The following horoscope chart comes complete with an interpretation of how your astrological sign will affect your enjoyment of Twilo, Vol. 1 by Junior Vasquez, the legendary house DJ.

Aries (Mar21-Apr19)

Simply put, things have been crazy lately. Your life is in upheaval, and you're afraid that any further risks you take may lead to great embarrassment, and even greater failure. Therefore, I wouldn't suggest buying this 2xCD set. Yes, the pulsing beat, jumpy synths, juxtaposed handclaps and uplifting sirens of the opener, Pre Ymo's "Indo," immediately make you want to dance the night away. But don't. You'll end up drinking too much and taking drugs and doing something totally embarrassing like pissing on the center of the club's dancefloor. In front of your boss. Whom you then puke on.

Taurus (Apr20-May20)

You're not too old, but you feel as though you are. This depresses you. Well, Junior Vasquez is 51, and he still spins Saturday nights at Twilo, the New York megaclub which was once home to the world-famous Sound Factory, which Vasquez co-founded in 1989. So buy this CD and laugh at Vasquez for being older than you. It's cheap, but it'll make you feel younger, like the time you pushed that old man in front of the #6 train.

Gemini (May21-Jun21)

You liked that Cher song, "Believe," because her voice was all weird. What was it called? Vocorridor? No, that's not it. Anyway, you'll like this album because that effect is here in spades, as are chopped, cut, pasted, stuttered, and reversed vocals.

Cancer (Jun22-Jul22)

I'm sorry, but your days are numbered.

Leo (Jul23-Aug22)

As it so happens, you actually like house music, but find it often blends together after awhile. Don't feel alone-- with over two hours of music, Twilo, Vol. 1 keeps it nice and mind-numbing. But there are many notable moments, including the dynamic beat and unpredictable pitch shifts of World of Shoes' "I Am Strong," the fun pop-house of Charlotte's "Don't Be Afraid," and the jivey call-and-response of Kelis featuring Terrar's "Good Stuff."

Virgo (Aug23-Sep22)

Like those under the Taurus sign, you feel old. Unlike them, you actually are old. So you won't recognize anything here except for Shannon's "Let the Music Play," which opens the second disc. Remember that song? Oh, how you kept the groove until he came back to you again. That was awesome.

Libra (Sep23-Oct23)

You're adventurous. In a Carnival Cruise sort of way. So you'll appreciate the sanitized tribal beats and rhythms that close out the last 20 minutes of the first disc. The layered percussion of the Columbian Drum Cartel's "Paranoid," for instance, will have you in ecstasy, feeling as you did when the African guide tranquilized a monkey, put it in your arms and said, "Be careful not to wake him. He's sleeping."

Scorpio (Oct24-Nov21)

Not usually, but right now, because of the sextile between the Sun and Mars, you hate house vocalists. Their voices all sound the same. Don't listen to this until New Year's Eve-- by which time the sextile will have passed-- and you're on your way to passing out.

Sagittarius (Nov22-Dec21)

Remember all those dance mix CDs you bought when you first started clubbing? You really wanted to recreate the experience. But did it? No.

Capricorn (Dec22-Jan19)

Because your birthday is coming up during this holiday season, you're conflicted. Should you celebrate yourself, the New Year, Jesus, or what? Be selfish for once: choose yourself. Throw a party, spike the punch with MDMA, and blast this motherfucker on your parents' Bose stereo system.

Aquarius (Jan20-Feb18)

"There is a time in my life when I felt I could not go on. But you came along and you gave me a song and now I am strong." --Vernessa Mitchell's "Higher." I give this song to you, oh despondent one.

Pisces (Feb19-Mar20)

You're feeling good about where you are right now. You have a nice balance between work and your social life, including a promising relationship that has recently developed. But, as balanced as you are, you might need this music. It'll free your spirit, and maybe even teach you how to dance. See, sometimes you're too straight-edged. Tight-ass, some people might say. Actually, people do say this about you, particularly your co-workers. As one peer phrased it: "Even if he were an inanimate park bench, he would be the most boring one in the park. I wouldn't even sit on him."

-Ryan Kearney