To: Pitchfork Internet Media
Attn: Ryan Schreiber, Editor-in-Chief
Re: Frank Zappa's Mystery Disc

Enclosed please find my opened copy of Frank Zappa's Mystery Disc. What gives, Pitchfork? I never asked to review this album. I don't think I've listened to a complete Zappa album in my life, unless you count the London Symphony Orchestra CD that's been on the listening station at Borders since mid-February. Really, if you want to run a respectable music site, you shouldn't dump rarities collections on the unsuspecting "new guy."

Here are some tips for the next Pitchforker who gets duped into reviewing this album:

1) Mystery Disc draws from the early, early, early Mothers of Invention years-- 1962 to 1969. It's not a greatest hits collection. It should be filed alongside Bob Dylan's bootleg series, Al Jolson's early years and Loverboy: The Making of a Legend. Oh yeah, and it's a lot more fun to listen to than any of the Beatles' Anthologies.

2) Yes, this is the one billionth re-release by Rykodisc of the Zappa canon. The original "mystery discs" were packaged with old masters, two mail-order, vinyl box sets of a whole lotta Zappa albums made available on the Barking Pumpkin label in the mid-'80s.

3) Get ready for a total hodge-podge of rock 'n' roll, doo wop, boogie, bossa nova, movie themes, in-studio rehearsals, early gigs, Zappa- as- disc- jockey excerpts, skits, lectures, interviews, and lots of guitar shenanigans-- all seamlessly edited together so the tracks follow one another without missing a beat. (Who wants to suffer through three dozen, one-second commercial breaks?)

4) Of the 35 tracks, 9 are less than one minute in length, 10 more are less than two minutes, and 6 more are less than three minutes. Top that, Robert Pollard.

5) The CD booklet is in excess of thirty pages, and includes Zappa's original liner notes for every track, plus no fewer than 22 pictures of the band. Here's the note for "Duke of Prunes:" "This music is part of the "Run Home Slow" score. In this scene, a nymphomaniac cowgirl is getting plooked by a hunchback, next to the rotting carcass of a former donkey. Really. Really."

6) You should probably end the review with something like, "Mystery Disc is only for diehard fans (and you know who you are)." But let's get real: what kind of diehard Zappa fan doesn't already own this album? Why not say something like, "I had a blast listening to this demo tape of Weird Al's older brother." Or, "If you add Mystery Disc to your CD collection, your hipness rating will go up by 13 points. Don't be stupid and pretend to know more about Zappa than your readers.

7) Six words: "I Was a Teen-Age Malt Shop."

-Zach Hammerman