December 09, 2005

This Week in Sex: Cut and Paste

I just got home from my company non-denominational winter holiday you-have-to-go-unless-you're-dead-or-dying party. Here's the dirt:

  • The fiance of someone I work with was just circumcised so they can have a good old-fashioned Jewish wedding (complete with panty check--I didn't know that was part of it, but I'm Catholic). I wouldn't tell the whole world about his penis, except I also found out it will be covered in our local paper, so you can read all about it yourself in the wedding section in March. At the party, a friend and I realized that this fiance could answer the question we were debating: who has more sexual pleasure, the cut guy or the uncut guy? Also, I admire the fiance, but if someone said "let's get married, but before we do that, let's cut the tips of your tits off," well, I don't know if I have the capacity to love that much.
  • A guy I work with was circumcised at age 11. His parents said, "Hey, let's go to the doctor's office and just talk to him about it." When they got there, they said, "Hey, while we're here, let's have the doctor have a look." When the kid's pants were down, they said, "Hey, let's chop off the top of your penis." Then they injected his little boy penis with two needles full of anesthetic, pulled the foreskin out, clamped it, and sliced it off while he watched. He hollered during that last part.
  • The parents of a guy I work with want him to try to convince his younger brother to get circumcised. The brother is sixteen.
  • I think circumcision is barbaric. Don't tell me it's hygienic, like your thingy is gonna fester and fall off because you can't wash under a little flap of skin. Lady junk is all flaps of skin and we do ok.
  • It's not so easy to enjoy your meal while talking about genital mutilation. But great party!

Vasectomypic11_3Turns out getting a vasectomy looks like a worm being yanked out of the ground by a bird, if that bird had a long, pointy, silver tweezer-beak.

Jewelry made of bits of Barbies means a Barbie butt bracelet.

Furniture made like body parts means fugly-ass furniture. via metafilter.com/tags/sex

Statue with business end exposed in shop window is means bad art with lots of talk about it. P.S. Statue is a table pedestal. Please stop doing that with the naked bodies and the furniture and all.

Continue reading "This Week in Sex: Cut and Paste" »

December 02, 2005

This Week in Sex: Baby, It's Cold Inside

Snowdick_1Station manager Ken forwarded me an email from the Netherlands which said: "Could you slip this to Amanda?"

Sounded great, until I found out "this" was a giant icy penis with its own parking space. Cold, people, cold.

The email continued:  "I think this one will fit nicely in her most informative blog."

(Editor's note: The pic purportedly ran in a leading Dutch newspaper, and blog is the Dutch word for...something giant penises fit nicely into.)

Grandmaster of Iron Crotch Tu Jin-Sheng pulled a rental truck around a parking lot a couple times with his penis. I don't know why it is important that the truck was a rental.

There oughta be a law. There is, and it is the best law ever. A judge in Fond du Lac, Wisconsin, makes guys who get busted for peeing in public apologize in public--in a letter to the editor in the Fond du Lac Reporter. For example, Michael Huebner of Madison, Wisconsin, wrote: "I am so terribly sorry for urinating outside of a public place in your city. It was not a very intelligent thing to do." Amen! You could revitalize certain dormant political parties with this stuff.

Ads1_1Things you didn't know you needed to worry about. Your labia should be tan, but your anus should not, especially if you want to "keep your bum-hole looking younger." If I could see it, maybe I would care more.

mp3s of radio commercials for schlocksploitation movies. This is the best thing I am slipping you this week, so go check it out at toestubber.

Continue reading "This Week in Sex: Baby, It's Cold Inside" »

December 01, 2005

Oh My God, You Don't Know What You TOOK?

TongueI was watching the Brian Turner / WFMU-curated episode of NY Noise the other night, and up comes this Public Service Announcement from the Bad Council (who've actually done some cool things - remember The Crying Indian (RM video link)? One of theirs).  Two little kids are having diner dinner with Dad, who's clearly got a scar on his ear where once hung an earring.  The announcer says something to the effect of "your dad had an earring back in the day when only bikers and hippies had earrings" (the dude's only like 30, but whatever).  "And you know what bikers and hippies had in common?  The Drugs."  The remainder of the hour was filled with similarly snarky anti-drug messages from the same source, like the dad who rolls himself up in the rug and tells his daughter he's a joint.  Relating, you know.  A bunch of grownups desperately trying to convince their kids they're hip to the now scene, while maintaining a just-say-no message. 

One of my duties here at the so-called Magic Factory is serving as Public Service Announcement Director, so if some organization's got an anti-drug campaign, they're sending their material to me.  Mostly it's dreadful.  Mostly it's the former mayor of Hillsborough or some such place politely suggesting the kids find something else to do: "Hey kids, my anti-drug is politics!" - in astoundingly low fidelity.  But not the Bad Council!  They're F-U-N!  Sometimes.  No, mostly not.  Here's all the fun ones, enjoy.Eagle

(mp3s) A-B-C-D-PCP...  |  Baa Baa Black Sheep  |  Humpty Dumpty

These here all cleverly update some of your favorite nursery rhymes, while the ones that follow get a little more "very special episode" on you:

(mp3s) You Wanna... y'know?  |  You Don't Know What You Took?!

Now let's go back to 1973, when Bill Cosby actually did this kind of thing pretty well (RM link to Kenny G's show). "The Dopepusher" (alright, the chorus blows -- but those shouted verses are great!)

And finally, don't forget: Daddy drinks because you cry.  (mp3)

November 18, 2005

Erotic Aerobics MP3s

Eroticaerobics_1I figured I would complete today's triumvirate of smut here on the FMU Blog by posting MP3s for my favorite exercise record, Erotic Aerobics. But don't get the wrong idea about this material- just because these tracks have titles like  Fan Dance or Pelvic Pleasures (mp3s), and contains lines like "Get down on all fours" and "Open your thighs wide," this ain't no collection of audio pornography. This is classy stuff! For one thing, our Aerobics Caller here is Pierre Raymonde, who is French or at least pretends to be. And French is classy, (or at least it was when this LP came out, in 1982). And Pierre's not exhorting over some cheap wikka-wikka-wikka porno music, he's using classical music! Need I say more? I will anyway. Rull yooor eeps.

Breathing Warm Ups  |  Body Manipulations  |  Kinky Chorus Kick and Flash  |

Turn And Tease Me  |  The Strippers Strut  |  Sensual Warmups  |  Pelvic Pleasures

Lover's Lunge  |  The Shameless Shake  |  Fan Dance

This Week in Sex: Trashbox

Danbooru1122329322lunamariafiguresemenonPull up a chair and make yourself comfortable, because we've got a big sticky wad of smut for you this week. Make sure you grab a handywipe on your way out.

Plug and play.
Momma's got a squeeze box, and it's the iBuzz plug-in that syncs up a vibrator to the beat of the music on your iPod. (Handywipe, please.) Wanna visit the Iorio International Accordion Museum? Me too. [via boingboing]

What not to wear:

  • If anything will make you keep it in your pants, it's boxers with HIV on them. [via popgadget]
  • You can wear teeny condoms, but you better not talk about it unless you are Enrique Iglesias. You know, you probably shouldn't talk about it either, Enrique.
  • Backless panties: perfect for lady plumbers.Blrg_hiv_3
  • Furry, heated wonder bra is supposed to reduce energy consumption, but it will never be made or worn, so never mind.
  • Imagine how hot super-long socks are to people who think plain old regular socks are hot.
  • Can't have too many novelty aprons, Dad. Now go carve some turkey.

Continue reading "This Week in Sex: Trashbox" »

YOU! You're The One! - McDonald's Memories

Mcd1
When I was younger I had quite a germ phobia. I was very paranoid about McDonald’s workers doing awful things to my Quarter Pounders. If I developed a cold I always blamed it on the McDonald’s I ate a few days prior, convinced that if it wasn’t a booger wiped upon my burger then someone must have sneezed on it.

I was already in the habit of checking for foreign matter hidden in my food before eating it and it came as no surprise to me when I found a great scraggly tuft of pubic hair between bun and burger, congealed with ketchup and diced onions. Disgusted, I did not eat McDonalds for quite a while.

Peggy Lee - McDonald's Theme Song (mp3)

April was the month that the carnival came to town. It was the best week of the year. It was the first breath of warm weather and the first opportunity to roam around, talk to girls and vandalize property with pentagrams and anarchy signs.

The carnival was held in the park across the street from McDonald’s. We made frequent trips there for hamburgers and vanilla shakes. Around this time, all of my friends liked to try to regurgitate on command…but I did it the best. In an attempt to be funny and impress a girl, I puked up the whole $2 I just spent on fries and a milkshake, spattering it on the parking lot in a frothy white mess. She wasn’t impressed.

Main Street Singers - McDonald's Theme Song (fries version) (mp3)

Continue reading "YOU! You're The One! - McDonald's Memories" »

November 17, 2005

They Called Her Mrs. Bowie

Angiebowie Don't worry, fabulous space-kittens, this isn't an R.I.P. post. Angie Bowie is alive and well, hanging out with pals like Xaviera Hollander and Mick Karn, and writing pocket books about bisexuality.

In fact, here's a cool interview with the lady with some great pictures. Better yet, you MUST see Angie in a leotard thong, with giant press-on nails and a *ahem* handsome escort in these incredible videos!

November 11, 2005

This Week in Sex: Random Acts of Smut

New sex poll says Americans Bulgarians Indians South Africans Kiwis Aussies Malaysians Singaporeans Canadians Chinese college students Greeks have sex. Or not.

20845_1You're fired. Scooter Libby's dirty thriller The Apprentice is being reissued, but the good parts are already dog-eared here.

Really Cool Adult Movie Posters of the 60s and 70s, when X-rated meant something, and that something was way less graphic and way more graphically interesting than any beer ad today. P.S. Who knew the Inkspots had a porn career?

Remember your gay hankie codes? If you need to brush up, they're here.

In my world, farting is mostly funny, rarely sexy. Further confirmation we do not live in my world.

"Some penises I have known": a sculpture for sale on eBay. My epic novel Some Dicks I Have Known is still in progress, but you can option it.

Pj_originalcans"What's next? Sambo ham sandwiches and Ku Klux Klan juice?" said the Rev. Paul Scott, a  leader in the national boycott campaign against rapper Nelly's energy drink Pimp Juice. With all due respect, I think the Reverend was over-reacting--there's about as much chance of a Sambo sandwich as there is a rapper named Nelly hitting the charts. Word is that Pimp Juice "tastes like a mixture of semen and urine," appropriately packaged in can that suggests exactly that. It's been around since 2003 and is available internationally, but I've never seen it here in Brooklyn, which makes me think the target market is suburban ravers. (It glows in the dark.)

Continue reading "This Week in Sex: Random Acts of Smut" »

November 08, 2005

Helpless Man Femdom Art

FemdomFemdom Art - Drawings of little men with their heads stuck in the cracks of big bottomed ladies. (nsfw)

November 07, 2005

Bellydancers & Harem Girls!

Belly181Bellydancers and Harem Girls -- A Historical/Cheesecake Gallery

...a fantastic archive of historical bellydance photos- from nudie postcards to Hollywood starlets. My favorite is this spellbinding swollen siren.

The Prelinger Collection at Archive.org has a corpulent collection of old stripper film reels.

And while we're at it, we can't leave out The Metal Goddess Bellydancers who gyrate to the sounds of Ozzy and Twisted Sister. Oggle at their videos!

November 04, 2005

This Week in Sex: Sucktastic

Duel3_1Last week in sex:

  • Recycle your holiday pumpkins into sex toys. Big, orange, un-sexy sex toys. (How will the diy sex toy people recycle christmas trees?)
  • Check out what dildos went as for Halloween, and what the dildos did before that.
  • Dirty laundry update: Last week we told you about vagina underwear (specifically, we told you not to wear it). This week it's frozen ground beef panties. Again, we ask you not to wear them, and we are backed up by the federal government (finally, some support here!) because the beef may have been contaminated with E. coli. Hats of Meat, however, are still tasteful and fashion-forward, wear well in the winter, and should be fine long as you don't get them near the dirty meat panties.

Last century in sex: U.S troops in London in WWII no match for "young sluts." But really, who is?

051103133050Color me horny. "Adult" paint by numbers, which is good because I don't understand the letters on that site. But that's OK, because the pictures are in the universal language of porn.

Necklace_large_doubleNip/tuck. Do dogs know when they've been de-balled? I don't know if ball-replacement surgery helps, but having your owner wear a necklace with fake balls on it has to be a downer when you are trying to be a stud on the dog run.

Belly dancers. I'm not going to make fun of the 7th Annual Women's Belly and Womb Conference, where we will learn to love and know the power in our bellies and celebrate the magic of our womb today. As conference organizer ALisa (sic) Starkweather puts it, "Belly and Womb. Belly and Womb. You've got to know what's down in there. Belly and Womb. Belly and Womb. You've got to heal what you think you can't bear. Belly and Womb. Belly and Womb. Listen to your body. She speaks what's true. Belly and Womb. Belly and Womb. Honor the wisdom deep in you."  I'm listening to my belly and she wants to hurl. I'm going to honor that wisdom.

You're in trouble. They call it Urine Gone, but Urine Trouble would have been better. Order it "as seen on tv" and you get a black-light stain detector as seen on tv shows like CSI. And if you don't know why I mention this in a sex post, you aren't thinking about how gross/fun it would be to play detective in a motel room with that thing.

A blog of their own. Salon started a blog for the ladies, and lady-readers must be majorly pms-ing 'cause they HATE it. Maybe after a few days, a few pints of Ben and Jerry's, and a handful of Advil, they'll chill. One lady thinks it's "astoundingly sucktastic" to find some weird or funny or interesting tidbit in the news, add snarky comments, call it a blog, and think anyone besides your friends would care. Yeah. Right. OK. Are we meeting at the movies later? Call me! Bye! 

[You have to sit through an ad to get to Salon. Sucktastic!]

thanks to Corinna and SM Ken

November 02, 2005

Mike Bloomberg's Cartoon Handjob

Bushbloombergad_2New York mayoral wannabe Freddy Ferrer recently released an animated campaign ad (in jibjab style) which depicts mayor Mike Bloomberg giving a cartoon handjob to Dubya. The ad is available from Ferrer's site (it's the one called "Buddies") but in the event that they take it down, I've posted it here as well (mov file for download).

What's interesting is that in the fallout from the ad, The New York Times failed to mention what made the ad so controversial in the first place. It's the cartoon handjob, stupid!

But the Times' myopia pales next to the question of what exactly constitutes a cartoon handjob. Some experts contend that the ad doesn't depict a handjob at all. In the ad, Bloomberg reaches his well-moneyed hand over to Dubya's crotch and rubs it, eliciting Dubya to grin and kick his heels. But Bloomberg's hand never actually penetrates Bush's trousers, which technically speaking, makes the act frottage, not a handjob. But different rules apply to the world of cartoon sexuality. Things have been so quiet here at the cartoon sexuality desk that all the frottage in the world would not awaken our cartoon sexuality editors from their slumber, so we may never know the answer.

For me, the most offensive part of the ad is not the handjob, but Ferrer's campaign slogan: Fernando Ferrer. He's not like Mike. He's more like you. Ferrer's slogan writers clearly owe royalties to Andy Breckman, who penned the WFMU slogan, Helping listeners like you become less like you.

October 30, 2005

Bizarre, Smutty Video from LTK Commune

Ltk4_2If the People's Republic of China still has military designs on Taiwan, they might want to first check out the latest video from the Taiwanese political novelty band Loh Tsui Kweh Commune (Download .mov movie file). After a visual checklist of internationally-accepted rock cliche's (devil horns, stage diving, guitar smashing, keyboard histrionics, etc), the band (also known as LTK and LTK Commune) gets down to business with the old chainsaw-up-the-butt gag. (Did I mention the video's complete absence of work-safeness?) But LTK doesn't stop there.

Ltk2_1Before finally getting down with Buddhah, the band engages in male lactation fantasies and inexplicable product-positioned prostate exams. All in all, a bizarre and wondrous Asian smutfest, full of highly entertaining imagery, much of which would be scandalous here, but which is apparently A-OK for that haven of free-speech, Taiwan. via del.icio.us/video

October 28, 2005

This Week in Sex: Tricks and Treats

Makesign1Ah, Halloween, time to mix the sacred and the profane, or if you're lazy like me, just go with the usual profanity. But if you want to get sacred, you can make your own church sign. Trust me, it's extremely satisfying--without the danger, guilt, and eternal damnation of church vandalism. Plus you can get your sign in fridge-magnet form, suitable for doling out to cranky kids who would actually rather have a fistful of fun-sized Kit-Kats or edible anatomical treats. [via]

Fun and (mind) games. Is she really going out with him? Love Cubes, the 1972 board game by the great Martin "Boring Postcards" Parr, is now online. Click on each member of a boy-girl couple to find out if they, uh, click. Take a Sex ID test courtesy of the BBC (only if you are at work and have nothing else to do). Make a sacred hula hoop. (Honestly, I can't think of any reason why you would do this. If you really need a hula hoop, buy one--it just won't connect you to the universe as well as the sacred kind.)

What not to wear. Let's start with boob scarves. Please don't wear boob scarves. No, vagina underwear. Please, please don't wear vagina underwear. No, wait, definitely don't wear a penis costume to a homecoming dance. Giant-inflatable-penis-boy got suspended and slapped with a sexual harassment citation. His parents, while agreeing he made a "poor decision," think he should have been cut some slack as this was his first offense for wearing a giant inflatable penis costume to a homecoming dance.

iPorn. Porn producers way into video iPod. Porn producers not that into video iPod. Oh, you silly porn producers, stop teasing us.

The biggest turn-off ever. Naked people sheets.

Lost in translation. I don't know what the captions say, but the pictures here are good enough that you can make up your own. Where can you register for a matching salt and pepper/dildo set?

MekSex. A site about sex and machines. By Sandy Beach, the inventor of the Tickling Machine, Fancy Panties, the Portable Tickling Machine, and the Invisible Tickling Machine, and Author of Sweet Agony, a novel featuring (you guessed it) tickling, and the nylon jersey fabrics used for women's evening wear in the 70's, particularly Qiana, and slinky bell bottom pants made by designers like Manning Silver, Rina, Funky and Estievo (didn't see that part coming, did you?). I heart Sandy Beach.

Hump day(s). A driver in the United Arab Emirates was sentenced to three months in jail for repeatedly having sex with a camel, who the driver said he had fallen in love with. The camel's sentence was a one-way ticket to the slaughterhouse, since its meat is now tainted by driver spunk.

It's a crime. No, not camel-humping in the United Arab Emirates. Teen sex in Kansas. And now homo-teen sex in Kansas is just as criminal as hetero-teen sex. That's progress, my friends. The Kansas Supreme Court ruled unanimously that Matthew Limon, now 23, will not have to spend 17 years behind bars for consensual sex a week after his 18th birthday with another male teenager. And for that we're grateful. We're also grateful that I didn't make a "not in Kansas anymore" joke. Because a lot of people are still in Kansas.

October 21, 2005

"...and other attactive & dynamic women..."

Cremedelafemme_1Because the now-defunct Aerial View somehow made it into a directory of talk radio shows, I'm constantly getting e-mail from PR firms about stupid shit like this:

*   Are you a man who places Great Value on his free time?

**Are you tired of going to lounges/clubs and having to compete with trust fund kids and starving actors for the attractive, intelligent women that really want to meet YOU?

*** What is a list of new business contacts and new friends worth to you?

As a man who works 70+ hours a week on Wall St,and who answered YES to the above question, I created Creme de la Femme for men like us. It is a new and exciting organization that is dedicated to bringing NY's elite together. Every other month, we hold parties at some of NYC's best lounges and clubs, where our network of doctors, bankers, lawyers and entrepreneurs get to meet pre-selected models, actresses and other attractive and dynamic women in a non club-like setting. We are NOT a dating service, but rather, a networking service, where our proprietary database enables our members to attend our events and potentially meet new friends or business contacts and yes, even a "significant other." In short, we are the perfect meeting place for successful men (ages 25-45) who don't have the time to go out to clubs and bars 5 nights a week and want to use their free time to meet the most attractive and friendly women in NYC.

If this is something that interests you, please respond back with a bit of information about you and a photo or 2, as we pride ourselves on pre-selecting ALL members, not just our beautiful women. All information will be kept in the strictest confidence, and further information will be sent upon receipt.

Is your skin crawling yet? Speaking of which, Creme de la Femme sounds like a feminine hygiene product, no? LATE BREAKING NEWS: It IS a feminine hygiene product! Perhaps you can come up with a better name for a service that hooks "successful men" up with "attractive and friendly women"?

This Week in Sex: Magic

David Copperfield to 'magic' girl pregnant onstage--'magic' meaning to knock her up without physical contact. If he couldn't 'magic' his way into a girl's pants in high school, why should it work now? He should try to 'magic' me interested in his magic.

Simplesex_zoom_1Doggy style. Meat-flavored condoms for dogs didn't work, surprisingly. Dog owners were left with pregnant puppies after dogs ate the condoms.

Birds do it, bees do it, single celled placozoans under seas do it.
Even the world's simplest animals have sex. But you're still not getting any. You and David Copperfield.

And animals in art do it. The Kinsey Institute gallery in Indiana is having a show called "Passionate Creatures" about animal imagery in erotic art. I didn't know we were allowed to exhibit such things any more, even though the art and objects are from the past 2,000 years, so at some point somebody must have been OK with it.

Sixth Dalai Lama: poet/playa.

Continue reading "This Week in Sex: Magic" »

October 19, 2005

Distended Fertile Guts Bubble Over As Big Meaty Hooves Fondle Ripe Udders Slipping Out Of Flirtatious Finery

FurballProject P (NSFW) is an odd fetish site dedicated to digitally morphing porno photos of women into pregnant animals.

Furball Gallery
Hugies Gallery (no animal morphs here! Just plain old digitally morphed gigantic bellys!)

The site also offers fantasy stories and short animated movie clips.

October 13, 2005

W.C. Fields and International House

My wife Elisabeth is the curator in our home of all things I refer to (sometimes derogatorily) as "old timey":  The Beau Hunks, Betty Boop cartoons, bluegrass music, The Marx Brothers, vintage children's books, the Carter Family, and all films pre-1950.  Not that I don't sometimes take to these things as well, but I go reluctantly, as my aesthetic nerve center draws me elsewhere by nature.  I am often, however, pleasantly surprised after an initial pooh-poohing.

Wc_fieldsHer latest addition to our collection of things from the "bygone era" is the W.C. Fields Comedy Collection - a 5-disc DVD set that's rapidly winning me over.  First, we watched The Bank Dick (1940), Fields' much-heralded surreal comedy about a hapless, boozing idiot who falls into, out of, and back into good luck.  I suddenly realized where the template for bizarre, free-associated stream of comedy like The Simpsons might have come from.  "Has, uh, Michael Finn been in here today?" Fields asks the bartender, a signal to slip a mickey to Snoopington, the bank inspector.

I wasn't, however, prepared for International House (1933), a wild cinema burlesque of bits, sight gags, risqué jokes and bare skin.  International House is a hotel comedy set in "Wu-Hu, China" -  a precursor to films like California Suite, where big names in idiosyncratic roles hold together a film that's actually about almost nothing. 

A certain Doctor Wong (played by a very un-Chinese Edmund Breese), has invented a cumbersome device called the Radioscope, which displays visual transmissions from all over the world and "needs no broadcast station; no carrier waves are necessary."  Genius!  What a great way to bankrupt the television networks that didn't yet exist.  Interested parties converge on the International House to place their bids on the new device.  Dr. Wong keeps promising, "And now, the six-week bicycle race!" but instead, we see:

Reefer_1_2-Cab Calloway and His Harlem Maniacs doing "Reefer Man":  "Why, what's the matter with this cat here?" "He's high." "What do you mean he's high?" "Full of weed."

Rose_marie-Baby Rose Marie (eek!) performing "My Bluebird's Singing The Blues."  Yes, that's Rose Marie, later of The Dick Van Dyke Show.  She was even scarier as a kid, and at first glance I thought she may have been a midget.  Must be seen to be believed.

-Rudy Vallee singing a smarmy, religious-themed love song (and being rightly trounced by Fields, who enters the room mid-song:  "How long has this dog fight been going on?")  Fields bad-mouthed Vallee intentionally, violating an agreement between Vallee and director A. Edward Sutherland, who had promised to keep Fields' comments on a leash.

-Colonel Stoopnagle and Budd, a dry-as-parchment duo of radio satirists, presenting sight gag inventions, and the bizarre slogan "Stoopnocracy is Peachy."

Continue reading "W.C. Fields and International House" »

October 03, 2005

Things to Think and Do

Things to Think and Do

Hello, Everybody—Nice seeing you again.

I accidentally got a job writing fiction once. It was a pretty good job, and it paid pretty well, but the problem was that I’d never written fiction before and I wasn’t sure how to do it. Up until then, all I’d written were true stories of my real life, which apparently someone had mistaken for being fictional, but weren’t. (Of course, now that I know more about serious literary writing, I understand that it’s all pretty much just thinly disguised autobiography anyway, but at the time I didn’t know that.) So anyway, I panicked, and then I read that George Saunders—one of my favorite writers ever—was teaching up at Syracuse, so I wrote to him and asked him if he would teach me writing in a sort of freelance tutoring, don’t-tell-the-University way. He said no, of course, but he was very nice about it. As far as my writing job went, it turned out not to matter too much anyway. And George Saunders is still one of my favorite authors, so I was very happy when Dr. Colby asked if I wanted to go see an adaptation of Pastoralia at P.S. 122 on Saturday.

Pastoralia
We did go, and we had a jolly time. The story, about a guy who works as a caveman reenactor at a failing theme park, makes a fine play. I haven’t had the chance to go back and reread it, but it seemed to me that director Yehuda Duenyas did a nice job of adapting it for the stage. All the technical stuff was good, and Michael Casselli’s sets and Kirstin Tobiasson’s costumes were excellent. I don’t go to plays very often because so much of the acting just annoys the crap out of me, but these actors didn’t, and both Aimee McCormick, who plays Janet, and Ryan Bronz, who plays Ed, were outstanding. Bronz conveyed so much with just his facial expressions, which can’t be easy when you’re wearing a caveman unibrow headband. He’s no Kim Myung Min, but he’s very, very good—although it might not be so successful in a bigger theater where you couldn’t see him right up close. Pastoralia is in the wee little theater space on the 9th St. side of P.S. 122 through next weekend, and I recommend that you see it if you get the chance.

Here are some other things I’m looking forward to doing to fill time until I get my Hepatitis shots and ship out for Louisiana:

Continue reading "Things to Think and Do" »

September 30, 2005

This Week in Sex: Dumbass 'R' Us

LightbulbButt wait, there's more. A list of things people put up their butts. The medical term for this kind of person: dumbass.

(May I ask where you get a frozen pig's tail? I'm just curious. But not stick-it-up-my-butt curious.)

(I am also curious about "kangaroo tumor." I know I'm not the only one who thinks that's hot. There's at least that one other person.)  [via]

Don't you wish the internet came with instructions? Well, it does. Grab a pen, listen up, and take notes for future reference (mp3).

Take it off all over again.
Strippers are back in New Orleans at the recently reopened Déjà Vu club on Bourbon Street. There are no tourists around, but there are plenty of police, firefighters and military personnel, which makes stripping and violating curfew "a public service."

Putting sex on the map.
The Museum of Sex is Mapping Sex in America, and you can stick your little pushpin in it. Head to the MoSex site, click on the state where you did or thought or saw the deed, write it down, and regret using your real name.

BigsquidThey found that giant squid nobody believed attacked Captain Nemo in "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea," which you will remember was both a memoir of the famous expedition and a documentary movie. The squid doesn't look that giant. But what's the deal with that giant finger? Don't point that thing at me.

Most turkeys are bisexual. And other impressive true scientific happy hour facts I did not make up. (Also useful as tension-breakers at the family Thanksgiving dinner.)

Why buy when you can rent sex toys?

Don't you wish masturbation came with instructions? Well, it doesn't, but it comes with a thesaurus. And a hands-free option.

Good night. Sleep tight. Don't let the bed bugs stab you in the abdomen. Or seal your vaginal opening with a mating plug. I hate when that happens.

Collect them all. Snuggly syphilis makes bedtime fun! You're gonna love gonorrhea!
(venereal diseases and more thanks to Station Manager Ken)
 

Pox_1Clap_1

September 23, 2005

This Week in Sex: Sex Ed

Sex isn't all fun and games, you know. Actually, it's mostly no fun and games. Which is why we bring you the Back to School edition of This Week in Sex. Take your hands out of your pockets and get learning, Junior.

Inthebeg1937_00150000_3Mommy, Daddy, where did the controversy about sexual education come from? Apparently, from this boring 1947 film. You can watch the movie, or just look at the thumbnails featuring a deeply suspicious dad. I prefer the Department of Agriculture sex ed film that takes the sex Ed Wood approach: if you like stock footage, a swelling soundtrack, and rabbit C-sections, this is the film for you.

Movie Club. If you just want to watch something dirty, which I know you do, there are about a kajillion other old  films on the Internet Archive, plus a handy subject index. They have non-sex stuff, too. Actually, it's mostly non-sex stuff. I just don't pay attention to it.

Biology 101. What's inside your boobs? I'm not really sure, but it's disturbingly glowy.

Career Counseling. You say you want to be in radio, but the results of your assessment test say you would make a great Hooters Girl. Congratulations!  Please take your Suntan-colored pantyhose and a copy of your Hooters Handbook, and remember that being sexually harassed is part of the job. (The pantyhose and the sexual harassment parts are just like radio, so don't be too disappointed.)

Linguistics. This guy spent a whole lotta time researching and thinking and writing about about the word cunt. (Whereas I just spent a whole lotta time watching the cunt circus.)

Science Fair. "How many angels fit on the head of a pin?" is a question for theologians, but "How many condoms fit on the head of a penis?" is one we can really wrap our hands around. And by "we" I mean the Science Project geeks, who I hope keep up the good work. A+.

RitapicCosmology. If you think God is being a big dick with this weather, you're right. Rita looks like a big phallus. But if you think Katrina looks like a big fetus, and that means the storm is God's way of punishing us, you're wrong. Plus you're being a big dick.

Community Service. It's not porn, it's charity: make a donation to Katrina relief and see pictures of boobs in the virtual Mardi Gras that is Boobs4BourbonSt. You can donate boobs or money, or both. [via]

P.S. I double-dare you not to look at pets in uniform. (P.P.S. Now I know what I'm getting DJ Bronwyn for Christmas! Don't tell.) [via]

Thanks for the random acts of smut, Station Manager Ken.

Green2_150x225Blue2_150x225Preview_1

September 19, 2005

The Card Man

Cardman1_1Hello, Everybody--Nice seeing you again.

One day, years ago, I was walking down Madison Avenue on lunch break from my dayjob at a law firm. I was on the west side of the street between 39th and 40th, when a chubby little man with a bad haircut, wearing an ill-fitting, brown blazer, handed me a business card as he walked past. The card had the name of some employment agency on it, and I tossed it into the next trashcan I came to.

A few months later, he did it again. I was on lunch break, on Madison, near the spot where I saw him before, and he handed me the same card. “What is this?” I asked.

He looked a little startled when I spoke to him. “It’s about a job,” he said.

“What kind of job?”

The question seemed to make him uncomfortable. “You have to call,” he said, sidling away.

When I got back to my office, I did call. A woman answered. “Hi,” I said. “A gentleman gave me your card and suggested I call about a job.”

“You’ll have to come in to the office, “ said the woman.

“What kind of jobs do you have?” I asked. “Are you a temp agency?”

“I can’t talk about it on the phone,” she said. “You have to come in and see us.” Of course, I never did.

Continue reading "The Card Man" »

September 15, 2005

This Week in Sex: Shorts

We didn't take our medication this week, so welcome to the short-attention-span edition of TWiS.

I'm not a doctor, Jim, I'm a pedophile. An article in the Huffington Post suggests that there is a connection between watching Star Trek and being a pedophile. Trekkies get hot and bothered by the idea. (I know trekkies like to be called trekkers, but trekkies are not the boss of me.)

How to measure your penis. Is it really that hard? Apparently this diy project might involve, like, math. Math + boner = need for detailed instructions.

Queerty in pink.
New gay blog queerty. Check out Little Joe "Walk on the Wild Side" Dallesandro, be surprised he is still alive, and wonder what he looks like now.

News of the nude: Everyday nakedness in the Netherlands, where everybody who is naked is also white. That shaggy dude who walks around England naked got arrested again. Whatever.

Life is a cabaret again in Seattle.
A temporary ban (that lasted 17 years) on new "adult cabarets," aka strip clubs, in Seattle was finally lifted. [thanks Liz]

Singing Lesbians to Rescue Opera House is my favorite headline of the week.

Tell your wife: it's not porn, it's art. Christie's auctions sexploitation posters.

Dirty laundry. Museum exhibition about underwear. Tell your wife: it's not underwear, it's culture.

He said, she said. In the tradition of other great games, like "Lesbian or Midwestern?" or "Gay or European?" it's "Female or Shemale: Can You Tell?"

We share DNA with these folks. I mean the people watching the monkeys having sex.

Can't. Stop. Playing. Monkey. Slots.

NosemonkeyNosemonkey_1Mouth_monkey

September 02, 2005

This Week in Sex: Go Fuck Yourself

DancenekkidSmall consolations. Just when you thought things couldn't get worse in New Orleans, Dr. Phil went down to the Superdome for a "very special Dr.Phil", with Oprah and others hot on his heels, while Sean Penn in a leaky boat tried to rescue children. Dick Cheney must have thought thought, "Hell, if Oprah's there, I'm getting my ass down there too. Sounds like a party!" During an interview with the vp, someone off-camera shouted, "Go fuck yourself, Mr. Cheney!" Twice. I don't think it was Sean Penn, seeing as he was still bailing out his boat with a little red plastic cup.

The naked lady doth  protest. It could be worser: naked protesters could show up. Though in New Orleans, nakidity doesn't register the way it does elsewhere. Whereas a good old "fuck yourself" to the vice president gets the job done. It's the little black dress of protests.

It could be worsest. You could be wearing your latex underwear during the cleanup.

Girls with Glasses. You gotta pay for the dirty parts, but the videos of girls talking about their glasses are kinda sweet.

Guys and dolls. This is icky. Icky icky icky.

Look at our Naked Pictures Happiness. Read our bad poetry. Open wide your fly heart. This might make you feel icky, but not nearly as icky as if you looked at that doll sex site.

This room is to die for! Ever wonder where to put the dead body in your living room? Microsoft has a "crime scene with shapes" template that makes it as easy as Microsoft can make anything. Comes with icons for weapons, blood, and footprints.

Hello titty. Curiosities from a Japanese porn megastore. (thanks Station Manager Ken)

William Shatner and Frederica von Stade will sing a duet on the Emmy awards September 18. I don't know what this has to do with sex, but a girl can dream.

I blame pornography. Chris Martin says watching porn got his creative juices flowing.

Nakedflower_1Naked Gardening Day is September 10. "Why garden naked? It's fun!" Fun if you like bug bites, sunburn, and gardening. So get out there, you fun-bug-sun-loving gardeners!

Next week: Monkeys! (I know I said that last time.)

August 29, 2005

Pablo Picasso, He Was No Porno

Hello, Everybody--Nice seeing you again.

Nick Bertozzi is smart, funny, good-looking, and talented. Unfortunately, he’s also a cartoonist. He started out the way a lot of alternative cartoonists do, drawing his own crude, obscene, and funny comic book, “The Incredible Drinkin’ Buddies.” Then he got all artsy and drew “Boswash,” a story about a cartographer that, instead of being printed as a book, folded out like a map. He won some awards for that one. He drew a bumper sticker Wfmu_1for WFMU in 2001. His art got better and better, and he started getting illustration gigs, and he got married and had a little girl, and his comics got more and more serious and historical, ’cause you don’t want to draw dirty stuff when you’re thinking about keeping your daughter off the pole. That’s why I was surprised when I heard that some poor guy in Georgia might be going to prison for giving away a comic book with a Nick Bertozzi story in it.

Every year, the comic book industry has a promotion where they give away free comic books. This is supposed to lure people into comics stores, as if there’s anything in there you’d actually want to buy once they get you inside. I used to love comics, but I don’t go into comic shops any more because I got tired of pimply-faced 17-year-olds calling me “Ma’am” as if it were an insult. Anyway, this guy, Gordon Lee, owns a comic book shop in Rome, Georgia, and he had a bunch of books for 2004 Free Comic Book Day that he couldn’t even give away, so he decided to hand them out to trick-or-treaters on Halloween. One of the books was an anthology called “Alternative Comics #2” that featured an excerpt from “The Salon,” Nick Bertozzi’s graphic novel about Georges Braque and Pablo Picasso. You know how kids love the early cubists.Cubism Nick did a lot of research on these guys, and the story is historically accurate, including the fact that the first time Braque went to Picasso’s studio, Pablo was painting in the nude. Naturally, that’s the part of the story that was excerpted in “Alternative Comcs #2.” Gordon Lee says the comic—which has a "Mature Readers" label—was accidentally put in the give-away pile, where it wound up being handed to a 9-year-old boy. The kid’s parents complained, and Gordon Lee was arrested.

Continue reading "Pablo Picasso, He Was No Porno" »

August 26, 2005

This Week in Sex: Vegetarians.

MilkIn the interest of fair play and a balanced diet, which are not interesting at all, we're following up last week's This Week in Sex, a delicious array of meat, with this week's This Week in Sex, a skimpy side of veg. Enjoy. But you won't enjoy it as much as the meat.

Sex advice from vegans compiled by Nerve. A big topic of discussion: is swallowing semen strictly vegan? My theory: as long as you don't kill the guy to get the semen, it's fine.

Eat me. And by "me" I mean vegetarian foods that are aphrodisiacs. Or dirty baked goods. While you ponder this: Do you think handing out vagina-shaped candy might actually be a publicity stunt?

Drink me. Make your own beer cozy sex toy. [thanks Daniel Robinson]

The Vegan Vixen Show asks the age-old question, "What happens when a bunch of sexy vegan girls get together?" The age-old answer, "A TV show no one wants to watch." Producer Sky Valencia says "We wanted to appeal to the male audience, the hunters, the dogfighters, the burger eaters - you know, the guys who love Stuff and Low Rider magazine as well as Jack Ass and Howard Stern." You know what appeals to those guys? In a word, meat. And dog fights, but that's two words. (Apparently dog fights are big part of he-man culture.)

Vegetarian personals. The best part is being able to call up a map of everyone on the site. Perfect for vegetarian stalkers.

Tree huggers. I already wrote about these eco-porn people, and I still think they're stupid. The words eco-porn make me want to club a seal.

Vegetarian Radio. The words vegetarian radio make me want to club the seal next to that eco-porn seal.

Mark_chamberlain_untitled_2_814Put down the gun. Oh, that's not a gun?  DC Comics told an art gallery and a website to stop showing paintings of Batman and Robin being gay. Which they are.

I mean not. Totally are not. Don't send me a cease and desist letter. (But they do make a nice couple.)

It's the end of the world. No, wait, in Malta they have come to realize "it is not the end of the world if one admits to browsing explicit sites on the Internet or buying sex toys." They have their own Maltese sex store, which is pretty much the same as other sex stores, but smarter, because it has the disclaimer,"These products are not intended for use by mindless morons."  This would effectively kill a business in the U.S., where all products are intended for use by mindless morons. Go Malta!

[Yes, I know those last couple got a little off-topic. Don't send me a cease and desist letter.]

Next week: Monkeys!

August 24, 2005

FCC Investigates Stern

Howard_dragHoward Stern may be concluding his broadcast radio career in the red. The FCC received a complaint about a February 2005 broadcast of Stern's program from Miami lawyer Jack Thompson*, who objected to a segment featuring female porn stars golfing with dildos strapped to their foreheads, followed by the women singing "Amazing Grace" with sausages down their throats.

Howard Stern's program on Clear Channel was slapped with a $495,000 indecency fine for a sexual discussion meeting Thompson's disapproval in April of 2003 (click to read the program's transcript, as filed with the FCC). Prior to that, the Howard Stern Show received an indecency fine of $27,500 in 2001 for graphic descriptions of sexual and excretory nature. Frustrated with FCC restrictions and Clear Channel's internal indecency filters, the morning host will move his show to satellite radio on January 1, 2006. More on Stern's indecency evasion here.

Thompson's most recent complaint arrives at a very strategic moment... The backlash resulting from Janet's nipplegate incident in January of 2004 led to an unprecedented influx of FCC complaints last year, followed by the largest issuance of indecency fines on record. This year, we've heard nary a peep out of the FCC concerning indecency. Plenty of warning signals have emerged during these quiet months, however: the Broadcast Decency Enforcement Act made waves in the House but quickly vaporized upon reaching the Senate floor, the FCC endured a change in leadership pointed toward tightening indecency standards, and most recently the commission hired a conservative activist as a policy advisor. Will the FCC now resurrect the deflating indecency issue to set the stage for a fine-hike and another crackdown in 2005, using Howard Stern as their whipping-boy?


* Before his battles with Howard Stern, Jack Thompson made enemies with 2Live Crew in 1989, leading the campaign against the album As Nasty As They Wanna Be, which was ultimately deemed obscene by the feds. Ice-T was dropped from the Time Warner label in 1992, following Thompson's anti-"Cop Killer" crusade. More recently, Thompson has railed against violent video games, including Grand Theft Auto, Manhunt, The Sims 2, and Killer 7.

August 22, 2005

Courtney and Coogan breed

CastFar be it for Beware of the Blog to become the source for seedy Hollywood gossip, but the Guardian's confirmation of the coupling of Steve Coogan (star of Factory label honcho Tony Wilson's fantasy/biopic 24 Hour Party People, and the extreme genius Alan Partridge BBC series) with the former Mrs. Cobain is enough to turn our heads today. Courtney reports that a baby is on the way, as of posting, Coogan's management denies all.  The couple are rumored to have had an affair for two weeks in July after meeting in a Hollywood hotel, and according to the article Love (who just re-entered rehab this week) alledgedly told friends "What does it make me look like that I have slept with Alan Partridge? Given the grade A stars I've dated it's embarrassing. I mean...Alan Partridge?" One can only guess that the wooing of the Widow Cobain included taking personal, large dinner plates to all-you-can-eat buffets, and a bedroom display of air bass guitar mime to Level 42 songs.

UPDATE 8/24: COURTNEY NOW ANNOUNCES SHE IS NOT HEAVY WITH PUP

August 18, 2005

This Week in Sex: Meat!

Meatballs_1This morning, a guy at work told the whole office about a dream where he created a new sandwich. It was made of a hot dog with rings and rings of calamari on it--he gestured sliding all the rings on. Then all the guys started talking about what condiments would be on it (both mustard and red sauce, if you must know). Am I the only one who thinks they were talking about more than a greasy hot dog with shmutz all over it it? Yes, apparently I am.

It's so hot that you could fry an egg on the sidewalk (you know it's summer when the news desk tricks the cub reporters into trying to do that). And it's also so hot that an art salami left in a pool of water all summer started to get stinky. It got so stinky that they didn't want to keep it around, even as art. 

Meat doesn't grow on trees
. It grows in a dish!  We live in a glorious age, when it's possible to grow "something like spam" (which is something like meat) "at an incredibly high cost." The result is supposed to appeal to vegetarians, because it's meat without murder, and carnivores, because it's meat and they love meat, but it will appeal to neither, because it's synthetic meat sludge. Incredibly costly synthetic meat sludge.Sausagetree_2

Stop the presses...Meat does grow on trees! Magical sausage trees.

No, wait...Meat in a can. I'm sticking with good old meat in a can.

Pig art personality test. I care little for details.

And the wiener is...not you. The Oscar Meyer Ride of Your Life Contest has ended, but you can get Bologna Song ringtones to ease the pain. 

Sausages and prepared meats from A to Z. OK, from A to W(iener). There is definitely a marketing opportunity for sausages and prepared meats in the  X, Y, and Z categories.   

"Send a salami to your boy in the army" has a nice ring to it, but not as nice as "send a salami to every soldier in the 42nd Infrantry Division serving in Tikrit." Operation Salami Drop: “We know there are a bunch of homesick men and women over there, and to be able to do something. ... How do you put words to it? You have to do something. I can do salamis,” Marc Brummer said. Marc Brummer, will you marry me?

Pigs in space. You know the Chinese are sending pig sperm into space, right?

So to recap: Meat sludge in a museum is art. Meat sludge in a lab is science. Bologna is in your phone. Salami is flying to Iraq. Sperm is flying to the moon. But a hot dog in a dream is just a hot dog.

This Week in Sex: Spit, Don't Swallow

Harben_ruben_2Harben_parishilton_2 Portraits of Paris Hilton, Ruben Studdard, and some other people I don't know who they are, in bubble gum. Because the media, like, chews you up and spits you out, you know?

Most importantly, you can commission a portrait in bubble gum. My holiday shopping is officially done.

August 04, 2005

Vintage Wet Look

Wet_look"Over the years, the styles of clothing have changed along with the technical quality of the photography.

What has not changed is the enjoyment of experiencing wetlook, as reflected in these images."

Vintage Wet Look

via JAF Project

July 29, 2005

This Week In Sex: Sex Blog Hussy Edition

Old_phallus_2When I was home last weekend, I was awakened Sunday morning by my mom abruptly opening the bedroom window shades and ranting about "sex blog hussies." I agree: sex blog hussies are bad, bad people. So I'm sending this one out to you, my fellow sex blog hussies. And to my mom, of course. (Who doesn't know I am a sex blog hussy.)

Cunnilingus Manifesto.  Stop whatever dirty thing you are doing and check out North Korean Supreme Hottie Kim Jong-Il's dialectical sex advice, set to Nina Simone. Also in German, French, and Spanish, by Young-Hae Chang Heavy Industries.

The Dawn of the Tool Age. The world's oldest dildo was recently discovered by German researchers, who were not surprised to find it right there in the drawer of the world's oldest nightstand.

Ow. Ow. Ow. Owwww. Ow. Ow. Ever wonder about getting a Brazilian wax? If this little video doesn't make you want to put your bare ass on a table and get the short hairs ripped out of it, well, you my friend are a pussy. [via]

There outta be a law. And there is. Are. Whatever. Pages and pages of sex laws across the ages and nations. For example, the missionary position is the only way to do it in my hometown of Washington, D.C. But it's still OK to be a sex blog hussy there.

The headline reads Jackson Broadens Exclusions for Sex Offenders, but it has nothing to do with  alleged sex-offender Michael Jackson. New Jersey's own Jackson Township, home to Six Flags Great Adventure, has expanded its ordinance prohibiting convicted sex-offenders from living within 2,500 feet of a school, park, playground, or daycare center. The revised ordinance includes amusement parks, movie theaters, and roller rinks. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't want a pedophile living on my block, but my understanding of our justice system is that if you are convicted of a crime, and serve your sentence, you are free to go. Are we going to set up special zones for pedophiles? Pedo-ghettos? If so, I nominate Vatican City, where they can roam freely with their kind. Want something closer to home, complete with those forbidden amusement parks? Let's make it official and convert Jacko's Neverland into a Pedo-Preserve.

TWIS Gift Shoppe: Make a refrigerator magnet that is an exact replica of your lady junk. Just don't send it to my mom. You hussy.

Next week: This Week in Sex reports from Greasy Kid Stuff West in a kid-friendly version of your weekly dose of smut. OK, maybe not kid-friendly, but definitely from Greasy Kid Stuff West.

July 25, 2005

Picking Up Girls Made Easy MP3

Picking_upAn MP3 of the entire novely / sex 60s LP PIcking Up Girls Made Easy.

July 24, 2005

Patriot Action

Hello, Everybody—Nice seeing you again.

Some time ago—a few weeks, a couple months, I’m not sure–I noticed a big beige box in Grand Central TerminalGct near one of the information windows next to the big ramp that leads up to Vanderbilt Hall. The box was made out of sheet metal and had what looked like a stovepipe coming out of the top of it with a funnel-shaped cap on the top. I walked over to look at it, and it was humming away, making a noise like an air conditioner or a dehumidifier. “Checking for gas,” I thought. It just seemed obvious that it was some kind of Homeland Security machine to warn us when the Bad Thing happens.

A couple weeks later I saw some guys in MTA vests, accompanied by a cop, out in the middle of the main concourse at Grand Central. They had a funny little device set up on a table—it reminded me of those 4-armed things in physics class that spin around in sunlight, except this one was bigger and had some kind of paper tape printout spooling out of the bottom of it. So I walked over to check it out. “Excuse me,” I said, “But what is this thing?” The vest guys looked at me and looked at the cop. The cop nodded. “It’s to test the air flow in the terminal,” one of the vest guys said. Yeah, that’s what I thought it was.

A few days after that, all the National Guard soldiers and the MTA police in the terminal suddenly were walking around with bulky canvas pouches hanging from their belts. This was new equipment that they’d never carried before. Gas masks, I figured, so I asked. Yeah, that’s what they were. I have to wonder if all these studies and precautions are being taken because some security consultant just happened to think of it, or is it being done because there’s a real threat? I go through Grand Central every day—if it’s a real threat, then where’s MY gas mask? It seems like I can either go with the survivalists or with the even scarier folks who find gasmasks especially ... um ... interesting.

I’m a little skeptical about all these new “security” measures anyway. Like right after the first London bombings a couple weeks ago, the Port Authority cut off cell phone access in all the tunnels. They said it was to keep terrorists from setting off cell-phone-triggered bombs, but then everybody complained that it also kept regular folks from calling for help in case of an emergency, and a couple of big-deal security consultants were quoted as saying it was a bad idea, so then they turned the cell phone access back on. It made the whole thing seem like a panicky reaction to something happening 4,000 miles away rather than a well-thought-out security policy.

MtaThey followed that up with the new random-search policy. New York police are now stopping subway and bus passengers and searching their bags—without probable cause—supposedly at random. The Daily News sent out 5 reporters to check out the policy: Pete Donohue, Jego Armstrong, Jonathan Lemire, Veronika Belenkaya, and Tamer El-Ghobashy. Guess which one was the only one stopped and searched? In fact, he was stopped and searched twice. So random. At least it’s better than London’s Metropolitan Police policy of randomly selecting subway passengers to shoot five times in the head. And it turns out that the NYPD’s random searches are costing millions of dollars in overtime, so I’m betting they’ll be discontinued as soon as they can find a couple of big-deal security consultants to say it’s a bad idea. In the meantime, I've decided that I will decline to be searched. If the police stop me, I'll tell them I understand they're just doing their job, but that I believe the U.S. Constitution is supposed to protect me from unreasonable searches. I know they won't let me on the train, but, jeez, people have died to defend our freedoms, the least I can do is be late for work.

SoldiersGrand Central has been patrolled nonstop by armed National Guard soldiers for a while now. The first time I ever saw them, I was getting off a train with an older guy, an attorney who lives upstate. “Look at the soldiers,” he said. “Aww,” I replied, “they don’t scare me.” He looked at me oddly. “They’re not supposed to scare you, Bronwyn,” he said. “They’re supposed to make you feel safe.” Well, it’s been a few years now, and I can tell you that it’s not working. Seeing soldiers with weapons and gas masks everywhere I go does not make me feel safer than I felt in the old days when National Guard patrols at the train station would have been unthinkable.

Us
The basic assumption of democracy is that people are good. What do you get when the basic assumption is that any random person may be really, really bad?

Thanks for reading my blog entry, and watch your step.
-Bronwyn C.

July 22, 2005

This Week in Sex: A Love So Forbidden

GijoeIt's Friday morning, which means it's time to grab that cup of coffee, check the clock, and realize you're late! It's smut-thirty. But we didn't start without you, darlin'.

G.I. tracts. G.I. Joe is scary. Fan fiction is scary. But G.I. Joe fan fiction--well, that's just too fucking sweet.

Here's a bit from "G.I. Joe: A Love So Forbidden" (and rightly so):

At that moment, they had suddenly realized that even though they each were on different sides of the whole G.I. Joe/Cobra thing, they were still able to experience something wonderful between them.

That something is known as raw and untamed erotica ... and they were enjoying every minute of it.

A few minutes later, after he had placed his stiff cock inside her asshole, Blaine had used each of his hands to caress both her breasts and pussy.

'AAAAHHHH, COR-BLOODY-SHIT! THAT FEELS ... SSSSOOOO GOOOOD!" yelled a sexually energized Zarana. "DO IT, BLAINE! FUCK ME! I REALLY ... WANT YOU ... TO FUCK ME! AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!'

And here I thought I didn't like erotica, but I just didn't know it included yelling COR-BLOODY-SHIT!, which makes me melt every time.

"Attorneys find Dykes on Bikes offensive." No cor-bloody-shit. Twice, the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office has rejected the application of San Francisco's legendarily les-tastic Dykes on Bikes to patent its name, on  the grounds that "Dyke" is vulgar, offensive, and "scandalous." And not in a good way. The Dykes aren't offensive, mind you, it's just the word Dyke that the lawyers don't like. But that's the best part of the name. Without Dykes, you got no Dykes on Bikes. In case you didn't notice, I'm just trying to say Dyke a lot here.

Continue reading "This Week in Sex: A Love So Forbidden" »

July 16, 2005

Men!

Nissin_menHere is Japanese hammer throwing champion Koji Murofushi whipping his ramen (and himself) into a frenzy: Link. (avi video file for download, via octopusdropkick)

July 15, 2005

Take Warning

Sure, many disclaimers contain important information meant to preserve life, limb, and the American way, but let’s face it, we’ve long since passed a fork in that road and are now obsessed with stating the obvious. There are two more cases to add to the if you spill hot coffee on yourself, you may get burned” file:

Soft drink disclaimers. Wait, back up the train, soda contains sugar?

Gta_1Hillary’s outrage over Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. You can download a hack for the video game that shows cartoon sex. Big surprise. The game’s disclaimer reads as follows: Rated Mature, for ages 17 and older, due to intense violence, blood and gore, strong sexual content, strong language and use of drugs. ‘Nuff said, Hillary. And anyway, if you are so determined to see virtual peg-people gettin' it on that you go through the trouble of searching out and downloading a program that mods your video game, then by god, you should be rewarded for your efforts with some pixillated porn.

Continue reading "Take Warning" »

July 14, 2005

The Buttsex Conspiracy

My first tidbit of sexual misinformation came in the fourth grade, when Peter Heinz next door told me that babies were conceived in the anus.  Even at the time, this seemed confusing, but it wasn't until a whole year later that I discovered his information had been completely erroneous.  But perhaps Pete Heinz was a prophet in his way, a seer into the dark trends of the coming century in internet porn.

If modern pornography is a reflection of contemporary society, and I believe that it is, then there's an awful lot of buttsex going on.  And by this I mean straight buttsex; gays, of course, must employ buttsex as a means to express their affection - this is one of only two viable pathways in their case.  Straights, however, have no such excuse.  As a straight man, if you're fortunate enough to have a mate, or at least a woman willing to lie down with you, she comes readily equipped with a magnificent vagina, one of creation's greatest achievements, its labial folds and fleshy contours custom-designed to ensconce the penis.  So why do you wanna force your way in the back door, brother?

We have a saying in our home:  The butt is for "exegesis only."  Exposition, explanation and interpretation.  As far as our needs go, it's exclusively an exit, not an entrance.  No tongues, fingers or other appendages need traverse there for us to have a satisfying sexual experience.

Continue reading "The Buttsex Conspiracy" »

July 08, 2005

This Week in Sex

Pornclown1_4(definitely not safe for work, probably not safe for home,  basically not safe anywhere)

Insane clown sex posse. Let’s be honest: Clowns are a little scary. Sex is a little scary. Clowns having sex—well, that’s just too fucking sweet.Swimmysperm_1

Go baby go! A recent study discovered that when men watch porn with other men in it, their sperm becomes more mobile.  The theory is that the risk of “sperm competition” (i.e., that  a woman may have more than one partner) jacks up the sperm count and quality. The study was done in Australia,  where I discovered that the sperm swim counter-clockwise.

Continue reading "This Week in Sex" »

July 02, 2005

Lap Juicer

LapjuicerThe Lap Juicer is designed for lap dancers in clubs. They can make a tasty cocktail for eager clientel who can't touch, but who can drink juice!

The Lap Juicer is on exhibit at London's Victoria & Albert Museum till August 29th 2005, as part of the Touch Me exhibition.  They are also available for order.

via We Make Money Not Art

June 30, 2005

Female Masking

Mask_small"Behind my mask I am not me but a new personality ... much more exciting ..."

"Latex smoothes your face ... you are drawn inwards ..."

Do these quotes sound familiar? If so, this website is for you!

Female Masking Homepage (potentially nsfw)

June 23, 2005

Cleavage Pillows and Poop Hats

Poophat_1Ever the innovators, the Japanese have now developed the cleavage pillow and the poop hat. via del.icio.us

June 16, 2005

Cleaning Out My Inbox

Furniture2_1Time to move this stuff from my inbox to yours...

One of the true wonders of New Jersey.

Japan-bashing artwork by Korean schoolkids.

Finally, a roadmap to the wide world of sexual deviancy. Human Furniture? Turkey Men?

Amazing German karaoke version of Bohemian Rhapsody (MP3). I've got a ton more stuff like this to put up in the next few days, watch for it!

Cool trippy movie called Ministry Messiah by Dutch filmmaker Gints Apsits (Quicktime).

The Museum of Retro Technology, including rocket powered bicycles and alcohol-fueled record players.

Van Gogh's letters, indexed by keywords like "venereal" and "hallucinations."

A Russian painter's incredible online gallery and even more incredible gallery interface.

All hail The Toilet Union.

Catalog of various end-of-the-world scenarios.

Wonderful art by Alex Gross.

The Fifty Greatest Song Parts. It would be fun to do a FMU version of this.

Copyright-free spoken word samples of famous literary works via Penguin Books.

Beautiful gallery of early photographic technique of cyanotypes by photographer Edwardo Aites.

Good new mashup of Led Zeppelin and Snoop Doggy Dogg (mp3).

Do Not Click On This Link. 

Thanks del.icio.us, boingboing, peremeny, Sarah, Music for Maniacs, fazed, beatmixed, J-Walk

June 15, 2005

Dada Doll Aggregate

How many times have you endured some melodramatic doll painting representing the artist’s precious suffering and overwhelming mediocrity? Remember the art teacher’s video art in Ghost World? How about a Rasputina CD cover? The use of the doll in art has been seriously marred by weepy-eyed nostalgic Victorian aesthetics. Please dry your eyes with these Dada & Surrealism inspired Doll artists:

Bellmer
Hans Bellmer. – German Surrealist Bellmer would construct his waifish beauties, disassemble them and reconstruct them into grotesque bulbous heaps, the vulva always exposed. The dolls are always adorned in mary jane shoes.

Jake & Dinos Chapman –These brothers build hilarious mutant children out of reconstructed mannequins…genitals usually replace facial features and they all wear sneakers. more images here

Real Dolls (nsfw) – These highly detailed, custom built sex dolls are extremely creepy in their realism. Some photographers of Real Dolls like Elena Dorfman and the uncredited pictures on this page (nsfw) blur the line between reality and fantasy.

Van Sowerwine – This Australian artist creates interactive installations where the viewer can manipulate the residents of a doll house. Surreal and awful outcomes occur. Play With Me (installation documentation – quicktime video) - Expecting (interactive quicktime video)

Peter Caine creates juvenile and very hilarious doll tableaus. Think Paul McCarthy with intentionally shoddy craftsmanship. Take a look at Michael Jackson and Doodoo-Head Boy (quicktime video..nsfw) and SLICK WILLY (cubscout Bill Clinton) (quicktime video).

That Axis Power Vinyl Fetish

SyuugouI guess this is why we have a category called Cartoon Sexuality.

Someone in Japan has a thing for... vinyl. Specifically, upskirt anime imagery (nsfw, the site is in Japanese, but click on any of the links and you'll get the idea pretty quick). Maybe the vinyl fetish is an axis power kind of thing. We only just learned that that the Nazis invented the inflatable love doll. But was Himmler's "gynoid" love doll made of vinyl or elasticized polyethylene?

And what the hell is that South African anti-rape device made out of? It's the vaginal equivalent of a Bait Car (or more accurately, a parking boot) clamping itself emi-permanently onto a rapist's penis with microscopic hooks. Of course, a woman would have to wear it all the time. But it's worth it. Once he realizes that his penis is under permanent polymer lockdown, the rapist calmly surrenders to the nearest police station or hospital, where he is placed under anaesthesia for device removal.

If the clamp really catches on, think of all the corporate logos that will require updating.

All this talk of penile bear traps makes me worried about testicular cancer. Not for me, but for all my fellow penis owners who refuse to check themselves. Let's see, how can we teach men to check themselves for testicular cancer so they dont end up like Tom Green? I know, how about a public service announcement which tricks men into checking their balls by getting them to jerk off? Excellent idea! (flash movie)

thanks b3ta and del.icio.us

June 14, 2005

New York In The 70s Online Gallery

Mudd_club_bomb_std_1Laughing_gas_std_1Allen Tannenbaums book of photographs entitled New York In The 70s has been assembled into an online gallery. Check the nightlife section in particular - great photos of The Mudd Club, Max's, Studio 54, Plato's Retreat, etc, from back in the days when sex, drugs and bombs were all allowed in clubs. Some images not safe for work.

Kathy McGinty is Waiting to Talk to You

KathymcgintyHamburger Records has happily made the Kathy McGinty CD available once again, which is, for the uninitiated, one of the most genius of the prank call CD's of all time, period. The premise is simple: horny guys meet "Kathy" on the internet, and are invited to call her up, but wind up unknowingly speaking to a sampler hooked up to the phone triggering some appropriate and not-so-appropriate responses to the dudes in question ranging from "you have a sexy voice" to "I'm a burn victim". Even as some guys figure out that they aren't speaking to a real live breathing gal (which often becomes evident when the sampler goes crazy "malfunctioning"), it doesn't seem to matter to them, which is one of the more disturbing aspects of this collection. The new deluxe reissue features extra tracks, liners, and a now a photo of "Kathy" (above). Thanks to Derek of Hamburger (also pictured above as the "Kathy Robot Operator") for letting us put up this MP3 (super X-rated just FYI). I'm not sure I anticipate a Comedy Central puppet interpretation on this one.

June 13, 2005

Gainsbourg meets Whitney

Whitney_1In honor of the June 30th premiere of Bravo's Being Bobby Brown series, here's a short clip (realvideo download) of pop icon Serge Gainsbourg meeting the future Mrs. B. on a French TV chat show in the late 80's. After the events that transpired here, Gainsbourg would never be invited to appear on live TV again, while Whitney, needless to say, would go on to make Serge's behavior seem pretty fucking sedate in comparison. Funny how the pop biz can be.

June 12, 2005

Memphis Phone Sex

Vanilla_bean_1One of the most inspired phone pranks I've ever heard was when WFMU's Frank Balesteri (aka The Vanilla Bean) called a phone sex outlet in Memphis, Tennessee and pretended to be a guy with an Elvis fetish. But Frank's real stroke of genius was turning the tables on the actress/operator and getting her to fantasize about Elvis - his guitar-shaped swimming pool, Elvis getting laid in heaven, the jism on his blue suede shoes. Frank even gets her singing "It's Alright, Mama," or at least all the lyrics she could remember. Too bad this was never aired. Or so I was told. Download the MP3. (Not safe for work. Taken from WFMU's 2-CD set, Radio Archival Oddities, Vol. 2)

June 08, 2005

Girls and Corpses

Girls_twins4"You know you've been thinking about it... dreaming about it... well now, here it finally is! If you're like me, you like two things, beautiful girls and rotting corpses. So, I thought, why not bring them together in one magazine?"

GIRLS AND CORPSES!

link via szanalmus

May 27, 2005

Gunther and His Ding Dong

Guntherimages3OK, I submit. I will create a separate category for Cheesy Euro-Disco.

I received my DVD with the video of Baccara's Yes Sir I Can Boogie a few days ago, and it was terrible. But then, as if The Disco Gods heard my disappointment and wanted to make it up to me, Listener Jon notified me about 2004's huge Euro-disco hit, Ding Dong Song, aka Oh, You Touch My Tra La La, by Gunther and The Sunshine Girls. Watch the video here (streaming wmv file from jengajam). Baccara may dance around suggestively, but Gunther delivers. (Not safe for work due to soft core lesbianism and frothy champagne bottles.)

And check out the GI Joe remix of the same (right click to download wmv file, via ebaum).

Afraid to admit that you like Cheesy Euro Disco? Be not alone.

May 24, 2005

Wall Of Hair

Phil_1After over two years of running around on bail, legendary rock producer Phil Spector is finally on trial for the murder of B-Movie babe, Lana Carlson. When D. Boon of the Minutemen sang about a “Little Man With A Gun In His Hand” he could have been talking about Spector. Skinny and 5-foot-7, Spector was known to pack heat everywhere he went. Legend has it he fired a gun in the studio when he was working with John Lennon in the 70's, and according to Dee Dee Ramone, Spector held him hostage for at gunpoint for two days during the production of “End of the Century.” Obviously a little nuts, Spector has admitted in recent years that he’s been taking medication for schizophrenia.

Well, on Monday a judge ruled that prosecutors in his murder trial can present evidence of four separate incidents where Spector allegedly waved or pointed a loaded weapon at women he’d been dating. Nice, eh? Not only that, but the judge decided against allowing the presentation of evidence involving six more women who also may have found themselves on the business end of Phil’s affection.

As you can see, he’s a scary guy. When police raided his home in February of 2003 they took away nine guns and plenty of ammo. Perhaps they should get another warrant, and make a return trip for the blowdryer-- before somebody gets hurt.

May 16, 2005

Get your protest on

ProtestLike most people with even a chicken-nugget sized brain, I'm pretty pissed off about the state of the world most of the time and I'm betting that you are too. By (multiple) request, here is one of the truly great protest songs of our day and age. Sam and Joe's "Save the Children" (Right click to download MP3 -- Not safe for Work), as it was meant to be heard in its full, un-edited glory. This track is originally from the excellent "Fear of Smell" compilation (1992, Vermiform Records) which is still available here. It's a rant that not only covers the general "war is bad, it would be groovy if everyone had enough food" ideologies, but also ventures into the largely unchartered "I demand the right to masturbate whenever I want to" sentiment.
 

French AIDS PSAs

I wrote about Public Service Announcements last month and included some beautiful Mexican PSA art. Not to be outdone by the Mexicans, the French have released a few PSA posters about AIDS prevention that are, how shall we say... rather saucy. Click here to see them. (Not safe for work. Unless you're French. Or a spider. Actually, you would have to be both. via b3ta newsletter.)

May 14, 2005

Abstinence Clearinghouse A Magnet for Horny Motorists

Brothel2_3In what sounds like a devious employee prank, Google Maps is identifying certain U.S. businesses as whore houses. What a great public service this would be if the brothel ID tags were accurate! Alas, they are not. Go ahead and try it before Google management plugs the hole - go to Google Maps, type in a zip code and include the word "brothels" without the quotation marks.

One business that was misidentified as a cathouse is the Abstinence Clearinghouse in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, a non-profit orginization that hooks up people who are against pre-marital hookups. Leslee Unruh, the President of the Abstinence Clearinghouse, while angered about Google's little "mistake," said that it at least explained an ongoing mystery:

"We've been seeing some strange men stopping by the office," she said. "They're clearly looking for something. If they're traveling and using Google, maybe they think we're..." she said, but didn't finish. "We're right off the Interstate."

"I'd love to know what's going on," she said. "Although we do have a red lamp near the window. I told my staff, 'we have to get that out of there.'"

via Yahoo news.

 

May 10, 2005

Ashtray Heart

Smokeblower_1  There's an underground movement to make smoking sexy again... Coherent Light is an adult site that caters to fans of dominant babes who light up and don't give a flying fuck. In fact, they wanna blow smoke in your face and maybe snuff a Kool 100 out on your ass. 

Despite warnings by the Surgeon General about its effects, butt sex may be gaining popularity as we become increasingly fetishistic in reaction to ever-shrinking national liberties. But never mind what I think, take it from Valentine and her Lucky Strikes (wmv) or Nadja with her long Marlboro (wmv).

May 05, 2005

Vienese Actionist Films (1970)

MuehelOtto Muehl Manopsychotisches Ballett (1970)

What could be more fun than Vienese Actionist films? You know the Vienese Actionists, don't you? They were a bunch of Austrian artists in the 60s who sliced open cows and rolled around naked fucking each other, soaked in animal blood. While most of this stuff has been relegated to the dustbin of art history (with the exception of Hermann Nitsch), we've uncovered a prime document of the period by gang leader Otto Muehl. It's a film in two parts and features all sorts of great stuff: nudity, fist fucking, animal sacrifice, dildos and group groping, all to the strains of Charlotte Moorman's cello. True art, in our humble opinion. via UbuWeb

I'm An Ass Man

Finley3I'm An Ass Man (MP3)

Let's face it: we're not big Karen Finley fans. She's the embodiment of artsy bullshit  pretention. But once -- just this once -- back in the mid-80s she hit the nail on the head. Perhaps the raunchiest thing ever recorded. Just delightful.

April 15, 2005

Stop Staring

Tight lugsWhat are you, some kind of headphet??

April 04, 2005

Don't see nothin' wrong with a little bump 'n grind

Middle_school_dance_lg_1Natrona County High School students in Casper, WY are being denied their right to party (read the article here). The school is requiring students to sign a contract stating that they will not participate in "freak dancing, lap dancing, bumping, grinding, thrusting, dirty dancing and any dancing that involves excessive physical contact" during their prom. In retaliation, students are organizing a MORP (hint: number nine, number nine) as an alternative to the school prom, allowing their adolescent hormones to fully detonate, unhindered by contractual agreements. WFMU supports NCHS’s need to express sexually suggestive booty shaking on their own terms, and we heretofore suggest the following tunes for their MORP:

MP3s:
"Wide-Ass Whumpin"
"Damn, Your Booty Don't Stop"

Real Audio from the WFMU Archives:
Peaches, Gonzales & Feist “aa/XXX”  (from Scott's show)
Sexual Harassment “Sexual Connection”  (from Mike's show)
Missy Elliot and Smith and Hack “Track one and Get Your Freak On”  (from Ken's show)
The Incomparable Rutland Junior High School Ensemble “The Hustle” (from Monica's show)
Sonny Dublin “Pigimy (sic) Grind”  (from Black Ops' show)
Kenny G and Irwin “I’ve Had the Time of my Life” (from Kenny G's show)

(from Downtown Soulville with Mr. Fine Wine)
Too Sweet
“Hustle and Double Bump”
Ellen Jackson “Ghetto Boogie”
Jackie Wilson “Shake a Leg”
Sean "Mr. Esquire" Taylor Funky Soul Dance”

 

March 29, 2005

Our Lips Aren't Sealed

GogoSome of us at WFMU are getting worried about losing our edge. In honor of falling behind the times, I bring you a review for a video that first surfaced years ago...

Now that rock stars are documenting their sexual conquests via cell phone video clips, don’t you just wish for the good ol’ days when a fistful of quaaludes and a camcorder did the trick? Yeah, so do I. Luckily my local video store had this puppy in stock.

Three high and boozy Go-Go’s tease and torment a completely wasted groupie in this bootleg. Poor video quality doesn’t matter since you’ll be fast-forwarding through most of it. Trust me, this is the painless route to experiencing legendary footage without enduring 30-plus minutes of innane slurring conversations. I’m sure there are a few sound-bite worthy nuggets to be gleaned, but, oh, it hurts.

Thematic tunes from the WFMU archives (click for real audio):
Frogs “Vacation”
Bran Flakes “I am a Groupie”

March 23, 2005

When It's A Slow News Day

...give the fans a headline like this: Korn Guitarist Says The Jesus Tattoo on His Hand Keeps Him From Masturbating. This information from an "interview" on the guitarist's own website. Apparently he left Korn a month ago & thinks everyone cares about what he's doing, or, uh, not doing. To help all of you shortcut this one, the article is boring and barely mentions music; seems like a staged Q & A, and frankly,
I blame Korn
 as being partially responsible for the downfall of heavy music, so no one should beJesus hangin' on this guy's words. However, sometimes a good headline is enough to brighten your day.

March 16, 2005

In Related News

The internet is still not safe for anyone.

March 04, 2005

How to Procrastinate: Tip No. 8—Go with the Flo

I am enraptured by this site: flocabulary.com.

The idea is that you can fabricate a mo’ better vocabulary by listening to “rap” songs that use capacious words. This is not a very advantageous idea, especially if you like 1) songs, or 2) words.

For  two bucks, Flocabulary provides an mp3 and lyrics, with the SAT-caliber words linked to brief definitions. The study materials include bizarre "use the word in a sentence" examples that feature mooning celebrities, recovering alcoholics, and people with dogs for body parts. The study materials could use a copy-edit by Gaylord. As could we all.

Here’s one mp3, and some lyrics to get you started:

    When I was nascent, being formed in my mama’s belly,
    It was so cozy I wanted to stay there forever, indefinitely,
    It was all obscure, totally caliginous and dark,
    I could hear the melodious sound of my mama’s beating heart, then
    BOOM I was born shrunken like a prune, a former plum,
    Shot out the womb like a gun into the room

(I’m old school. If you don’t know what caliginous means, look it up.)

And an example of the study guide:

    sagacious - (adjective) shrewd, showing sound judgment
    When it came to electing a Corn Growers Association president, everyone turned to the most sagacious member: old Jim "Corn Eyes".

Whence my forthcoming bloggification commences: illicit and prurient material appealing to the baser natures of all.

I.e., next time: porn.

How to Procrastinate: Tip No. 7—Seriously, Beware of The Blog

Kenblob_1Every time I check out this blog, or post to this blog, or think about this blog, or try not to think about this blog, the insanely infectious Burt Bacharach song “Beware of the Blob” starts up in my skull. Station Manager Ken will think I don’t realize that “Beware of the Blog” is a clever allusion to the B-movie featuring an enormous, hostile liver, but he basically thinks I’m retarded, which means I have to make it clear that I get the blob/blog joke. I get it, but that doesn’t make the loop in my head any less aggravating.

In case you’re not familiar with the tune, I found an mp3 snippet that should be just big enough to lodge itself in one of the furrows in your brain like a piece of popcorn in your back teeth. If you want the whole song (and you have been warned), you can listen for the classic version by The Five Blobs on Dave the Spazz’s show, or the Guy Kluczevek cover on Greasy Kid Stuff. Here are the lyrics, smartypants, in case you think you have managed to elude the Blob:

Blobdoor_3Beware of the Blob
It creeps
And leaps
And glides
And slides
Across the floor
Right through
Wallblob_1The door
And all around the wall
A splotch, a blotch
Be careful of the Blob

(repeat x infinity)

The most maddening thing of all is that I have a sure-fire way to delete annoying songs from my internal iTunes. Simply sing, out loud, in its entirety,“Chapel of Love” by  the Dixie Cups. This will erase the offending song while not itself getting stuck in your head, like a refreshing palate cleanser. Works every time.

So why is the Blob beating the Dixie Cups in the smackdown for my limited brain bandwith? 

Paperdixiecups_1 Blobliver_1

Next time: smarter-sounding words (for porn).

March 03, 2005

How to Procrastinate: Tip No. 5A—Drown Kitties (continued)

Kittenbucket_3Swag protest via kitties update:

Mark Magowan sent us a note saying "we are all so sorry," and included this picture. 

By "we are all so sorry" I think he means "we have your number, irredeemably promiscuous promoters of satan's work in swag."

Next time: everything you've been waiting for.

February 25, 2005

How to Procrastinate: Tip No. 6—Jersey City Goes to 11

Did you know Jersey City is a "Sexy City"?

Apparently no one else did, either. A recent poll done by some annoying deodorant company found that Jersey City is the 11th Sexiest City in the nation. This is such powerful branding information that WFMU is going to change its tag line to “Freeform Station of the Nation, in the 11th Sexiest City in the Nation.”

What constitutes “Sexy”? Apparently these deodorant  scientists used some special metrics to figure it out, but over here in the Department of Procrastination Studies we need to see for ourselves.

Participant_ethnographyA note on scientific methods
: Station Manager Ken sent me this article (you have to do a minor log-in to read it, but I read it so you don't have to) two weeks ago, and I want to be clear that it’s not that I put off writing about it until now. I was doing research. OK, last Friday night I did some research.  I could have just made some crap up while I was watching the umpteenth rebroadcast of “160-Lb. Tumor” on the Discovery Health Channel, but I did not. I chose to do participant observation, an ethnographic method in which I have extensive training. As this site says, "Think Jane Goodall studying chimps."

Stuffing_3Since I had only been out in Jersey City one night in my entire life, I needed expert advice. I don’t know why—this is science, so I’m reluctant to offer a hypothesis without some evidence to manipulate to support it—but the wfmu dj’s were useless informants. They don’t know from Sexy. I have a cousin who lives a few blocks from the station, and she is  super-Sexy (imagine an unplaticized Irish Cher), so I asked her to be my guide/driver. It was cold and I didn't want to walk.

Evidence collected 2/18/05:

Group01_1The evening started out with the needle on the Sexy Meter bouncing into the red. I was at wfmu to stuff envelopes* for the marathon. When I walked in, volunteers Taso, Ryan, Bill and Charlie were sitting around the table under the supervision of Volunteer Coordinator Scott, looking like the Fab 5, but not so gay. But so Sexy!

Sexy Swagster Megan was also there and interrupted her game of computer Scrabble (the computer spelled “boner,” which I took to be a good sign) to help me plan my itinerary. Turns out Megan does know from Sexy. Scott began frothing like a mad dog when he started talking about bars where the “cute fake people hang out,” so I stopped listening to him, and excluded his data from the experiment.Empty

Cousin Cher and I went to the Hyatt first.
Not Sexy, unless Empty is the new Sexy. But it was early.

Next stop was LITM, which stands for “love is the message” (down, Scott, down!). The meter went into the red as soon as we walked in and saw two extremely cute girls making out at the front of the bar. I think lesbian love is a better message. The bartender might have flirted with me, but I was too busy getting the gossip on my extended family to pay attention.

Having worked up an appetite from doing all this science, we went to the Hard Grove Cafe for steak sandwiches. I was ready to call the research over, but then we hit Sexy pay-dirt. Cousin Cher was waiting for the Ladies Room, and it was a long wait. Finally the door opened, and it was not a Lady but one of the Hombres who worked in the kitchen. Then the door shut. After a few minutes a Lady did come out and oh-so casually returned to her table. Cousin Cher and I analyzed the evidence and concluded that there was something Mucho Sexy going on in there. Something that might have even been Sex.

Since I had to get back to Brooklyn to get a few hours sleep before returning to board op for Greasy Kid Stuff Saturday morning, we decided our rigorously scientific experiment had run its course.

Scientific conclusion: Next to the envelope-stuffing table at wfmu, the Ladies Room at the Hard Grove is the Sexiest Place in the 11th Most Sexy City in the Nation.

Ladies_room_sign_lg_1

*Brownie points for me!

Next time: porn? Maybe not, my mom's in town.

 

February 19, 2005

How to Procrastinate: Tip No. 4—Gawker Shocker!

Sign

A while back, I took this crappy cell phone picture of one of those “don’t walk” signs in downtown Manhattan that have been neatly transformed into the heavy metal devil horns. (Or maybe it’s the sign language sign for peace—I always get the devil horns and the peace sign confused—but I suppose it’s more likely that the vandals are the metal heads than the deaf people.)

Gawker just noticed one of the signs and posted a tongue-in-cheek piece saying it was not the sign of the devil but the sign of the shocker.*

Duh! How dumb are they! Stupid bloggers. I thought bloggers were supposed to break news and know stuff. Let’s all feel superior in our ability to distinguish between the dirty and the satanic hand gestures.

(Um, seriously, it's the devil horns, right?)

Next time: porn. But this time was kinda dirty, so stop whining.


*If someone's looking over your shoulder, like your boss, you might wanna save this link for later.

February 17, 2005

How to Procrastinate: Tip No. 3—Talk Dirty to Me

I’m happy to see Station Manager Ken and Music Man Brian dropping the f-bomb in their recent posts. That's leadership! Frankly, I thought the fmu djs were going to rain a shit-storm of curse words upon the blogosphere. Since even thinking about things like poopy on the radio is gonna cost $500,000 a pop, let me remind everyone that online shit is FREE.

However:

I do wonder, and this is gonna show how long it’s been since I’ve had a real job, how much “indecency” generally causes corporate online V-chips to kick in? I don’t want my potty-mouth to single-handedly keep you guys from procrastinating at work.

Next time, maybe: porn.

February 15, 2005

How to Procrastinate: Tip No. 2—Rasterbate

Rasterbatingpenguin_2

You heard me.

A raster is essentially the bit-mappification of a digital image that plots the original onto a grid. The “Rasterbator” takes the image in the grid and works some crazy math mojo on it, and you can print it out as a HUGE multi-page pdf.

If you are simple-minded and like things big (say, if you are from Texas), this is the way to go. But if you are more artsy-fartsy, you can make the cells in the grid more abstract.

Like this little fella: from a distance it’s just a penguin, but up close it’s Art.

(Since I am not just a procrastinator but a lazy, plagiarizing procrastinator, I stole this idea from Shannon Holman, Poet Laureate at Apartment Therapy, where you can steal lots of other ideas.)

Next time: porn. I know I said that last time, but I got distracted by Rasturbation.

February 13, 2005

My Bathroom is a "Private" Kind of Place

Houston_toilet1_1Everybody like a little privacy while going to the bathroom, right? That's why we run off into the bushes when nature calls on the great highway of life. (MP3 download of American Standard's pro-bathroom privacy anthem.)

Listener Stephanie submits these two pictures of a new public bathroom in Houston. (Apparently, London also sported one of these last Fall.) On the outside, it looks innocent enough - clean even! Mirrored walls suggest a public toilet that might not require you to turn your smeller off for the entire experience. But take a step inside and the walls are revealed to be one-way mirrors.  Houston_toilet2_3Now you're taking a dump in the middle of a town square, surrounded by your fellow citizens. You got a problem with that?

The toilets are the brainchild of artist Monica Bonvicini who wanted to see if people would "defy their own embarrassment" by using the free public stalls, which operate under the title "Don't Miss A Sec." Of course, these mirrored outhouses also happens to be a godsend for folks who like to have sex with themselves or others, but prefer to avoid the pesky imprisonment that sometimes accompanies such behavior.

I think I''d prefer the public toilets of Berlin, which descend into the bowels of the earth on an elevator in between uses, where they are sprayed and disinfected with post-Nazi-like precision. But that's just me.

February 07, 2005

How to Procrastinate: Tip No. 1—The Internet

Since the mists of Time began to clear, and the beginnings of Life began to coalesce in the Primordial Sea, and maybe a stray spark from a lightning bolt or whatever accidentally caused a blob of goo to congeal into something that could use a qwerty keyboard, Man has wondered, “Why are we here?”

The Internet is the answer to this question. Actually, it doesn’t answer the question, but it makes it easier to avoid, which in my book is as good as answering it.

Warhol_empire_state_3 Andy Warhol once said that the most difficult thing in life is figuring out what to do with the next ten minutes. At least I think he said that (I could look it up but I’m writing this right now so I’ll get to it in a sec). He’s more famous for that famous-for-fifteen-minutes thing. Man, he sure rode that one to the bank. Anyway, I don’t think he would mind having things he didn’t say attributed to him. In addition to reproducing mass-produced images, this guy made an 8-hour shot of the Empire State Building into a movie. Hey, if you want to fill some time, you could either 1) go see that movie, or 2) stare at this picture for 8 hours.

The thing with the movie is that it is actually 8 hours and 5 minutes, so at 7 hours and 55 minutes you might want to think about what you’re going to do with the 10 minutes after the film is over. I’m just giving you the heads up.

In order to procrastinate effectively, you must chose something to avoid. Without the delicious frisson of guilt hovering at the fringes of your chosen activity, you will not be procrastinating, but merely wasting time.

Let me recommend: getting a life. To be clear: the thing you are avoiding is “getting a life.” You can be more specific (avoid getting out of your chair, or avoid getting your job done, or even better, avoid getting a job), but I urge you to Dream Big. I once worked with someone who said, “Reach for the stars and maybe you’ll hit  the lamppost,” which seemed like a dumb-ass thing to say. Why would I want to hit a lamppost?  I’m a lazy mofo, but I’m not a vandal. At any rate, I don’t work there anymore so I don't have to listen to that crap.

In conclusion, though the official story is that the internet was invented by the military/Al Gore to communicate top-secret info/bore us into a drooling coma, this is only partly true. It was invented by the military so we could park ourselves in front of the pretty pixels and look at porn instead of going outside to play.

OK, I’ll keep this short. I know you have things to not-do.  Mine is not-blogging.

Next time: porn.

Logo-Rama 2005

  • Winner (T-shirt): Gregory Jacobsen
    We received such an outpouring of extraordinary listener artwork submissions for our recent logo design contest that we just couldn't keep it all to ourselves.

    Hold your champagne glass high, extend your pinky, turn up your nose, and take a stroll through this gallery of WFMU-centric works from the modern era.