In the matter of Nigo, DJ Kudo, et al. v. PITCHFORKMEDIA.COM, the findings of The Court on this day, the twenty-fifth of September in the two-thousandth year of Our Lord, read as follows:

      Whereas the illustrations on Ape Sounds' packaging, including the longheaded, wingspan-eared and triangular- limbed futuristic alien figure, were created by Futura 2000, and

      Whereas the album was likewise released by the label Mo'Wax, and

      Whereas it was the result of an overarching productive and creative duo, and

      Whereas the cast of contributors included Mo'Wax founder Mr. James Lavelle, among others, Ape Sounds will officially be assessed in light of UNKLE's 1998 release, Psyence Fiction.

      But,

      Whereas Nigo, one-half of the collaborative duo, is the creator of "A Bathing Ape," not an independent Japanese record label, but rather an independent Japanese clothing line, and

      Whereas his collaborative partner is Mr. DJ Kudo of Tokyo, who is not Mr. DJ Shadow of San Francisco, and

      Whereas the album does not feature contributions by Mr. Thom Yorke, Mr. Richard Ashcroft, Mr. Mike Diamond, or the aforementioned Mr. Shadow, but rather features artists such as Mr. Money Mark, Mr. Ben Lee, Mr. Cornelius and the aforementioned Mr. Lavelle, as well as less prominent, but nonetheless possibly talented artists whom this author found it difficult to find information about despite the existence of a world-wide Internet, and thus gave up due to lack of time and energy, and

      Whereas the Chinese orchestration on the first full track, "Kung Fu Fightin," is rather clichéd, what with the Asian fighting sounds, as well as the gongs, chimes, kokyu and other instruments this author knows not the names of, but nonetheless finds soothing despite monotonous chanting vocals by Mr. Tycoon Tosh, who sounds like Mr. Tricky on a particularly exhausting day, and

      Whereas "A Simple Song," the first of two Mr. Money Mark tracks, lives up to its title, given the la-la'ing of Mr. Mark in the intro, soon accompanied by a leisurely clavinet, and, so I'm told, a solina, pianica and EMS (though this author could not draw such instruments, even if threatened with disbarment), yet the author acknowledges the guitar's "wa-wa" effects later on, and that "A Simple Song" is the song's only true lyric, and

      Whereas this is a dramatic change of style and pace from the previous track, thus slightly upsetting the author and his fragile physical state, and

      Whereas "Monster," the Mr. Cornelius-produced track, is thankfully in keeping with "A Simple Song," at least initially, first offering all things simple, the acoustic guitar working nicely against the soft electric chords, but then later breaking out and receding, and over again a few times in typical soft verse/hard chorus fashion, offering a new sound for each new round, all with Julia Ferreira's pleasant vocals, which are neither poignant nor vapid, and

      Whereas the album moves on to "Too Much," which keeps it too simple, for it dawdles for over a minute and a half, but this is to be expected of Mr. Shawn Lee, who, hot off his work playing bass for the Spice Girls, plays three instruments here: bass, guitar and drums, and when Ms. Karime Kendra begins singing, "Maybe I talk too much," in talky Tina Turner fashion, the author thought it was a distinct possibility, and by the time she actually sang, all interest had already been lost, and,

      Whereas the author must admit to falling for the pure pop of Mr. Ben Lee on "Free Diving," with its bouncy, Beach Boys-esque organ, synth blips, and Mr. Lee's pure, yet distinct voice, though the author doesn't believe Mr. Lee when he sings, gleefully, "I feel violent," and

      Whereas "The Very Urgent Dub" is neither urgent nor a particularly convincing reggae dub, though the author acknowledges that Mr. Mark probably acted facetiously in titling the song, and

      Whereas "March of the General," for which James Lavelle lends his services, is the only track with the aggression, immediacy and sense of foreboding of the tracks on Psyence Fiction, as well as being the only true beat-driven track, the others being too generally upbeat or laid-back to be called anything other than what the author has already called them, and

      Whereas "Jet Set" sounds like an already bad punk song being covered by Mr. Cornelius, whom this author thinks is not very good when dealing with said genre, and

      Whereas the final track is a seven minute-plus reprise of the album's worst track, "Too Much," which itself is eight minutes long, and

      Whereas the tag on the creative, flimsy package easily rips upon usage, Ape Sounds will not live up to its comparison with Psyence Fiction, though its commendable effort is duly noted for the record.

-Ryan J. Kearney Esq.
#49261