Swank: It's all about the sexy
Burning Desires
7833 Cooper Road, Olde Montgomery
This suburban honeycomb hideout was featured in Cigar Aficionado for its world-class humidor. It boasts a beautiful fountain with outdoor seating, and inside the ambiance is luscious and inviting. The former owner is drunk when she greets me and immediately goes into a tale of woe. The bartender, Mark, makes me his version of the apple martini ($7). Not bad for a guy whose real job is hospital administrator.
Tropicana
Newport on the Levee, Newport
Miami Vice meets Prohibition era speakeasy chic at Jeff Ruby's latest establishment. This is the trendiest spot on the river -- waitresses in revealing black dresses, faux Vegas blackjack tables and a well-stocked humidor. Wednesday is ladies' night, a hot time with topless male bartenders outfitted with bowties and cufflinks a la Chippendale dancers and with apple martinis at $1.50. Extensive menu, decent prices. Not enough room to dance, but the music is hot. Suburbanites welcome.
Cricket Lounge
The Cincinnatian Hotel, Downtown
The city's best hotel also has one of the swankiest bars. The decor is exquisite, plush couches and chairs very Sex in the City-esque. The bartender, Kevin, is pleasant and accommodating. When I ask him to make me a sexy drink, he obliges with a lemon drop martini ($9). Delightfully tasty, subtle lemon flavor and the presentation is impeccable. See and be seen in this downtown hotspot.
Stank: Cheap liquor, and it's quicker
Bay Horse Cafe
625 Main St., Downtown
The city recently tried to shut down this sketchy working-man's bar because of some of its disorderly patrons. "It can be a M*A*S*H unit at times," says Jimmy, the bartender. Why buy retail when you can shop from the guy selling bootleg clothes here? Features Vegas-style hours: 5:30 a.m.-1 a.m. Rolling Stones to Ashianti are on the jukebox; "Po' Folks" by Nappy Roots is the bar's theme song. The pad-locked cooler is fully stocked with countless varieties of 40-ounce beer for carryout. White and pink pickled eggs. The "pretty drink" ($4) is the house special -- pink and fruity, contents unknown.
MaDonna's Bar & Grill
11 E. Seventh St., Downtown
One hundred-proof, real-deal seedy, ill-lit and cluttered. Cheap drinks and good eats. Packed on Monday nights with mostly male patrons. Amusement is all around -- a jukebox with 1980s classics, a pool table that doubles as underneath storage for boxes of plastic cups and a Golden Fore Tee video game that is occupied by a couple of rowdy guys who look like extras from Fight Club. A drunk guy at the bar comments on my cowboy hat, I tell him I got it cheap from Target and he goes into a tangent about Target misrepresenting sale prices. I sip a watered-down cosmopolitan and check the prints of dead Hollywood stars.
Debbie's Destiny
637 Northland Blvd., Forest Park
You won't find Beyonce sipping on Armadale Vodka here. You will, however, find yourself in a 1980s time warp where the bartender still wears acid-washed jeans and the guy by the jukebox is sporting a mullet and tight Sasson jeans. The good service and stiff drinks are the appeal. Try the potent sour apple iced tea ($2.35). Karoke night is legendary. Can't sing? Jump on one of the three pool tables in the back.
Swank: I'll be back, and soon
Havana Martini Club
580 Walnut St., Downtown
Havana bills itself as the "perfect before and after spot." It's mostly a haven for yuppies in training and middle-aged white dudes. On the plus side, the wood-paneled walls and dim lighting undeniably scream martini time. I try two, including the stellar Matador ($7.50) as I'm a sucker for mandarin. The girl next to me asks the bartender for an application, then five minutes later asks him for a ride home.
Bar Louie
Newport on the Levee, Newport
Upscale chain drinking at its mediocre best. Bar Louie is basically a sports bar disguised by a trendy makeover: Plush booths and eclectic menu are offset by ESPN-wielding TVs and comtempo hard Rock on the PA. The food and vast martini selection ($7) aren't bad.
Beluga
3520 Edwards Road, Hyde Park
Beluga's small, intimate bar area features freshly plucked rose petals and a sleek, Zen-infused decor. After a couple Heinekens ($4), my highly accommodating, exotic-beyond-belief bartender talks me into ordering the Cincinnati Roll ($10.95), a tasty blend of tuna, salmon, red snapper and avocado. I'm rewarded with a complimentary mixed drink (it's red and fruity) from her very own recipe. I'll be back, and soon.
Stank: At this price, I'll take it
Cheviot Cafe
3737 Glenmore Ave., Cheviot
Upon entering this West side landmark, the white-haired, tattooed woman behind the bar delivers some good news: "Hey, guys. It's beer night. All domestics are $1.50." Shit, aren't we lucky? And we can even put some on lay-away -- she gives us tickets for future beers purchased before 9 p.m. Decor-wise, think 700 WLW listener: Dale Earnhardt's portrait, American flags, peanut shells and this message taped to the bar mirror: "America: love it or leave it." For $1.50 High Lifes, I'll take it.
Fries Cafe
3247 Jefferson Ave., Clifton
Café is used loosely. Don't expect more than a bag of peanuts when patronizing this UC mainstay. The jukebox is above average and the lower-level billiards area is unique, if musty. And while they've finally done some upkeep on the first floor, the second floor bathroom remains one of the worst in captivity. All that said, go to Fries for one reason -- to drink.
Phoenix Cafe
641 Walnut St., Downtown
The dim antithesis of its bright neighbor, the Aronoff Center, Phoenix Cafe is like a character from a Gloria Naylor novel: gritty but colorful. As the only white man on the premises, looks turn my way. But I'm immediately assuaged by the fleshy, thirtysomething woman behind the bar: "Whaddya have, honey?" I order a Heineken ($3.00, the cheapest I've come across) as prime-era Al Green cascades from the jukebox. An older, Ossie Davis-lookin' dude to my right sings along with Al while simultaneously yelling at the Reds game on the TV behind the bar. After another beer, I head to the Phoenix's bathroom, a place I never want to visit again.
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