Time for a little quiz.

An inhazer is:

1) A grating, obnoxious hiss created by asshole musicians attempting to "push the limits of conventional musicality"
2) An obviously disturbed Englishman who sings in an intolerable falsetto
3) A disjointed, aggravating mess
4) A waste of $20
5) A nipple-swan

Wrong! "Inhazer" isn't a word. However, any of the above options would serve as fine definitions if Webster's ever considered including it in a future edition.

Volcano the Bear's The Inhazer Decline probably doesn't sound like anything else in your collection (unless you happened to purchase the Music Tapes' equally unlistenable First Imaginary Symphony for Nomad). But that doesn't in any way alter the fact that the record won't last for more than a few minutes on your stereo. Its layered hiss, garbled screams, disorganized polytonality, and endless reverb and delay-- not to mention a vocalist that makes the Flaming Lips' Wayne Coyne sound like Tom Waits-- all contribute to a detached-sounding, thoroughly unriveting listen. Yes, at times the muffled, distant yelps and unimaginably grating music are genuinely disturbing. But it's hard to tell if that disturbance is a result of the music itself or the uncontrollable urge to make it stop. Please God, make it stop!

The Inhazer Decline is not without its tolerable moments, though. "Quarterstone" finds the English quartet deep in a somewhat admirable Tortoise-esque groove. Even the demented acoustic guitar improvisation of "The Queen's Teeth" seems somehow refreshing in the midst of the rest of Volcano the Bear's tossed-off hijinx. But odds are you won't make it that far into the album. In fact, if you can actually manage to wade through all 10 minutes of the preceding track, "Mung," with its drowning cat noises and non-relenting fuzz, I have an award waiting for you. It's got a little bronze statue of a guy with bleeding ears and spiral eyes glued on top.

Incidentally, if you're wondering about the nipple swan, that's one of the many paintings found somewhere within the album's liner notes that utilizes abstract, and not-so-abstract genitalia. There's even a throbbing cock drawn on the CD itself! Kind of surprising, considering that this is likely the least sexy album you may ever have the opportunity to listen to.

Taken in small doses, The Inhazer Decline can be a somewhat interesting test of how high your tolerance for grating noise is. Shit, there are even some relatively cool sounds thrown in, if you can pick them out through the other 100 layers of merciless annoyances. Long-term exposure, of course, is not recommended. If you or someone you love has been exposed to Volcano the Bear, call the law firm of Pollard, Shields, Yorke and Malkmus. There's no fee unless you get results.

-Matt LeMay