Hey, it's Gary Hoey, the flash- guitar wanker responsible for scoring the soundtrack to everyone's favorite surf movie sequel, Endless Summer II. Unfortunately, Bug Alley is as much a surf album as the Ventures' "Hawaii Five-O" theme is a heavy metal classic. A word of advice: don't go out and buy Bug Alley. Just roll on over to your nearest guitar retail outlet. Ask the frazzle- brain at the register to show you his "chops." And there you have it. You've saved $14.99, and witnessed a rare live solo performance from an obscure, up- and- coming guitar God.

On Bug Alley, tasteless self- indulgence and predictability reign supreme. Although Hoey's repute, as far as I know, is for churning out Tsunami waves of obnoxious surf- metal, his original compositions, "Tribal War Babies," and "Moustache Muchacho" have little to do with surf guitar, and make Joe Satriani's Surfin' With the Alien sound like Stravinsky's "Firebird Suite." The title track is a lame facsimile of Stevie Ray Vaughan's Texan- style blues licks a la "Pride and Joy." "Desire" is Hoey's pretentious re-arrangement of J.S. Bach's "Jesu, Joy of Man's Desiring," integrating that popular classical melody in and around his own chordal bombast. There's also a tragi-comic, unintentional parody of Santana's "Black Magic Woman." He even has the nerve to trash Bob Dylan's "Gotta Serve Somebody" and the surf classic "Wipeout," turning both songs into slices of bland, processed cheese- metal.

Hoey proves, as many guitarists of his ilk have, that smartly- coiffed hair and blazing technical virtuosity can't prevent you from being a colossal bore. I wouldn't hesitate to mention Hoey in the same sentence as Joe Satriani, classically- trained ass Yngwie Malmsteen, cartoonish Zappa rip- off Steve Vai, fast- playing "blues" sissy Eric Johnson, Dweezil Zappa, Bill and Ted, Wayne and Garth, and Yahoo Serious.

Hoey's frenetic, empty scale playing certainly does make him the darling of mainstream guitar rags. His faux- heroic solos elicit "oohs" and "aahs" and "tripindiculars!" from GIT grads, and Junior High bong- suckers born with metal plates in their heads. If hooks, creativity, emotion, and a distinctive style count for anything, Hoey's playing isn't worth the chewing gum stuck to the bottom of Johnny Ramone's sneakers.

-Michael Sandlin