Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to a historical journalistic event. In an effort to properly discuss Versus, the remix album from Scandinavian folk duo Kings of Convenience, I hereby create one of the first-ever remixed album reviews. To make this experiment a reality, I considered copying all of Pitchfork's review of Quiet is the New Loud (KoC's previous album, from which most of Versus' material derives) and adding a drumbeat. But not knowing its writer, Richard M. Juzwiak, I've opted for a different, even more revolutionary approach. With the assistance of Sven Bjørlykke, Norway's ninth-highest selling electronic artist, I present to you a live remix of my Versus review. Say hi, Sven.

"Hyggelig å treffe deg!"

Okay, let's get started. [funky drum beat] The remix album has long fought with the live album for the title of most self-indulgent career move; the equivalent of a TV sitcom's "clip show" episodes. [oonce-oonce bass] Usually consisting of clubbed-up traxx made suitable for step aerobics and fashion show runways, it's rare to find a remix album that holds allure for anybody but an artist's most diehard fans.

A Kings of Convenience remix album, however, would seem to generate a certain amount of curiosity amongst any music fan, as the duo's usual folky, soothing aesthetic makes Simon and Garfunkel sound like Megadeth. [space-synth EQ] But on Versus, Eirik Glambek Bøe and Erlend Øye enlist a number of umlauted and ø-bearing laptop wizards to sculpt their songs into something more akin to the kind of stuff Astralwerks usually releases. Given the band's highly minimalist style, the tweakers are forced to use the subtlety and restraint usually missing from remixes, tastefully embellishing the songs without being overly distracting.

It's unsurprising, then, that the most effective interpretations are offered by the most organically inclined remixers. Four Tet funks up "The Weight of My Words" with per-, per-, per-, cuss-, cuss-, per-, per-, per-, FourFourFourFour, Tet, Tet, per-, per-. Hey, Sven, I thought we agreed on no glitch?

"Angre pa."

That's okay, it's just sort of hard on the reader. [wood block clicks/clacks] As I was saying, Four Tet take on the seemingly impossible task of funking up the formerly wussy "The Weight of My Words" using live percussion breaks and turning up the bass knob. [backwards guitar feedback] It doesn't sound like much, but the increased presence of a rhythm section here-- as well as on reworkings by Rokysopp and Bamboo Soul-- transform the sparse original versions into more realized compositions.

Adding a low end doesn't change much about Kings of Convenience's reading glasses and turtleneck sound-- they still generally sound like two guys who deserve to be beaten for their lunch money. [rimshot] Thanks, Sven. Riton's addition of Latin rhythms and trumpets refashions "The Girl from Back Then" into the kind of soft-rock most commonly found on beauty salon PA systems. [bongos and maracas] Later, the duo's collaboration with Erot on "Gold for the Price of Silver" (the album's one previously unreleased track) indicates that pale Norwegians haven't quite yet mastered the swagger of 60s booty soul.

Though cheesy, these two tracks at least play to the easy listening strengths of the Kings' material, and have an enjoyable Sunday afternoon feel. [hand claps] Only Evil Tordivel (if that is his real name) takes the Bacharachiana too far with a keyboard bossa nova preset, ultra-fake horns, and what sounds like a steel drum on his "remake" of "Leaning Against the Wall." [skating-rink organ fill] Attempts to give the band a Rawk infusion, however, are similarly unsuccessful. [clanking machine rhythm] Ladytron's fuzzy synths and relentless drum loops overwhelm the breathy vocals, and, like much of their own material, grows tiresome long before the end of the track.

[smooth sax solo]

Right, Sven, that reminds me about the Kings' own "arrangement" of "Failure," which differs from the album version only in its use of sleazeball lounge horns. And while the brass adds an inoffensive, jazzy swing to the song, it's a nearly inconsequential change that only Kings of Convenience completists would find it necessary to hear/own. [wikkity wikkity turntable scratch] Same goes for the "string arrangement" of "Toxic Girl," adding (duh) strings to the original track, and the instrumental reprise of Four Tet's "The Weight of My Words" remix.

Given all this filler, Versus bears the usual problem of a remix album: the contents would perhaps have been better released on singles, or the best stuff put together as an EP. [electric piano drone] But that best stuff (Four Tet, Erot, Andy Votel's "Winning a Battle, Losing the War") gives Versus a leg up, presenting a Kings of Convenience I would actually choose over the un-remixed version of the band. Then again, the world already has one Pinback, which is what most these interpretations end up sounding like. [brass fanfare]

This concludes our experiment with remixed music criticism, sure to be the next critical trend to sweep the nation's webzines. Thanks again to Sven Bjørlykke for helping out. Say goodbye, Sven.

"Pa gjensyn!"

-Rob Mitchum, February 26th, 2002