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Join your grandma, her friends, your neighbors and
their cousins (identity hidden for their protection) at the
nearest neighborhood church festival this summer.
And bet 23 black.
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The Money Wheel. Beer for a dollar. Girls wearing shorts. Live goldfish in little bowls, carried by children spilling water all the way to the car and then in the car all the way home. Festival crowds much larger -- and more enthusiastic -- than at a whole weekend of Masses.
The ham booth. Wicker baskets full of liquor for the winning ticket. Kids picking through piles of discarded Instant Bingo envelopes, hoping to find a missed winner.
Priests out of uniform, to the amazement of schoolchildren.
A roll of orange raffle tickets perched on your neighbor's potbelly like a bandoleer, while he strolls by, hawking, "A dollar apiece, six for 5 bucks!" Fried chicken dinners for $4, or spaghetti and meatballs, depending on the parish.
The tricky thing about being Catholic in Greater Cincinnati isn't knowing when to kneel and when to stand -- it's keeping track of the parish festivals that fill every weekend in the summer.
Trouble resolved in Burlington, according to the newsletter of the Knights of Columbus: "Immaculate Heart of Mary and St. Paul have set 2001 festival dates. Immaculate Heart of Mary festival will be July 6-8. St. Paul festival will be July 20-21. This will eliminate the problem this past summer with both parish festivals being scheduled for the same weekend."
Item in the May 27, 2001 parish bulletin at St. John Neumann Church, "Twelve Years: Things Enjoyed," by Rev. Rob Waller: "We have never had any serious trouble at our parish festivals."
Teachers in dunking booths, soaked as a result of the sure arms of vengeful seventh-grade boys. Games that guarantee small fry a prize every time: Fish Pond, Post Office. Stuffed animals, water pistols and clickers painted to look like insects.
A pastry called "Elephant Ears." A yellow helium balloon rising high above the festival grounds, watched from below by a little boy crying. He meant to let go but now wants the balloon back.
Old ladies playing Bingo in a tent, some with lucky markers they carry in their purses.
The minimum bet in Big Six: a quarter. A kid can bet 25 cents on number 6 and win 75 cents if the wheel stops on 666. No one thinks this ironic.
Politicians working the crowd, wearing T-shirts bearing their own names, accompanied by family members in matching shirts. No one wants to talk about politics, but God help the candidates who don't put in an appearance.
Number of parish festivals advertised on the Web site of the Archdiocese of Cincinnati for 2002: 99. Number of parish festivals specifying "No alcohol": 6.
Special dinner menu at St. Mary Church Festival in Piqua: cubed steak.
Special rule at Our Lord, Christ the King Church in Mount Lookout: Adults only from 7 p.m. to midnight on the first day.
Banned in the Diocese of Covington: Blackjack, roulette, craps, Keno, baccarat and poker. Chuck-a-Luck is still allowed. From the official docesan policy: "The maximum wager in any game is to be $5. This does not apply to raffles."
Banned in the Archdiocese of Cincinnati: Rat spinning and turtle races.
Special drink at the festival hosted by Mary, Help of Christians Church in Fairborn: Margaritas.
For a list of Catholic church festivals this summer, check the Archdiocese of Cincinnati Web site (www.catholiccincinnati.org) and the Diocese of Covington site (www.dioofcovky.org).
