If you like to ensconce yourself in heavy fabric during sweltering summer heat; if you listen to Christmas carols while decorating for Halloween; if you need to drink a pot of coffee before going to bed, and if you happen to live in four- seasonal weather like myself, then purchase the Phantom Surfers' Skaterhater immediately!

I was driving down Interstate 95, the aorta of East Coast traffic, in torrential rain when I first listened to this album. Needless to say, the band's low- fidelity, technically incompetent reinterpretation of West Coast surf- rock didn't much appeal to me at the time. It's not the sort of summery work-- like Jane's Addiction's Nothing's Shocking, for instance-- that provides a dreamy escape back to warmer, carefree days; rather, it picks away at your already fragile attempts to make peace with the impending cold, and laughs at you, scoffing, "Ha! It's still warm where we live!" Bastards.

And really, these guys oughta be ashamed of themselves-- their approach is completely devoid of the technical proficiency that makes this genre, favorably represented by the likes of Dick Dale, even remotely notable. "Sidewalk City" sounds like a junior- high band's first attempts at playing "Louie, Louie," and the one- track recording method employed in the album's "production" highlights these musical minuses even more. Most of the songs are pointlessly instrumental-- though, what they're attempting to showcase in these purely musical forays is hard to determine-- and on the rare occasions where vocals are included, you suddenly recognize the advantage of the instrumental approach.

There is one exception to this latter point-- "You Meet the Nicest People on a Harley" is both catchy and amusing, which makes you wonder why the band doesn't demonstrate this ability more often. The only other notable point on the album is "Sheena Was A Punk Rocker," a surf- Musak interpretation of the Ramones' classic of virtually the same name.

Perhaps there is one practical use for this album: your family plans on having a luau party, and they insist on playing Jimmy Buffett as a means of creating the perfect atmosphere. You surreptitiously slip-in Skaterhater, reveling in your subversive action while the partygoers don't seem to notice. But even then, the Beach Boys would probably work just as well.

-Kevin Ruggeri