I have devised a fool-proof method of rating technical hardcore music called the "hardcore points system." In order to demonstrate this, I need you to clap four times. Go on, do it. If you are part of the 96% majority (the other 4% is comprised of out of work drummers), you probably clapped in 4/4 time to a simple beat. Now, clap in 4/4 time, but intentionally forgo clapping on the third beat, and instead, point forcefully at your imaginary audience. This is a hardcore point.

Since technical hardcore bands cram way more into their songs than they reasonably need to, hardcore points often serve as a means to accent the better elements of hardcore music: rapid time changes, fast starts/stops and integrated screaming. The more hardcore points, the better the hardcore song. And as we all know, better hardcore songs equal a better hardcore album. Simple enough? Time to give this album a hardcore rating.

One King Down
Gravity Wins Again (first three songs)
[Equal Vision]
Hardcore Rating: High

These three new songs still support that trademark of hardcore: reliance on the macabre. But here, they actually flaunt music worth its salt. E-flat tuning, vibrato, chorus, and wah petals accent huge power chords. Variant vocal delivery slices through cacophonous hailstorms of intense distortion and rage. Lines like, "Only quicksand swallowing me/ And I'd spit on your fucking hand were it offered to save me," drip sarcastically from frontman Rob Fusco's lips like gooey strings of saliva.

Regretably, I'm a nerd and have nothing better to do than monitor the cumulative hardcore points found in the first three songs of Gravity Wins Again. So, I'm unscientifically estimating that a high hardcore points score equals a Pitchfork rating of roughly 8.0. Unfortunately, the second movement of this album isn't as good.

One King Down
Gravity Wins Again (last four songs)
[Equal Vision]
Hardcore Rating: Who cares? Sane people are too busy bandaging their ears.

In a perfect world, Gravity Wins Again would have been released as a three-song EP. Instead, it contains three new tracks and four old ones that were originally released as One King Down's debut, Absolve. The only reason I can possibly fathom for this is that the band wants to show how much they've progressed since their early days. The Absolve session receives a Pitchfork rating of 0.8.

Musically, Absolve is comparable to Slipknot without the ridiculous evil clown-meets-mental patient gimmick. To accurately exemplify how bad these songs are, "Nine Eyes" exclusively features a rabid, immature band shouting their name ("One King Down!/ One King Down!") for a seemingly infinite amount of time. The other older songs are called "Bleeding," "Reawakened," and "The Killing Fields." I think the titles are pretty self-explanatory. This was a band obsessed with images of massacre, death, and slaughter with no explanation whatsoever.

In conclusion, let's just forget that the Absolve songs are even on here. Why re-release laughable material? Sure, the hardcore points are in abundance, and floorpunching 14 year-olds can mosh to it with manic joy. That doesn't repair the damage it's done to my ears.

-Adam Ohler