Since you're reading Pitchfork, I'd expect that you have a deep and abiding love for quality music, which why I bet you will not like Gordon one bit. Take this short quiz and find out:

1. Do you think that "Fortified grapes from a lemon tree/ Tastes better than animosity" is a good lyric?

2. Do you enjoy the music featured in such youth- oriented television shows as "Dawson's Creek" or "Felicity?"

3. Do you think "modern rock" radio these days is just too... I don't know... edgy?

If you answered "yes" to any of the above questions, then you should turn off your computer right now, go to the record store and buy Gordon's self- titled album. But if you answered "no" to all of the questions, then congratulations! You've got taste and style worthy of a Pitchfork reader. Feel free to kick back and relax while I crack open this here can of whoop- ass on Gordon.

Y'see, Gordon is one of those bands whose staggering mediocrity is only equaled by their freakish luck in actually securing a contract with a major label. They were well on their way to becoming just another crappy band skulking around the L.A. club circuit (or some such place), but their demo tape somehow found its way into the hands of big- shot producer Brendan O'Brien. O'Brien liked what he'd heard so much that he signed Gordon to his vanity label, which then led to their album being released on an Epic Records subsidiary.

Now, Brendan O'Brien is a fine producer and all, but that doesn't necessarily mean his taste in music is any good. Perhaps he just wanted a pet project on which to flex his production muscle; indeed, Gordon's album is flush with twiddly little sounds floating around the mix, but they mostly act to distract the listener from the fact that the band doesn't have much to offer in the way of substance.

At best, Gordon musters up the cheerful vapidity of '70s AM- radio pop and the lazy white- boy shuffle of any number of post- grunge bands looking to score some sort of crossover hit. In my personal opinion, of course, Gordon represents the antithesis of everything I enjoy in music: grating, tuneless mush with awful lyrics and production values which could support a small Central American country for a year. The good news is that bands like Gordon eventually get their karma payback; the one album they release usually gets zero label support, and soon afterwards they're quietly dropped. Which may be proof that major labels aren't so dumb after all-- they're just a little slow on the uptake.

-Nick Mirov