Here at Pitchfork Consumer Studies, International, we've recently conducted a few analyses of consumers and their shopping habits. Based on our findings, we were recently able to deduce which types of consumers are more likely to enjoy Pulp's latest album, This Is Hardcore. We have also done analyses regarding the songs of This Is Hardcore to determine how they stand up to the songs on Pulp's previous efforts. After many hours of intensive research, we are happy to now present to you the results, which are divided into two sections.

Consumer Findings

There are two types of condom buyers.

1) Loudly walks into the corner drugstore asking, "Yo, wher're the caps at?!" The kid behind the counter asks, "Excuse me?" "You know, Caps... Jimmy Hats, Gloves, McRibs, Sleeping Bags, Mobile Suit Gundams, Slips, Slides, Slip 'n' Slides, Socks, Shoes, Flip- Flops, Backseat Airbags, Cozies, Boil- in- the- bag Rice, Gummis, Gummi Bears, Prophylactics, Shirts, Skins," the condom guy asks. "I need a second layer for the root." The kid replies with a voice as cracky as the littlest Hanson, "Um, yes, uh... Behind the cheap toys, aisle five, next to the rack of reading eyeglasses."

2) Sneaks in on tip- toe. The buyer hunches his shoulders like Quasimodo and darts his eyes around in paranoia like a rookie spy on PCP. The buyer circles every aisle twice to lose the trail of any potential stock- boy or curious customer. The buyer picks up random items like Ace Bandages, Post- It Notes, Saline Solution, and Funyuns with his condoms to camouflage his dirty secret. The buyer never makes eye contact with the cashier.

Fact: The first type of condom buyer is more likely to enjoy Pulp's This is Hardcore.

There are two types of brit-pop fans.

1) Wears tight black suits, oily slicked- back hair, and leather loafers. Sometimes uses a cigarette holder.

2) The second dresses like a waterboy for Manchester United Football Club, keeps a mop of shaggy hair, and accessorizes with an earring, a parka, Adidas trainers, a Gshock, and a pint of bitter.

Fact: The first type of brit-pop fan is more likely to dance to Pulp's This is Hardcore.

There are two types of bath robes.

1) Silk, embroidered, short, and pock- marked with cigarette ash burns.

2) Made of bulky terrycloth.

Fact: People who wear the first type of bathrobe are more likely to sing songs from Pulp's This is Hardcore in the shower.

There are two types of rock music fans.

1) Owns a turntable, listens to music for the witty lyrics, enjoys singer/ songwriters, can name a Burt Bacharach song, welcomes a little horn and strings now and then, snaps and whistles along to songs, relaxes to songs, croons, makes out at concerts.

2) Owns a subwoofer, listens to music for the riffs, enjoys lead guitarists, can name a Foghat song, scoffs at instruments that don't need to be plugged in, pumps fists to songs, drives fast to songs, screams, moshes at concerts.

Fact: The first type of rock music fan is more likely to put Pulp's This is Hardcore into their trunk- changer.

New Songs vs. Old Songs

There are two types of Pulp songs on This is Hardcore.

1) Continues in the established tradition of seductive sex ballads with more hooks than all the bras in Victoria's Secret. The clean guitar lines, pelvic bass, keyboards, and violin fuse into subtle pop secrets behind Jarvis Cocker's sarcastic David Bowie- on- Vodka- and- ecstacy impersonation. Songs like "Dishes," "Sylvia," "Glory Days," and "Like a Friend" serve as a sequel to Pulp's Different Class; Different Class being all night party, This is Hardcore, the long taxi ride through dawn's breaking colors, back to the flat with the shaded bedroom for one last faceless shag as the effects of narcotics wane before a hard sleep. Lyrics like "I am not Jesus, though I have the same intials" and "Without you, my life has become a hangover without end/ A movie made for TV/ Bad dialogue, bad acting, no interest/ Too long with no story and no sex" show Cocker's pseudo- macho, tongue- in- cheek delivery intact with latent tenderness, sadness, and resignation.

2) Takes Pulp in fresh directions-- darker themes, vocal effects, dance beats, trip- hop grooves, sleepy melodies, and striking sweetness. Pulp now write soundtracks for a new era of post- brit-pop cheekiness and songs for those growing old and anxious. It's hard to imagine teenagers getting into the new Pulp, or even having their parents allow them to listen to such steamy, intelligent songs. Pulp lyrically speaks to the generation that's starting to think that going out every night isn't physically, mentally, or financially possible. But the club kids can still whistle along to these pop gems and hear what life has in store for them in five years.

Fact: Both types of song make This is Hardcore a great late- late- night listen.

-Brent DiCrescenzo