Swell
For All The Beautiful People
[Beggars Banquet]
Rating: 3.5
Pitchfork: Welcome to Pitchfork's quickie "Critics In the Round" Internet
series. My guests today include former MTV news diva Tabitha Soren, actor
Wilford Brimley, and everyone's favorite, deceased father- figure, Captain
Kangaroo. Today's subject for critique is Swell's new record, For All
The Beautiful People. Along the way, we'll examine this fad of vintage
brit-pop psychedelia drifting over us like a thick cumulus cloud of pot smoke.
First, let's go directly to Tabitha Soren reporting via satellite from New
York City's streets.
Tabitha Soren: I'm reporting live from the Grunge wing of Beth Israel Hospital's
Alternative Rock Rehab Center. Former alterna- grunge kingpins Chris Cornell
and former Alice In Chains singer Layne Staley were released today after an
intensive two- year recovery program. Like me, they've been forgotten and
rejected by their own generation, betrayed by the drug- chic contingent,
and, until recently, totally oblivious to what's happening in rock music
today. Here with me is alt-rock rehab counselor, Todd Rundgren.
Todd Rundgren: "Well, Tab,
I just played the Verve's Urban Hymns for Chris and Layne, and its
sonic stepchild, Swell's For All The Beautiful People. Both albums embody
the kind of end- of- the- century modernity that should set these poor souls
back on the path to full career recovery." Rundgren says Cornell and Staley
have already decided to collaborate on a similiar "modern- yet- vintage"
album with a similar "trippy- dippy" sound. Earlier, I followed Cornell and
Staley, eavesdropping on them as they staggered down East 12th Street:
Staley: "Wow, I get it. Todd says we should try and re-make XTC's Skylarking
without coming off like cynical limey atheists. These dudes Swell and the
Verve remind me of Strawberry Alarm Clock, and that sorta loopy, soulless
stoner shit, man. I've always wanted to do this kinda thing. We can get the
London Philharmonic to add string sections."
Cornell: "Fuckin' shit, man. Swell's vocals sound like us harmonizing on
the nod."
Staley: "Forget that shit. What're we gonna call our album? That's my main
concern. How 'bout Evolver?"
Cornell: "No way, ya pussy. We'll call it something like Axe This: Bowl
of Love."
Staley: "I can smell the irony from here, man."
Cornell: "Okay. First things first. We'll need someone who can play guitar
backwards..."
Tabitha Soren: I've just learned that Cornell and Staley will release
their '60s tribute album Sgt. Leper's Only Grunge-Love Band sometime
this year. It's a slice of modern psychedelia that echoes the revolutionary
sounds of the '60s and pays homage to the flexibilty of our '90s free market
economy. Face it. Bands like Swell and the Verve inspire us all to become
nature- loving, acid- dropping '90s flower children. It could mean salvation
for an otherwise lost generation. It's beautiful. Back to you guys in the
studio..."
Wilford Brimley: For All The Beautiful People is a return- to- nature record
as much as anythin'. Yep. Ye got 'cher woodsy atmospherics, cicada chirps,
bluebirds singing, lots of sleepy vocals. And then there's the
gently- strummed acoustic gee-tars gathered around a softly- lit electric
campfire. Got some weird inverted gee-tars, too. Like Grape Nuts, Swell's
got the nutty fresh flavor of the great outdoors.
Captain Kangaroo: Well, I confess I dunno what the heck a Strawberry Alarm
Clock is. But Swell's For All The Beautiful People does remind me of a
strawberry pop tart. You kids, too, can concoct this dessert in the privacy
of your own home. Sample a few tasty sound bytes from Magical Mystery Tour,
toss in some rose hip and peppermint sentiments, and a few acoustically- rendered
chord progressions in the keys of C and A minor. While that mixture warms in
the oven, parade around your front yard in desert boots or Roman sandals. Wear
bellbottom blue jeans and floppy leather hats, buy reissued Vox equipment,
use hemp stationery, and affect a hoarse, whisper of a voice. And believe me,
kids, you don't have to be smart, or even British, to bake an adequate late- '90s
Brit- pop tart. Just be careful. For All The Beautiful People does
promote tooth decay.
Pitchfork: Okay, fellas. Time for my closing statement. For All The Beautiful
People is an album in dire need of electro- shock treatment. Somebody needs
to wake these guys up before they choke on their own vomit. The album is
another fin de siecle failure at marrying '60s psychedelia with a '90s
techno-pop sensibility. You want self- indulgent '60s psychedelic hodge-
podge? Buy the Jefferson Airplane's After Bathing At Baxter's. Good
night.
-Michael Sandlin
Disclaimer: This review is a piece of satirical fiction.
We did not interview Wilford Brimley, the deceased Captain Kangaroo, or
Tabitha Soren. And Tabitha Soren did not interview Todd Rundgren, who
is not a rehab counselor. And Todd Rundgren has never counselled Chris
Cornell or Layne Staley. Cornell and Staley have never considered a
'60s tribute collaboration, and even if they had, we suspect they'd
have more sense than to call it Sgt. Leper's Only Grunge-Love Band.
Furthermore, there is no Grunge wing in Beth Israel Hospital, nor do
they have an Alternative Rock Rehab Center. None of the conversations
contained in this review have ever taken place. Michael Sandlin's
comments on Swell's record, however, do represent his actual opinions.