Cousteau
Cousteau
[Palm]
Rating: 4.7
Bailiff: The Court will now hear the case of Style versus Substance, the
Honorable Judge Rock Presiding.
Judge Rock: Good afternoon. Style seeks separation from Substance. Style,
on what grounds do you seek separation?
Style: Well, Your Honor, Substance is holding me back. I believe that I can
function better without his restrictions and demands, and that I'm capable of
surviving on my own.
Judge Rock: Do you have any evidence to support your claim?
Style: Yes, Your Honor. The plaintiff presents Cousteau's eponymous debut
album as evidence that I can indeed prevail without the presence of
Substance.
Judge Rock: And, Substance, what do you say in your defense?
Substance: Your Honor, it is indeed possible for Style to live without me,
but the products that arise from it will be of generally low quality and
unsatisfying. They may seem cool at first, but when you dig into them,
you're missing my contributions, which makes them worth revisiting.
Judge Rock: And do you have evidence to support your claim?
Substance: The defense wishes also to submit Cousteau's eponymous debut
album.
Judge Rock: Uh, you're both presenting the same evidence?
Substance: I suppose we are.
Judge Rock: I don't know if that's legal or not, but I'm willing to allow it
so I can get the hell out of here and have a drink. The Court will now hear
the arguments. Style, make it snappy.
Style: Well, I'd like to draw your attention to Exhibit A, the album cover.
The black and white photo of the band members playing in some anonymous
barroom basement is really cool-looking. One glance at that and you know
you're in for quality hipster jazz-rock.
Substance: That's true, Your Honor, but take into account that there's
really nothing all that jazzy about this music-- unless you're one of those
people who thinks that having a flugelhorn player in the band is "jazzy"--
and what do you have? It's not really false advertising, but it's close.
Style: Well, jazziness aside, they do look pretty hip. Moving on from the
artwork to the music, though, you'll find some fantastic nighttime sounds.
It shares a certain affinity with latter-day mope-rockers like Tindersticks,
but it isn't mopey all the time. It's great music for enhancing the mood of
a given room. Can't you just picture people getting laid to "The Last Good
Day of the Year?" And "Jump in the River" is a great gospel-inflected tune
painted in shades of midnight blue.
Substance: Oh, give me a break. You make it sound like something some
disinterested music critic would write. Truthfully, it's a decent song,
and it sure is moody, but at its core, vocalist Liam McKahey isn't given much
to sing. It's a cliched bit about a late night tryst. The printed lyrics
even feature the inane homonym, "And so long may she reign/ (So long may she
rain)." Songwriter Davey Ray Moor may be a passable multi-instrumentalist,
but as a lyricist, he never veers from the beaten paths. "Mesmer" even uses
the phrase, "Where angels fear to tread!"
Judge Rock: Indeed, very poor judgment on Style's behalf. Bryan Adams and the
Spin Doctors even have songs with this phrase as the title, and I ruled
in favor of Substance in both of those cases.
Substance: And as for the music, it's just bland acoustic rock that builds on
a blueprint laid out by Scott Walker's first four albums. It all blends nicely,
but for me personally, it's proven very difficult to discern one song from
another. They're all decent enough on their own, but it's pretty indistinct
stuff. In its favor, there are some accomplished solos, but all the violins,
guitars, pianos and basses ultimately just mosey along over loungy percussion.
"She Don't Hear Your Prayer" is basically soft rock, opening with that most
hackneyed of effects: the wind chime.
Style: But there is a song called "Shades of Ruinous Blue." Any Pier
One consultant will tell you that shades of ruinous blue are very fashionable
this season.
Substance: Hey, we're talking about me, here.
Judge Rock: Okay, I've heard enough. Give me the album. We'll take a 50
minute and 37 second break and I'll be back with my verdict.
[Later]
Bailiff: The honorable Judge Rock, all rise.
Judge Rock: Thank you, you may be seated. I have decided for the defense.
Substance is too important for Style to ever function at its maximum potential
without it. Cousteau may be a great album for the late-night hours,
but I doubt I'd want to wake up with it. Therefore, I'm ordering that Style
never be more than the length of a given recording from Substance at all times
from this point forward. Any artist found in violation may be stripped of
their dignity, and sentenced to life in obscurity. The court is adjourned.
-Joe Tangari