This episode finds Major Matt Mason USA flying reconnaissance missions from the U.S.S. Chicago, a trident submarine off the coast of New Zealand. While the rest of the crew busy eats soft- serve ice cream on the tennis level of the Chicago, Matt's catapult- launch, camouflage hang- glider is speedily circling Mt. Taranaki, with Major Matt himself looking through his Glonko Monocle for any signs of a pidgin- pigeon colony in Taranaki's giant crater.

"They've got to be here somewhere!" he muttered to himself, making sure to take note that the cloud formation he was flying through somewhat resembled one he'd flown through earlier in the day, and that perhaps it even was the same one. As he debated this matter, a voice came through on the hailing frequency of his Glonko WristRadio.

"Major Matt Mason USA. We have your next mission." It was Side Admiral Spanky Tim Shaw. "Major Matt, are you there?"

"Yes sir, it's just that... you see... these clouds."

"We know Matt, we know. Never mind the clouds. And the pidgin- pigeons were just a clerical error. Come back to the Chicago. I think you're gonna like this one."

Hours later, Major Matt Mason USA stands on the day-spa level of the Chicago with Side Admiral Shaw:

"Matt, we need you to sing for the Soft Serve Social. You see, the Mutual President of the U.S.S. Minus Texas will be aboard on Thursday, and you know how much he enjoys having musical accompaniment for his socials."

"Yes, sir. I understand the situation. I will do it... I will do it."

"That is excellent, Major. We will round up the most talented musicians on the Chicago to back you up for this. We need this to be so excellent."

"Well, I think that I have just the songs for the social. I only work alone, though. I won't need any other musicians."

"Major Matt, I'm afraid that you don't understand the situation we have here. We really want you to have some of the men back you."

"Sir, but I don't need a back-up band. I recorded a full length album without one."

"Me Me Me?"

"That's the one. No backup band there. Just me and my guitar."

"That's our point. We think you could have used one there, too. Sure, you have a good pop sensibility, but..."

"Hey, now! I think the album is fine. What about 'Mr. Softie'? Now there's a great opening. Fun lyrics. Some good change- ups. That song doesn't need anything else."

"Yeah, it's a good opening, but halfway through, I was getting impatient waiting for the big guitars to kick in. Then comes 'Budapest' which, again, is catchy, but I figured it would most certainly bring in the drums. Right after you sing, 'There's always room for two in the manger/ If you don't mind sleeping with a stranger..." Bam! Bring on the cymbal crash and some big bass. Didn't you grow up listening to some sort of classic rock? All that stuff is coming back in style again. Embrace your roots."

"But Corporal Elliott Smith UAE didn't use anyone on his first three albums!"

"Ahh, and then he went big. Brought in the strings and whatnot. Anyway, his songs are depressing, and sparse arrangements lend themselves well to that style. You have upbeat hooks and..."

"Well, Hayden does a lot of acoustic solo stuff."

"But he uses some interesting production techniques to keep your attention and brings the band in when needed."

"My lyrics will keep their attention, though."

"You can't solely rely on lyrics, though, Matt. You have to craft some good songwork underneath them. I mean, don't get me wrong-- your playing is fine and the technique is there. It just needs something... more. You need to learn when enough is enough. Here's an example: halfway through Me Me Me, you give us 'I Know You Know,' which makes beautiful use of your vocals and guitar, weaving from 'When the Saints Go Marching In' into a vertical scale and not letting us hear where our reference downbeat is until you begin singing. Then you build from just picking to some full- on strumming."

"Should I add some electronica? Maybe a drum machine?"

"No, you'd delving into early They Might Be Giants' territory if you combined that with your quirky lyrics. You just need a band."

"Can I keep my name, then?"

"Maybe change it to Major Matt Mason and USA. USA could be the rest of the band."

"Okay, sir, for this one show, I'll do it. I have 71 hours to put together a band before the Mutual President arrives. To the practice level deck!"

[Historical Note: Major Matt Mason USA is not from the future.]

-Chip Chanko