Dad: It's like I said before, son. TV rots the brain. It gets in the mind. It destroys good family values. It eats away at the decency of the common man. It's bad for your eyes. Gives you cancer. Causes wars. Damn the game shows! Damn the talk shows! Damn the soap operas! Damn the sitcoms! Damn the dramas! Damn the... especially damn the infomercials! Only good thing for ya on the TV's the news.

Son: But a lot of famous people watched TV! A lot of scientists and doctors and lawyers and stuff. Everyone watches TV.

Dad: No. That is not true. The only famous person that ever watched TV was them MTV MJs or whatever you call 'em. And they're morons. Brains rotted clean through.

Son: Well, a lot of music I listen to... those people have millions of dollars.

Dad: And no brains! Take that DeeJay Punk-Roc you had blarin' in the bedroom a minute ago. You think a guy like that has a brain? No, sir! Playin' that loud music. Perfect example. And you kids... dancin' and shakin' and wearin' tight clothes. Doin' drugs... Are you on drugs? Be straight with me.

Son: Dad!! Of course, I'm on drugs. Every fuckin' kid in the world's on drugs. I do shitloads of drugs. What? You think I spend all day at school?

Dad: Jesus Christ! Yer eight years old! When I was eight we played with tools and jumpropes and... tin cans. Drugs, son? Why didn't you tell me?

Son: 'Cause I'm not an idiot.

Dad: That's where you're wrong. And this is the TV's fault. That Punk-Roc guy... I bet he's on drugs, too. All this noise he causes.

Son: Don't shit on Punk-Roc, ya cocksucker! His wacked out beats, weird, late- nite TV samples, and kitschy funk could kick Neil Diamond's ass anyday.

Dad: Bullshit! Neil Diamond's a real man-- a smart man. His music is unbeatable. Unmatched.

Son: Wrong. And I'll tell you why. Punk-Roc's got originality and innovation in a new genre they call "electronic." Roc's doin' shit with turntables you can't even imagine. Neil sings, dad. He sings. Any beefy middle- aged retard can sing a few notes.

Dad: Now that is enough! I'd...

Son: Man, there's a lot of electronic music out there. A lot of drum-n-bass, a lot of jungle, a lot of trip-hop, a lot of dub. This is old- school, laid- back hip-hop beats spliced with samples from 1950s TV shows and commercials. His album ChickenEye has got the intellegence of DJ Shadow mixed with the lighter side of Coldcut. How the fuck is Neil D. gonna stand up to that?

Dad: Well, I'll tell ya-- I got lost in all your third- grade mumbo jumbo, son. And I think the TV's to blame.

-Ryan Schreiber