those we forget

the poor unfortunate souls... the words of eursila... if that is how you spell her name... from the movie, "little mermaid". i think we have a lot of these "souls" in our lives that we just forgot about. recently, this nuna i knew from Emmanuel came by to Bohemian. i guess it is sort of wrong to say "knew" since we never talked before. but she started coming recently and we talked a bit here and there... remembering back to the good old days at Emmanuel... before the fall... i guess. but it is sad that no one really tried hard enough to get to know her and her sister when we had the chance to. just because they were quiet and shy, we just ignored them... well not completely true. we knew of their existance... we wanted to reach out to them, but we never did. easier said than done, right? but im sure none of us really cared... to speak bluntly... when she stopped coming to the church. and we just forgot about her. pretty amazing though. people you meet in life. you never know when you will meet them again.

she is just one example though. there are others that i have forgotten about... never really cared to remember about them... and im sure a lot of us do. but why start off this entry with the words "the poor unfortunate souls"? well. i think there were a lot of people in my life that i could have made an impact on if i had put in some effort in reaching out to them and getting to know them. a lot of us go through a lot of hurt in our lives and i choose to believe that one person has the ability to remove that pain. that thorn that twist at our sides whenever we just stop living our life for few moments and sit back and evaluate our lives. a needle that digs deeper into our very soul as we desperately try to analyze and attempt removing that which hurt us so.

i feel bad that i never put in the effort before. what can i say? i was just a dumb kid in a fantasy world that i created for myself. an age of ignorance of what is real and what is just an item from my fantasy world.

but funny how things have changed... now, i do put in the effort to get to know everyone that crosses my path... but i find that most of them don't care to let me know about them or to know about me.

anyways...

i am currently in need of few pairs of slacks. i have been wearing the same pair of pants for the past month... without washing i must add. so it smells like beer and cigarette mixed together... trust me on this... not something you want to be smelling like everyday that you work. so i went to the galleria and guess what store i went to? obviously Express. so i started checking out their wool slacks... i came with the mentality of having to pay about 100 bucks per pair. but they didn't have my perfect size. i was going to get something that doesn't exactly fit right, but my friend said "if you are going to spend 100 bucks on something, you should get something that is perfect." not in vervatim or in those words, but you get my point. so he talked me out of buying them... the girl who was helping me out probably got pissed off... oh wells.

life without work seems boring now. i really don't know what i'll be doing with my spare time if i didn't go out to work. sure... i guess it'll be nice to catch a movie here and there with my friends once in a while... but that will probably just add up to 10 hours a week or so. im sure if i stopped working, i'll be going back to my routine of downloading, watching, and burning animes or anything else i come across. now that i think about it... that was a pretty boring life.

i have to admit... i never lived as hard before i started working at Bohemian. i don't mean "hard" in a bad way, but "hard" as in im giving my all in life. i wish business picks up and things start getting better. but at the rate things are going... with Jeff screwing up... it just seems like i don't have much time at Bohemian.

anyways... it is getting late. thanks for reading... my biggest fan... especially you.

good bye.

posted by Ibanzajoe @ 5:03 AM

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cold night

it was a cold night. as usually, i took care of the clean up for the store... everyone felt like they had no reason to stay and help out. so i took care of the kitchen clean up, bar clean up, and hall clean up. no biggy, i guess... im used to it. so the bar closed at about 2 am... i stayed till 3:30 cleaning after my co workers. funny how i could have left at 2:30 if everyone else helped out. what can i say? im the owner's nephew... i guess that means im obligated to do the work others are not willing to do. i guess it is a problem with me though. i can easily not do it and the owners will get pissed off and punish the other workers... but i guess i have too soft of a heart to allow that to happen. maybe it is just my love for them. yeah, i get treated like shit sometimes... people nagging at me to hurry up with the card tip calculations and such... but hey? if i didn't love them because of that, that would be a conditional love... something i don't want to give... of course unless they betray me. something you should know about me... never betray me.

so i got out of work at 3:30 and walked over to my car in the parking lot. my hands were frozen stiff by the time i got to my car. i wondered to myself, 'is this california weather?'. anyways... so i drove home on my 300zx... my speed daemon... and parked about 2 blocks away from my apartment... another daily cycle for me... and while walking towards my house, my arms felt like they were going to just fall apart because they were feeling numb from the cold. but as soon as i opened up my apartment door and closed it, i felt the warmth and started feeling better. yeah, i guess im some wuss who can't handle the freezing winds... but HEY! it is freaking freezing out there and i just happened to be wearing short sleeves for some odd reason.

anyways... work was hard today. One of the bartender, Kristy, was crazy drunk... the other one, Susie, the one in training, wasn't much of a help to me. so i ended up having to run into the bar couple of times. annoying... there was also this one annoying customer who stayed till about 2:00 am. some rich guy's son who felt like he had some right to stay after the bar was closed. sure, he ordered a lot of stuff and left a big tip... 109 bucks i think?... anyways, regardless of that, he was so immature just commanding the workers around like he owned the place.

social life? what social life? so yeah... i am currently in lack of social life. i have nothing... i go out with my friends sometimes... to drink some coffee or something... but not much. i guess when you are attending school full time and working 9 hours a day, 5 days a week, it is pretty tough to have any social life. well, that isn't totally true, i took 3 days off last week due to some homeworks that i had piled up... but other than that... yeah... tough. at least im making some money. funny, i was just about write 'monkey', not 'money'. why is that funny? i don't know... i guess when your tired as hell and your room is freezing and your hands are feeling a little stiff, does little mistakes that you catch by yourself become funny.

anyways... i hope you guys are having a little laugh, maybe a bit of a chuckle... my life... is a great big joke anyways. keep hoping for that ride that will take me home. probably you guys don't know what im talking about. this ride... this wishful thinking ride. this free ride that i desire so much of. it is never going to come. but i can't stop wishing for it. it is a long long walk ahead of me. im on the side of the road, looking to see if anyone can hitch me a ride home. but no one stops for me. they just zoom pass by me, to get to their home. i guess i am just waiting for a free ride. maybe because i know that no matter how long i walk down this path... it'll never lead me to the place i want to be. a place where i can finally be at peace with myself. when is my free ride coming? is God ever going to let me off easy?

but i guess that is my journey of life. and maybe from this long long endless walk i can somehow help others along the way. as long as this walk may take me, it gives me time... haha, funny, time... gives me time to spend with others who are struggling and walking the same path and lead them to the right direction. maybe give them hope that no one else possibly can. but then again, these are just words. as great as my ambitions may be, i know i dont' have the ability nor the wisdom to carry out and fulfill this great ambition. but i know that if i don't do my best to achieve my goal... i'll end up in my 80s, 90s... regreting every single second of my life that i did not try. so i will try my best... i'll give it my all to give to those who i cross path with in life.

God, give me strength. i believe i have achieved a better understand of who you are and what you want from me. but i am just so tired of this. my body literally aches and my mind is growing weary and unclear. my eyes are becoming blurry and i am losing focus from what is real and what is just figment of my imagination.

but thank you for setting me apart from the others who still maintain that ignorant, joyful life. thank you for sparing me from the veil that blinds them. for i prefer to see the truth than believe in a false reality. but sometimes, God, the truth really does wear me down. to the point where i sometimes think that i'd rather be a happy fool than be sad and know the burden above my shoulders.

posted by Ibanzajoe @ 3:51 AM

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sassy girl revisited

so i watched "my sassy girl" last night... again. i don't know what it is about that movie, but i just love watching it. maybe it is just the song "i believe" by shin seung hun. or maybe it is just the whole scenario between the "sassy girl" and the guy... something that has been imitated again and again by other shows and movies. n e ways... so i watched it while falling asleep... woke up and saw that the movie was almost over and decided that i was too tired to finish then i went to sleep... nice grammer huh?

regarding work:
so today was Leela's last day as a waitress. she is going to a better place now. having a real profession... no more life as a waitress... she went to school and became a skin care professional... now she works in a store and tells old ladies how to make themselves look younger and such. i giver her about two months before she gives a call to Tai Seung, asking if she can come back.

there is a new worker though... her name is "jenny"... fake name that she is using while working at the store. her real name... well, i can't say... not that i don't know it, just i can't write korean in english that well. anyways... she is a great worker. she is like a true professional waitress and works extremely hard when she comes out. of course, nothing in this world is perfect. she has a tendancy to talk harshly. like while working, she might scold someone for not doing something right... it would be fine if she was older, but she is my age... so when she scolds someone who is 23 years old, they get pissed off. but in my perspective... if you are doing something wrong, and someone younger than you has to correct you... i think you should just shut up and just try to work harder... just my perspective. of course everyone else at the workplace thinks differently. there is this whole "age" issue that is so different... i guess it isn't even an "age" issue... just a "pride" issue. thinking that everything you do is correct and if someone picks out your flaw, you think you are still doing everything correctly. anyways... because of all this "grudges" with her and the other workers, it might get difficult and she might actually leave. sad... i have never before seen such a good worker since the day i came to bohemian. actually... to speak frankly... she is probably the first "real" waitress i have seen while working at bohemian. everyone else... in computer talk... they are newbies.

regarding church:
yesterday night, i considered going to east light... i don't know why. i guess i wanted to see the kids faces again. sherry and harry, stella, mindy and alex, jason and andy, rita, andrew and that smart girl whose name i can't remember... annett maybe?... but then i started remembering all the drama that happened... bad memories. why re live it again? so i stopped thinking about. i stopped considering it. and started watching my sassy girl and went to sleep. but i do have good memories of that place. two summers ago when it was actually a church. when anyone could see that God was there. when it really felt like home.

posted by Ibanzajoe @ 5:13 AM

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falling

i find myself tired most of the time. it is reasonable, i guess, considering how little sleep i get these days. it is pretty scary when i am behind the wheels though. i literally... yes, literally... fall asleep once in a while. it is a pretty scary experience when you are about to hit a van and you slam the breaks and your front wheels don't stay straight and turn to the left by itself. i didn't get into an accident yet... hopefully never... but im sure one of these days my luck will run out. oh well... that is life... it isn't like my whole life has been so full of luck. an accident or two won't even leave a dent in my life. but i really do love the car. my nissan 300zx... my speed daemon... the speed daemon that has a hard time accelerating for the first 3-5 miles per hour due to bad transmission.

so we have a republican in office for 4 more years. great. i guess we can look forward to four more years of massive unemployment, massive increase in the national debt, and more of the rights of Americans being ripped away by such ridiculous bills as the "patriot act". but HEY... it is what the dumb christians decided to do. well, i guess that is not totally fair. Kerry wasn't such a strong candidate either. but COME ON! he has three purple hearts.

by the way... i have to really really wonder what Bush will do about the problem revolving social security. well, i guess it really isn't "his" problem... it'll be the president after him, or the one after that that will have to take responsibility for it.


so two weeks ago i was working and i believe i saw Jenny's dad. well... if not Jenny's Dad, someone who looks exactly like him. when i say Jenny, i mean Jenny Han... you might remember her from such organization called "East Light". anyways... he kept on looking at me funny... maybe because i kept on looking at him funny... but anyways. maybe he recognized me... maybe not. maybe it isn't even Jenny's dad, but i think it was. so i called up Jenny's cell to ask if she knew. i called, but no answer. just the voice mail. i was sad. i had an excuse to give her a call, but couldn't talk with her. oh well... maybe next time.

regarding work:
so we have a bartender name Amy. she is a theif. she basically steals from our store. well, not literally, but close enough. she gives her customers hard liquor without charging them. about a month ago, we ordered a box of Crown Royal Special Small bottles. there are 12 bottles in one box. one week later, Amy told us to order another box of Crown Royal Special, Small bottles saying that we were all out. i thought it was really really fishy. it just didn't make any sense at all. so i went to my POS system, the cashier program at work, and looked up the sales of the Crown Royal Special small bottle within the last week. We sold 3 bottles in one week. so basically 9 were not accounted for. i thought about it for a while and just to be sure, i pulled out the sales of C/R Special Small bottle within the last two weeks. We sold 5 bottles during the two weeks. i decided to go to the extreme and pull out the sales within one month. we never sold more than 12 bottles during a 31 day period. what does that tell you? a little fact you should know is that the Bartenders are in charge of all the hard liquor. the people out in the tables, the waitress and waiters can't touch it unless the bartenders gives it to them to serve to the customers at the tables. so it has to be one of the bartenders. we had three bartenders at that time. Amy and two fairly new bartenders. it is highly unlikely that the new bartenders will give out hard liquor for free thinking they won't get caught. if anything they would try to figure out how the system works before attempting such things. so the only suspect is Amy. well, she isn't even a suspect. she IS the criminal behind the missing liquor.

want to hear more? the boss said we needed more corona. that there were only about 5 to 7 boxes of corona left in stock. but i thought it was fishy how we used to have 25 boxes just two weeks ago. i went to the POS system again, pulled out the sales of corona within that one month. only about 5 boxes were sold and another 5 boxes worth were in the refrigerator. so we have about 8 to 10 boxes of coronas not accounted for. another side information. at the tables, where the waitress and waiters work, when we serve corona, we open the cap and put a lime in it and then serve it. so once we take the order, it is done, we can't take it back. second side information... Tai Seung and I am constantly on the watch of the tables of what goes out there. if one of the workers don't write up what went out, i or Tai Seung reminds them or write it for them. either way, almost all are accounted for in the hall. so again... it is a problem with the bar. well, to be more accurate... problem with Amy.

posted by Ibanzajoe @ 3:40 AM

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what if im wrong?

do i take back my words on the thought that i might be wrong?

too harsh of words were said... but i really stand by it.

i was browsing through few xanga that people i know made. a lot of people on their list of links. my list... as you can see from my site, you can't compare it with others. i really don't have a list of links to others xanga. friends must be nice. well, not just friends. i mean i have friends... believe it or not. as i was looking through others xanga, i had this thought... i wish i had made more friends in high school. but i know that i live in a completely different world compared to them. they have this access... this membership... that i was never given. they all have something that i never had. and that set me apart. well... maybe a better way to put it is to say that i had something that held me back from them. hard to describe what that something is. i guess it also has a lot to do with my own status. my situation.

as important my current problems are. as urgent these issues that i have are... i just want to be normal. i want to stop. stop this madness. enough with the paperworks. enough with the trips to the DMV. enough with the mailing and the filling of forms. enough with having to update my status. enough... i just want to be able to actually enjoy life for once. to not have to constantly have this thought on the back of my head that i have important things to do.

but i guess that is what sets me apart from the others in high school. maybe that is why i feel more comfortable at work where almost everyone deals with the same issues. when i just chill with them. drinking coffee, eating, or go to the No Rae Bang, i just feel like i belong.

so maybe it isn't the fault of others for ditching me. they never had a chance, i guess. they never could understand. and they probably never will.

posted by Ibanzajoe @ 3:42 AM

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since when did i stop caring?

interesting thing happened today. andrew and julie came by work while i was finishing up the accounting. it was a stressful day. i think the visit from andrew and julie might have made it a harder day for me. sure... i am thankful that they thought of me and came to visit... of course, they were only there because they had business near my work place. i guess it would have meant more to me if they came specifically to see me... but i guess that is just wishful thinking. a conversation started and Andrew and I started talking about what my friend and I wrote on my Blog. topic was of course, christianity. i guess i had a lot to say regarding the people i call fakes. andrew wanted to know if i was just talking about joy... i said i was talking about the whole East Light... and i really meant it.

it isn't just East Light though... it is actually most of the christians i have met throughout my life. and really, i don't know why it is so hard. God wrote it out plain and simple. and yet, even if i am to suggest some changes... these christians are too stubborn to listen. thinking they are in the RIGHT and they go on with their list of excuses as to either why I am wrong or why they can't do it. and really... it just tells me where they stand with God. just dumb kids who don't know anything. unwilling to go out the front door... too scared... because they don't know any better. because staying with what they already know is safer, because being stubborn and unwilling to change is easier. because they feel they have "too much" to deal with already. because they have this belief that all they need to do is "honor" this God and that is that.

there are people that i gave my all to. and i never really expected the same love and respect back. but i am not God. i can only stand so much. if you don't give a shit about me... would you really blame me if i started not caring about you? why the hell should i even waste a second with people who don't care for my friendship? why should i take my time away from the people who needs me, wants me, desires my friendships to people who don't give a rat's ass about me?

if you think you are one of these people i am describing... please ask yourself if you ever considered me as a friend. if you ever did... go find a better definition of what a friend means because apparently you don't have a clue.

friendship... i guess it all comes down to that huh? the only thing that really matters in life. friendship. maybe i desired it too much. too much from the people who were unwilling to make that bond with me. friendship. so funny how i have closer friendships with people i meet for one week during a new school semester than the "relationship" i had with east light. it is interesting because most are not even christians. who knows... maybe i just attact the non-christian people. just suck them in with my non-christian charisma.

so i hear David Tomberlin is speaking at some christian event. even if i go, what would it change? am i going to be more Godly?... whatever that means. is it going to change anyone's perspective about what it means to be a christian? well, i guess it is more of my definition and my view of how a christian should be. Regardless... i will just end up seeing a bunch of fakes weeping and such and saying things like "god is awesome"... cheering, clapping... and then what? what is accomplished? what? people will be saved? so what? they'll be saved into the wrong religion. another fake christian is molded from the non christian pool and they start believing in this God. they will be constantly raised by books... all of which has this belief that they have it right... and then they'll go on preaching this book and what they learned without ever thinking about what they were like before and with the inability to comprehend another person's point of view. become head strong and think that they are in the right... when all it really is folks.. is a simple commandment from God that you should follow... but instead of following God's commandment they will just focus on little things like sin and what is right and what is wrong... using "tact" when talking and all these other superficial stuff that all adds up to a bunch of meaningless shit.

whether i go to hell or heaven... it is ultimately up to God. if i end up in hell, i probably deserve it. but i'll speak frankly... i have a better chance with God than most of these fakes. yeah yeah yeah... you fakes go about talking about why what i just said is so wrong... i really don't give a shit.

anyways... i think that is enough with my meaningless chatter. meaningless because the people who read it will put a meaningless value to it.

it is 6 am...

good night.

posted by Ibanzajoe @ 5:08 AM

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all work and no play makes dennis a better man

=>new job description
my manager, not officially, but all the workers call him that regardless... but anyways, he hurt his hips really bad before he started working, but he felt obligated to come in regardless and do his job. so i have been helping him for a while now with various things. this sort of puts me on the spot and makes me more busy. work, school, and sleep... well maybe a bit of "the OC" that i started downloading, but that is about all i do these days. but i enjoy the job... i consider it a challenge and i just love the people at the work place. maybe even more so than some of the east light folks. they are so, what is the word... unselfish? they really seem like they give their all for each other. something i expected from church... interesting how you find better christians at a BAR. not only that, but they are all so real. how should i say it? they are not fake?

but school and work is starting to get tough. i don't even know why the hell we have an exam in Weight training class. freaking retarded. have to memorize the freaking positions, the "correct" terms. a whole lot of BS. anyways... i feel like school is interfering with my work... not the other way around.

i don't know why i value this work place so much. why i love to go out and work. maybe it is because i have grown accustomed to the people i meet daily. or maybe it is some obligations that i have to my uncle. seriously folks... i have a hard time looking at my aunt without turning away. because i keep on feeling like she has an enormous grudge against me and my family. sad as it is, my family has leeched off my uncle for a long time. so maybe i do feel some obligation to give more than all i have to better my uncle's business. i don't know.

anyways, it is 3:45... im tired as hell... so i'll be signing off.

good night.

posted by Ibanzajoe @ 3:33 AM

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