With America in the throes of an epidemic of obesity, some food fascists are trying to solve the problem by suing outfits such as McDonald's for purveying junk food.

That is another indication of how desperate lawyers are for employment. It's also another dismal example of the culture of victimhood, the abdication of personal responsibility.

You're a waddling blimp not because you lack willpower and self-control but because a big bad corporation and its seductive advertising made you eat all those super-size french fries! Poor you.

What next? Will the nutrition Nazis at the Center for Science in the Public Interest take Genuardi's to court for selling Fruit Loops, Mountain Dew and Fritos?

Lucky thing NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue is a lawyer, because pro football is a ripe target.

Reason: Watching football on TV makes you fat.

Thanks to the folks at eFitness.com, a Web site that offers fitness advice for regular guys, we now have persuasive, if unscientific, proof.

They surveyed about 30 manly men to get a rough idea of what Joe Average watches and eats during the regular season. They based their figures on the assumption that Joe watches two games on Sunday, one on Monday.

Over six hours on Sunday, Joe drinks six beers (876 calories) and eats two hot dogs and buns (582 calories), eight ounces of chips (1,240 calories), and eight ounces of nuts (1,600 calories). Total: 4,298 calories.

The next day, while watching Monday Night Football, Joe drinks three beers (438 calories) and eats two slices of pizza (445 calories). Total: 883 calories.

The grand total for Sunday/Monday is 5,181. Multiply that by 17 - the number of weeks in the regular season (including a bye week) - and you're looking at 88,077 calories, on top of regular meals.

To be fair, you'll burn some calories even while sprawled in the Barcalounger - breathing, burping, breaking wind, shouting, cursing, working the remote, dashing for the fridge, hitting the can, swatting your wife/girlfriend on the butt every time your team scores.

Still, if you take all those extra calories and divide by 3,500 (the calories in a pound of flesh), you're still looking at 10 to 20 pounds of lard, easy, by playoff time. In other words, bellywise, you're going to look more like John Runyan than one of the ripped six-pack studs on the cover of Men's Health magazine.

Does this mean football and fitness don't mix?

"It's not an either/or thing," says John McGran, 43, editor-in-chief of eFitness.com. "We're not saying, 'Give up beer or get a belly.' It's OK to indulge once or twice a week. But it's important to realize that the calories from pizza and beer can add up fast if you don't offset them with some exercise."

McGran, a Penn State alum who roots for Joe Paterno's boys as well as the New York Jets, recommends exercising while you're watching the game. During commercial breaks, do leg lifts, sit-ups or push-ups. During halftime, instead of watching Terry Bradshaw personify the definition of blowhard, walk around the block or rake some leaves.

This is a variation of my famous Monday Night Football Ab Blaster Workout. Every time the game is interrupted by a beer or truck commercial, I slip my feet under the TV cabinet and do a set of 25 crunches. By the time Al Michaels signs off, I've usually done about 500 crunches. My middle is taut and lean, and I don't feel the slightest twinge of guilt about the caramel apples or Reese's Peanut Butter Cups I've just enjoyed.

Lately, I've added something even more fun. During halftime, I lie on my back and rock on my neck and head into a wrestler's bridge. Then, placing my hands on the floor under my shoulders, I do 25 backward push-ups. That's livin', man!

I like McGran's idea of going outside during halftime. But instead of raking leaves like a normal bloke, go as fast as you can and see how much of your yard you can clear. You'll be amazed at how hard and fast your heart pumps. Another nifty idea: Lie on your back under the bumper of your Range Rover and do leg presses.

This may come as a shock to some, but I regularly eat at Mickey D's. Yes, it's possible to get a healthy meal there, and even to maintain those washboard abs. The trick: Be selective and practice moderation.

Whenever you're tempted to play the blame game, remember this: You alone control how much you put in your mouth and how much you use and move your body.