In assessing the validity of Japancakes' latest EP, Down the Elements, one must take into account the full history of Japan and its cakes. Only when one has meticulously studied Japan's proud confectionary history can one fully understand the true nature of Japancakes.

The origins of traditional Japanese pastry can be traced back to the Nara Period, which dated from 710 to 794 A.D. Influenced by Zen Buddhist ideas coming in from Continental Asia, Japanese confectioners began to produce what are now referred to as "traditional" vegetarian deserts, the most notable of which is wagashi, a cake made of bean paste, sugar, and water. Wagashi can be divided into three categories: moist (namagashi), semi-moist (han-namagasi), and dry (higashi). Wagashi can be flavored using a variety of natural ingredients, including cherry (sakuramochi), and green tea (chatsu). Most of these varieties were developed during Japan's Edo period, an era which saw traditional pastry transform from a tasty treat into an art form. Different regions within Japan developed their own unique pastries. It was a fine time for wagashi.

When Commodore Matthew Perry forcibly opened Japan's gates to the West in 1854, he started the country on the road to rapid industrialization. During its Hermit Period," Japan had been almost completely cut off from advances in technology. But between the time of its opening and World War II, Japan's pastry industry saw great success. So did Matthew Perry, who went on to star in the hit TV sitcom, "Friends."

When the United States dropped two atomic bombs on Japan in 1945, the Japanese cake industry suffered a devastating blow. Cake factories in Hiroshima and Nagasaki were leveled, and countless cake-makers lost their lives. The United States, fearing that the Chinese communists would overtake the cake market, underwent a sweeping campaign to rebuild the Japanese cake industry. Thanks to the highly modernized factories built by the United States, Japan took a worldwide lead in cake production and sales. The increased demand for cakes in the 1950s allowed Japan to export its cakes at a higher price, thus increasing the income of Japanese soybean farmers. The cake had saved Japan's economy from the destruction of the war.

Japan's descent into recession in the late 1990s can also be traced back to the cake industry. Japanese businessmen, assuming that the greedy American consumers would buy cake as fast as they produced it, diverted funds from the auto industry to the cake industry. Unbeknownst to the Japanese, 1999 would turn out to be "year of the donut," and cake sales would fall 54%.

If you're still reading this, you probably want to kick my ass. You're probably wondering why I've wasted a good five minutes of your life telling you about Japan's cake industry. You're probably also preparing to write me an eloquent piece of hate mail, describing to me in detail all of the historical inaccuracies in my review, and what objects should be forcibly stuck into anus for such offenses. But wait! There's a method to my mayhem, I assure you. First off, I'd like you to take a look at an excerpt from Japancakes' website:

The makeshift "band" of various instruments and performers was assembled the night before the show and had no practices. The idea was to play one show and one melody, but something strange happened that night... As the performance went on, what was just a single chord began to slowly change as slight imperfections in tonal qualities would cause hidden melodies to rise and fall in the songs resulting in a beautiful, orchestral pop song.

Cut away the press kit propaganda and what are you left with? A "band" of musicians, playing "boring" music that doesn't "go" anywhere. The tracks on Down the Elements are like extended introductions to halfway-decent songs; there's a beat, and there are a few chords, but that's it. Whether or not the Japancakes intentionally left in any "mistakes" makes no difference-- these "songs" are simply too damned long and boring. No melody. No action. You just kind of find yourself sitting, grinding your teeth, waiting for something interesting to happen.

Hopefully, it has now become clear how this study of Japan and its cakes can indeed lead you to a greater understanding of the nature of the Japancakes. The record, like this review, is inane, boring, and riddled with uninteresting errors. I'm sorry I had to put you through this. Consider it a vaccine against wasting cash on a completely unserviceable record. I'm just injecting you with a milder strain to prevent infection.

-Matt LeMay