Let us now join Michael Nyman-- composer, iconoclast-- in his study as he inks the final bars to his crowning achievement: a beguiling score for United Artist's splendiferous new period drama, The Claim, an acclaimed claim to claimancy. Starring Milla Jovovich and Nastassja Kinski. Score to be recorded by the prodigiously endowed Michael Nyman Orchestra (Maciej Rokowski substituting on fifth violin for Lo-Pi Quan, currently on leave with the Ebola virus. Best wishes):

[mumbling-unintelligible] . fifth measure. No, not C! B flat you detritus! You vile pustulous mook!

Hark! What stirs in yonder glade? A nightingale, sweet and melodious? A cruel nordic breeze, ponderous with doubt? Ponderous with. with. Milla Jovovich!! Oh Milla, what I wouldn't give to contort your boyish limbs in unspeakable ways while you urinate on my bare shoulder. Oh Milla. Millamillamillamillamillamilla.

Stop it Michael! Mother warned you about this. "Impure thought is Satan's lot." "Legs and breasts are Satan's tests." "Excitation brings damnation." Oh dear, oh. breathing heavy. blood pressure rising. Inhale positivity, exhale negativity. In with the virginal, out with the.

Ahhh. That's better. Let's review what we've written, shan't we Michael?

What a magnificent idea, Michael.

Thank you, Michael.

They didn't give you that Australian Film Institute Award for nothing.

Don't forget the Chicago Film Critics Association Award.

I was getting to that.

Enough. Wait makes waste.

Quite right.

Now, where were we? B flat to A. [unintelligible]

[mumbling] . and a suspended ninth and. and. See how the moon's mercurial hue doth cloak the still night, like swathing clothes of the purest silk. like. silk. silk sheets with you, Nastassja. Mmm, you look delectable this evening. Lie still while I fasten your ankles to the bedpost. What did you say? Quincy should be back any minute? Well then, better leave the nipple clamps. You just bite down on this Golden Globe while I reach over here and. oh. oh yes! Yes! A little lower, lower, too low, yes, THERE! YES! YES! NASTASSJA! NASTASSJA! TOGETHER WE SHALL RULE THE WORRRRRRRLD!

[heavy breathing]

oh michael. [whimpering] michael. you need help, michael. what will they think at the national theatre? will they take away michaelnyman.com? will they force you to play with metallica again? oh, why do you curse me so? you too cruel world! [uncontrollable sobbing]

And thus we leave Michael Nyman, the 21st century's pre-eminent composer. Immortality awaits.

-Sam Song