I've never understood the Cult of Iggy. The Stooges records I've heard sound pretty good-- kind of a rougher, more driving version of what the Stones were doing in the early 70s-- and I like the highlights from his solo career. But I never felt the scrape of the edge Pop was said to possess. His mystique has always escaped me.

Like many aging legends from the classic rock era, Iggy has struggled to maintain his dignity while mixing it up in what is essentially a young man's game. 1999's Avenue B was a detour that found Pop ditching the harder stuff in favor of a restrained and reflective approach, with some pretty damn spotty results. Reversing field, the more abrasive Beat 'Em Up is Iggy's attempt to put some cut back in his strut. Well, looks like time for Plan C.

Record clubs like Columbia and BMG figure out which catalog to send you by asking you to indicate which kind of music you like when you submit your application. As I recall, one of the options is always "Hard Rock." The sound of Beat 'Em Up is quintessential "Hard Rock," which means it lacks the stones to go for genuine heaviness, but is equally afraid to incorporate any hint of femininity. The result is an extremely bland middle ground perfect for cultivating Don Dokkens.

In the center of Beat 'Em Up's tepid hard rock pudding is James Newell Osterberg, loudly complaining about everything under the sun. People in L.A. are licking ass. The music industry is full of weasels. Irony has displaced soul. The title of the album's 13th track sums it up nicely: "It's All Shit." His cantankerous ways would be tolerable if Iggy had anything original or interesting to say, but he can manage only cliché. The chorus of "The Jerk" ascends with, "His brain is full of dirt," and then comes back down with, "That's why the guy's a jerk." The song "Football" finds Iggy using the gridiron as a metaphor for life: "I'm a football, baby/ Going around the field/ I've been passed and fumbled." Sacked for a 25-yard loss is more like it.

The melodies, the riffs, it's all third-rate bar band stuff. But Iggy's curmudgeonly persona is the real turn-off on Beat 'Em Up. If Jack Lemmon had been able to hold on for a few more months, he could have teamed with Pop to make Even Grumpier Old Men. To each his own, but I can't understand why anyone would want to worship the Walter Matthau of rock 'n' roll.

-Mark Richard-San, November 30th, 2001