(from The 1998 Pitchfork Internet Media Consumer Comparison Guide, published by Hubert A. Humperdink & Sons, page 382)

The Chrome Cranks' Life in Exile (TCC) vs. A Swift Kick in the Ass (ASKA)

1) SONIC TEXTURES
A Swift Kick in the Ass, depending on its application, can produce a variety of sounds depending on the instruments used to procure said kick. Steel- toed boots tend to result in a deeper thud when the kick is directed at a posterior, while Italian loafers are noted for a sharper sonic texture. The shape and size of said ass can also be a determining factor, but not being well versed in the science of Assology, Pitchfork's editorial staff suggests you consult a more expert opinion.

The Chrome Cranks Live in Exile lasts longer than ASKA, clocking in at over 70 minutes (compared to the average half- second length of ASKA), but fails to produce much variety. TCC specialize in loud, stripped down, beery garage rock, the kind that hovers a good two inches below the belt of that produced by the like- minded Jon Spencer Blues Explosion and Cash Money.

Throughout, singer Peter Aaron pulls off the oft- imitated inflamed, punk- ass Elvis. The backing band chugs along like so many greasers wrecked on amphetamines. Despite the lack of variety, blistering numbers like "Dead Man's Suit," "Draghouse" and "Hot Blonde Cocktail" unleash a fury few other bands can match.

2) APPEARANCE
ASKA can be alternately frightening and humorous, depending on the situation in which it applies, whereas the pictures of TCC on the CD show the band to be made up of aging scuds. This, also, is alternately frightening and humorous, depending on your mood.

3) ORIGINALITY
ASKA has been replicated time and time again, and is thus not very original. TCC has been around for some years, and were perhaps a bit more original in the old days. Sadly, others have picked up their mantle, and as a result, their genre is a crowded one.

4) FEEL
ASKA feels great to give. To receive is an altogether different matter. Live in Exile, on the other hand, accurately captures the feel of seeing the band in the sweaty, booze- oozing flesh. The recording engineers could not have done a better job.

5) OVERALL
ASKA is best used at the end of a long night of drinking when some cat is dissing your momma. TCC's "Live in Exile" serves as a nice accompaniment to a long night of drinking, but one need only ask himself whether that night is worth the inconvenience of the hangover it may well produce.

-Samir Khan