STATUS REPORT ON THE PITCHFORKOBOT 2000

INTRODUCTION:

The Pitchforkobot 2000 was developed through a partnerhsip involving the Tagasaki Corp. and Multivox industries to help magazine editors churn out record reviews without having to deal with common problems associated with their human writers (drunkenness, death threats, sexual insecurities, etc.) The industry immediately recognized the Pitchforkobot (hence referred to as P-Bot2k) as an indispensible way of filling those back pages with clean, smut-free commentary that accurately gauged the actual sonic worth of a recording based on a complex series of wavelength tests (which were earlier developed by Multivox) and random sentence generators (created by Tagasaki). While intially expensive, market demand brought prices down considerably in the early 1980s and the audience for popular music is said to have been greatly influenced by said droid. (Disco and the career of Spandau Ballet are notable in this regard.)

P-Bot2k 1998

With some minor upgrades to the androids' processing chips, the multitude of P-Bots were working at full capacity until a German band by the name of Oval came on the scene in the mid- 1990s. Deconstructing music machinery with CD- scratched rhythm tracks, heavily processed samples, and possessed computer programming, Oval forsakes virtually every convention of muscial composition for the sake of oddly compelling sonic effects.

The virtually indescribable sound collages that have resulted from their records (1998's Dok, for example) have done serious damage to the P-Bots where they were introduced. Operating at jarringly obtuse frequencies, Multivox's wavelength tests are simply useless for this kind of music. Without the proper wavelength analysis, the sentence generators were found to spew forth indescribable verbiage that was found to be inappropriate for publishing.

More seriously, Oval's music has had a longer term effect on the P-Bots, in that they seem incapable of recalibrating themselves. Even outside intervention in the circuitry has proven to be fruitless and even tragic. One computer programmer in San Fernando was blinded while trying to remove the Oval virus, as the P-Bot started spewed out battery acid. (Strangely, the P-Bot was heard to be saying, "Die, yuppie scum, Die Die Die!" and "Technology is the means by which Humanity commits Suicide," which is surprising given that the P-Bot was not given any mechanisms that would allow even the most rudimentary forms of speech).

The Future

It is recommended that all editors use human writers if they feel they absolutely must review Dok or any of Oval's other records. However, given the industry's dependance on P-Bots, one can assume that this report comes too late. The consequences of this phenomenon are devastating. With human music reviewers, we can expect more idle flim-flam and self-gratifying anecdotes parading as muscial opinion. The public, previously so easily guided by the steady P-Bots, will be confused and disillusioned with music. Riots will erupt as people wonder why they don't have money. Governments will topple. Secrets that were safely hidden by various technological barriers will become common knowledge.

Thanks to Oval, modern civilization as we know it will end. Get your shotguns kids, we're going to the woods.

-Samir Khan