Both from the Homefront Mission of Calgary. These two PSAs were deemed to be too graphic to broadcast, according to Canada's Telecaster Guidelines. via Cant Stop The Bleeding.

Do Something Dreadful to Your Television

It's no great secret that TV SUCKS. But the seemingly endless collection of  RealMedia clips housed at TV Ark do a fantastic job of re-writing some local history. Folks who are native to WFMU's broacast area can sort the collection to feature just the New York City material, and will subsequently lose countless hours while plowing through ancient promo clips of 11 Alive's Action News helmet-haired newsteam, Channel 9's Million Dollar Movie intro, Emergency Broadcast System tests, public affairs promo spots, and other wonderfully primitive works of videography. If you listen to WFMU from elsewhere in the country, you can sort the clips for your area with this link. (Via Mr. Science's X818)

Network TV Ready to Rumble

PTC, your days are numbered...

Broadcast giants Fox, CBS, and NBC have all teamed up to create a special interest superpower whose mission is to obliterate government control of TV content.

The group, TV Watch, pulls at the heartstrings of Americans who want the government to butt out of their lives. Finally some real money is being tossed in the ring to fight against tightening indecency standards. Let the games begin...

Inuit Mittatin

Inuit Mittatin is Inuktitut for “That’s Funny” and is also the name of my favorite television show. Airing Thursday nights here in Canada on the Aboriginal Peoples Television Network or APTN, Inuit Mittatin’s official description reads "This program sets out to find the funniest, quirkiest Inuit in the communities of Nunavut. What is so distinct about Inuit humour? What role does humour play in Inuit life?".

If I had to write the blurb it would read “This program is a lunatic Inuit woman running all over the barren north making up songs and inviting us along as she sinks deeper and deeper into dementia”.

If you get APTN, watch this show. If you don’t, I’ve done my best to furnish you with some clips. I had to point my digital camera at my TV so it’s not as HD as possible, but the audio is good. These are all 2-6MB WMV.

The theme.
Trip to hotel. In this clip she travels to a hotel and visits the Queen Elizabeth Suite. The creep showing her around claims the queen stayed here, I’m not so sure. I swear the edit from an offer to see where the Queen drank tea to a shot of the toilet was how it aired.
Stand up comedy. Here we see the ultimate joke, it is both a lawyer joke AND a Newfie joke.
Oh Canada. This lesser sung version of Oh Canada is followed by a brief God Bless America and then what I think was a request for a new chair from the Canadian government.
Cracking eggs. Cracking eggs in front of some kind of studio audience.
Dream sequence. It’s not all fun and games on Inuit Mittatin, they finish every episode with a short soap opera called “As Nunavut Turns For The Passionate and Devious”. We see our host turn thespian in dream sequence featuring bingo and closing doors with feet.

Simpsons MP3 Free-for-all!

More than 100 songs from The Simpsons, organized by season. Get 'em here.

Via Metafilter

The New Wave past of Ricky Gervais

On the Office, David Brent was "a friend first, a boss second, probably an entertainer third", but in real life Ricky Gervais is not only a comedy Renaissance Man, but in 1982 a New Romantic as well.

If your ears are bloodshot...

If these last days of too much talk on WFMU via our fundraiser (thanks, supporters!) have you a little burnt on radio, perhaps you'd like to check out what live music is on the boob tube this week. Listing culled by the punknews site. Check your local listings!

3/22 Queens of the Stone Age on David Letterman (CBS)
3/22 Doves on Jay Leno (NBC)
3/22 The Dears on Carson Daly (NBC)
3/22 Louis XIV on Jimmy Kimmel (ABC)
3/24 Solomon Burke on David Letterman (CBS-R)
3/24 Billy Idol on Jay Leno (NBC)
3/24 Unwritten Law on Craig Ferguson (CBS - R)
3/24 Kings of Leon on Conan O'Brien (NBC)
3/24 Sum 41 on Ellen DeGeneres (SYN)
3/25 Interpol on Craig Ferguson (CBS -R)
3/25 Queens of the Stone Age on Conan O'Brien (NBC)

Ssh…the Children May be Watching!

The BDEA (Broadcast Indecency Enforcement Act), which passed in the U.S. House of Reps last month, has finally reached the senate floor! As predicted by many WFMU clairvoyants, some extra sinewy bones have been added to the original BDEA soup, effectively elevating its caloric value to infarction-triggering heights.

Yes, some silly silly people thought that it would be prudent to not only increase the maximum fine for an indecent broadcast to half a million bucks, but to also extend the FCC’s regulatory shadow far and wide across the nation’s televised landscape. With a snappy title, "Indecent and Gratuitous and Excessive Violence Broadcasting Control Act of 2005," ex-senator Fritz Hollings (D-SC) introduced the bill on Monday, with co-sponsors Kay Bailey Hutchison (R-TX) and John Rockefeller (D-WV) at his side.

If adopted, this new legislation would allow the FCC to regulate violence on TV in addition to the tired rigamarole of sexual and excretory references. As if that weren’t enough, the bill also drops cable and satellite TV into the FCC’s open hands, subjecting these subscription services to the same vague indecency standards in place for normal broadcast stations.

Additionally, the bill instates a barrage of new content warnings (lasting 30 seconds and repeated every 30 minutes of the broadcast!) for programs that walk the decency tightrope, and doubles the current required amount of childrens’ programming. We’re guessing (hoping) that the changes commanded by this bill are far too sweeping to be accepted by the Capitol tastemakers.

Read the text of the IGEVBCA as introduced to the Senate
Click here for an article summarizing the bill

Victory for Towel-Dropping

Yesterday the FCC issued a decision (PDF) on the pre-football commercial in which desperate housewife Nicollette Sheridan attempts to seduce football player Terrell Owens in a locker room by dropping her towel…FCC says: not indecent.

FCC Keeps Hand Out of Cable’s Cookie Jar

After receiving indecency complaints against the program “Nip/Tuck,” which features simulated sex and plastic surgery on the FX cable channel, the FCC ruled that it does not concern itself with putting the smack-down on subscription-based services (i.e., cable TV and satellite radio). The program was found to depict porn of only the soft-core variety, which is not considered obscene, and is therefore protected under the first amendment.

This decision is a bit of good news, as the censorship bug appears to have crawled its way up many a congressperson’s orifice recently. Last week, Senator Ted Stevens (R-Alaska) threatened to impose indecency restrictions upon cable TV and satellite radio through new legislation. The House overwhelmingly passed the Broadcast Decency Enforcement Act (BDEA) last month, which Senator Stevens may modify to extend the FCC’s regulatory umbrella to cover subscription stations. Fortunately, his doing so may actually derail the censorship train, especially since the FCC has just made clear through the “Nip/Tuck” decision that cable does not cut their mustard. We’re hoping that any attempt to make such a sweeping change in the FCC’s power will not be favored by other decision-fakers in Washington.

Shake it, don't break it

Apparently, we’ve come a long way since Elvis made his first TV appearance... Hip shaking is officially ok! In another blow to the illustrious PTC, the FCC has ruled that an episode of the TV show “Angel” depicting the lead character’s hips moving back and forth, was not indecent. In related news, vampire neck-biting combined with heavy breathing is also allowed.

Read the article on CNN

Read the FCC ruling (PDF)

Let the Evil Spore

"Have you heard the song?  It really sucks."

On February 25, 2002, untold bags of Cheetos® in high altitude groceries burst from the sudden decrease in global air pressure brought about by a zillion simultaneous gasps of people realizing the Attorney General of the United States was demonstrably, incontrovertibly batshit fucking bananas.

Now You Don't

TV Piracy on the chopping block

Will the FCC manage, once again, to dictate how TVs are made? A group called Public Knowledge is challenging a new FCC regulation meant to prevent the sharing of TV programs over the internet. The hearings begin in the U.S. Court of Appeals tomorrow.

If the courts side with the FCC, the new rule would require the addition of a “no-no” flag to all digital TVs (and all other consumer electronics that are able to receive these digital signals over the air) made after July 1. This flag would prevent any content from being distributed to non-“no-no” flag compliant devices.

Of course, this won’t prevent the 95% of us who do not own digital TVs from pirating away.

Link to Wired News article.

UPDATE: A law student blogger attended the hearing today (2/22/05) in D.C., and you can read his notes here. According to CNET, 2 out of 3 judges thought the FCC jumped the gun, as they had no approval from congress to implement this change.

Fox Promotes The Cartoon Gay Agenda

Wow, Fox Television has really atoned for its pixillation of Stew's butt (from The Family Guy) with Sunday night's new episode of The Simpsons. Not only was Marge's sister Patty revealed to be gay, she was all set to marry her professional-golfer  / gay lover, when Marge discovered that said golfer was in fact carrying a fully operational cartoon penis! And that doesn't even touch on Homer's brief gay fantasy, in which he passionately and repeatedly tongue kisses himself! What are the Parent's Television Council going to say about this one? Will they include the Homer-Erotic moment on their best-of-filthy-TV page? Download an MP3 of Steinski's Simpsons remix while the PTV wraps its mind around this one.

Grammy Wrap Up

Look at those two on the left. Jesus, is there even a shred of J-Lo's soul left from her deal with the Dark Lord?

One of the so-called highlights from last night's Grammy Awards featured Jennifer and her obviously more talented husband Marc Anthony trapped in what appeared to be the set from Neil Simon's Same Time Next Year. I was imagining that it would've been much more effective if they had performed the same song in one of those dioramas from the Museum of Natural History's Mesozoic exhibits. The tone-deaf Ms. Lopez as the unwitting next meal for a wild boar or a komodo dragon would have surely brought the crowd to their feet. 

I like it best when the Grammy recipients are humble but not apologetic. The group Maroon 5 apologized to fellow nominee Kanye West for winning the Best New Artist award. Siddown, wusses! John Mayer wrote a good song, won Song of the Year, and kind of shrugged there onstage, still trying to convince Columbia record execs that it wasn't a good choice for a single. Gospel rapper Kanye West won for best album and didn't thank Jesus all that much really, but I thanked Jesus for not letting Kanye have his posse onstage with him, which would've been a tight fit anyway with the guy's raging ego and all.

Ray Charles may be cold in the ground but that's not gonna stop Universal from wringing every last drop of publicity they can from his name to sell some more dvds and cds. The Grammy committee made sure Ray won the big awards in the name of love and nostalgia.

There were a few standout baffling moments in the show last night. Melissa Etheridge's baldness was one of them but was later explained by her recent chemo treatments. All the poison therapy in the world couldn't clarify why Ellen DeGeneres was wearing an Iggy t-shirt or who green-lighted that sad excuse for a mash-up musical intro or the embarrassing Tsunami relief group rendition of "Across The Universe", or why Sheryl Crowe is like the Anna Kournikova of music, initially full of promise, now relegated to sucking at the game, dating famous dudes and displaying her abdominal muscles.

As much as we all love the confederate flag, nascar and our weekly Klan meetings, I sure hope last night's seemingly endless Southern Rock tribute featuring Lynyrd Skynyrd closed that hellraiser puzzle box up for another couple of decades at least.

I liked when Loretta Lynn and Jack White won for Best Country Album. Either I missed the winners for the "alternative" categories because I was switching back and forth between Arrested Development to catch Liza Minelli and The Surreal Life to see Chyna and Marcus Schenkenberg or maybe that part of the awards just wasn't shown on t.v. Oh, hell, I really didn't care about seeing Wilco accept awards especially since they beat out The Shins' Chutes Too Narrow for Best CD Packaging, so screw those guys!

Pepper's Passion

Damn, it’s late. I had no idea it was so late until I turned the TV on and saw The Knife Collector’s Show.  The Knife Collector’s Show, for those of you who HAVEN’T seen it, is  - simply put - one of the finest shows on TV today. It’s part of the Shop at Home or Home Shopping Network or something. It’s a very simple concept: two lunkhead guys try to sell you knives, all night long (the show airs in my neighborhood from 2 AM to 4 AM). They set knives up on turntables and hawk ‘em like there’s no tomorrow. And that’s their job. Over and over, set up knives, cut some paper, whirl some “katanas” around and move the damn stock. But - as with all things in life - it’s the WAY they do it that makes it art.

These guys don’t just come out and show you a knife, tell you the price and flash a phone number on the screen. Oh no. That’s for chumps. They PACKAGE their knives in elaborate sets. Most feature ten to as many as THIRTY knives with some unifying theme: they’re “tactical folders”, they have Kraton handles, they’re military-style, etc. I’m still not sure who needs thirty “tactical folders” but if YOU do and hate to spend more than $3.33 each, then call right now and pay only $99.95 for the whole “Kit & Kaboodle” (that’s the name of the set). BUT WAIT - THERE’S MORE! Howsabout thirty nylon sheathes with Velcro closures and belt-loops? Howsabout this three-sword Samurai-inspired set, thrown in for good measure?

Howsabout Mr. Charm yelling a variation of the following at you OVER AND OVER again:  WE ONLY HAVE 150 OF THESE SETS RIGHT NOW SO CALL THE NUMBER ON THE SCREEN AND GET IN ON THIS AMAZING DEAL!!!  The guys on The Knife Collector’s Show especially like the big knives (insert own joke here). They bring out the sheath, some huge piece of leather, and ooh and ahh like kids with Pokemon cards. My favorite set so far is “Pepper’s Passion”. Pepper is the hot blonde chick on the show. You don’t see her face very often but her midriff is always bared and makes it into more than a few shots whenever she tries to duplicate what the two guys do in their presentations.

She was in the background just now, picking up a big Bowie knife, trying to STAB it down in the middle of one of the turntables on which they display the knives. The turntables are ALWAYS moving, rotating clockwise to show the knives off to best effect, and Pepper was trying to STAB this huge Bowie into the center. She couldn’t do it. She couldn’t STAB hard enough to get the knife tip into the wood. She tried it three times, to off-camera encouragement, but the Bowie would stick for a minute then topple over, scattering smaller knives as it went. I was fearful one of the knives would FLY off the turntable and strike Pepper - but the camera cut away fast before she could truly hurt herself.

People are ALWAYS getting cut and stabbed on The Knife Collector’s Show. Last night, the weasely guy (Shawn) set up all these folding knives on the turntable, pulling the blades out to a 90-degree angle and setting the handles down with the blade sticking straight up. It’s a pretty interesting site, all the knives going around in endless circles. But then Shawn stabbed himself in the arm accidentally when he reached across the turntable. He recoiled instantly, yelled “Oww!”, then quickly added, “That hurt!”. Then he could be seen rubbing his elbow. “That was a good one!” he added, before throwing in the “ballistic nylon” sheath. Some day someone will get seriously INJURED.

Occasionally, the guys on The Knife Collector’s Show get real testy with each other. Tonight, the fat guy with the real low Southern-accented “aw shucks” voice (O'Dell) jumped in on Shawn who got a little miffed, even mentioned it on the air. After O'Dell did his schtick about how the Samurai set comes with a light layer of a rust-preventative called “Cosmoline” on it’s carbon steel blades, Shawn - dripping contempt - said, “Actually, I told them that already. But thanks for helping me out, BUD. You just jump in there any old time you like.”

The Knife Collector’s Show goes out live, from somewhere below the Mason-Dixon line, I believe. I'm not positive but I’m betting they’re in Tennessee. I imagine them in a TV studio buried deep in a mountainside, protected against all threats by an army of expert swordsmen. They see to it The Knife Collector’s Show stays on the air despite any threats.  But no one would ever dream of doing away with The Knife Collector’s Show. Let’s face it, guys like knives: they’re phallic and they’re WEAPONS! Sometimes, I try to picture the dude that’s awake somewhere at 3 AM, buying THIRTY knives with a MasterCard - then I get REAL scared.

I’m going to go put a layer of Cosmoline on my carbon steel blades, then hit the hay. It’s easy these days: I just close my eyes and try to count all those tactical folders as they rotate on the turntable, circling around and around and around and around and around....  (Thanks to funkycarter.com for the clip!)