(Excerpted from "No Shame: The Pitchfork Internet Media Guide for New Staff" by Clifford F. Haughtesbury of EZ Life Consulting.)

APPENDIX C - Writing Record Reviews

Now let's synthesize the 7-step process by putting our pens to paper using an actual example of recorded music, this being UZEDA's Different Section Wires. Please note that while there is no such thing as a "wrong record review," there most certainly is a right approach and your failure to follow the correct path will inevitably be judged by your superiors as being wrong.

STEP 1: Listen to the piece. This should be obvious enough, but we are human beings after all, and sometimes one forgets to do what one should.

STEP 2: Get your thesaurus handy and arm yourself with descriptive words.
Example: "pummeling, feral, ferocious, animal, chugging, bursting, sputtering, thundering, attacking, measured, atonal, angular, muscular, bass-heavy, urgent, venomous, gutwrenching, primal, ear-ringing, ear splitting, off-kilter, lurching, etc."

List them on a piece of paper and think of sentences that will allow you to incorporate these sorts of words. Words like "the," "and" and "it" are especially helpful.

STEP 3: Think of other pieces that remind you of what you are listening to. Use words from STEP 2 to make it seem like you know what you are writing about. If you hit a blank, MAKE UP A FICTITIOUS BAND NAME that roughly corresponds to your featured recording.
Example: "the angular attack of SHELLAC, the thundering urgency of THE JESUS LIZARD, the primal pummeling of RICE MONSTER."

STEP 4: Explain how the singer fits in to the equation. The phrase "combined with," when used with STEPS 2 and 3, is particularly effective.
Example: "Uzeda sounds like the angular groove Shellac combined with the plaintive wailing of Blonde Redhead's female singer."

STEP 5: Talk about a song that you found especially good. Feel free to repeat STEPS 2 and 3 when appropriate. Use metaphors and similes to fill up that white space on your computer screen.
Example: "The album's third track, entitled "Steelman," encapsulates what Uzeda does best. Constructed with slabs of chugging bass, ear-splitting guitar noise, thunderous bursts of drumming and urgent singing and screaming, it captures a primal intensity not easily found in the cheerful wreckage of modern rock music."

STEP 6: Complain about something.
Example: "While Steve Albini's production does justice to the instrumental elements of Uzeda's sound, unfortunatley singer Giovanna Cacciola's lyrics are drowned under the pummeling assault." Or: "While Uzeda has considerable talent, its stylistic approach sometimes feels like a carbon copy of that found in other bands in the noise-sludge genre."

STEP 7 Think of a self-degrading anecdote that relates somehow to the music. Try to keep it apolitical and personal. Any references to the Pitchfork Corporation (Copyright) or Pitchfork Herbal Heroin (TM) will be strictly censored.
Example: "I was sitting on the loo when Uzeda's muscular music first helped me get through what was, at first, a most difficult situation."

APPENDIX D - How To Take Care Of Your Black Nikes

-Samir Khan