THE GLENVILLE GLEANER PERSONALS
December 6, 1999

Completely confidential! Discreet! The best way to meet people in this shithole town! Meet that special someone that you would probably never have met without your mutual fixation with pornography!

WOMEN SEEKING MEN

37- year- old virgin, 220- lbs redhead seeks SWM with religious aura that makes romance feel like licking moldy cabbage. Likes long walks in the park, dogs, Tim Allen movies, and dinner. Give me a call.

19- year- old student with beautiful shirt potatoes seeks tall, dark, lean type resembling Vince Vaughn. Likes stuff, things. Leave a message. BOX 343

MEN SEEKING WOMEN

Very attractive 35- year- old businessman seeks meat napkin to mop his blood sausage. Low standards, very desperate. BOX 125

MEN SEEKING MEN

Gay man looking for anybody gay in this town who's willing to admit it. Just leave a note in the bathroom stall at Barbarella's.

WOMEN SEEKING WOMEN

(No entries this week)

BANDS SEEKING MOJO

Ultra talented musicians with far too much time on their hands desperately seeking spark that makes anything musical seem worthwhile. We have all sorts of instruments and time changes and minor chord progressions and arty prints on our cover. Our three singers harmonize like three fey Layne Staley's, adding growls and sighs to differentiate when we're being spooky and when we're getting all intense. Listen to one of our masterworks, "Colourblind," and check out how we use bombastic drums, moogs, mashing guitars and organs while we play our two chords.

And hey, check out "Spare" with its bitchin' "free" clarinet solo. We were really proud of that. We aspire to expand upon the innovations of Sunny Day Real Estate or Radiohead, but we're content with sounding like Styx or Genesis. We fuck like all the other slick wanna rockers in your town and we'll leave you feeling slimy and all weird. If interested, If interested, please take our new disc, The View, off the bitter alcoholic review who is threatening to steal our hair gel.

-Samir Khan