You can do things in Holland that you could never do elsewhere. Many people travel thousands of miles to enjoy those illicit splendors, like legal drugs, prostitutes, and assorted other vices. And over the past few years, Amsterdam-based indie label Konkurrent has added to this list of otherwise unavailable opportunities with its In the Fishtank series. The series, now in its eighth installment, offers relatively popular indie acts the opportunity to drop by Amsterdam for two days and record anything they choose. Some go into the studio alone, like June of 44; others go in pairs, like Tortoise + the Ex, and Low + Dirty Three. Rarely do the bands practice, and unfortunately, it generally shows, resulting in albums that are usually better than average but far from exceptional. The latest in the series, the Willard Grant Conspiracy + Telefunk, follows suit in its mediocrity.

The Willard Grant Conspiracy is well-known for country-folk acoustic balladry, fronted by the dour baritone of lead conspirator Robert Fisher. In theory, Fisher's authentic, intimate delivery would lend itself compellingly to collaboration with a darker, electronically minded group like Telefunk. Yet when put to the test, this theory proves false. What's documented here is a short six track album of traditional covers, a few of which are good, and the others, which are somewhat difficult to endure.

The spacious opener, "Twistification," sounds like the Willard Grant Conspiracy + the Willard Grant Conspiracy. Telefunk? Undetectable. This is a running theme throughout the disc, as some tracks simply sound like WGC, and others simply like Telefunk with a Robert Fisher cameo. Except for "Cuckoo," where a funky double-bassline gets peppered with a folky blend of strings, banjo and background wailing, the bands don't seem to be working together that well. What I'm saying is, they missed that "Sesame Street" covering cooperation.

Of course, only a couple songs are dreadfully bad, but for these, 'bad' as an adjective fails to evoke the full experience, but suffice to say that the horror always lies in the vocals. One of these more crap moments comes with "Grun Grun Grun," which features Fisher and the Telefunk crew chanting the names of colors back and forth to one another in two languages for pretty much the duration of the track. Whoever produced it also found the time and energy to give it Gregorian overtones. As anyone who's ever listened to Enigma knows, this can only be properly executed with the saccharine pretentiery of a whispery French chick and that one ethnic instrument that always manages to find its way into Neutrogena commercials. (Follow-up hit must prominently feature the senilic wail of a Polio-stricken retiree pretending to be Native American.)

Elsewhere, "Just a Little Rain," is by far the worst song I have heard all year, and that includes "Nod Ya Head (Black Suits Comin')." It's hard to nail down exactly how they fucked up so royally with this track, but the crucial misstep seems to come with the totally non-European, faux-West Indian accent turning "what have they done to the rain" into "what have dey done to de rain?" I'm sorry I had to write that, but imagine what it was like having to listen to it.

The record recovers a bit with the closing track, an adequate-enough little number titled "Dig a Hole in the Meadow." Again, Telefunk have retreated to the background here, perhaps content with the damage they've already wrought. Beyond that, I don't know what you want me to say about the Willard Grant Conspiracy + Telefunk's In the Fishtank. Uh, don't buy it?

-Brad Haywood, August 1st, 2002