By Woodrow J. Hinton

Jim Tarbell

We bake a bird, trim a tree, hang a wreath, loop some garland, light candles and call it a holiday season. Surely we could be more creative. How about decorating...

1. Jim Tarbell's bald head

... with lights and flowers. The city councilman and chair of the Arts and Culture Committee was sure he'd raised enough money to win re-election, so he asked that further campaign donations go to the Over-the-Rhine Foundation, which places flower boxes in Over-the-Rhine.

2. Thomas Condon's empty studio

... with new studio supplies and darkroom equipment. The imprisoned photographer's supplies, as well as his finished artwork, were seized by Fifth Third Bank and auctioned after Condon's photography company defaulted on a loan. I wouldn't want my sister's corpse dressed with fruit and photographed in the name of art, but give the man a second chance.

3. City council chambers

... with lychee nut candy for the Chinese New Year. Many of Cincinnati's quiet but 5,000-strong Chinese American community flooded City Hall to protest plans to hire developer John Elkington, who made several remarks disparaging the Chinese. Tarbell called the outpouring "one of the most unusual displays of unity in chambers" he's seen, and council immediately passed a resolution acknowledging the celebration of Chinese New Year, which in 2004 falls on Jan. 22. The Chinese hold that lychee nut candy represents strong family relationships, of which the city might want a taste.

4. Fields Ertel Road

... with a miniature (light rail) train set. Drivers will have plenty of time to study it while stalled in the perpetual traffic jam created by sprawl and big-box development. Who knows? Perhaps sugarplum dreams of enhanced public transportation will follow.

5. Bridge underpasses

... where homeless Cincinnatians camped until the city evicted them. Let's put up donation and volunteer information and a great big sign saying, "It could happen to you." Most of us, regardless of income, are one or two paychecks away from losing our own shelter.

6. Newport on the Levee

... with seven candles of Kwanzaa to represent the seven principles celebrated by the African-American holiday: unity, self-determination, collective work and responsibility, cooperative economics, purpose, creativity and faith. Ten years ago we'd have laughed if someone told us we'd be flocking to Newport to play. Cincinnati would do well to quit coveting Newport's success and try some creativity and unity of its own.

7. The judges in pit bull cases

... with faux fur stoles in the hope that they show some compassion in enforcing a new city ordinance banning pit bulls. Last time the city had such a rule, judges allowed some violators to remove nonviolent dogs from the city rather than send them directly to be euthanized, according to Harold Dates, director of the Hamilton County Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals, who opposed the ban's reinstatement.

8. WAIF's (88.3 FM) radio tower

... with flashing, blinking, garish lights, so it outshines physically -- as it does in programming -- all eight local radio stations (the maximum allowed by current federal rules) owned by that corporate behemoth, Clear Channel Communications. Where was your morning show taped?

9. Cubicles of fired Convergys employees

... with nutcrackers to be used at their discretion. At least 40 local positions have been eliminated since July, when city council approved a $52.2 million package of incentives to keep the company in Cincinnati. The Associated Press recently reported that Convergys opened two new call centers in the Philippines and plans a third, for a total of 3,000 new jobs in the Philippines and 6,000 in India. Watch for more local layoffs before the New Year.

10. Cincinnati's city charter

... with a gaping hole where Article 12 used to be. When even P&G; opposes the amendment barring legislation to prevent discrimination against gays and lesbians, you know Cincinnati ought to think again. Let's admit we were wrong and invite everyone to the holiday table. Who knows what goodies they'll bring? ©