Kleenexgirlwonder
Ponyoak
[March; 1999]
Rating: 8.4
At some point, I must have pissed Ryan off something fierce because I got shafted when the music industry
conference assignments got passed out this year. DiCrescenzo got to cover CMJ. Chanko got South by Southwest.
What did I get? Something called "LoFiCon '99" in Dayton, Ohio. Whoopity fucking doo. All the decent bands
were too busy with the other conferences to make an appearance at this one. They couldn't even get Lou Barlow
to sit in for a panel discussion. I could only surmise that the hyped "special secret guest appearance" was
either Jandek (fat chance) or an impromptu Harry Pussy reunion (shudder). I wasn't even looking forward to
the free booze.
When I arrived, suspicions worse than my worst suspicions were confirmed; instead of booking clubs for the
bands to play at, the conference's organizers decided to hold the thing in an old Air Force hangar on the
outskirts of town. Since they could only afford to rent the hangar for one day, all the bands were told to
set up in adjoining booths and play simultaneously. I arrived just as the first wave of bands began playing.
I imagine you've heard the racket that one self-described lo-fi band makes; can you imagine the sound of
twenty lo-fi bands all playing at the same time? It was actually kind of interesting for about thirty
seconds, before I started feeling the onset of tinnitus. I tried to find a quieter place in the hangar to
collect myself and take some notes (which mostly consisted of variations on "memo to self: kick Ryan's ass"),
but the sound followed me everywhere I went, bouncing off the cement floors, corrugated-metal roofing and my
sore, sore eardrums.
Finally, I found a place that was reasonably sheltered from the cacophonic onslaught, next to a sparsely
decorated booth that only held two people: a middle-aged man in a cheap, shiny business suit, and a much
younger man sitting on a stool, absent-mindedly strumming an acoustic guitar and singing. I could just
barely hear him over the rest of the noise. I picked up some of the poorly photocopied promotional literature
from the table and read the first sentence: "Here at Globoprodevolutech, we make the people that make things
better better at making things better by making the things which help the people that make things better make
things better better." I put the pamphlet back down.
"No, please, take it-- it's free," the suit prodded hopefully.
"Um, that's okay."
"No, really!" The man leaned over the table and pushed a pamphlet into my hand, whispering
conspiratorially, "We're doing some great things here. Great things! And you look like the type
of person who would be interested in these kinds of things."
"What kind of things? Better things?" I said sarcastically, looking around for a buffet table.
There was none in sight.
"Better than better! You see, we've noticed that most bands in the industry today suffer from
a distinct lack of efficiency. Too many members, for instance. All those ska and swing bands with
ten-piece horn sections and such. Many hands make light work, you know."
"Huh? Why does a record label care about a band's 'efficiency'?"
"Oh, we're not a record label. We're more of a generalized consulting firm that works with the
music industry in various respects. What we've done here is consolidated talent, basically." He
motioned to the young man on the stool, who kept strumming and paid no attention to us. "We took
Guided by Voices-- pre-Do the Collapse, naturally-- stripped out all the unnecessary
members, took away Robert Pollard's beer, shaved about twenty years off him, and replaced his
four-track with a computer and some mixing software. And this," he said, picking up a CD off the
stack on the table, "...this is the result, my friend. Kleenexgirlwonder."
I took the CD and examined it more closely. "Ponyoak?"
"Yessir, Ponyoak! Twenty-five tracks, seventy-four minutes, and not a clunker in sight! I'd like
to see Pollard himself beat that!"
"So, let me get this straight. This Kleenexgirlwonder is, like, a pocket version of Guided by Voices?"
The man laughed. "Pocket version?! KGW is fully functional in every respect. Sleeker, sharper, more
efficient. Graham Smith-- that's the boy's actual name-- I personally think he's better than
Guided by Voices." He leans closer again. "He actually writes lyrics, you know."
"Lyrics you can understand?"
"Sure enough."
"Hmmm." GBV, but with comprehensible lyrics. An intriguing concept. "What about this computer thing?
Why are you at a lo-fi music convention if Kleenexgirlwonder records his stuff on a computer?"
"That's the hook-- it's lo-fi recorded on a computer! Isn't that something? Sure, the tone's a little
more tinny and static-y, but it's definitely good ol' rickety lo-fi. The best part is that you sometimes
notice the computer's role in creating the music, and it's a good thing. Like the accidental hiccup in
'Don't Wait Up,' or the last half of 'I Cut Myself in Half,' where the sampled sounds get completely
rearranged within the buzzing, galumphing groove."
I looked at the list of song titles on the back-- "The Mohican Antler-Yard Alphabet," "Mayflower Looks at
Asia," "Power Bird..." At the very least, the propensity for bizarro song titles was still there. "So, the
sound is still pretty much Guided by Voices?"
"On some tracks, sure, there's a resemblance. But KGW's not entirely about duplicating the GBV
experience. On 'What Does She Know?,' for instance, there's a touch of the Apples in Stereo,
and 'Anne Marie' is actually a bit of an Irish jig. Don't that beat all! And the acoustic
numbers have a bit of a folk-country bent to them, of course. Kinda makes sense, since all the
songs are about heartbreak, both real and imagined."
"Do you-- do you mind if I have a closer listen to this?"
"Why, sure!" The suit produces a discman and a pair of headphones from under the table.
I didn't stay around for the rest of the conference. There was no story there anyway, save for
Kleenexgirlwonder. Which is why I returned to Pitchfork Central Headquarters with a box full of
Ponyoak CDs for the staff. Ponyoak is Kleenexgirlwonder's Bee Thousand,
every track a scruffy pop nugget waiting to be discovered by intrepid listeners. All this, and
I hear he's huge in Japan.
-Nick Mirov, August, 1999