It started innocuously enough-- the sound of children playing, a bell ringing... but things went suddenly and raucously awry when the guitar feedback started in. It wasn't long before I realized that I had stumbled into the Average White Guy Band trap again. Friends, I tell you now that life is too short to dwell on the Average White Guy Bands. Sure, stick with Led Zeppelin, sew that Pink Floyd patch back on, but have strength. Remember that most Average White Guy Bands have litle to offer other than warmed-over teen angst and self-conscious, so-called "creativity." I know that these are hard words for you to hear, but I know you, man. I was there once. I actually owned all of the Firm's albums! I feel your pain, brother.

Which brings us to Vallejo. Man, is this a bad album! I believe I'm actually breaking out in hives, it's so bad. (I hope that itching is hives, anyway.) These guys are morons. There's a picture of the band on the back of the disc, and the only emotion it evokes in me is... pity. That these losers hope to be taken seriously is perhaps the most amusing thing.

It's tough to write such a review-- to simply bash, with extreme prejudice. But I do it for the children, those to whom the Average White Guy Band is merely a source of curiosity. But we've had the Average White Guy Band for many lifetimes, and the time is now to stop the insanity! I don't care if you're a quartet, a trio or five pieces of poop on a platter, I cry now the battle cry for this generation! Abolish the Average White Guy Band! Demand creativity! Throw away your guitars and Zildjian Cymbals and bend over! Thank you, sir, may I have another?! Thank you, sir, may I have another? Ooh!

-James P. Wisdom