Director Alan Parker is familiar with this brand of national self-loathing. During his film The Commitments, the manager justifies the existence of an Irish soul band by declaring, "Irish are the niggers of Europe!" And now Parker wastes no time in immersing us in the McCourts' misery. Within the first 15 minutes, we watch starvation and disease cut the McCourt children from five to two. Angela is played by Emily Watson, whose features seem cut specifically to reflect nobility in the face of hardship. Robert Carlyle is the loving yet shiftless father. He drinks his pay, thereby depriving his children of food, and his periods of inebriated unconsciousness cause him to lose one job after another. By today's rigid standards of parenting, this man is a despicable father, but I'll leave it to others to debate whether it's worse to neglect a child's emotional or biological health.

Besides, throughout most of the film, it's the 13-year-old Frank (Ciaran Owens) that we stay with. He makes us laugh with his flashes of merriment and the innocent faux pas that only a child can employ. In fact, his flippant tone infects the drama. No matter how miserable he claims life to be, this kid is having fun. For instance, Frank catches typhus and is laid up in the hospital. When the doctor comes to examine him, he lifts up and lets one rip. Frank reasons: "a doctor would never fart in front of a dying child." And being a sucker for fart jokes, I laughed all the way through the following scene, which was supposed to be a touching moment between father and son. The bad news is, moments like this (and there are quite a few) stifles the emotional impact and we start wondering why our heartstrings aren't tugging like they should. On the other hand, all good humor is extinguished any time the camera fixes on Angela. And in the end, even as we watch Frank make his inevitable getaway, Angela is the one who remains imprinted on our minds: friendless, hopeless, rotting away in a dripping cellar forever. -- Aaron Epple (Rated R.)CityBeat grade: C.

CINCINNATI FILM SOCIETY PRESENTS: Alexander Nevsky -- The Cincinnati Film Society continues its four-week Sergei Eisenstein series with a screening of the 1938 historical epic Alexander Nevsky.In 1242, Prince Alexander Nevsky fights the invading Teutonic knights on the icy surface of Lake Peipus. Eisenstein's stunning battle footage is a spiritual forerunner for modern epics such as Spartacus and Braveheart. What's most startling is how Eisenstein replaces the clang and clash of warfare with a sweeping musical score. 7:30 p.m. Saturday at the Museum Center at Union Terminal. -- Steve Ramos (Unrated.)

DOWN TO YOU -- Romance and comedy hit a New York City college campus when Al Connelly (Freddie Prinze Jr.) and Imogen (Julia Stiles) try to make their first-time romance work despite all the crazy shenanigans that surround them. Director Kris Isaccson makes full chaotic use of the time-honored conflict between commitment and promiscuity. Basically, Al needs to decide one thing: Doe he stay with Imogen or does he go and have some fun? Thankfully, Al's friends are there as bad role models.A cast of Hollywood up-and-comers -- Selma Blair (Cruel Intentions, television's Zoe, Duncan, Jack and Jane), Shawn Hatosy (The Faculty, Anywhere But Here), Zak Orth (Romeo & Juliet, In & Out), Rosario Dawson (He Got Game, Kids) and Aashton Kutcher (television's That '70s Show) gives the film a youthful oomph. Playing Al's parents, ex-TV stars Henry Winkler and Lucie Arnaz offer cameo proof that there's life beyond age 25. -- SR (Rated PG-13.) No screening.

THE END OF THE AFFAIR -- Filmmaker Neil Jordan looks to the past for this well-known tale of a wartime romance in London. Based on Graham Greene's novel, Jordan remakes the critically derided 1955 British film that starred Deborah Kerr and Van Johnson into something that looks a little less spiritual and a lot more passionate. Ralph Fiennes is a novelist in love with a married woman (Julianne Moore). Frequent Jordan collaborator Stephen Rea offers dramatic support as Moore's dull husband. -- SR (Rated R.) Not reviewed.

PLAY IT TO THE BONE -- The dialogue is a non-stop barrage of jokey banter, although little of the word play is funny. There is enough sweaty groping to fill two late-night Cable TV movies, but none of the flesh-to-flesh escapades turn out very sexy. Basically, Play It To the Bone, the boxing comedy from writer/director Ron Shelton misses its target everytime. I can't remember the last time a film crawled its way to the closing credits in such lifeless fashion.

Vince Boudreau (Woody Harrelson) and Cesar Dominguez (Antonio Banderas) are washed up professional boxers who haven't had a fight in years. They get an unexpected shot in the spotlight, the preliminary bout before a heavily-anticipated Mike Tyson fight. The catch, and you know there's always a catch, is that they need to get to Las Vegas by the end of the day. Shelton, the man behind enjoyable sports movies like Tin Cup, White Men Can't Jump and Bull Durham, mixes the drama of the ring and the comedy of a road-movie adventure into a thankless mess. Lolita Davidovich adds sex appeal to the shenanigans as an ex-lover who agrees to give these boxing buddies a ride through the desert. Davidovich wiggles well in tight dresses. The problem is that Play It To the Bone gives her curvy character little to do. Hers is a shameless task. The same can be said for Lucy Liu's (TV's Ally McBeal) cliché-ridden cameo as an oversexed hitchhiker. At least, Play It to the Bone isn't some sexist sports comedy. By film's end, Harrelson and Banderas are equally as battered by the film's bad storytelling. -- SR (Rated R.) CityBeat grade: F.

SWEET AND LOWDOWN -- Another mock documentary from veteran filmmaker Woody Allen. Sean Penn is '30s Jazz guitarist Emmet Ray. It's immediately clear that Ray is perfectly suited to be a leading man in an Allen comedy: He's talented and eccentric. Samantha Morton is his mute, devoted love interest and Uma Thurman is the socialite who looks to steal Ray away. Anthony LaPaglia, Gretchen Mol and John Waters turn the cast into a typically Allen-like ensemble. In fact, Allen himself appears as a talking head to discuss Ray's make-believe musical life. -- SR (Rated R.) Not reviewed.

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