Bear with me here. There's a teenaged punk in my building who says he wants to be a music critic when he grows up. His name is Joey. I already told Joey about the years of crushing rejection one must endure before publication, the self- doubt that arises when you wonder if you're just leeching off of truly creative people, the savage beatings at the hands of drug- addled editors. But he's determined to make a living writing about music and so, stand-up guy that I am, I'm showing him the ropes for a couple c-notes an hour. I make him record all of our classes so that he can review at home. Below is an excerpt from his oral report on E.A.R's freshly- reissued 1996 release, Beyond The Pale.

Joey: It's no secret that Experimental Audio Research drone on like the Grateful Dead on acid, but 1996's Beyond The Pale...

Me: Stop. Hold it. Wait a minute. The Grateful Dead on acid? What the fuck is the matter with you? The Grateful Dead were on acid, Joey. It's redundant. That metaphor is to be used only for a band with a twisted take on something conventional. You remember me telling you that? Now. You say it's mostly drones, right?

Joey: Yeah, sorry about that. Yeah, drones.

Me: Okay now drones make me think of someone on 'ludes. Experimental Audio Research... hmm... kind of minimal. Let's say Steve Reich on 'ludes. You write that down? Okay, continue.

Joey: ...is one of their finer outings. A former member of the pioneering... uh, "minimalist" outfit Spacemen 3, Sonic Boom uses the Experimental Audio Research moniker for his most "out there" projects. Heavily influenced by the early '80s work of Brian Eno, the title track...

Me: Whoa, whoa. You see my eyes, Joey? They're closed. That's because you're putting me to sleep. A review has gotta pop like corn if you're going to keep the reader interested. Where are the one-liners? Next time, come correct with that shit or else you can get some bald yuppie from Rolling Stone to tutor you. All right, please, just... go on.

Joey: ...the title track features the treated guitar of Kevin Shields, though you won't hear any of My Bloody Valentine in it. In fact, most of the album sounds remarkably similar, though with a record like that this, which strives for such a constant mood, that is one of it's strengths. It is soothing and often beautiful, and if you appreciate ambient music you won't be disappointed.

Me: Okay. Enough. Listen, Joey, not bad. But I've got to run. Review my suggestions and I'll see you next week. You brought the check, right?

-Mark Richard-San